Bowing Out

As I said a couple of months ago, I've been wondering for awhile if I should keep up my personal blog. There's this line of wanting to share more, and not being able to...and yet it still seems that some times I share too much.

Between that and the fact that let's be honest- I haven't exactly been making the most frequent of appearances around here, I'm bowing out of my personal blog. I will still keep the family one and my business one going if you want glimpses into our lives, but my rants and raves are for the most part over.

I've had a four year run and it's been nice.

I started blogging when I had no one else to talk and no sounding board. Too often I took my thoughts here instead of to God, and externally processed into a virtual world instead of to Him.

Life is different now.

I'm so grateful to be in a place where I have friends, and a womens group, and a church. To be in a place where I get poured into and further equipped to pour out to others and give back. I feel like for the first time in a long time I'm in the midst of a community of believers acting as the church.

It's been 5 years since I've lived in the same city as some of my closest friends, and about 8 since I was at the same place in life as them. I'm so grateful to have that again. The difference this time is knowing what a gift it is. I'm not taking it for granted and doing my best to be intentional and to give more than I get.

So I'm investing more in that, and more in being a mom, and my budding business. In real life that gives back.

Too often my thoughts on here have been conversations meant to be between just me and the Lord. They needed not have been public, and rarely good came from them being public. My overflow of thought should always be taken to Him. And we're working on that (or should I say He is working on me!)

That said I've had a few of you that cheered me on through many situations and for that I am extremely grateful. You gave me encouragement when it was hard to come by.

So without any further adieu, I bid goodbye to this blog. It's been real.

*Sigh*

Finally a chance to get all (or at least some) of my thoughts out. I really wanted to do it in the moment, or at least sooner to every thing going down, but life did not afford me that.

The evening after I wrote my last post I got a call from my mom telling me my grandma (dad's mom) had gone into the hospital. She's had two bypass surgeries and a couple of heart attacks. She's a tough broad, and I wasn't too concerned, nor were me parents. Or the doctors, because they didn't get her in for an MRI until the next morning. After seeing that they realized she was having an aortic aneurysm and rushed her into surgery. I got a call in the afternoon informing me of all of this and that she still had several hours to go.

While in the middle of leading my small group I got a call from my sister letting me know she was bleeding out in surgery. My grandma's on lots of blood thinners, I knew it wasn't good. While going to pick up my boys my mom called to tell me she hadn't made it. I broke down. It was so sudden and unexpected. I'm so thankful I had friends that immediately started praying over me.

Thankfully we had already been planning on leaving Saturday to go to STL for my cousins wedding. We moved up the departure time, and helped with funeral details.

See my grandma wasn't just my grandma. She was my name sake, my confidant and my friend. We were pretty close. Not to mention, I've never had any one close to me die before so this was uncharted waters for me.

I honestly wasn't completely confident of her salvation. We had talked about faith, but it had never been point blank asked. God was SO good to give me peace in that. At the visitation some of her dear friends from her neighborhood came over to me. They told me they wanted me to know they rushed to the hospital Tuesday night and point blank asked her, she said she was a Christian and that she prayed every night, that she knew Him, and she knew He knew her, then they told me she proceeded to talk about me and how my faith had influenced her. I am so grateful to the Lord for knowing what a peace that would give and making sure I heard those words through the Body of Christ.

In the process of details it unfolded that Chris was playing piano for the service, and he also ended up randomly being the "officiator". I can't remember being more in awe, impressed and in love with my husband on one day as I was then. He completely allowed the Holy Spirit to indwell in him and speak through him. Not only did he honor my grandma and what she was about, but he LAID OUT the gospel in a largely unbelieving room. He even looked my grandpa (agnostic) in the eye as he gave the gospel. I know God is going to use what Chris said. It was so incredible to see him walk in such faith and submission that day.

There was an open mike time where people got up to speak. I said something, but I didn't feel like I was very eloquent, or quite did justice to her. Mainly because I was crying the whole time. Any how, here is what I would have said had I been composed enough:

My grandma always used to tell me I was just like her. No teenager wants to hear she is like someone old so I usually just brushed it off. In the past several years my grandma and I have become very close. Her tenacity and how she handled moving multiple times gave me strength and wisdom as I was going through similar circumstances. She had a way of listening that was so non-judgemental. She would usually have her opinions about what I told her, but she would always let me finish and then would tell me what she thought matter of factly. No more drama after that, she had said her peace and I could do with it what I wanted. I always appreciated her honesty and directness.

As I've grown I've noticed things about her that a younger more self absorbed person doesn't tend to see. She is always giving. Rarely expecting any thing back. Every one who knows my grandma has something she has made for them. Those that really know her have difficulty storing all that she has made or given them. If she hears about a need she drops every thing to help meet it. Whether it be quilts for a cancer center, a weeks worth of food for a neighbor or just helping to pick someone up, she was some one you could always rely on. The way she served others was remarkable.

She was super thrifty as well. My grandma used to be the coupon queen, and always had a coupon for every thing. She di ligently served her family and helped save money in this way. While she had gotten away from doing it as consistently in the past few years there was never a time she sent a package to me that didn't have a diaper coupon in it. Also, instead of throwing out papers, magazines and other publications she though of others even as she read. Dad got the Rush Limbaugh papers after she was done and I got all the cooking magazines. And if she saw an article in the paper she thought you would like she cut it out and sent it to you.

She was also super crafty. One Christmas we got a suitcase full of handmade barbie doll clothes. All self created. She has made hundreds of quilts and afghans, and any thing else she could figure out to sew. She saw no need to buy some thing you could make yourself and because she was the one who made it for you, you loved it even more.

She was also wonderfully organized and planning oriented. You knew what she wanted, when she wanted you to be there and what she wanted you to bring. It made life so simple. The only reason my closets are the least bit organized is due to her affinity for making me clean mine out every time she came to visit. Even in the last few days before her passing her planning was a blessing. She had Chris', mine and both of the boys birthday presents wrapped ready to go with cards on it. Now I can keep and treasure her last gifts and the last words she wrote to me and the boys. As my husband said well in his talk "she always knew what you were going to need before you needed it." She knew an education in organization would lend a life time full of use. She was right. Like she was most of the time.

