Quick breakdown of Christmas:

It was good.

I really am tempted to have a year where we isolate ourselves and do no presents and fast and pray all day long. Maybe not that extreme... but I don't like how no matter what you do, with kids, it's all about the presents.

I got called materialistic by an unnamed family member (though my guessing friends could surely guess). That was entertaining. Especially ironic coming from unnamed family member.

Chris and I have worked (and fought) really hard to build healthy relationships, especially within our immediate (us and the boys) family. Long exposure to non-healthy relationships throws us off of our game. We just seem to feel off until the exposure is over.

Onto the New Year!

I'm really thankful to be doing something for New Years this year. I think it's been 4 years since we did anything. Last year we weren't good enough friends with anyone yet, and the years before we were in Connectisuck. I feel blessed to have friends to hang out with and thankful that we get to bring our kiddos and celebrate with them as well!

I'm not a big resolution person. Never got what the big deal was. If I want to do something, I do it and don't wait for New Years, and I don't like making empty promises about things I know won't happen.

That being said, I am looking forward to my lighter schedule this winter. I hope to get some painting done around the house and I hope to have more studying time in the Word. I was recently asked to join a group that was reading through the bible in 90 days. I was tempted (because really, how can that not be good?) but I have been made aware of my faults when it comes to how I get plugged into the Bible. I'm a reader, I really could sit down and read the bible for an hour and love it. I could then look up all the things that intrigued me about the scripture, find their original greek or hebrew meanings, do some cross referencing, check out what the commentaries say... I love that stuff. However my weakness is slowing down, really processing one teeny tiny passage and praying and communicating with God on it. I often fall short on the prayer part and I really want to work on that this year. Here is a great post about being intentional with your devotional life this year.

I'm also super excited about this ministry within the youth I've been helping start up : The Compassion Leadership Team (CLT), We had our first outreach opportunity mid December and I was so blessed by getting to be a part of it. I felt even more proud as I saw the girls from my group (which had the highest attendance rate of all of our youth small groups, pretty impressive considering there are almost 40 small groups in our youth) not just show up to serve, but work hard, enjoy it and start asking more questions about serving and missions. Two of my girls are already talking about long term mission trips. Oh the joy I have!

Focusing on that, and of course my family, is where I want to be the most present this year. I have about 8 months before Josh starts school and I am excruciatingly aware of how precious the time I have with him is and how intentional I need to be with it. Jack is also at my favorite stage of early childhood and I want to steal all the kisses and hugs and giggles while I can. My husband does an amazing job of taking care of and providing for his family but I feel as though that weight has been heavier than it should be recently. While it may be something he's put on himself, I want to do whatever I can to help ease as much of as I can, and be more diligent about praying for him and encouraging him.

I have a few other plans for 2010, but we'll see how those pan out. I've learned to hold my plans pretty loosely.

I feel blessed to be on the forefront of another year. By His grace alone. Hope ya'll have a great New Years!

Final Christmas thoughts:

I must admit prior to this year, I haven't quite gotten the big deal about Christmas, don't get me wrong it's a great day to celebrate Jesus and all, but I've never really understood why it was such a big deal. I mean Easter is the day we celebrate our ability to have salvation and the sacrifice Christ made to pave the way for it, why don't we take a whole month to celebrate that? Isn't that what it's really about?

I think I'm getting it this year. Maybe it's because of some of the things we've been exposed to this year: 2 couples we are close to being on the brink of divorce, a pastor I adore having a brain tumor removed and finding out it was cancer, having several of our family members having extended hospital stays due to life threatening issues, friends who are hurting, friends who are dealing with infertility, job losses, finance issues... the list could go on and on. It's been a rough year, not necessarily in our own lives, but our exposure to it in others.

Which I think sometimes is just as difficult because you feel so helpless to do anything.

Anyhow, being in close proximity to an overwhelming amount of helping people this year has reawakened my senses to how foreign this place is. It's NOT home, and no matter how hard we try there will never be any level of perfect achieved here on earth. This life is rough, and we are surviving it to get HOME and to get to the good part.

Thinking of how hard this place is for me leaves me astounded at Christ coming into it.

He was LORD, King of All, angels bowed at his feet and He had close fellowship with God and the Holy Spirit. Communion like I have never known. He left it all, and came here. HERE. He spent nine (10 if we're getting technical : ) months in a womb that was probably a sanctuary compared to earth.

My mind cannot fathom the culture shock, not to mention the mourning for home. The closest thing I come up with as a comparison is for us willingly going to hell, and living there for 33 years.

So this Christmas I have a whole gratitude for what Christ did in coming to earth. This time of year the term "humbled" gets thrown around, but that is what He did, humbled himself. For us. For me.

Emmanuel- God is with us. Then, and now. That is most certainly a reason to worship!

Merry Christmas!

I'm not sure I know how to handle emotions in a healthy way. I have Josh to thank for that painful realization, one I've had glimpses of clarity about but haven't been able to fully own up to until now.

I have a few defaults for how I choose to deal with strong emotions: run away, yell and get angry, or ignore it.

My family usually gets one of the first two because they aren't very easy to ignore, and Chris won't let me ignore him.

Dealing with the situation with Matt Chandler (and thinking back to when Chris had melanoma and how I dealt with it) has made me aware of the third one. If I can avoid conversations about the situation or anything that triggers thought about it, then I can cope. Because at the first confrontation I'll break down.

In the last several years I have made leaps and bounds in the area. I used to be a hot mess with how I handled my stuff. Even though progress has been made this is still a pretty big issue in my life. I think it would be easy for me to brush it off or excuse it with explanations on how poorly I was taught, but I don't want to excuse it or ignore it, I want to continue to grow. And more importantly I want to try to teach Josh something different, and I can't teach him something different if I don't model or learn what that something different is.

So I'm trying to figure it out. And I'll tell ya, it ain't easy. We girls (admittedly particularly during certain times of the month) feel insanely strong emotion. So what do we do when feeling those? If it spurs us to act well, then it's no problem since lavishing affection on others isn't something most complain about. But what do we do when the emotion results in crying fits or yelling rages? I think the general key is self discipline, but I'm still mapping out what the logistics of that look like. I have general "no-no's" for how I allow myself to act, but I need to expand that.

Like I've been telling Josh it's okay to feel angry, but it's not okay to act ugly out of that anger. I need to become more self-disciplined about how I act in the midst of my emotion. I don't always want to have to go and apologize for how I've acted, and I certainly don't want my family to have to be witnesses of my lack of self-control. I need to be better about obtaining the self control in the midst of the moment.

This the hard part. I'm not really sure how to do that. I've got a couple theories, like taking a moment to pray, or memorizing scripture that pertains to what I want (namely the fruits of the spirit passage), but beyond that I need divine wisdom. Soon, because ya'll I don't want to pass any more of this generational sin on to my kids.

I was pretty much devastated when I read this. I'm not a crier and I cried. I don't understand, to me it makes no sense.

Then thankfully, God led me to this. Which was exactly what I needed to hear.

Now I'm trying to focus on the hope that I have.

My mind just goes to his wife, and his three small children (I think Audrey is 6, Reid is almost 4 and Norah is about 6 months). I'm praying for hope for them, and an a comprehension and peace that passes all understanding. Because this, this passes all understanding of our finite human brains.

And that is why we have hope.

I thought Beth Moore said this well on her blog:

"God has me home for the holidays for healing. For restoration. For a fresh return to the simple things. I've spent the entire year balancing the beauty and complexities of women's insecurities and the Book of Revelation. How's that for some whiplash? And I have loved every second of it. God is not miffed at me for working hard. He is the One who called me to the harvest field just as He called you. He just wants me to rediscover Sabbath rest amid the work and He's chosen to begin with a crash course. I am gradually taking the ribbon off the gift of simplicity that God is giving me for Christmas this year. I plan to unwrap it slowly and deliberately. 2010 will start soon enough and I'll pack a suitcase and be on another plane. But not the same. If I am, I will have missed something huge. Something vital. Something life-changing between Jesus and me. And I do not plan to miss it for this world. It's why He has me here."

