To say there is a lot going on in life right now may be a bit of an understatement.

I really dislike when I have a lot going on and yet am craving time to just be in the word...or books about His word and spending time with God. I just want to sit, and be for at least an hour... without falling asleep.

Maybe it's because God is doing a lot in our lives right now.

For the first time in five year Chris and I are both plugged into our own individual small groups, a small group with couples, and are serving the body.

We both love it, but at the same time during all that spiritually stagnant time (a.k.a. Connectisuck) there were areas we slacked off in, or strongholds we allowed Satan to form. So along with involvement has come a lot of coming back to where we once were, and working to break through those strongholds.

I feel like my mind is just now beginning to fire on some of the cylinders it used to run on. I used to be filled with lots of deep theological and philosophical ponderings, and while I still have those thoughts they are more simple (because as much as people try to complicate it, I think our faith and the questions it brings up really is rooted in simplicity), or consumed with issues more applicable to my day to day life, like marriage and children.

I think the biggest areas God is helping me gain freedom in is insecurity, and finances. Finances seem like a silly one, so let me explain a bit.

I have swung to both extremes in the view of money. Growing up in a well-to-do high school where Coach purses were low end, and there were rows of BMW and Mercedes in the parking lot, I became very materialistic...and very aware of what money did. After Ukraine, I swung to the other extreme, judging those who drove the BMW's and bought designer purses (especially those within the church). I didn't want to have any money because I saw what it did, I viewed it as evil, not as a gift from God and a tool to glorify Him.

Both extremes unhealthy. Besides, now I'm somewhere in the middle. We don't drive a BMW, but we are by no means poor (no matter how Dave and our budget some times makes us feel). We don't want to live like no one else so we can live like no one else (Dave's motto). We want to live like no one else, so we can help others live. So we're working on honoring God with our finances. And for us that means more than tithing. My attitude towards money was very off and God is helping me work through my issues towards it. And trusting Him with it, and to provide it. This also goes back to a lot of worry issues for me that being a planner I'm prone to.

It's amazing how in working through finance issues, I'm dealing with so many other related issues (insecurity, lack of trust, selfishness, pride...), so I feel like there's a whole slew of struggles I'm just at the tip of.

With insecurity, I feel like I am just at the beginning of what will more than likely be a life long process of fighting for freedom in this area. It's a fickle one to fight through. In the process of working through my issues with it I find myself focusing all too often on me. My hurts, my triggers, my thoughts...and while some of it is helpful, to gain insight on what has made me who I am and the choices I make...it's not okay to stay self focused (my issue with existentialism, but that's another post). We are supposed to be Christ focused, with our thoughts and actions. So after I spend so much time processing through what brought about the result of my current personhood, I must be quick to relate it back to Christ and regain my focus.

Even though looking back gains insight, I need to look up to remind me of why I've dealt with and been formed into what I am. To glorify God.

I've heard people talk about needing salvation just as much now as the day they were first saved. I actually find myself even more dependent on it now. I am more aware now of how completely repulsive my heart is, because Christ has entered my life. Each day He gives me more awareness to the sin that lives within, unclouding my vision, making it more like His.

All that to say...here's hoping for some down time on the 10hour drive to get some extended JC time. It's all up to the kiddos. At least I don't have to drive. And after a 18hour drive up to Philly, and a 15hour drive home, that is something!

I know I have a whole mission trip to post on...but I'm not sure I can do it justice now. Actually, I'm not sure you can ever do those trips justice with words. It's just something you have to experience.


Any how the gist of it is, I feel torn. Torn between missions and ministry and my heart for that and my current call for the season to be a great mom and wife and to invest in my family. It's a hard line to walk and I feel like I'm always leaning to hard to one direction.

I feel like I'm taking too much time way or neglecting my family when I do the level of ministry that I want, and when I throw myself into my family and neglect serving I feel like I've lost a part of myself.

I think this is the tight rope walk of parenthood. We have to give up some of ourselves and desires to be good parents, but we must maintain outside connection and activities to not loose ourselves in our children...who need to learn to be self sufficient and will eventually be gone.

Other than torn...it was a great trip. Different from others (in it's essence and location) but mainly because I had a different role. Instead of being the main participant or helping create the tone of the trip, I went as a leader which ended up being more of a directing role.