Just like she was right when she said I was just like her. I so am. And I am so proud to be. Crafty, organized, service oriented, and thrifty. I love to create things, grow things and cook things. I'm also stubborn, strong willed, tenacious and outspoken, just like she was.

Grandma was big about passing things on that meant a lot to her. While I can try to do that with the physical things she left, more importantly I want to do that with her memory. My children will know GG Sue was a big part of who I was, and in turn who they are. They'll know the attributes of her they have in them, and why that's such a blessing.

I'm going to miss my grandma. She was someone safe I could talk to, and share things with I hadn't told others about. She understood me in a way that no one else can. She poured so much wisdom and love into my life. I am a better person because of her, and proud to be just like her.

To say there is a lot going on in life right now may be a bit of an understatement.

I really dislike when I have a lot going on and yet am craving time to just be in the word...or books about His word and spending time with God. I just want to sit, and be for at least an hour... without falling asleep.

Maybe it's because God is doing a lot in our lives right now.

For the first time in five year Chris and I are both plugged into our own individual small groups, a small group with couples, and are serving the body.

We both love it, but at the same time during all that spiritually stagnant time (a.k.a. Connectisuck) there were areas we slacked off in, or strongholds we allowed Satan to form. So along with involvement has come a lot of coming back to where we once were, and working to break through those strongholds.

I feel like my mind is just now beginning to fire on some of the cylinders it used to run on. I used to be filled with lots of deep theological and philosophical ponderings, and while I still have those thoughts they are more simple (because as much as people try to complicate it, I think our faith and the questions it brings up really is rooted in simplicity), or consumed with issues more applicable to my day to day life, like marriage and children.

I think the biggest areas God is helping me gain freedom in is insecurity, and finances. Finances seem like a silly one, so let me explain a bit.

I have swung to both extremes in the view of money. Growing up in a well-to-do high school where Coach purses were low end, and there were rows of BMW and Mercedes in the parking lot, I became very materialistic...and very aware of what money did. After Ukraine, I swung to the other extreme, judging those who drove the BMW's and bought designer purses (especially those within the church). I didn't want to have any money because I saw what it did, I viewed it as evil, not as a gift from God and a tool to glorify Him.

Both extremes unhealthy. Besides, now I'm somewhere in the middle. We don't drive a BMW, but we are by no means poor (no matter how Dave and our budget some times makes us feel). We don't want to live like no one else so we can live like no one else (Dave's motto). We want to live like no one else, so we can help others live. So we're working on honoring God with our finances. And for us that means more than tithing. My attitude towards money was very off and God is helping me work through my issues towards it. And trusting Him with it, and to provide it. This also goes back to a lot of worry issues for me that being a planner I'm prone to.

It's amazing how in working through finance issues, I'm dealing with so many other related issues (insecurity, lack of trust, selfishness, pride...), so I feel like there's a whole slew of struggles I'm just at the tip of.

With insecurity, I feel like I am just at the beginning of what will more than likely be a life long process of fighting for freedom in this area. It's a fickle one to fight through. In the process of working through my issues with it I find myself focusing all too often on me. My hurts, my triggers, my thoughts...and while some of it is helpful, to gain insight on what has made me who I am and the choices I make...it's not okay to stay self focused (my issue with existentialism, but that's another post). We are supposed to be Christ focused, with our thoughts and actions. So after I spend so much time processing through what brought about the result of my current personhood, I must be quick to relate it back to Christ and regain my focus.

Even though looking back gains insight, I need to look up to remind me of why I've dealt with and been formed into what I am. To glorify God.

I've heard people talk about needing salvation just as much now as the day they were first saved. I actually find myself even more dependent on it now. I am more aware now of how completely repulsive my heart is, because Christ has entered my life. Each day He gives me more awareness to the sin that lives within, unclouding my vision, making it more like His.

All that to say...here's hoping for some down time on the 10hour drive to get some extended JC time. It's all up to the kiddos. At least I don't have to drive. And after a 18hour drive up to Philly, and a 15hour drive home, that is something!

I know I have a whole mission trip to post on...but I'm not sure I can do it justice now. Actually, I'm not sure you can ever do those trips justice with words. It's just something you have to experience.


Any how the gist of it is, I feel torn. Torn between missions and ministry and my heart for that and my current call for the season to be a great mom and wife and to invest in my family. It's a hard line to walk and I feel like I'm always leaning to hard to one direction.

I feel like I'm taking too much time way or neglecting my family when I do the level of ministry that I want, and when I throw myself into my family and neglect serving I feel like I've lost a part of myself.

I think this is the tight rope walk of parenthood. We have to give up some of ourselves and desires to be good parents, but we must maintain outside connection and activities to not loose ourselves in our children...who need to learn to be self sufficient and will eventually be gone.

Other than torn...it was a great trip. Different from others (in it's essence and location) but mainly because I had a different role. Instead of being the main participant or helping create the tone of the trip, I went as a leader which ended up being more of a directing role.

I helped plan and communicate the ideas of VBS each day, but other than that the students ran the show. The first day I tried to help set the tone by jumping into conversations with others and working hard, but after that I tried to back off and make sure the students had every opportunity to be the ones communicating and interacting.

I felt like I was there more to serve the students and enable them to have an impactful trip. One that hopefully opened their eyes and gave them the desire to do more.

And I think that was the best part. Getting to see mainly 15 year olds jumping into conversations with intimidating people, listening, praying, helping. Not being afraid to do some hard work and stepping up and taking leadership. Especially my girls. I know their struggles and hang ups, and to get to see them work through those and take huge steps that week was awesome. It was a reminder of the opportunity I have every single week I help lead them to make an impact.

I wish I could write notes to all of their leaders and parents telling them how proud they should be at what their students did that week. I was especially blown away by the guys. I pray that Josh and Jack will be in the same place as some of our students at that age. I got to hear 15 year old guys talking about their parents with respect and admiration and see them step into leadership roles...they were respectful of the girls and of the leaders. So neat to see.

So that's the summation of the trip. God is good.

Wow. It has been quite the last few weeks, filled with a lot of ups and downs.