This is what I am hoping to focus on with a more freed up schedule this next semester. I have worked hard and served well this past semester, but at the catalyst conference I felt God pushing the idea of a Sabbath on me and urging me to make it a priority. This semester I plan on doing just that.

On a side note, I think it's really hard for people not in a paid ministry position to do that. Not only do my husband and I have other jobs, but we are called to serve the church and our family amidst that and sometimes there just isn't enough time in the week. How does one balance and prioritize three incredible important things?

I have nothing scheduled from now until Christmas and I'm very excited about that. I'm going to try to be intentional about making memories right now and focusing on worship. That's the point of it all, Christmas, Easter, our very existence: to give God the glory he deserves. So I am going to focus on that.

Sorry for the randomness, my blog is reflective of my head right now; all over the place.

I have been blogging a lot about time recently. The need for more, the lack of enough, the feeling as though it is going WAY too fast.

Chris and I have been pretty overwhelmed this semester. For the last month and a half or so we've been talking and deciding on ways we are going to cut back. Prioritize. This is difficult for me, not only because I have so many passions and interests, but because I want to be able to serve well and be a good mom and serve my family well. It's very tough to do both and to have to sometime not be as good about doing one or the other.

There were a few things we decided to cut back on that I was a little anxious about because it involved saying no to people. I don't like saying no to people, especially people that need help.

However it has been really neat to see how all the areas of concern I had were taken care of by God. Conversations I was anxious about were either brought up by the other person or viewed as no big deal. God had already been working on their hearts.

Areas that I was serving in, and didn't want to stop or give up but were going to be a strain on my family cut their time requirements in half.

God is good, I am thankful that he is helping make it possible for me to be a great mom and take care of my home and family and serve him well.

We survived the trip. It was good. The kids did well, I was the only one that got sick, and it was an enjoyable visit. To be able to say all that is a huge blessing!

While I was there I heard that the pastor that I'm always quoting around here, Matt Chandler, had a seizure. Turns out he has a mass on his frontal lobe and is having surgery this Friday. They won't know if it's cancerous or not until they get in there.

He pastors a church of about 6,000 people and has 3 kids, his youngest not even six months old yet. He's in his mid-30's.

I'm not going to lie that it's shaken me up a bit. Not only as a reminder of how viciously and continuously our enemy is attacking us, but to have something happen to someone like this is hard for me to wrap my mind around.

I know the right answers, and I know I need to have faith, and that somehow God will be glorified through the situation. However that doesn't make it any easier for me to understand.

Sometimes this life just gets hard. Actually a lot of times. And right now I am tired of seeing God fearing and loving people being attacked. We are being attacked in our marriages, our families, our spiritual lives, our sexual lives, our finances and health. It's a full frontal assault and today I'm tired of fighting. Looking forward to the glorious day when the fight is over and I'm HOME.

This man is incredible. He pursues the Lord and has an unprecedented understanding of Him, he's a great dad and husband, he leads his church well and puts the Lord before all else. He has impacted mine and my husbands life as well as countless others with his message. I have a deeper understanding of God thanks to his obedience. Please join me in praying for him, his family and his church this week. He is also a highly publicized figure so please pray for the media and the people that will be affected through it as well.

Thanks.

Life has been pretty crazy.

The boys (all 3 of them) have been sick for almost three weeks now and Josh has hit a new level of not listening and blatant disobedience.

I've also been thinking a lot about priorities.

I would hope that my priorities are God, my family and serving. For the most part I think that is fairly close to my reality (although admittedly I at times sub my service to God for our actual relationship).

The problem is all the other things that come into play. Taking care of my house, cooking the meals, my cupcake business, exercising and keeping up with the admin work that a lot of my serving involves.

I'm not as sure about how to prioritize those, or if they should even be a priority. At least for right now. Life with small children (at least my small children) is kind of stressful and high maintenance. I feel like if I am doing good with my three top priorities (God, family and service) than I should be happy with that.

But I'm not happy with it, and I feel like I should be doing it all, and in the attempt to do it all I usually end up sacrificing one or more of the top three priorities. And I seem to feel guilty no matter what. Either I feel guilty for the lack of time I'm spending with and for the Lord, how much I have given to my family, or for something on the "other things" list that I'm not getting done.

I think in particular the exercise one has been getting me down. Mainly because I have been struggling with self-confidence again (again??? how can it be again when it never stopped). See I'm one of those crazy people that enjoys exercise. I like it in a gym, but prefer it outside. I like to walk, run, do the elliptical, hike, whatever. I like to move and be active. The problem is time. It takes time to pack up and go to the gym and exercise (about an hour to hour and a half to be exact). It takes time to go somewhere out side and exercise. And I also have this problem of my kids. Exercising with them just isn't an option, and whenever I take them with me to the gym I feel bad about leaving them in childcare an additional time for the week, and not using that as quality time with them.

But if I don't exercise then I start to feel guilty that I don't. Because seriously, everyone in the suburbs goes to the gym. At least twice a week. And I haven't been in two months. And then I see a picture of myself and it all goes down hill.

I have this thought that I keep struggling with regarding my self esteem and self image. I think I was beautiful before I had kids. I was cute and thin and had really good abs. I could eat whatever I wanted, and I did. I liked what God had created. But after Josh...I'm not so much a fan of this version. Even though I'm healthier now in how I eat then I was before kids. And the thought that keeps running through my head is that what God made was good, but somehow I messed it up and ruined what He made. And then comes the guilt about how I should be exercising and making that a priority. Of which I would have to take time away from family, God or serving to do the level which would make a difference.

So. I've been having issues with priorities. And self-esteem. Actually, we'll just leave it that I have issues.

I have something that's been rolling through my mind for awhile now, and I keep avoiding it. But I'm just going to put it out there.

Sometime I feel like I am suffocating in the suburbs.

There. It's out there.

The most frustrating part about it is, there is a part of me that wanted, and still wants this.

Then there's this other part that wants to live somewhere crazy, like the inner city, or on acres of land, or in a foreign country.

Maybe it's the rebellious part of me, that's not content to go with the status quot.

I'm not sure what it is but sometime I want to pull my hair out in frustration at the world I live in.

And yet I do some of the same things I am annoyed by. I fit well into my environment. Looking in from the outside I probably am just like everyone else.

Lord help me, I'm so conflicted. Aren't we supposed to be different???

Somehow, and I do mean somehow, because I am really not sure how it happened... I (or we) are leading every ministry project we are a part of this week.

My Beth Moore bible study, my small group at youth, our Compassion Leadership Team and our adult small group (which our youth pastor usually leads). And I'm having a get together with all the girls from my youth small group, have two big cupcake orders and our adult small group is at our house and I'm cooking dinner for the 20+ people that will be showing up.

When will I learn??? This week really was a fluke though, or lack of me paying attention to the schedule, but either way, I really didn't realize how crazy things would be.

Lesson learned, I don't like leading and being in charge of this many things. It's way too much, and I can't really give what I need to the people or group that needs it most.

It confirmed some big changes to the schedule I was thinking about making for next semester. I swear I keep trying to simplify. It's not easy. At least not for me.

I AM prioritizing. Starting NEXT week.

Some randomness:

There are these two new smells from B&B Works that are heavenly. One, for the house is called Leaves. It is fall encapsulated, but not overwhelming or cloying. I have a candle, soap and it's in all my wallflowers. The other, Twilight Woods is my new favorite scent of all times. I think I'm putting the perfume on my Christmas list, but I absolutely adore the body splash I have right now. They give out great coupons, so the last time I went I got 4 wallflower refills, Chris's cologne (they have a guy line that is great) and my body splash for $35. Pretty good considering the wallflower are normally $25 themselves, and his cologne is $20 and my body splash was $12. Go me.

