Sometimes being away from friends and family is really hard.

I didn't always have the best of family life growing up so in late high school and college the friends I made became like family. In fact I talk to them more than my family.

So when one of my best friends (of nearly 10 years) has her first baby, the caretaker in me has difficulty being still. Not making dinner, or cupcakes, or cute gifts, or just sitting in a chair holding sweet baby Carter, but being on the opposite side of the country able to do none of the above.

So I will do the only thing I can do (but should be doing all along regardless), pray. Pray blessings over their new family, pray for health and quick recovery, pray joy and hope, for perseverance and a strong finish (in AZ), wisdom and patience, and most of all for the Lord to reveal Himself in new magnificent ways through their new addition.

Wow. There has been so much going on in the last month. Not just activities but God really working on me. I love it. I just wish I had more time to process and share it all. But like most things in my life right now, ya'll get the cliff notes version.

This post pretty much sums up my status with prayer. This was written by that guy I talk about all the time- Matt Chandler's wife. I wish I could be friends with her. Anyhow, I've been in general feeling convicted about my attitude in prayer and reading this summer up where I'm at exactly. I feel like God has been giving me a deeper heart for prayer, and even a greater desire for it. Maybe it's because he's also been working on me with pride (more on that later) that the humble act of prayer is coming more frequent and natural for me. However now I have this problem of wanting to spend more large amounts of time focused on that. It's a problem because I have small children. I have small LOUD children. And I cannot get up early enough for time in the word and the amount of prayer that I want. So hopefully at this point in my life The Lord is cool with us chatting regularly throughout the day.

The hubs and I have been having lots of deep talks recently. See there's this topic that keeps coming up every few months, and it has since we got married. It's this whole ministry subject. Are we called to it/are we not called to it, what is the timing and logistics of making that leap if we are... there are lots of conversations. Long story short when we first met Chris wanted to be a worship pastor. Through some drama and life and God opening other doors, it didn't happen. And thankfully not right away, or else that whole having having a kid in your first year of marriage wouldn't have worked out so well. I've know every step that we were where God wanted us, but we've always wondered about "in the future" or "when God opens doors". Well we are finally at a point where there is no next immediate step in the future, and it's almost is God is telling us to pick our future. And after 5 years, I think we are both just ready to KNOW already. Are we called to corporate life, or are we called to ministry life, and just wanting it to be clear and have a peace about God's calling and placement. So we're praying for that. Along with that has been me learning a lot. Being willing to be submissive and come under my husbands leadership no matter what decision and my happiness with it is (he usually makes decisions I like and respect so it's not as much an issue).

And that whole pride thing. I know I've thrown it around here before, and other places, and I don't have an issue saying I've got a pride issue. The problem is that the throwing it around has become commonplace and I stopped taking seriously the sin issue in my life. Thankfully god hasn't been letting me get away with that any longer and is officially kicking my butt on it again. I am so grateful. One of my constant prayers is that He would open my eyes to the sin in my life and that I could see it as how He sees it. The problem is I'm not outwardly prideful (generally speaking, I'm sure there are a LOT of exceptions) my biggest are of weakness is in my mind and the thoughts that I have the comments that stay in my head, my attitude and motivation behind doing or saying something. Thankfully God is getting in my head too. I need more of him there. My biggest struggle with pride is that too often I am focused on me and myself and not enough on Him, His glory, and His greatness and plan. Thankfully I'm a work in progress and through His grace there is hope.

So that generally sums up me and my life right now. I miss having more time to get my thoughts out. November brings hope of normality, PTL! Maybe more external processing will resume. I sure hope so because without it I am in my head way too much, and that isn't good for anyone. I over think things.

"Philippians 1:9-11. "And this I pray that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ, having been filled with fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God." Paul prays that our love will grow in discernment, so that we will choose what is excellent. In the complexity of life we don't always know what is excellent and what is the most loving, and thus we need wisdom to discern what is the most loving action in various circumstances. Should we fire the employee that is doing poor work or give him another chance? How much time should we spend with our families and how much time in other ministry? What is the best way to respond to non-believers with whom we work? Sometimes it seems best to confront them with evil, but often we overlook their evil because we know the root problem is that they are unregenerate. It is not easy to know the best way to respond in each situation. There is no one right and simple answer to these questions. The difficulty of deciding what is the most loving in each circumstance explains why Paul says in Ephesians 5:10 that we must test what is pleasing to the Lord. This implies that it is not always immediately clear what is the best course of action, what is the most loving thing to do.

The commandments God gives us are like the banks of a river which control the general flow of the river. When we violate God's commandments we cause the river to run over the banks, and thus it loses its power and beauty. If we add commandments not found in the Scriptures, we widen the banks of the river so that it becomes slow and stagnant and loses its life and vitality. And within the stream of the river there are numerous decisions that need to be made which cannot be specified in advance. The Bible does not anticipate every situation we will encounter. We need the Holy Spirit and wisdom to discern what is best to do as different instances arrive in our life. Scripture informs us that love is the guideline. But there is no attempt to calculate in advance what we should do in each circumstance of life. We read the Scriptures, pray, seek wisdom, and rely upon the Spirit in attempting to discern God's will."

John Piper

Apparently I need more discernment, and to be better in tune to the Holy Spirit because there are definitely some things I have been trying to figure out. (said with sarcasm) I love it when the answer is: there is no answer.

Wow. I think I have just had the busiest 3 weeks of my adult life. It has been insanity around here.

Lots of ministry events, CIA (compassion in action) an all day (for me) serving event, Rock 4 Love, and helping with the start of of a Compassion Leadership Team within the youth. Throw in visits from both grandparents, a 2 day conference (which was SO good), prep for a baby shower I am helping to host and a slew of other daily responsibilities and I am worn.out.