First off let me tell you how much I love my job. The one I actually make money with, not the one that involves more work! It took five years to discover something that I could do successfully from home and almost six to get where I was being somewhat consistent about how much I brought in.

I dropped a cupcake cake off tonight and the 12 year old who it was for ran out and exclaimed "awesome, that's exactly what I wanted!" Which if you know many 12 year old girls, then you know that's a big deal. Not to mention, I'm kind of self-conscious about the looks of what I make. The area I feel like I nail it out of the park on is taste. So if I won them over with looks...just wait until they taste it!

I feel SO blessed and grateful to be able to stay at home and still help bring in some extra income doing something I love!

Especially since we have started Dave Ramsey's FPU. It's kicking our butts. There are good days, and hard days, but we have made some pretty big changes and set some pretty big goals. We canceled our Dish. And shipped off our DVR. That's a big sacrifice for us. We're trying to honor God with our finances and be smarter and wiser about what we do with them. I wish someone had told us some of this stuff before we got married!

I've also almost finished Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity. That book has taken me through the ringer. It's definitely in my top 3 life changing books! I'm already ready to read it again. Of course any area you try seek freedom in Satan usually tries to attack you in, and in true form he had me pretty bruised last week.

It might have been because the weather where a lot more skin is showing has arrived, or because two of the people that make me feel most insecure called and made some fun comments, or because I was feeling like a failure in a couple of areas....no matter what it was he took advantage of it.

I'm doing better this week, but I've also been saying "she is clothed with strength and dignity" every couple of minutes as well! Of course right before I'm getting ready to leave on a mission trip when I should NOT be focusing on myself and mentally and prayerfully preparing for what's ahead, he messes with me. Jerk.

Every one keeps asking if I'm excited for my trip. The truth is: I haven't even had time to think about it. And when I do I get....you guessed it- insecure. I know it sounds dumb, but it's been 7 years since I've been on a mission trip. That is a long stinking time. Not to mention the last trip didn't exactly end in the smoothest of fashion, and I had about 3 months of emotional recovery that followed it.

I don't have enough scripture memorized, I'm out of touch with apologetics, I don't know how best to minister in an inner city type environment, and I'm supposed to be leading my girls in how to do this?!?! Thank goodness these things aren't about me. In fact I think the top thing I always leave from trips like this feeling is *humbled*. By what I have, by what I've been given, for grace and mercy, and JESUS. Besides, I think going in knowing I'm not prepared and I'm not ready is exactly where I need to be. Because if I feel confident in my abilities, then I will rely on those, and not seek Him in and before all I do on this trip.

I'm ready to transition....to focus on tomorrow, and SUNDAY, and the fact that not 5 hours after the greatest celebratory day of our faith I get to leave to put it into action. We may not get to dye eggs this year, or even have as cool of Easter baskets, heck I may not even where a dress on Sunday...but I do get the opportunity to go tell people that HE ROSE. And if my kids remember nothing else about this Easter, hopefully they'll remember that mommy left to go tell about what Jesus did on Sunday.

Please pray for me. For humility, grace, patience, kindness, wisdom, strength, rest, safe travels, words and compassion. To be able to pour myself out, and leave knowing I gave my all there. No regrets. To lead well and know the time to step in and the time to step back. To love beyond my own capabilities. To show Christ to those who don't know Him.

I've discovered the key to marital bliss and raising children well. But you're not going to like it.

It's selflessness. As in the opposite of being selfish. dictionary.com defines it as: having little or no concern for ones self.

Let's just say in ministry there are lots of conflicts and issues we seem to find ourselves surrounded by or immersed in. And I haven't seen one yet where the issue wasn't someone in the picture was being too selfish. Self focused.

Although let me be clear, while I think selflessness is important I think this means focusing less on ourselves, not loosing ourselves. I think we as moms in particular have a tendency towards this. Finding our identity, and sole purpose in being a mom. That's not good either. While we may be called to be moms and wives that is not our sole purpose, or else God will take us home when our kids reach 18. We as women have the opportunity to impart life to many, not just our husband and kids.

However I think for most of us our tendency is towards being self focused. Nine times out of ten when I am feeling frustrated in my marriage it's because I am being self focused. When I take time to stop focusing on myself and my needs or wants, nine times out of ten my marriage is happier. I know not every one's situation is like this, but I think more often than not it helps. Same with parenting. When I start getting to the point where I just want to lock myself in a room (or literally have to in order to have a conversation), when I step back and try to focus more on my kids needs they magically start behaving better.

It's not easy.

I've heard people say that each stage of life teaches you more about God and Christ, which is why they created institutions like marriage and parenthood. I can totally see that. Especially with kids.

I think a good 60% of parenting is consistent boundaries. For about 4 years I have been telling Josh some of the same things. He still doesn't listen to a lot of them, but there are some he does now like clockwork. I ask him to do something and about 70% of the time he does it. The FIRST time. This never happened two years ago. But we were persistent, and held our lines.

God gives us guidelines too. We ignore them or turn away but He always finds away to put them back in front of us and remind us of them. He holds His line, and eventually (hopefully!) we come around. My struggles from five years ago are not the same as they are now (except for pride, but I think this is the root of most sin and one I will battle until I die). I have grown and matured.

But Boundaries aren't easy. To draw or to hold to. It's not easy to change the game on people by creating new boundaries. It's not easy to enforce them either, particularly on little blond haired boys with adorable blue eyes who have the sweetest smile ever created, but still keep telling you "no". Or telling your husband your sorry for how you treated him and that you were out of line (have I mentioned I have pride issues?!). I've also had to ask forgiveness many a times for stepping over boundaries God created I never thought I would cross. Doing these things involves selflessness.

Not going out all time and leaving your spouse with the kids, not zoning out when your kids are craving interaction, not sitting on the computer for an hour when your spouse has asked to talked to you...not focusing on your self.

Focusing on the bigger picture. God's bigger picture. For you, for your marriage, for your children, grandchildren and generations down the road. We have the opportunity to do things right, to change what has been done before, to create a new standard. But it takes not focusing on ones self. Giving up ones self and focusing on the One who gave us self for His purpose.