I really like homemade pizza. The other stuff can't compare. And one of my secret favorite parts is eating it for breakfast the next morning. Homemade cold cheese pizza makes a wonderful breakfast. Don't knock it till ya try it!

I really like my life right now, I have a lot of joy. God has definitely given us a summer season of life right now.

I got a glimpse of what my life could be like this Saturday night and I really liked it. We got to hang out and fellowship with friends and then came home. The kids and I played in the floor by Chris while he went over music for the next morning for playing in worship. The kids were rocking out, and I was enjoying them enjoying the situation, and loving watching my man do his thing.

I'm really struggling deciding what I'm more passionate about, working with youth or leading bible studies. The line that really convicted me from Matt Chandler though was (paraphrasing) how many of you actually put into practice the principles learned in all your Beth Moore bible studies. I want to be a practicer, not just a learner. Trying to figure out how to combine the teaching and the doing. I think I have a pretty good gig, but am looking forward to taking it to the next level.

That's all for my randomness, deeper thoughts coming soon.

Sometimes being away from friends and family is really hard.

I didn't always have the best of family life growing up so in late high school and college the friends I made became like family. In fact I talk to them more than my family.

So when one of my best friends (of nearly 10 years) has her first baby, the caretaker in me has difficulty being still. Not making dinner, or cupcakes, or cute gifts, or just sitting in a chair holding sweet baby Carter, but being on the opposite side of the country able to do none of the above.

So I will do the only thing I can do (but should be doing all along regardless), pray. Pray blessings over their new family, pray for health and quick recovery, pray joy and hope, for perseverance and a strong finish (in AZ), wisdom and patience, and most of all for the Lord to reveal Himself in new magnificent ways through their new addition.

Wow. There has been so much going on in the last month. Not just activities but God really working on me. I love it. I just wish I had more time to process and share it all. But like most things in my life right now, ya'll get the cliff notes version.

This post pretty much sums up my status with prayer. This was written by that guy I talk about all the time- Matt Chandler's wife. I wish I could be friends with her. Anyhow, I've been in general feeling convicted about my attitude in prayer and reading this summer up where I'm at exactly. I feel like God has been giving me a deeper heart for prayer, and even a greater desire for it. Maybe it's because he's also been working on me with pride (more on that later) that the humble act of prayer is coming more frequent and natural for me. However now I have this problem of wanting to spend more large amounts of time focused on that. It's a problem because I have small children. I have small LOUD children. And I cannot get up early enough for time in the word and the amount of prayer that I want. So hopefully at this point in my life The Lord is cool with us chatting regularly throughout the day.

The hubs and I have been having lots of deep talks recently. See there's this topic that keeps coming up every few months, and it has since we got married. It's this whole ministry subject. Are we called to it/are we not called to it, what is the timing and logistics of making that leap if we are... there are lots of conversations. Long story short when we first met Chris wanted to be a worship pastor. Through some drama and life and God opening other doors, it didn't happen. And thankfully not right away, or else that whole having having a kid in your first year of marriage wouldn't have worked out so well. I've know every step that we were where God wanted us, but we've always wondered about "in the future" or "when God opens doors". Well we are finally at a point where there is no next immediate step in the future, and it's almost is God is telling us to pick our future. And after 5 years, I think we are both just ready to KNOW already. Are we called to corporate life, or are we called to ministry life, and just wanting it to be clear and have a peace about God's calling and placement. So we're praying for that. Along with that has been me learning a lot. Being willing to be submissive and come under my husbands leadership no matter what decision and my happiness with it is (he usually makes decisions I like and respect so it's not as much an issue).

And that whole pride thing. I know I've thrown it around here before, and other places, and I don't have an issue saying I've got a pride issue. The problem is that the throwing it around has become commonplace and I stopped taking seriously the sin issue in my life. Thankfully god hasn't been letting me get away with that any longer and is officially kicking my butt on it again. I am so grateful. One of my constant prayers is that He would open my eyes to the sin in my life and that I could see it as how He sees it. The problem is I'm not outwardly prideful (generally speaking, I'm sure there are a LOT of exceptions) my biggest are of weakness is in my mind and the thoughts that I have the comments that stay in my head, my attitude and motivation behind doing or saying something. Thankfully God is getting in my head too. I need more of him there. My biggest struggle with pride is that too often I am focused on me and myself and not enough on Him, His glory, and His greatness and plan. Thankfully I'm a work in progress and through His grace there is hope.

So that generally sums up me and my life right now. I miss having more time to get my thoughts out. November brings hope of normality, PTL! Maybe more external processing will resume. I sure hope so because without it I am in my head way too much, and that isn't good for anyone. I over think things.

"Philippians 1:9-11. "And this I pray that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ, having been filled with fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God." Paul prays that our love will grow in discernment, so that we will choose what is excellent. In the complexity of life we don't always know what is excellent and what is the most loving, and thus we need wisdom to discern what is the most loving action in various circumstances. Should we fire the employee that is doing poor work or give him another chance? How much time should we spend with our families and how much time in other ministry? What is the best way to respond to non-believers with whom we work? Sometimes it seems best to confront them with evil, but often we overlook their evil because we know the root problem is that they are unregenerate. It is not easy to know the best way to respond in each situation. There is no one right and simple answer to these questions. The difficulty of deciding what is the most loving in each circumstance explains why Paul says in Ephesians 5:10 that we must test what is pleasing to the Lord. This implies that it is not always immediately clear what is the best course of action, what is the most loving thing to do.

The commandments God gives us are like the banks of a river which control the general flow of the river. When we violate God's commandments we cause the river to run over the banks, and thus it loses its power and beauty. If we add commandments not found in the Scriptures, we widen the banks of the river so that it becomes slow and stagnant and loses its life and vitality. And within the stream of the river there are numerous decisions that need to be made which cannot be specified in advance. The Bible does not anticipate every situation we will encounter. We need the Holy Spirit and wisdom to discern what is best to do as different instances arrive in our life. Scripture informs us that love is the guideline. But there is no attempt to calculate in advance what we should do in each circumstance of life. We read the Scriptures, pray, seek wisdom, and rely upon the Spirit in attempting to discern God's will."

John Piper

Apparently I need more discernment, and to be better in tune to the Holy Spirit because there are definitely some things I have been trying to figure out. (said with sarcasm) I love it when the answer is: there is no answer.

Wow. I think I have just had the busiest 3 weeks of my adult life. It has been insanity around here.

Lots of ministry events, CIA (compassion in action) an all day (for me) serving event, Rock 4 Love, and helping with the start of of a Compassion Leadership Team within the youth. Throw in visits from both grandparents, a 2 day conference (which was SO good), prep for a baby shower I am helping to host and a slew of other daily responsibilities and I am worn.out.

I so wish I had the time to digest and post after each of the events because there is so much to say and so much I want to remember about each one, but I will have to do with highlights.

CIA- so neat to get to see all of my girls serving and their hearts for that. Of all the youth that showed up my girls comprised almost half of them. I have a rock star group. I must admit I was surprised by a few who usually don't participate as much in group who really shined during this. When we talked about it at group on Wed. one of girls broke down crying by how moved she was by the thought of what some of the people we were ministering too lived with out. I really am looking forward to the start up of the CLT and being able to give students more opportunities to have those kind of experiences and for the Lord to humble them.

Catalyst- SO good. by far the neatest part was getting to hear Matt Chandler in person. When he prayed at the end I started sobbing, and I'm not even joking ya'll it was pretty close to getting to the real ugly cry. Over 3 years ago shortly after we had moved to CT and we were low on hope of every finding a church and had absolutely NO contact with any other person in the area, I was desperate for some sort of spiritual content in my life. Haphazardly my best friend suggested I check out this guy named Matt Chandler (she lived in Dallas where he is). I started listening to him and it pretty much rocked my world. I started podcasting him and listened to his sermons at least twice a week. I could go on and on about what a gifted teacher he is and for all the reasons that how he speaks hits me so hard, but I will suffice it to say that his sermons were what helped me get through an other wise spiritually desolate time. Being 3 years down the road and out of CT, living in GA and being able to attend a conference where I got to see Matt Chandler speak...I was simply overwhelmed by God's goodness and faithfulness. It was like a small blessing for following Him where He led us even though it was a rough path.