I helped plan and communicate the ideas of VBS each day, but other than that the students ran the show. The first day I tried to help set the tone by jumping into conversations with others and working hard, but after that I tried to back off and make sure the students had every opportunity to be the ones communicating and interacting.

I felt like I was there more to serve the students and enable them to have an impactful trip. One that hopefully opened their eyes and gave them the desire to do more.

And I think that was the best part. Getting to see mainly 15 year olds jumping into conversations with intimidating people, listening, praying, helping. Not being afraid to do some hard work and stepping up and taking leadership. Especially my girls. I know their struggles and hang ups, and to get to see them work through those and take huge steps that week was awesome. It was a reminder of the opportunity I have every single week I help lead them to make an impact.

I wish I could write notes to all of their leaders and parents telling them how proud they should be at what their students did that week. I was especially blown away by the guys. I pray that Josh and Jack will be in the same place as some of our students at that age. I got to hear 15 year old guys talking about their parents with respect and admiration and see them step into leadership roles...they were respectful of the girls and of the leaders. So neat to see.

So that's the summation of the trip. God is good.

Wow. It has been quite the last few weeks, filled with a lot of ups and downs.

First off let me tell you how much I love my job. The one I actually make money with, not the one that involves more work! It took five years to discover something that I could do successfully from home and almost six to get where I was being somewhat consistent about how much I brought in.

I dropped a cupcake cake off tonight and the 12 year old who it was for ran out and exclaimed "awesome, that's exactly what I wanted!" Which if you know many 12 year old girls, then you know that's a big deal. Not to mention, I'm kind of self-conscious about the looks of what I make. The area I feel like I nail it out of the park on is taste. So if I won them over with looks...just wait until they taste it!

I feel SO blessed and grateful to be able to stay at home and still help bring in some extra income doing something I love!

Especially since we have started Dave Ramsey's FPU. It's kicking our butts. There are good days, and hard days, but we have made some pretty big changes and set some pretty big goals. We canceled our Dish. And shipped off our DVR. That's a big sacrifice for us. We're trying to honor God with our finances and be smarter and wiser about what we do with them. I wish someone had told us some of this stuff before we got married!

I've also almost finished Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity. That book has taken me through the ringer. It's definitely in my top 3 life changing books! I'm already ready to read it again. Of course any area you try seek freedom in Satan usually tries to attack you in, and in true form he had me pretty bruised last week.

It might have been because the weather where a lot more skin is showing has arrived, or because two of the people that make me feel most insecure called and made some fun comments, or because I was feeling like a failure in a couple of areas....no matter what it was he took advantage of it.

I'm doing better this week, but I've also been saying "she is clothed with strength and dignity" every couple of minutes as well! Of course right before I'm getting ready to leave on a mission trip when I should NOT be focusing on myself and mentally and prayerfully preparing for what's ahead, he messes with me. Jerk.

Every one keeps asking if I'm excited for my trip. The truth is: I haven't even had time to think about it. And when I do I get....you guessed it- insecure. I know it sounds dumb, but it's been 7 years since I've been on a mission trip. That is a long stinking time. Not to mention the last trip didn't exactly end in the smoothest of fashion, and I had about 3 months of emotional recovery that followed it.

I don't have enough scripture memorized, I'm out of touch with apologetics, I don't know how best to minister in an inner city type environment, and I'm supposed to be leading my girls in how to do this?!?! Thank goodness these things aren't about me. In fact I think the top thing I always leave from trips like this feeling is *humbled*. By what I have, by what I've been given, for grace and mercy, and JESUS. Besides, I think going in knowing I'm not prepared and I'm not ready is exactly where I need to be. Because if I feel confident in my abilities, then I will rely on those, and not seek Him in and before all I do on this trip.

I'm ready to transition....to focus on tomorrow, and SUNDAY, and the fact that not 5 hours after the greatest celebratory day of our faith I get to leave to put it into action. We may not get to dye eggs this year, or even have as cool of Easter baskets, heck I may not even where a dress on Sunday...but I do get the opportunity to go tell people that HE ROSE. And if my kids remember nothing else about this Easter, hopefully they'll remember that mommy left to go tell about what Jesus did on Sunday.

Please pray for me. For humility, grace, patience, kindness, wisdom, strength, rest, safe travels, words and compassion. To be able to pour myself out, and leave knowing I gave my all there. No regrets. To lead well and know the time to step in and the time to step back. To love beyond my own capabilities. To show Christ to those who don't know Him.