Josh had a field trip this morning to a pizza place. They got to make their own pizzas, see how they were made, and then eat a lot of it.

I always enjoy field trips and parties because it gives me the opportunity to interact with the parents. That may make me sound like a big dork. Most of you know I'm pretty social, but it's also one of the few times I get to hang out with non-believers. I like those opportunities.

One lady I was talking to who I've chatted with before was joking around with me (because I was taking so many pictures) and said I was probably a blogger, and a scrapbooker since I am so "with it". The blogger comment threw me (since, hello...) but I quickly corrected her on the scrapbooking. I think making homemade sugar cookies with all the kids names on it for Valentine's Day gave me a bad rap.

I was slightly amused by the comment. Because in my life I feel like I don't seem to have any of it together. I've got a dozen balls juggling and at any point one could drop.

I found it very entertaining that somehow I could be perceived as being "with it".

But how many of us think that of other people? I know I have a few people in my life who always seem calm, collected, organized and "with it". Isn't it funny how we perceive things? I seem "with it" because I take lots of pictures, make cookies and blog. The only reason I made cookies for Josh's class is because I was already making them for cupcakes and it made my life easier. I spent all day making his and 5 dozen other cookies completely neglected my children and had to go out for dinner that night. My pictures make it to Facebook at best and haven't been printed out for anything other than grandparents. And the only reason I blog is to remember what the heck is going on in my life and get the overflow of thoughts out of my head.

I've been reading "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. It's changing my life. I knew I was insecure in some areas, but thought I did a pretty good job of keeping it under control. Until I read her definition of insecurity. Then I realized I was a hot mess who was ready to have a breakdown at any given point. Her definition virtually pegged me to a tee.

I don't have it together. No one does. That's why we have a savior and why we need saving and grace.

I'm tired of creating standards in my head to live up to and making other people my yardstick to measure up to.

Hoping the book tells me how to stop : )

Life is crazy right now. In fact, I shouldn't' even be typing this...however I need to empty my brain a bit.

Business is crazy. Which is good, but an adjustment on our family life. Between that and some other big changes going on there may be some big changes/transitions going on in our lives. Not to mention being a parent to a school aged child is apparently demanding. We're learning.

Speaking of business being busy, this means more people are knowing who I am. Which is okay, except for the fact that I do not want a bunch of strangers reading my personal thoughts. I'm giving even more consideration to making this blog private, or at least where you have to be logged in with your approved (by me) email to access it.

Life seems kind of hard today. Mainly because there are people in my life that I love that it's hard for. While it makes me feel so grateful and blessed for what I have...it also make me feel small and helpless and very aware of Satan's presence in our world.

This is not our home.

Praise the Lord. Life and love seem so very fragile right now.

I also find it interesting how much ministry Chris and I seem to do even though we are not in ministry (career wise, this is a whole rant I could do about how we all should be in ministry despite what our other professions are). Which I love, but sometimes it's rough to do the difficult part of ministry and not get to see as much of the great side of it. Not to mention it takes a lot of time and heart.

Speaking of time. I'm out of it. Sorry for the randomness, but it is the essence of me.

I feel so blessed today.

I've been going through something recently and felt really convicted in our small group last night that I needed to tell someone. So I did, mainly to ask for prayer about an answer I was waiting for.

A sweet friend unexpectedly came over to pray over/for me, and about the answer. Not even five minutes after she left I got a call about the answer, with the outcome we had been praying for. How awesome is that?

I love how quickly and obviously God chooses to at times show Himself. I also am in awe of how at specific moments He shows you just how big and awesome His love is and that it's specific for you and what you are going through.

Last night in small group we worked through Acts 4:23-37. In that passage we went over three important things the disciples did that we should try to replicate in our own live on a consistent basis, but most importantly in times of crisis and difficulty.

The disciples had just been thrown in jail and threatened by the rulers of their province, and upon their release the first thing the did was to gather other believers and pray. And not praying for supplication and protection, but adoring God and acknowledging who He was and asking for His will to be done.

Also through their prayer they acknowledged God's sovereignty. That He was sovereign over their being in jail, and sovereign over their being threatened and sovereign over their release, so they would continue to proclaim His name and sovereignty.

Finally they experienced gospel community. Giving to one another as one had need and no one in their midst was needy. I imagine "needy" doesn't just mean financially, but emotionally as well. And it wasn't without sacrifice this happened. People had to give of themselves and their possessions to make it happen.

So with those three points the question was asked: in what area do you most struggle with? Immediately going to God in prayer, acknowledging His sovereignty over the situation, or being willing to give of yourself and your resources for the sake of gospel community?

I think there are several facets of each that you could struggle with but I think my top two are prayer and sovereignty. I'm an external processor, so when something happens my immediate response is to call Chris, or a friend, or blog about it while only mentioning it to God briefly or in passing. I want my first reaction to be to go to Him and have those long deep externally processing conversations and then to go to His word and allow Him to guide me to His wisdom and answers.

Also, I think when difficulty arises all too often my first response is "why me"? Matt Chandler has inspired me so much in that area and given me a picture of what real life faith looks like. I want my immediate response to be "why not me"? and to be that of acknowledging God's sovereignty in the situation and understanding His glory will be achieved through it or He wouldn't have allowed it to happen. I want to "suffer well".

So much to work on. So thankful I have a savior that is with me every step of the way, occasionally reminding me of His very steady presence by my side.

I love it when God takes over the shuffle application on my iPod. He always makes the best mixes.

On a music related note here are some songs that mess me up:



This one is my life anthem. I could begin and end with this song every single day. The lyrics are perfection and what I hope my heart will be like in the good times and bad. During difficult times I "have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" and during the good "the seed I've received I would sow".

There isn't a link to it because I don't think it's been released by a record label but you can find it on her MySpace page. Christy Nockels song called "Elliana". It's all about her daughter, and it makes me cry every time I hear it. The chorus: "to mother a daughter to look you in the eye, to know that I did everything to walk with you in life, to give you to Jesus that He would impart the wisdom that I'm longing for to mother your heart, Elliana...God has answered my prayers" is my heart as a mom and the longing that I feel in wanting a daughter.