Rock 4 Love- I think the best part of this (other than getting to see about 200 students come to Christ and getting to pray over 6 of them) was having Chris with me. This is the first time since we've been married that we've done the majority of our serving not together. Sometimes it's been hard, but I know he has other passions and talents than working with students. However it was fun to have him around for a night. I forgot how much fun working with him was. It was also nice to be able to hang out with some of the other leaders. It was fun to watch him do his thing too. There is just something about watching your man do his thing that just reminds you how much you love him.

So those are the highlights, and I have stayed up way too late to give them. Hopefully there is more time to process life in general right now, as well as time to document it.

I must admit I never really understood what Paul meant in this passage from 1 Corinthians.

7:32 And I want you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 7:33 But a married man is concerned about the things of the world, how to please his wife, 7:34 and he is divided. An unmarried woman ²⁴ or a virgin ²⁵ is concerned about the things of the Lord, to be holy both in body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the things of the world, how to please her husband. 7:35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place a limitation on you, but so that without distraction you may give notable and constant service to the Lord.

I mean I theoretically understood, but it still seemed kind of harsh to me. I (pridefully) always thought I could do it all, and do it well.

I get it now.

Last night Chris and I had to sit down and have a conversation about our schedule and if I was trying to do too much ministry and serving. Just saying that seems shocking to me. Too much? There is never too much! I'm not even doing everything I want to do!

But when our family nights are dwindling, keeping up with the house is stressful, I've stopped enjoying making family meals each night, and there are only 3 days in all of October where there is not something to do on the calender, something has got to give somewhere.

I must admit that I at times struggle with making my family my priority ministry, or even viewing it as a ministry. I think the line of serving enough out side of the home, without it being too much is always going to be a difficult line for me. I think it's important that my children see me serving and being actively involved in ministry, but I don't want them ever to feel like I care more about, or give more time and attention to the people that I serve instead of them.

Thankfully, I think don't think we are anywhere near that point, but I want to make sure I never even get close to that.

I love my husband, and I love my children and I want to do the best I can for all of them, while doing everything I can to further the kingdom as well. I'm learning it's very difficult to do both to a level I am happy with simultaneously.

That is why I have a new understanding for that passage. I wish I could go to youth camp, and the youth mission trip, I want to do more foreign mission trips as well, I would love to help lead a youth servant team where we help minister to the needs of our community weekly (serving at homeless shelters, elderly homes, etc.), I want to have time to contact each of my small group girls throughout the week, I hope to lead my own Beth Moore bible study, and I want to have done an in depth study on the passage for our adult small group each week, not to mention keeping up with all the meetings, trainings, retreats, and prayer requests for all of the aforementioned aread.

But for right now, none of those are really plausible. I also want to be there for my boys every time they need me. I want to help Josh master writing his alphabet and make cupcakes all the time for his class, answer all his questions about God and Jesus and help him memorize more bible verses. I want to get in as many snuggles from Jack as he will allow before he gets too old, and I want to make him laugh every chance I get and help him figure out which is his eye and which is his ear. I want to hear about what happened in my families life over a hot (ok, warm) healthy meal each night, and I want (ok, need) a half an hour (at least) of quality time with my husband each night.

Those, I can do (most of the time). And that needs to be enough for me. I know I have a ministry calling for my life, but just as I committed to being a stay at home mom and not working full time, I need to be better about putting my (full time and unpaid) ministry calling on hold while I focus on the more important ministry God has given me right now.

I just wish it was possible to have this kind of insight while you are single. I wish I would have taken more advantage of the freedom that singleness offers and done more during that time (and no, coffeehouses and living in Ukraine wasn't enough for me : ) I dream big.) I wish I would have cherished it more as a gift.

I think that's a whole other blog post, cherishing whatever time you are in and the blessings they bring. Because even a time of suffering brings blessing, but I digress...

So I will continue to struggle with contentedness at my primary ministry being at home and try to figure out the line between too much and not enough serving. Hopefully I will have a long list of ministry passions and goals stored up to pursue when all my kids are in school, or out of it, whenever God decides. Something to look forward to.

Pondering for the day:

Is it okay for/should the church be run like a business?

I am in my head WAY too much today.

I think I may have posted my last post a bit too soon. I need time to process, and to let my head get where it's going. Any how, I think I am there now, so let me add.

I have realized that I am deeply passionate about intentional, close, God-glorifying, servant oriented relationships. Obviously. But for some reason there have only been a few brief times in my life where I have gotten to experience the wondrous beauty that is what I so deeply desire. I'm not sure if it's a way to make me more appreciative of God's beauty represented in those times, or if it's a brief insight of what I have to look forward to in heaven. Maybe both.

Either way, I ache for those times. I remember in college having a night of intense worship with amazing women of God on either side of me participating right along side of me, hearing God speak to me and scribbling notes alongside of friends and huddling up with a group of four other girls and intensely praying for and over one another. Oblivious to what was around us, consumed with the Spirit. I loved our bible studies where there was deep accountability, challenging actions and thoughts, pushing one another, inspiring on another. Just being in the presence of people with such deep faith made me feel closer to the Lord. It was almost as if I were walking on Holy ground, those times were so saturated with his presence.

As I have served in different ministry areas in varied forms, pursuing the passion of deep intentional relationships seems to be always with me. No matter how I might try to shake it (because pursuing something that you rarely find can be defeating) I cannot deny the longing.

So as of this week, I have given up denying. I'm giving up hunting and pursuing and moving on to the (with God's grace!) creating.

Instead of trying to find those relationships within ministry settings I am going to make my ministry about creating environments where those types of relationships flourish and teaching others about what they look like. I may not always be the benefactor of it, but to see someone else experience that, I'm sure, will be just as big a blessing.

So in my high school small group, in my Beth Moore bible study, in any area of influence I have, I want to make that a core focus of the group.

After years of pursuing biblical knowledge and wisdom, and attaining a fair amount of it, I've learned that no amount of knowledge can replace or make up for not having those types of relationships in your life. Books don't challenge you after you have put them down. Once you have listened to a sermon, the pastor isn't going to call you and ask you if you did your quiet time. Worship music isn't going to encourage your worship in other areas of life. We are meant to have people in our lives who challenge us, encourage us, pray with us and over us, weep with us, rejoice with us, worship with us, and LIVE with us.

The reason we are relationally oriented is because it is so vital to our spiritual well being. I get chills every time I read Acts 2 where it talks about the fellowship of believers.

2:42 They were devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 2:43 Reverential awe came over everyone, and many wonders and miraculous signs came about by the apostles. 2:44 All who believed were together and held everything in common, 2:45 and they began selling their property and possessions and distributing the proceeds to everyone, as anyone had need. 2:46 Every day they continued to gather together by common consent in the temple courts, breaking bread from house to house, sharing their food with glad and humble hearts, 2:47 praising God and having the good will of all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number every day those who were being saved.

This is how it is supposed to be. This is what relationships should look like, and what we are to pursue.

So while I may not again (outside of my marriage) get to experience the blessing that is a Christ centered and focused relationship, I have seen the blessing that it is, and will help others pursue it. I will teach everyone I can about the way that Christ intended us to do life with each other, I will encourage them and help create circumstances where this can be achieved.

1 Thessalonians: 2:12 exhorting and encouraging you and insisting that you live in a way worthy of God who calls you to his own kingdom and his glory.

I am awkward.

Sometimes I feel like I am going through a "teenager" type stage all over again.

I am trying to figure out who I am. But that doesn't sound right, because I know who I am, and am comfortable in it in my own little world, but whenever I walk out my door I feel like I am always struggling. Struggling to say the right thing, struggling to not say the wrong thing, struggling to fit in.

Which annoys me to even type. I am not a person that cares about fitting in.

