Life has been pretty crazy.

The boys (all 3 of them) have been sick for almost three weeks now and Josh has hit a new level of not listening and blatant disobedience.

I've also been thinking a lot about priorities.

I would hope that my priorities are God, my family and serving. For the most part I think that is fairly close to my reality (although admittedly I at times sub my service to God for our actual relationship).

The problem is all the other things that come into play. Taking care of my house, cooking the meals, my cupcake business, exercising and keeping up with the admin work that a lot of my serving involves.

I'm not as sure about how to prioritize those, or if they should even be a priority. At least for right now. Life with small children (at least my small children) is kind of stressful and high maintenance. I feel like if I am doing good with my three top priorities (God, family and service) than I should be happy with that.

But I'm not happy with it, and I feel like I should be doing it all, and in the attempt to do it all I usually end up sacrificing one or more of the top three priorities. And I seem to feel guilty no matter what. Either I feel guilty for the lack of time I'm spending with and for the Lord, how much I have given to my family, or for something on the "other things" list that I'm not getting done.

I think in particular the exercise one has been getting me down. Mainly because I have been struggling with self-confidence again (again??? how can it be again when it never stopped). See I'm one of those crazy people that enjoys exercise. I like it in a gym, but prefer it outside. I like to walk, run, do the elliptical, hike, whatever. I like to move and be active. The problem is time. It takes time to pack up and go to the gym and exercise (about an hour to hour and a half to be exact). It takes time to go somewhere out side and exercise. And I also have this problem of my kids. Exercising with them just isn't an option, and whenever I take them with me to the gym I feel bad about leaving them in childcare an additional time for the week, and not using that as quality time with them.

But if I don't exercise then I start to feel guilty that I don't. Because seriously, everyone in the suburbs goes to the gym. At least twice a week. And I haven't been in two months. And then I see a picture of myself and it all goes down hill.

I have this thought that I keep struggling with regarding my self esteem and self image. I think I was beautiful before I had kids. I was cute and thin and had really good abs. I could eat whatever I wanted, and I did. I liked what God had created. But after Josh...I'm not so much a fan of this version. Even though I'm healthier now in how I eat then I was before kids. And the thought that keeps running through my head is that what God made was good, but somehow I messed it up and ruined what He made. And then comes the guilt about how I should be exercising and making that a priority. Of which I would have to take time away from family, God or serving to do the level which would make a difference.

So. I've been having issues with priorities. And self-esteem. Actually, we'll just leave it that I have issues.

I have something that's been rolling through my mind for awhile now, and I keep avoiding it. But I'm just going to put it out there.

Sometime I feel like I am suffocating in the suburbs.

There. It's out there.

The most frustrating part about it is, there is a part of me that wanted, and still wants this.

Then there's this other part that wants to live somewhere crazy, like the inner city, or on acres of land, or in a foreign country.

Maybe it's the rebellious part of me, that's not content to go with the status quot.

I'm not sure what it is but sometime I want to pull my hair out in frustration at the world I live in.

And yet I do some of the same things I am annoyed by. I fit well into my environment. Looking in from the outside I probably am just like everyone else.

Lord help me, I'm so conflicted. Aren't we supposed to be different???

Somehow, and I do mean somehow, because I am really not sure how it happened... I (or we) are leading every ministry project we are a part of this week.

My Beth Moore bible study, my small group at youth, our Compassion Leadership Team and our adult small group (which our youth pastor usually leads). And I'm having a get together with all the girls from my youth small group, have two big cupcake orders and our adult small group is at our house and I'm cooking dinner for the 20+ people that will be showing up.

When will I learn??? This week really was a fluke though, or lack of me paying attention to the schedule, but either way, I really didn't realize how crazy things would be.

Lesson learned, I don't like leading and being in charge of this many things. It's way too much, and I can't really give what I need to the people or group that needs it most.

It confirmed some big changes to the schedule I was thinking about making for next semester. I swear I keep trying to simplify. It's not easy. At least not for me.

I AM prioritizing. Starting NEXT week.

Some randomness:

There are these two new smells from B&B Works that are heavenly. One, for the house is called Leaves. It is fall encapsulated, but not overwhelming or cloying. I have a candle, soap and it's in all my wallflowers. The other, Twilight Woods is my new favorite scent of all times. I think I'm putting the perfume on my Christmas list, but I absolutely adore the body splash I have right now. They give out great coupons, so the last time I went I got 4 wallflower refills, Chris's cologne (they have a guy line that is great) and my body splash for $35. Pretty good considering the wallflower are normally $25 themselves, and his cologne is $20 and my body splash was $12. Go me.

I really like homemade pizza. The other stuff can't compare. And one of my secret favorite parts is eating it for breakfast the next morning. Homemade cold cheese pizza makes a wonderful breakfast. Don't knock it till ya try it!

I really like my life right now, I have a lot of joy. God has definitely given us a summer season of life right now.

I got a glimpse of what my life could be like this Saturday night and I really liked it. We got to hang out and fellowship with friends and then came home. The kids and I played in the floor by Chris while he went over music for the next morning for playing in worship. The kids were rocking out, and I was enjoying them enjoying the situation, and loving watching my man do his thing.

I'm really struggling deciding what I'm more passionate about, working with youth or leading bible studies. The line that really convicted me from Matt Chandler though was (paraphrasing) how many of you actually put into practice the principles learned in all your Beth Moore bible studies. I want to be a practicer, not just a learner. Trying to figure out how to combine the teaching and the doing. I think I have a pretty good gig, but am looking forward to taking it to the next level.

That's all for my randomness, deeper thoughts coming soon.