Faith My Eyes by Caedmon's Call/Derek Webb

This song has been with me through some serious change, and about 4 serious moves so it holds a special place in my heart. "I get turned around, I mistake my happiness for blessing, and I'm blessed as the poor, but still I judge success by how I'm dressing, so keep on coming these lines on the road, keep me responsible, be it a light or heavy load, keep me guessing these blessings in disguise and I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes."

Those are few song on mylife long playlist. What are yours?

I need to listen to this every day.

Matt Chandler is a rock star, and I love him for being so bold in his preaching. Christ has used him to speak to longings in my heart that I couldn't verbalize until after listening to Chandler. There isn't one time I have listened to one of his messages and haven't been deeply impacted or convicted. I love that he can speak such wisdom to me, someone who knows the big theology words and theories, and yet every one of his messages proclaims the gospel for those who don't know Christ. A perfect bridge between speaking to the "lost" and teaching the believers. And I want to be his wife's BFF.

I love his thoughts on the issue of marriage and what being a Godly woman looks like.

I hope I meet the majority of the qualifications, and felt very blessed that my husband is someone who lives out most of what he believes are important qualifications of a Godly husband.

This will be one of the best 45 minutes you could spend.

And a sinus infection to top it all off. For the love of Pete.

Despite half of the family recovering from an infection of some sort, this afternoon has been relatively pleasant. I say afternoon and not day because this morning was filled with waiting at the doctors office. And if anyone has ever been to the doctors with two cooped up boys than you know why I left it to this afternoon.

The boys and I made crafty Valentine's Cards together and built a fort. Josh spent more craft time while Jack was sleeping and enjoyed the rare treat of getting to use markers.

I was reading this blog, my new favorite and was convicted about how uptight I am. I grew up in a house that was messy all the time, and I'm not sure if it was that or the aforementioned planning oriented, firstborn, Type A with minor OCD tendencies that's in me or the fact that the hubs is even more of a neat freak than I am that doesn't like messes.

And seriously, it's not like I don't already have my fair share of messes with two boys running around, so why add to the problem right? Wrong. Her blog inspires me. I want to be willing to do crazy things like let my kids splash and swim in mud puddles and take pictures of it. I want to let my boys stand in the window and jump off of their bed into a pile of pillows and blankets (which were probably clean and folded).

I'm still getting used to this whole boy thing. It's not easy to handle when you had no idea what you were in for. I grew up with a sister, and didn't play with boys that much. I don't get why everything is turned into a gun and why they want to blow things up. I don't get the fascination with matchbox cars and the joys they bring. I don't understand why they have to test everything (i.e. push the tip of a toy airplane repeatedly into the couch cushions to see if it will tear or drop something glass to see if it will break, use a sharpie on the couch to make sure it works... I think you get the idea).

I don't understand. But I'm trying. And while I may not understand it all at this moment, I need to be more free about letting them do their thing, because they seem to understand just fine what it is they are supposed to be about. Fighting, protecting, exploring, rescuing, GOING.

So I'm going to try to let loose more. I think Mondays will be my designated day for that. It's usually our rest day and the only day Josh isn't at school. I'm going to try to come up with something each week that let's them unabashedly be boys. And try to not worry about the consequences on my house.

Random side note: To be honest, I'm not sure why (or if) people read my blog. I know there's a random few, but it's because they love me. I don't write for people to read. I write because I'm an external processor. I've got a lot in my head and it makes my life easier if I can get it out. It also gives me reminder and a sort of accountability if it's in print. More importantly, I could never hand write all this out and it's a sort of journal that happens to be public.

I say that so you know where I'm coming from, and because if I thought there were people reading it on a regular basis it would cause me to start editing. I already do some self editing, but I don't want to get too extreme in it or else I wouldn't be able to share what I need to in order to alleviate my brain from too many thoughts nor would it be an effective journal.

The reason I have chosen to make the blog public instead of private is for a (very) few people who know me well enough to not judge me on these words alone and who live hundreds of miles away. It's a way for them to have deep intentional relationships with me without the long emails or phone calls mommyhood can't always afford. And because I know there a few of you that do read that have been able to find some sort of solace in some of my struggles and ponderings. I know there are a few blogs that I have immensely benefited from and have often given me the words I could not find. Although I am doubtful of my capability to do that for others, I know that has occasionally happened. So for those reasons (for now) I leave it public.

Just thought I would give you all my perspective this side of the computer screen.

So one of the many ways my body has chosen to fail me recently is that I apparently have hypothyroidism. On one hand, this really stinks because it means I essentially will have to be on medicine the rest of my life. On the other hand it gives answers to long kept suspicions that something was majorly off with my body. As well as the extra 30 pounds I've been rocking for the last 5 years.

My doctor of course handed me a prescription without thinking twice.

After a lot of thought and consultation once again I am bucking modern medicine and going to try to rely on the things that God created.

I would really like to know why naturally occurring things are WAY more expensive than the artificial drugs. Fake drugs cost: $14, natural treatment: $70. Seriously?

So that's my life right now.

A final thought on Genesis and then I'm hopping over to Matthew.

The last several chapters of Genesis focus on the story of Joseph. I think most of you are generally familiar with the story so I will spare you the details and get to the point that left me in awe. Joseph's brothers almost killed him, left him in a ditch, and then sold him into a slavery that resulted in several years spent in jail. His brothers pretty much put him through hell. Yet when they come to see him in Egypt year later instead of him having them killed, or put into slavery or thrown into jail he weeps at the site of them.

When they return again he weeps over them and expresses how grateful he is to have relationship with them and lavishes them with gifts. Um, did I miss something?

As someone that had an...interesting family life I find this story fascinating and convicting. It also took on a whole new meaning at our training this weekend with CLT on reconciliation. MLK's view of a society where everyone lived in peace (not conflict free but capable of dealing with the conflict in a peaceable way) seemed pretty unrealistic to me. As did Joseph's story. I kept thinking maybe God left out a detail or two or Moses fell asleep during his writing.

I've always thought God capable of forgiveness towards anyone and am in awe of that attribute of His. But I've never considered myself capable of forgiving anyone and everyone and showing all the kind of grace and mercy Christ has me. Which is odd considering His Spirit lives inside of me. Are ya seeing the breakdown?