Except I do. Mainly because I want to have friends. And I don't really care if I'm friends with the "cool kids" or not, I just want to find deep, intentional friendships. Why is that so freaking hard to find??? I know who I am, and I know what my beliefs and convictions, my talents and strengths are. Problem is, so far I can't find someone who lines up with most of that and wants to have a meaningful relationship, so I feel like I have to do this juggling act to figure out what I can do to make close friendship with me more desirable. I mean seriously, baking cupcakes and having theological conversations isn't enough?!

I hate being insecure and questioning myself so much, it's driving me crazy. It's driving my husband crazy.

Speaking of, I was away this weekend, and it reminded me how awesome he is. Not only is he my best friend, but I love that we have the same convictions. I think I have taken that for granted, but I realized this weekend how huge that is. I also love that we get convicted about things at the same time. It's awesome.

But back to my awkwardness. I think it makes me even more frustrated because I know there are people that I could just sit down with and immediately feel comfortable with. They are just several hundred miles away. As much as I love my husband and think he is a rockstar, I still need me some really good girl time. In person.

Sometimes I feel like the suburbs are way too close to high school.

"Every night, I tuck in our children. Lauren puts them down, reads them stories and then we tag and I go up. We pray and pray and talk. We have some conversations. Every night, I plead for the souls of my children. I plead for it. I plead for it. I am not going to be a good enough father to pull off salvation in my children's hearts. I'm not. I'm not going to be able to model it well enough. All I can do is commend His works to them. He's got to save them. So I plead with Him. Men and women who walk in pride, they don't need to plead for the lives of their children. You know why? Because they got it. Why would they need to plead? God forbid if their kid runs amok. You know what the issue was? The issue wasn't them; the issue was your kid. Your kid came into their life, influenced them into darkness and if you would have done a better job, if you would have watched what they watched, if you would have watched what they read, if you would not have allowed them to watch the “Smurfs” or whatever the Evangelical community is now saying is evil and wicked and after the souls of our children, if you would have done that, then in the end, “my kid would love the Lord, because I raised them to love the Lord. That's not how I raised them. Your kid was the issue.”"

Matt Chandler

If you were the perfect mother, there would be no need for the cross. If you did not sin against your children, against me, there would be no need for the cross. I died for that very sin.

Missy from It's Almost Naptime

Lord help me!!! Humble me, help me to see how much I need you every day, to ache for you, and cry out for you. Break me of my pride!

4 Therefore speak to them and tell them, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: When any Israelite sets up idols in his heart and puts a wicked stumbling block before his face and then goes to a prophet, I the Lord will answer him myself in keeping with his great idolatry. 5 I will do this to recapture the hearts of the people of Israel, who have all deserted me for their idols.' 6 "Therefore say to the house of Israel, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Repent! Turn from your idols and renounce all your detestable practices!

Ezekiel 14: 4-6

Show me my idols, so when I come to you, you see more than idolatry. Purge me of my idols so that when you look at me you see more than idolatry, and can talk to me and answer me without having to first deal with my idolatrous heart.

Capture my heart. Parent through me. Let me know at the end that it was nothing that I did, but by your grace and mercy!

I find it funny all of the presumptions and the "I nevers..." that I made before children. I laugh at my naivete now.


My first misconception was about life after children. Everyone would always tell us how life after children would never be the same. I would get so irritated (have I mentioned recently, I have pride issues?) and think that people didn't know us, and that we would be different. Why I thought I knew more than the 50 or so people that I encountered that told me this, I'm not sure. Oh, that's right, that little pride issue I mentioned. And having children does change your life, inexplicably.

Then I remember seeing parents with young kiddos in the stores. They would either be throwing fits, or running around, and I swore that I would never let my kids act like that. Anyone that has encountered Josh for more than 5 minutes is laughing right now.

These are just a few of my preconceived notions about parenting that I was way off on.


And yet the awareness of my lack of awareness has not helped me make any less promises to my self about my parental future.

I barely have my feet wet with this whole school and sports thing, and I already have a list full of intentions in this arena.

However, some ideas and expectations for my children and their future are good. Like them being expected to go to youth group, and Sunday church when they are older. Not making sports a priority over church and God. Having dinner together as often as humanly possible. Having family nights once a week.

So where are the lines between expecting the unrealistic, and having expectations worth striving and sacrificing for?

I'm still not quite sure, but I know it does include humility.

I needed to hear this:





All too often I forget than ministry is messy, and that while perfection is what we strive for, it something we will never obtain on earth. I need to be more patient with the imperfect.

I've also been enjoying being back into some theology books recently. One of my top loves. I've been reading C.S. Lewis' The Weight of Glory, and Tim Keller's The Reason For God. SO much good stuff.

Here is a quote from C.S. Lewis book that I loved, and I think hits a lot of the religious right.

(This is during WW II)
"A man may have to die for our country, but no man must in any exclusive sense, live for his country. He who surrenders himself without reservation to the temporal claims of a nation, or a party, or a class is rendering to Caesar that which, of all things, most emphatically belongs to God: himself."

And another great one:
"If all the world were Christian, it might not matter if all the world were uneducated. But, as it is, a cultural life will exist inside or not. To be ignorant and simple now- not to be able to meet the enemies on their own ground- would be to throw down our weapons, and to betray our uneducated brethren, who have, under God, no defense but us against the intellectual attacks of the heathen. Good philosophy must exist, if for no other reason, because bad philosophy needs to be answered."

I made the mistake of going to see Julie&Julia this weekend. I say mistake because it has plunged me back into a world that I was trying hard to keep at arms length.

The movie was so good. My new favorite. I had considered going by myself just to be without distractions and take it all in. I am glad I went with friends though. I just sat their with kind of a stupid grin on my face almost the entire movie enjoying every morsel of it's goodness. When it was over I just wanted to sit for awhile, taking it all in. Savoring the culinary greatness before me (along with Meryl's stunning portrayal).

But alas I had to go home. Home with my mind filled with such wonderful things like Le Cresuset dutch ovens, coq au vin, All Clad copper pots, beurre blanc, lobster Bearnaise, and pretty, pretty knives.

And this is why I said mistake. I have no Le Creuset, or copper pots. I cannot afford lobster. My culinary creativity has been stifled by fickle toddlers, a slightly limited palette from my husband (no mushrooms?), a time pressed schedule and grocery budget.

So for now I will amuse myself with peasant dishes (like Julia's ratatouille, on tonights dinner menu) and caramelized onions and Boursin on my grilled veggie panini for lunch. I will be elbow deep in dough this afternoon, and contemplating creative new kinds of cupcakes. Because flour and sugar are oh-so-cheap. I will thrive on the very occasional trip to a nice restaurant, and salivate for weeks on end about the memory of the last one, and the luscious dishes to come at the next.

So this is why I will urge you to go see this movie with caution. If you aren't a food lover, than go, maybe it will ignite your senses to a wondrous world you were previously in the dark about. But if you already consider yourself a "foodie" and the sight of a well made pastry sets heartbeat a little faster, than I will just say, you have been warned.

I just saw an interview with Jim Carey where he was talking about his upcoming movie The Christmas Carol (based on the book by Charles Dickens) and he refers to it as "one of the greatest stories of redemption ever written".

Um, no. I'm pretty sure that was The Bible.

I just got offered the possibility of pretty much my dream "job" (because it involves work, but I don't get paid for it) but I am not sure I can take it.

I have this problem of being passionate about a lot of things and not being able to do them all at once. At least not well.

I want to be able to make some extra money by baking cupcakes, be a great mom, lead my small group of high school girls and be there for them when they need me, be a great wife, keep my house fairly clean, have a healthy good meal on the table every night, and be involved in my bible study and attend a small group.

I really wish I could do it all. If it weren't for the whole house and meal thing, I think it would be close call.

So do I say yes because I really want to do it, and think it would be awesome to do it, or do I wait and pray for better timing. Sigh. Such big decisions accompany adulthood. Sometimes my brain hurts from so many of them.