I so wish I had the time to digest and post after each of the events because there is so much to say and so much I want to remember about each one, but I will have to do with highlights.

CIA- so neat to get to see all of my girls serving and their hearts for that. Of all the youth that showed up my girls comprised almost half of them. I have a rock star group. I must admit I was surprised by a few who usually don't participate as much in group who really shined during this. When we talked about it at group on Wed. one of girls broke down crying by how moved she was by the thought of what some of the people we were ministering too lived with out. I really am looking forward to the start up of the CLT and being able to give students more opportunities to have those kind of experiences and for the Lord to humble them.

Catalyst- SO good. by far the neatest part was getting to hear Matt Chandler in person. When he prayed at the end I started sobbing, and I'm not even joking ya'll it was pretty close to getting to the real ugly cry. Over 3 years ago shortly after we had moved to CT and we were low on hope of every finding a church and had absolutely NO contact with any other person in the area, I was desperate for some sort of spiritual content in my life. Haphazardly my best friend suggested I check out this guy named Matt Chandler (she lived in Dallas where he is). I started listening to him and it pretty much rocked my world. I started podcasting him and listened to his sermons at least twice a week. I could go on and on about what a gifted teacher he is and for all the reasons that how he speaks hits me so hard, but I will suffice it to say that his sermons were what helped me get through an other wise spiritually desolate time. Being 3 years down the road and out of CT, living in GA and being able to attend a conference where I got to see Matt Chandler speak...I was simply overwhelmed by God's goodness and faithfulness. It was like a small blessing for following Him where He led us even though it was a rough path.

Rock 4 Love- I think the best part of this (other than getting to see about 200 students come to Christ and getting to pray over 6 of them) was having Chris with me. This is the first time since we've been married that we've done the majority of our serving not together. Sometimes it's been hard, but I know he has other passions and talents than working with students. However it was fun to have him around for a night. I forgot how much fun working with him was. It was also nice to be able to hang out with some of the other leaders. It was fun to watch him do his thing too. There is just something about watching your man do his thing that just reminds you how much you love him.

So those are the highlights, and I have stayed up way too late to give them. Hopefully there is more time to process life in general right now, as well as time to document it.

I must admit I never really understood what Paul meant in this passage from 1 Corinthians.

7:32 And I want you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 7:33 But a married man is concerned about the things of the world, how to please his wife, 7:34 and he is divided. An unmarried woman ²⁴ or a virgin ²⁵ is concerned about the things of the Lord, to be holy both in body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the things of the world, how to please her husband. 7:35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place a limitation on you, but so that without distraction you may give notable and constant service to the Lord.

I mean I theoretically understood, but it still seemed kind of harsh to me. I (pridefully) always thought I could do it all, and do it well.

I get it now.

Last night Chris and I had to sit down and have a conversation about our schedule and if I was trying to do too much ministry and serving. Just saying that seems shocking to me. Too much? There is never too much! I'm not even doing everything I want to do!

But when our family nights are dwindling, keeping up with the house is stressful, I've stopped enjoying making family meals each night, and there are only 3 days in all of October where there is not something to do on the calender, something has got to give somewhere.

I must admit that I at times struggle with making my family my priority ministry, or even viewing it as a ministry. I think the line of serving enough out side of the home, without it being too much is always going to be a difficult line for me. I think it's important that my children see me serving and being actively involved in ministry, but I don't want them ever to feel like I care more about, or give more time and attention to the people that I serve instead of them.

Thankfully, I think don't think we are anywhere near that point, but I want to make sure I never even get close to that.

I love my husband, and I love my children and I want to do the best I can for all of them, while doing everything I can to further the kingdom as well. I'm learning it's very difficult to do both to a level I am happy with simultaneously.

That is why I have a new understanding for that passage. I wish I could go to youth camp, and the youth mission trip, I want to do more foreign mission trips as well, I would love to help lead a youth servant team where we help minister to the needs of our community weekly (serving at homeless shelters, elderly homes, etc.), I want to have time to contact each of my small group girls throughout the week, I hope to lead my own Beth Moore bible study, and I want to have done an in depth study on the passage for our adult small group each week, not to mention keeping up with all the meetings, trainings, retreats, and prayer requests for all of the aforementioned aread.

But for right now, none of those are really plausible. I also want to be there for my boys every time they need me. I want to help Josh master writing his alphabet and make cupcakes all the time for his class, answer all his questions about God and Jesus and help him memorize more bible verses. I want to get in as many snuggles from Jack as he will allow before he gets too old, and I want to make him laugh every chance I get and help him figure out which is his eye and which is his ear. I want to hear about what happened in my families life over a hot (ok, warm) healthy meal each night, and I want (ok, need) a half an hour (at least) of quality time with my husband each night.

Those, I can do (most of the time). And that needs to be enough for me. I know I have a ministry calling for my life, but just as I committed to being a stay at home mom and not working full time, I need to be better about putting my (full time and unpaid) ministry calling on hold while I focus on the more important ministry God has given me right now.

I just wish it was possible to have this kind of insight while you are single. I wish I would have taken more advantage of the freedom that singleness offers and done more during that time (and no, coffeehouses and living in Ukraine wasn't enough for me : ) I dream big.) I wish I would have cherished it more as a gift.

I think that's a whole other blog post, cherishing whatever time you are in and the blessings they bring. Because even a time of suffering brings blessing, but I digress...

So I will continue to struggle with contentedness at my primary ministry being at home and try to figure out the line between too much and not enough serving. Hopefully I will have a long list of ministry passions and goals stored up to pursue when all my kids are in school, or out of it, whenever God decides. Something to look forward to.