The only way we can have reconciliation with Christ and with others is through His love and work in our hearts. God had been working on Joseph's heart for well over a decade (probably more like two) by the time he saw his brothers again, only he could have brought about the transformation from a snotty and prideful teenage boy to a mature forgiving leader of a nation who wept over the brothers that tried to rob him of life.

With MLK's movement the kind of society he hoped for was completely unrealistic- without Christ. The only way we can have a peaceful society, church or movement is with Christ's love ruling in our hearts and mimicking the reconciliation He provided for us in our own hearts and relationships with others.

Joseph's story is just such a shocking real life picture of grace and mercy. In the NT we see so many great personifications of it through Christ and his work, but for some reason the story of Joseph put it into real human life for me. It made me realize that with Christ in my heart, and if I let him do his full work I too (through Him) am capable of that sort of forgiveness. Leaves me convicted and motivated.

I've been in Matthew for a little bit and already have some stuff I'm hoping to jot down before I forget. One of the things that will help my thyroid is supposedly de-stressing which I am applying as not doing so much. Thus the excess number of blogs this week (and more to come). And a full head. Things to look forward to, eh?

Today is a day for mourning some things and moving the heck on.

Through some conversations with my wonderfully insightful husband and an unexpected (but delightful) email and a great blog post by a friend I'm feeling aware and convicted.

Aware about some of my flaws. I have a very high standard that I hold myself to. Most would call it an impractical list, but it's in my head never the less. I work on it, towards it, and if I don't feel like I'm achieving it I view myself as a failure. The problem in this lies more in the fact that since I hold myself to such a strict standard, I assume that others do the same. But since not everyone is a planning oriented firstborn, Type A with minor OCD tendencies that is foolish. The issue complicates itself when I put my high standards and convictions on other people and not only judge or criticize them for it but in my critical nature forget the work of the spirit: progressive sanctification in the lives of those around me.

This awareness has led me to feeling convicted about my critical nature, as well as how self-focused I have been the last couple of days (weeks).

Forgive me as I work on my whining and getting over myself and my issues.

The rub of it is, I have a really good excuse to be a little self focused, and I have been dealing with something pretty dang big. But that still doesn't make it okay. Me being self focused is only going to leave me more dissatisfied where focusing on Christ even in the midst of the pain will leave me feeling joyfully unworthy and humbled: smack dab where my attitude needs to be.

So thanks friend for the attitude check and helping me (uknowingly) realize I was focusing more on me and my perspective than Christ and how He is working and what may be going on in others lives. And for the much needed encouragement. And for going out of your way to lift me up.

Thanks hubs for lovingly correcting me when my gift to see the big picture and it's potential has turned to a critical spirit about how it's not there yet.

And thanks Annie for your writing that puts into words what I am not able to. You help challenge me and I think you are a brilliant writer.


CLT did a training this weekend which I am hoping to further expand on, but we focused on reconciliation and the work of MLK. We took a trip to the MLK center downtown and paralleled Christ's work of reconciliation to what King was about in his movement.

It was fascinating and I learned so much (as well as how much I DID NOT learn in my education about the movement). I was amazed at how intentional MLK was about painfully and deliberately working toward a peaceful reconciliation. The intention and conviction that went into every march or sit in and how focused they were on peace left me in awe.

I'm still trying to process and put into words how this is affecting me, but I think it has left me feeling a bit of a purpose. Some people are called to stand in the gap, and by nature there aren't many people in the middle of the gap, they usually stand on one side (extreme) or the other. Being in the gap means not always having people around you that "get" you. I think I am called to stand in the gap. For whatever reason I'm not called to go at this point, I'm called to suburbia. I think I may be here to stand in the gap for those that can't be and raise awareness about those that need help to go and the need to just go.

Being in that position and having those opportunities isn't always the easiest thing and usually means some form of conflict against the existing ideas and priorities. So in my attempts to open eyes I need to keep MLK's methods in mind. One peaceable, calm, focused foot in front of the other.

Hopefully that makes some sort of sense.

Continuing my positive outlook on life (sarcasm)....

It's been a rough week. I feel like it has been a week of tragedy and loss on multiple levels.

Just when I feel like I have a direction and peace on something it seems to get flipped upside down, or not work out for some reason.

So I feel like a bit of a vagabond right now with no direction and not really feeling "home" in any one spot.

I love how even in these times of disconnect on some levels God seems to pour in and rejuvenate on so many others. Here are some things that He has been using to encourage me:

"God does not demand that you and i have blind faith,
but abandoned faith, a faith that trusts Him fully.
Through His Word, God willingly reveals much about who He is, what His plans are,
and what He requires of us.
As we come to see Him and know Him he urges, "Trust Me."
Hundreds of times in the Bible God implores us to trust Him.
We tend to make trust a gray area, but with God the issue is black and white.
We either trust Him or we don't.
We're for Him or we're against Him.
We're in the game or we're on the sidelines.
As i think about true faith, heartfelt throw-yourself-in-with-complete-abandon faith,
two things come to mind:
*faith is rooted in God's character.
*faith is based on God's Word, not on our feelings."

This quote is by Linda Dillow from her book Calm my Anxious Heart and I found it on this blog my friend Kristin turned me on to.

The pastor I'm always talking about- Matt Chandler, has started doing weekly video updates on his blog about his progress fighting the cancer and where he's at. This weeks video really ministered to me and was a sweet reminder of God's goodness in all things, even the things it doesn't seem like there could be any good in, He is able to bring good through it and is working towards that in all things.

My heart is still very much with what is going on in Haiti as well which may be part of my somber nature currently. One of our dear friends is actually in Haiti right now and her husband sent us this update:

"I received a brief e-mail from Rachel last night. The situation is still very dire. Rachel said they walked into a tent and there were sick and wounded everywhere. She worked on a 3 year old yesterday that probably did not survive the night without a miracle. Please be praying for God's mercy for the people of Haiti and grace for the team. They are already experiencing an incredible amount of stress. Pray that God would work miracles and that he would be glorified through the team. Also, pray that they will be able to get sleep. They only got a few hours the night before and I can't imagine sleeping each night after experiencing some of these things."