My friend put this quote on her blog:

"to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." --c.s. lewis

I love this quote. For many reasons, but for one in particular.

I didn't have the most healthy of love relationships modeled to me as I was growing up. The thought of really loving someone, let alone trusting someone enough to consider marrying them scared the crap out of me.

I realize some people aren't big advocates of the idea of knowing right away when you meet someone that they are "the one", but I am. Within weeks of dating Chris and I knew where our relationship was headed. In fact we were in the midst of filling out our STINT (short term international, our trip to Ukraine) applications, and it asked if we were in a serious relationship that we saw ending in marriage. A little awkward that soon, but we had to talk about what we were going to put.

Right before the conversation I started freaking out. I knew that was where my heart was headed if let it, but I also knew the potential heart break and pain that could ensue if I let it go there, and I hadn't made up my mind I wanted it to go there yet. Fear gripped me.

I called my BFF. She's so smart, and always there. In college we used to call each other at 3am if there was a crisis. This was not 3am, but it was a crisis. Being the smart person she is, and a reader of theologians like C.S. Lewis which I love her for, she busted this quote out on me. I know it was a God thing that He had her reading it, and that she could give it to me. It rocked my world at that point. There was so much that I wasn't willing to be vulnerable with and God exposed my heart for what it was. Cold.

That quote helped me to open my heart to God, and to the most amazing man I get to call my husband. I realized my lack of vulnerability, and in turn my lack of love. I saw relationships (not just with Chris, but friends) that I wasn't being vulnerable in, in how I served, in how I shared, in how I led.

It still brings tears to my eyes when I read it now. I always want to strive to be vulnerable, at whatever the cost, because when I am vulnerable is when love (God) can be seen.

I found this in some research I was doing:

People sometimes ask why, if Satan is real, we don't see more demon possession and exorcisms in America. I have an idea. Satan holds American Christianity so tightly in the vice-grip of comfort and wealth that he's not about to tip his hand with too much demonic tomfoolery. What Satan fears most in this church is an outpouring of the Holy Spirit that causes us to say with Paul, "I count everything as refuse that I might gain Christ . . . that I might know the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings, becoming like him in his death."

John Piper (emphasis mine)

I love JP. He's awesome, and puts it all in perspective. I've been feeling discouraged of recently (as I'm sure you might be able to tell by my previous post) finding really good friends. Not just people to hang out with, or acquaintances, but someone who can be a source of encouragement and challenge me to become a better person and to press deeper into Christ. I realize it might make me sound a little crazy, but I don't want someone to just hang out with. I want more, I want a soul connection.

And it frustrates me that this seems to be something that is so difficult to find. Is it me? Is it them? Do they just not want that kind of relationship with someone? There are a bijillion questions of confusion that run through my mind. For now though, I know what to pray for. An outpouring of the Holy Spirit. Not just for my sake (because I think an indwelling of the HS makes one desire relationships like that) but Christ's sake.

No matter how good of friendships I've developed here, sometimes I just still feel like the newbie. I'm not sure if it's just my insecurity that makes me feel this way, or well...things actually being that way.

See a big part of what makes really good friends is history. And history I don't have. Not here.

As much as I love living in Atlanta, and being away from home, and the fresh perspective living in two new regions of the country has given me, it's awful hard to have history in a place you have only lived one year. Home has got plenty of history. The city does anyhow, but most of the people that I developed that history with are now scattered across the country. Arizona, Oklahoma, Miami...I've only got one good friend that still lives in STL.

I miss history. Knowing when it's okay to call someone and when it's not, knowing if they prefer to communicate by phone, email, or FB. Being able to say one word or phrase that will immediately send you both into fits of laughter. Understanding why when something happens in their life why it's so much more of an ordeal because of a past thing that it brings up that you know about. Being welcomed into their homes with big hugs from their family where you can all sit around and catch up. Most of all though, I think I miss being known.

Maybe someday I will get some history here. Or maybe not. Maybe there is just something special about the combination of high school and college where you develop deep and meaningful relationships. Something that those of us who dare to follow God's calling to new places must maintain through the blessings of technology.

Sometimes though, the thought of a cup of coffee with someone with history, or just hanging out around a kitchen counter, Bread Co. (where you know their order before they say it), or a girls night at Bahama Breeze warms my heart and makes me homesick.

Today is one of those days.

Home and settled. The boys still seem to be catching up on sleep a little bit though, seeing as how all 3 of them are sleeping right now.

What a crazy 7 days. It seems so odd that they were all back to back, and I feel like so much more happened than I will never have time to blog about.

Camp. Camp was... crazy. Interesting. Not at all like a vacation. It was nice to be at the beach and all, but I traded my job as a full time mom to two handsome boys that I can discipline however and whenever I want for babysitting/teaching 7 freshmen teenage girls that I had little control over.

All of us counselors were reminded several times that we were essentially completely responsible for our students and should know where they were at all times. No pressure right? I felt more intimidated about taking care of them then I did my own kids.

The girls that I had in my group were 3 girls that had attended my small group before, and 4 that I had never met. None of my core group of girls were able to come. This only added to my anxiousness of not knowing what to expect and how they would perceive me.

I was very surprised at the amount of spiritual warfare I saw present that week. Particularly towards the leaders. It was as if the enemy knew that was his easiest way to bring the students down, and did everything in his power to get at us. There were several instances of immediate family members of leaders having severe medical issues, and several other even more intense circumstances that are too sensitive to mention here. I really was surprised by the severity of it. However I was immensely blessed by the women leaders who hung out when we could, and got together to pray for individuals and as a whole on more than one occasion and encouraged on an other. I am so grateful to be in the midst of such amazing women. It's been a long time.

Being fairly new to the youth, and only really dealing with my group of girls on Wednesday nights, I'm not as familiar with this generation outside of my girls. Being immersed in it at camp, I was shocked to see what I think is a really big problem within this generation. A lack of respect. I feel old just saying that. I'm sure every generation has said that about the one behind them, but I really was impressed about the intensity of disrespect and downright undermining of authority.

Mind you my parents did a very good job of raising me to be a polite. In fact I think I called my in laws Mr. and Mrs. Kelly until almost a year after we were married and my MIL finally asked me to stop. It's almost second nature to me, and I still have to catch myself not offending others by calling them too proper of a name. But that's how I roll, and how my children are going to roll, and I think it's important because it teaches you about so much more.

The most disconcerting thing to me about the lack of respect shown is this: if in a camp environment you can't show me or another leader respect, then the chances are you don't show your parents much respect, if you don't show them respect how are you ever going to allow Christ to have any authority and respect His leadership over your life? Not to mention Christ commands us to respect those put in authority over us, even those who we don't agree with (I have a whole soap box on that, but another time...). Hebrews 13:17 got busted out a lot that week.

Camp was good. I learned some things too, which hopefully at some point I will have a chance to blog about. It ended with hugs and a salad (the food was horrible), and my wonderful husband whisking me off to Savannah.

I like that he met me halfway, I felt special getting to leave early and go to a romantic place. Words cannot describe Savannah. We hadn't been away just the two of us since our honeymoon. We probably could have gone to a shack in the woods and had a great time. You almost forget how much chemistry you have together without children involved. We checked into our hotel and got ready to head to dinner. While we were getting ready I was trying to put my bracelet on, realizing that at some point it must have broke. I was bummed because it was the only one I had with me, and I really liked it. Chris came in with a small wrapped box and said, I don't have a bracelet, but I do have something that might make it better. I was quite surprised. We don't usually do gifts because of money, and we especially don't do them when we are going away on a wonderful trip. The box contained absolutely perfect diamond earrings. I could not have picked more perfect ones out myself. Princess cut, screw back, perfection.

Then we went to dinner and had the most amazing meal of our lives. Jazz'd Tapas. If you are ever in Savannah, go. In fact, go to Savannah just to go there. The food was SO good. They had a live jazz band playing that was quite talented too. The only thing that could have made it better was a pastry chef and more energy. Four nights of 5 hours or less of sleep in a row were getting to me, and our dinner reservation was at 9:30.

The rest was great, we did the Trolley tours, walked around, ate at some more wonderful restaurants. We got up Sunday planning to grab a quick breakfast and see a few more spots before we grabbed lunch and headed home. God had other plans. I love it when he has other plans.

We were looking at a map, being obvious tourists trying to remember where Jazz'd was since I saw a great breakfast place across the street from it where we wanted to go. A homeless man came up to us asking if he could help us find where it was. We had already pretty much figured it out, but Chris chatted with him a minute amusing him wanting to help. He offered to help us find it. Knowing where we were going, and my protective husband wanting to be cautious he told him he thought we could get there. Then the guy just asked us if we could get him some food. I was intrigued that he asked for food and not money, as must have been my husband who had been carrying most of the conversation up until that point, because after an agreeing glance from me, he asked him to walk with us to breakfast place.

What proceeded was a very sad story. A Vietnam vet, disabled from depression and diabetes, family who wasn't unable to take him in, and no government assistance. But then God stepped in. Somehow he had found a church and he had hope, things were beginning to look up for him. There were connections he had made, and potential shelter coming in the future. After we got our food (which we were previously going to eat and walk) we sat down and Joseph asked to pray. And pray he did. He thanked God for bringing us to him, among many other things. We chatted with him for a while as he ate, hearing more about his story. He got shrimp and grits, because that's what his momma used to make that he loved, and he hadn't had it in years. We got him some fruit, and juice, to help keep his blood sugar from crashing. We're not cash people (meaning we hardly ever carry it, or much of it) but as we finally left Chris gave him all that we had. He kept saying how grateful he was that God brought us to him.

I was grateful too. Grateful that maybe we could help in some small way, and grateful that God would remind us of His heart. After leaving with Joseph's situation on my mind, and some other things that Chris and I have been dealing with, I'm impressed and confused by God's grace.

I am a blessed woman. I have an incredible husband, and two healthy handsome smart boys. While my house isn't the biggest or even decorated yet, I have a beautiful home, with nice furniture, and two cars. We have found a wonderful church and have the start of some hopefully good friendships. But why me? Why do I get so much? Not that I'm not grateful, but why do I get to have it so easy when some have it so hard? I know I have gone through some struggles, but they pale in comparison to the things that others have had to deal with. I have always had a meal waiting on me. I have always had a roof over my head. I have never gone without medical care. I have never been sexually abused. I have so much, and others have had to fight for everything that they have.

I am grieved by their wounds and what they do without, and I feel so insignificant when I try to help or give, or support with friendship and prayer. My heart hurts for these people and what they have lived with and had to endure, and I'm not sure what to do with that. I know I do what I can, and what God gives me the ability to do and that He will use that. I have faith in that, and the healing power and supplication that only He can provide in such miraculous ways. But sometimes, I just don't understand. And I don't think I'm supposed to. He's God, and He has his reasons. I may not understand or agree but I know that my God is a God of love and mercy, patience and grace, and I must trust that He has these people in His hands, and that He is doing a work that He will get great glory from. So I pray, and do what I can, and most importantly trust in that.

So that is how my week of festivities ended. I'm still processing through a lot of it, but I love how in the most unexpected circumstances (like leading/teaching/caring for seven 15 year old girls, or your anniversary trip to Savannah) God finds a way to teach me, and to humble me, and pull me closer to Him. What a great God I serve.

I leave on Monday for camp. Youth camp that is. I'm going as a leader. I also just found out they made me bus captain. Bus captain? I wasn't scared but between that and the dress up nights I found out they have (luau, movie night, and 70's???) I'm feeling a little intimidated.

I'm super excited though, I just hope that in a short amount of time I'll be able to get a good read on the girls I have (most of my regulars aren't coming) and know how best to interact with them.

I come back from camp on Friday, and then Chris and I turn right around and head to Savannah to celebrate our 5 year anniversary.

Five years. It seems like no time at all. We also have never, in five years, taken a trip just the two of us. Okay, well there was one time we went to a wedding in KC, but it was for one night, and I was 8 months pregnant, March madness finals were on and a bunch of his guy friends were there too. It just wasn't that kind of trip.

It's also the first time we've really got to celebrate our anniversary. We're always having babies or moving. So it's kind of a big deal all around.

I like celebrating our anniversary. It's just an excuse to remind myself again why I'm a very blessed girl. My husband, is pretty much amazing. I know every girls says that, but mine really is.

I have never met another guy more worthy of respect than my husband. Okay, maybe Mr. Hillis, but I think Chris is a lot like him, so it's kind of the same thing. He's just so solid. I know that sounds odd, but I continue to be in awe of his unwavering rock solid views on life. He doesn't ever seem to question if something is right or wrong, he just knows what is right and does it. This goes across the board at church, social gatherings, and work. He doesn't have one face for one group and another for someone else.

His work ethic is beyond anything I've ever seen, he gives 110% all the time. He never slacks on doing a good job, and he has called in sick maybe once or twice in 5 years of working there. He's courteous to everyone and doesn't get sucked into office drama or politics. He helps his co-workers out when they are behind, and when they come to him for questions takes time out of his busy schedule to answer and help them.

This applies at home and church too, whether it be helping around the house (we actually have fights about him wanting to clean) leading our small group, or being a dad. He is always giving himself away to people, and helping to serve them.

He's kind and generous, has a strong moral standard, but isn't a stick in the mud. Somehow he manages to be everything to everyone without compromising any of himself.

Some people think he is quiet when they first meet him which seems so odd to me. I think that it's the fact that he isn't going to run his mouth about nothing. If he has something to say, he'll say it, but he's not going to jump in with a bunch of people and talk just to talk. He's thoughtful and intentional about what he says. And hilarious. There is no one that can make me laugh as much as he can. If you know him well, you know what I'm talking about, no further explanation needed.

Most importantly he is a servant leader. Everywhere, but mainly in our house. I haven't had the best of luck with male authority figures in my life, but there has never been one ounce of fear regarding his leadership of me and our family with him. If there is an area he realizes he hasn't been the greatest in, he doesn't hesitate to apologize.

He's an amazing husband, father (it's kind of ridiculous how much our kids adore their daddy), friend, leader... the list could go on forever.

If there is ever a time where I'm being less than grateful all God has to do is remind me of who I married, and what He gave me. That alone is prompt to worship and praise His faithfulness, goodness, and most importantly mercy.

The very first time I met Chris I told God I wanted to marry a guy like that. I just never imagined I would actually get to marry that guy!

I have self-confidence issues. And I have an overly analytical brain. This is a very bad combination.

It results in thoughts like these, while preparing for a playdate the next morning:

"What should I pack the kids and I for lunch? Should I just pack what we usually eat? But what if they don't think I feed my kids healthy enough, and what if they look at what am I eating and think that is the reason why I'm fat (mind you the kids eat turkey, cheese, and fruit, and I have a turkey sandwich on wheat bread and fruit). I have to go to the gym before it, all my gym clothes are old and ratty, what if they think I'm a complete slob? Should I go home and change first?"

It's so annoying, and it goes on like this all of the stinking time. Especially in social situations, I am always criticizing myself, or wondering if I said too much, or the wrong thing, or a bijillion other critiques.

I've always been a self aware person. Aware of what I'm wearing, how I'm put together, the overall image I'm portraying. However I wasn't always so critical of myself in what I said. In fact I probably used to be not critical enough of the things that came out of my mouth. Now I'm overly critical, and yet I still say overly harsh things all the time.

I think Ukraine, and babies messed me up.

Let me explain that. In Ukraine I was made aware of a lot of negative qualities in myself. While I am grateful that they were brought to my attention, I was not approached in a very kind or loving manner on these issues. In fact many of the things I had even previously liked about myself were criticized while there.

I came home feeling very aware of every little thing I said and did, and felt like everyone was watching all of my mistakes ready to attack me about them just like happened there.