Please continue to keep her and the people of Haiti and the other relief workers in your prayers. God is still moving mightily and I have a feeling we are just at the start of his grand production there.

I'm not gonna lie I feel a little defeated right now.

If we were playing a game of "which of these do not belong" I would be the answer.

So I'm not sure what it is about what has been going on in Haiti, maybe it's the horror of it all, the knowledge that is just as easily could have been me, the passion in my heart for people or my fascination with world events, whatever it is it's been on my mind. And I want to do something, more than just text "Haiti" to 90999 and contribute my $10 to the Red Cross, or donate to a friend who's getting ready to leave for Haiti. I wanted to help raise awareness, inspire others to want to help to DO SOMETHING.

It just so happens I do have a slight platform of about 400 kids and 40 volunteers that show up to our youth group every week. So I thought we could do a display with quotes from missionaries blogs and give recommendations on ways they could help. Plus I thought it would be good for there to be a visual. I looked around for picture slide shows and didn't come up with much, plus the more I got to thinking about it I wanted to do something impactful. So I busted out an old hobby and made a video about what is going on.

I put a lot of work into everything, and spent lots of tears weeping over the material as I sifted through it to try to tell a story. I edited the pictures in the video back, what is pictured doesn't even come close to the most horrific ones. There was one picture of a mass grave with hundreds of bodies in it, most of the naked. I don't think I will ever get that picture out of my mind.

I'm not talking about the work I put in as a means to brag, I don't mind hard work, especially if it's for the glory of God. I typically won't think twice of it. The reason I mention it is because I was a little surprised when all 400+ people filed in the doors I maybe had 10 stop and look at everything, and that number includes some of my own girls. And leaders (that one really surprised me) who all know me.

Sometimes I'm painfully aware of how different I am.

I have a deep intense passion for people, to help them, serve them, to cultivate deep meaningful relationships like what the first church had. I know I feel things regarding those issues a little deeper than most. For now I think I've pacified myself with focusing on helping raise others awareness on those issues, particularly my girls and the CLT (compassion leadership team). My hope is that while I cannot be serving in other areas at this time like I'd like to be, I can inspire and encourage others to do so and be prepared for it when they do.

Sometimes I feel like I'm succeeding, sometimes I don't. Last night I felt like I didn't.

I want so much to be in the thick of it. Not just in Haiti but in so many other countries that are dealing with so much, or countries that just need the joy of Jesus brought into them. It's really hard to sit still and be responsible sometimes. Because being responsible with two kiddos means not hopping the next flight out of here (mainly because of financial reasons and child care, not because I believe it's irresponsible to go on mission trips). I keep trying to talk Chris into heading back over to Ukraine. I mean we already live away from family, plus we still have friends over there, why not?

Like I said, I know I'm not normal as far as my passions for people, but it really bothers me when so many seem to not care about so many. Sometimes I'm painfully aware of the downward suction that the suburbs has on peoples hearts. It forms bubbles, comfy cozy bubbles. Where you can have what you want and aren't exposed to people and things that make you uncomfortable. I feel as though my attempts at opening up those bubbles just a little bit failed, which makes me feel like I failed. I don't get to DO so I want to help and I don't feel like I was successful at that.

I feel exposed and out of place. I miss the sweet fellowship with my dear friends that don't think I am crazy and have the same passions. Who want to do something as well and inspire me to do more. Why are there so few of them?

Here's the video for those of you who are interested, maybe I can still make a difference through the beauty of the internet : )

A friend of mine asked my thoughts on the whole Pat Robertson issue. I didn't think I was going to weigh in on the subject but after typing out a long email I thought I might as well throw it up here for all 3 of you that read this : )

So here were my two cents (if that!) worth:

Here are my thoughts, since you asked.

We (our generation) who was raised in a predominately legalistic "work your way to heaven" point of view wants to be all about God's love and grace and mercy, since that was so severely lacking to us growing up. However, often times people want to put God's attributes of righteousness and judgement on the back burner, and well, you can't roll like that. Not and be biblically justified any how.

So when any one in our modern day Christian culture, no matter who he or she is, wants to start talking about judgement and wrath, people (christian and non) usually shut it down pretty quickly. I think deep down because we know we are just as deserving of the judgement and wrath.

I did find it interesting the people who decided to speak out about the issue and how they chose to do so. I was amazed and confused at the amount of people that thought it best to respond in an attacking matter. Doesn't that just put you on his (presumed) level? While a few others chose to handle it in a more mature manner simply stating a different point of view.

The bible talks about wrath and judgement on a repeated basis. Israel was several times over virtually wiped out by the wrath of God. Nearly all of the prophets either foretold or told the Israelites (or another nation) of their impending judgement for their actions. That's not mentioning the multiple nations who were completely wiped out at the hand of God or specific cities (like Sodom and Gomorrah) that were.

I think to say that the possibility of God choosing to act in such a way is ignorant and blasphemous against the character of God.

On the other hand, I'm not sure Pat Robertson is a prophet. In fact I think he primarily preaches the prosperity gospel which is something I strongly disagree with and think flies in the face of the gospel Christ died for. I also think how he chose to deliver his message was very poor. Even if he first addressed the pain and hurt in the nation and prayed for them before he decided to speak the rest it would have been taken very differently. Also whenever prophets either told or foretold impending wrath to a nation there was always a call to repentance. There was none of that from Pat, so it really just felt like a vindictive "I told you so".

All of us individually and corporately (being America) have done horrible things justifying such wrath. I have no idea why God hasn't rained fire on our nation yet. We could talk about what we did to the slaves, or to women, or to the Japanese (we had our own work camps). There has been countless acts of horror done in this nation just as deserving of a fate like Haiti's. If we aren't supposed to compare ourselves and our sin individually why is it okay to do so corporately? Sin is sin (generally speaking there are two exceptions but they aren't relevant regarding this topic) and we are all sinful nations just as deserving of their fate.

Which is why I think we should be on our knees for them in prayer sending every ounce of help that we can. It could just as easily have been us. And I think that Christ would have been up to his elbows in blood and tragedy trying to help those around him .