Within two years of that I had a baby. I gained 50 pounds while I was pregnant, and 30 of them hung around. The little self confidence that I had left had been based on my appearance. Add that to a non existent clothing budget (my other crutch), and you can imagine the damage.

Since then I've been able to regain some of my confidence back. It's mostly confidence in who I am, and what I know about myself to be true, i.e. what God has given me, done in me and who He has created me to be.

But when it comes to social situations, I'm a disaster. It doesn't help to be in a fairly new place with fairly new friends, who don't really know me either.

It's a really annoying cycle, and my mind is my biggest enemy. Replaying all of the bad scenes, wrong words used, questionable humor and bad actions. Sometimes I really wish God had made an off switch for it.

So in hindsight, watching Benjamin Button the same weekend my baby boy turned 1 probably wasn't the best of ideas. It only contributed to the echoing thought in my head: how fast this all seems to be going.

More annoyingly I feel as though I have been squandering the precious time I have been given with them as little ones. On the job training is rough.

Thankfully, I'm picking up some of the lessons before it's all too late.

The first year with your first one is incomprehensible. Your too busy just tyring to survive to even think about treasuring moments. Add to that an expectation of moving away from your friends and family, contemplating a career change, and dealing with the additional 30 pounds your carrying around and all that it does to your formerly know self confidence, and you can pretty much rule it out all together. Josh turning a year old was one of the biggest causes to celebrate that I had ever heard of. I was so glad to be done with that.

After moving to CT (shortly after he turned one), I was thrust once again into survival mode. What with no friends, family, church, and a host of other things that we did without, we became focused on getting out of there as quickly as we could. Except in the process of submitting resumes, and repainting the entire house, we forgot to live in the present. Some of my favorite times with Josh slipped by without me taking more careful note of what I was losing.

Then Jack came, and right behind it the move to Georgia. It was all that we hoped it would be. Great house, great people, great church, new friends, and new things to be involved again. Once again we had a life. After living in two years of isolation I jumped at all the new possibilities of doing something. This past semester Chris and I led a small group, I was in a Beth Moore bible study, and I lead a small group of girls in the youth on Wednesdays. Add on to that providing some sort of baked good for my youth girls every week, providing snack for our small group most of the time, a couple of dinners or other cooking obligation for other occurrences, and I have been going almost nonstop.

Then Jack turned one. And I realized even though I had been trying to be more intentional about treasuring the moments I had, I hadn't been intentional enough about making the memories.

I like being busy. I like being able to do everything for everyone and make everyone happy. I like being super mom. Problem is, I only need to be super mom in the eyes of two people (okay, maybe three). And I don't feel like I was doing the best job at that. So with more time off this summer (PTL!) I've been looking at the priorities. Something is going to go, and I will not be saying yes every time someone asks me to make something. Besides I have a business now, they can pay me : )

I don't want to just have more time at home or more down time. I still want to be busy, but busy spending time with my guys, playing with them, taking them to the park, making things that they actually get to help with, and building memories with them.

Parenting little ones is tough work. Anybody who can't admit that has amnesia. It's one of the most draining, exhausting, monotonous jobs. It's easy to get caught up in it and just trudge through trying to survive. In that process you loose sight of the beauty in that period.

I've been in survival mode, and I've done being focused on the "next thing" missing what is right in front of me. I've also done "my thing" being so busy with all my obligations that I forget how quickly it's all going by.

Now I'm going to try to figure out "our thing". Where I get to do what I'm really passionate about, and get the occasional breaks I need to keep me from going insane, but where what needs to be done around the house is getting done, and where both of the boys are getting undivided attention each day. The most important part: letting it be intentional, and not a schedule, or obligation, but really having my eyes open to all the wonderful parts of this time and enjoying it.

I'm just so thankful that God has opened my eyes to this while my oldest is only 4, instead of 18! How great is his mercy!

One of my dear friends once told me that making friends once you're out of college is like dating. I have found that observation to be very true. Particularly since moving to a new area that holds the possibility of new friendships (unlike CT).

Like right now, I have a couple of people that I have found that I consider myself to be friends with, and a handful of additional acquaintances. However, just like dating there is a big difference between just dating, and being boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm not looking to just date (casual friendships) I want a boyfriend (close friend).

I consider myself blessed to have the close friends that I do, however all of mine are a plane ride (or at least a days drive) away. It would be so nice to have someone in the same city that really knows whats going on in my life, who I can call on the phone without feeling weird, go out for a girls night with, and challenge me.

So how do I get there with the potential close friends that I have now? Like in dating does one person have to propose the idea, or declare it? And then there's the obvious, but what if they don't want the same level of relationship that I do? What if they are happy where we are at? What if they're too busy, or have better close friend options, or if I'm just not what they're looking for?

Then there is the issue of if you're friends (analogy for husband and kids) don't like them or don't get along with their friends.

Obviously both being girls there's not one person that's supposed to make the move, so I'm just stuck. Wanting more, but not knowing how to get it. And not wanting to be rejected if I ask for it.

And this is why I have a whole analogy on why the suburbs are like high school. But that is a whole other post.

I had to go to the doctor yesterday. I say had to because of just that I had to. Every spring or fall (depending on the year) in STL I would get a sinus infection. Now for some reason or another in CT I escaped this problem (that makes one positive for CT and 539 negatives). However apparently in Georgia this issue is making it's return.

That is why I had to go to the doctor. I had a sinus infection, I knew what it was, and I knew what I needed (anything other than the z-pak they always try to waste my time on, it never works!). Bu they control the drugs, so to them I went.

Mind you going was a process, since we haven't had to find a general practitioner for Chris and I yet. Lucky for me I was already in my pediatricians office that morning for Jack's ear infection so I asked for a referral while I was in there. Since the place I was recommended to was just around the corner I thought I would see if they had anything within the next hour or two. They practically laughed at me when I asked. Okay, sure I guess I will take 3:15. Right in the middle of my youngest (cranky ear infected, much needed) nap time. Thankfully the hubs came to the rescue saying he would just come home early and flex a few hours. Then I had to get online and print the forms (about 12 pages of them) with my own ink on my own paper, that I paid money for, and fill them out.

So off I finally went. After a chilly greeting (umh hello, do I not live in the south?) and staring at the ceiling (seriously, not even a good magazine) I was ushered back by a nurse who mumbled through a Jamaican accent. She was carrying a computer. She made me put down my bag, take off my shoes, and my sunglasses (?!) and step on the scale. I don't like typing on a computer while I am on a scale.

So we headed to the room. No eye contact, listed symptoms, blood pressure, take off sunglasses (for my BP?!). More typing, and she leaves, mumbling something.

Doctor in, with computer, no eye contact, no introduction, asked to list symptoms, I list them to no response. Typing. Finally she gets up looks in my ears and nose, then sits. Typing. No eye contact. Then she say let's get a sinus x-ray and then we'll go from there. Umh, a sinus x-ray???? Since when did they invent that, and when do they have it in office? I wanted to scream, no, I know what I have, don't make me pay, don't make me pay! But I said nothing, and went to the xray room. Same mumbling nurse, take off sunglasses.

Finally the doctor returns (with computer) to tell me, oh, that's right, I DO have a sinus infection (thank you Captain Obvious) and after trying to sell me on Z-Pak and telling her it has never worked on me she writes me a prescription for some other drug which I presume is a generic penicillin of some sort. Finally, the goods.

I drop off the prescription (of course Walgreen's is taking 1/2 an hour to fill them) and go home. Hubs to the rescue again goes and picks it up. Comes home to tell me the goods cost $130.00. There were no words. Jack had gotten antibiotics that morning and they were $9.00. Pharmacist tried to call the doctor, and surprise, couldn't reach them. And you can't exactly return a filled prescription.

I will not be returning to that doctor, and am already wincing at the very idea of the bill. We're trying to find a new one now, and there will be an interview process. It will consist of: do your nurses and doctors use computers?