In summary I guess I would say that while I can understand his point of view and their may be some truth to what he said, I think how he chose to handle the situation and spoke about the scenario wasn't well thought out or done so in a way that glorified God. How often do I make the same mistake?

However we have the opportunity in this situation to help make a difference.

Part of my point in choosing to post this was to get people thinking about the way that Christ would have decided to act in the circumstances. I would hope those thoughts spur action to help, if so here are some options:

Text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross relief efforts in Haiti

Compassion

Samaritan's Purse

Doctor's Without Border's

spendyourself

Please ignore my last post. I'm a selfish retched sinner who needs more of Christ.

I have been given much and need to work on my attitude of thankfulness.

What a gift that I get to pour out of myself on a daily basis for the better of those around me.

Wishing I could pour myself out here.

I've been feeling very restless recently.

I've been living in ATL for about a year and a half. It's been about eight years since I've been in a place that long without knowing we were leaving in the future.

Right now there is nothing on the forefront on us leaving, unless it's a situation we choose to create.

And it has me antsy. Not just antsy, but searching for purpose. Clearly we are here for a reason. I just have no idea what the heck that reason is.

I don't like wandering aimlessly without a purpose. I like plans. And while I have given up making definitive plans because God has thwarted my planning efforts and attempts at control, I like being focused and concentrated. It would be easy to generally say that my focus and concentration is His glory, but that's not enough. Because it's easy to say. And not do. I want to be doing something for His glory.

I feel as though we are in the midst of a suburban bubble that would be so easy to get sucked into and become complacent in. I. don't. want. that. I don't want complacency, or a bubble. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want suburbia. Especially with what's going on in Haiti right now. I would love to just pack up and go help. But I can't.

And to be completely honest... I'm getting kind of tired of being selfless. I know I should continue to serve my children in cleaning up their messes, the house, them, doing their laundry and keeping them entertained. To be a good mom requires virtually complete selflessness, no matter what Oprah says, we shouldn't be putting ourselves first. To put what you want to get done and do aside and take care of your kids and the house and your husband. And I'm tired of it. Not tired like I want to quite, but tired like I need a break. But I don't have friends here that want to randomly get out (or at least not with me), and babysitters are expensive. I need to be refreshed.

I'm serving at home and at church, and yet I feel like I'm not doing anything. I so wish I could be satisfied with the things that I am doing and the differences my logical side tells me I'm making. I wish I could shut my selfish sinful nature up and continue to give of myself without thinking. I wish there was something on the forefront to be looking towards, working towards, and not feel like I'm getting sucked into the vacant void of complacency.

I wish I could be satisfied in what He has given.

The worst part is feeling annoyed and frustrated at myself for even thinking and feeling this way. Wishing I had more faith in His control and direction, more confidence in His ability to turn nothing into something, more rest that in this process He is helping me to become more like Him. I wish I had MORE of HIM in ME.

Back to my Genesis findings:

One of the things I was impacted by was the fact that God reminded Abraham of his promise at least 4 times through out his life. This came as a great comfort to me right now as I am feeling lost in my "calling". I'm trusting that God will be faithful to remind my of what He has called me to do.

I was also impressed by the pull and strength of generational sin (Genesis 26). I've heard lots of people talk about Abraham's discretion in twice portraying Sarai as his sister and not his wife, but seldom do you hear it talked about that Isaac did the exact same thing. I think this is a reminder of how strong our impression is on the generation we lead. Isaac wasn't even alive when his father committed these sins and yet he must have seen something in his father that lent him to repeating his mistakes. Makes me a bit fearful of my current actions. Thank the Lord for grace. For me and my children!

Finally I really enjoy reading about Jacob's love for Rachel (Genesis 29). I love finding romance in unexpected places. Like Genesis 8. Not only did he show off when he first met her by rolling a large stone out of the way and watering her flock (serving her!) but then he kissed her (scandal!) and "lifted his voice and wept". He also then went on to work (HARD) for her hand in marriage for 14 years. What girl wouldn't be flattered by that?

Those are my thoughts. Hopefully I get to do a real post soon!

So I've been in the Word more recently, and more intentional about how I read, taking my time, mulling things over. It's been great. So fun how God gives you little insights.

I thought I would jot down some of those, more than anything so that I can remember them. I started in Genesis and am planning on reading through in the historical order (historically happened, not written). That will get a little tricky when I get to Paul's books, but I think historical importance isn't quite as big a deal there.

Genesis 1:2 (NAS) "And the earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving..."

I just love how even at the beginning God is constantly moving and turning nothing into something. How many times have I felt like or been in a situation that felt formless, void and full of darkness. But the Spirit of God was moving!!! How well I would do to remember that more often!

Genesis 1: 29-30 "...I have given you every plant yielding seed....it shall be food for you...I have given every green plant for food."

Interesting he never mentions the animals as being provided for food. One could assume that in the beginning we were vegetarians.

Genesis 9:3- "Every moving thing that is alive shall be food for you; I give all to you, as I gave the green plant."

This is after the flood, just an interesting follow up to the prior verse. He also proceeds in the following verse to establish His covenant to not flood the earth again, but every time he addresses humans and follows it up by also directing His covenant to the beasts. Just reminder and conviction for me that they are God's creation as well and He cared enough about them to save them along with us during the flood, and to establish His covenant not just with us, but with them, so I would do well to do everything in my power to respect His creatures. For me this makes me want to prioritize buying grass fed beef, free range chicken and eggs, and be more "green".

Genesis 9:20-23- "Then Noah began farming and planted a vineyard. And he drank of the wine and became drunk, and uncovered himself inside his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father and told his two brothers outside. But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it upon both their shoulders and walked backward and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were turned away so that they did not see their father's nakedness."

It struck me how often we repeat Ham's actions with our words. How often do we repeat some one's wrong doing or slip up to others instead of going to that person and trying to help "cover" their folly. I know I am guilty of that. The passage goes on to deal out a punishment onto Ham's son Canaan which reminds me how strong generational sin and it's pull is and how difficult it is to break free from. I think it's something we must consistently be checking ourselves for remnants of.

Those are my bits for now. I'm looking forward to getting more this afternoon!