So one of the many ways my body has chosen to fail me recently is that I apparently have hypothyroidism. On one hand, this really stinks because it means I essentially will have to be on medicine the rest of my life. On the other hand it gives answers to long kept suspicions that something was majorly off with my body. As well as the extra 30 pounds I've been rocking for the last 5 years.

My doctor of course handed me a prescription without thinking twice.

After a lot of thought and consultation once again I am bucking modern medicine and going to try to rely on the things that God created.

I would really like to know why naturally occurring things are WAY more expensive than the artificial drugs. Fake drugs cost: $14, natural treatment: $70. Seriously?

So that's my life right now.

A final thought on Genesis and then I'm hopping over to Matthew.

The last several chapters of Genesis focus on the story of Joseph. I think most of you are generally familiar with the story so I will spare you the details and get to the point that left me in awe. Joseph's brothers almost killed him, left him in a ditch, and then sold him into a slavery that resulted in several years spent in jail. His brothers pretty much put him through hell. Yet when they come to see him in Egypt year later instead of him having them killed, or put into slavery or thrown into jail he weeps at the site of them.

When they return again he weeps over them and expresses how grateful he is to have relationship with them and lavishes them with gifts. Um, did I miss something?

As someone that had an...interesting family life I find this story fascinating and convicting. It also took on a whole new meaning at our training this weekend with CLT on reconciliation. MLK's view of a society where everyone lived in peace (not conflict free but capable of dealing with the conflict in a peaceable way) seemed pretty unrealistic to me. As did Joseph's story. I kept thinking maybe God left out a detail or two or Moses fell asleep during his writing.

I've always thought God capable of forgiveness towards anyone and am in awe of that attribute of His. But I've never considered myself capable of forgiving anyone and everyone and showing all the kind of grace and mercy Christ has me. Which is odd considering His Spirit lives inside of me. Are ya seeing the breakdown?

The only way we can have reconciliation with Christ and with others is through His love and work in our hearts. God had been working on Joseph's heart for well over a decade (probably more like two) by the time he saw his brothers again, only he could have brought about the transformation from a snotty and prideful teenage boy to a mature forgiving leader of a nation who wept over the brothers that tried to rob him of life.

With MLK's movement the kind of society he hoped for was completely unrealistic- without Christ. The only way we can have a peaceful society, church or movement is with Christ's love ruling in our hearts and mimicking the reconciliation He provided for us in our own hearts and relationships with others.

Joseph's story is just such a shocking real life picture of grace and mercy. In the NT we see so many great personifications of it through Christ and his work, but for some reason the story of Joseph put it into real human life for me. It made me realize that with Christ in my heart, and if I let him do his full work I too (through Him) am capable of that sort of forgiveness. Leaves me convicted and motivated.

I've been in Matthew for a little bit and already have some stuff I'm hoping to jot down before I forget. One of the things that will help my thyroid is supposedly de-stressing which I am applying as not doing so much. Thus the excess number of blogs this week (and more to come). And a full head. Things to look forward to, eh?

Today is a day for mourning some things and moving the heck on.

Through some conversations with my wonderfully insightful husband and an unexpected (but delightful) email and a great blog post by a friend I'm feeling aware and convicted.

Aware about some of my flaws. I have a very high standard that I hold myself to. Most would call it an impractical list, but it's in my head never the less. I work on it, towards it, and if I don't feel like I'm achieving it I view myself as a failure. The problem in this lies more in the fact that since I hold myself to such a strict standard, I assume that others do the same. But since not everyone is a planning oriented firstborn, Type A with minor OCD tendencies that is foolish. The issue complicates itself when I put my high standards and convictions on other people and not only judge or criticize them for it but in my critical nature forget the work of the spirit: progressive sanctification in the lives of those around me.

This awareness has led me to feeling convicted about my critical nature, as well as how self-focused I have been the last couple of days (weeks).

Forgive me as I work on my whining and getting over myself and my issues.

The rub of it is, I have a really good excuse to be a little self focused, and I have been dealing with something pretty dang big. But that still doesn't make it okay. Me being self focused is only going to leave me more dissatisfied where focusing on Christ even in the midst of the pain will leave me feeling joyfully unworthy and humbled: smack dab where my attitude needs to be.

So thanks friend for the attitude check and helping me (uknowingly) realize I was focusing more on me and my perspective than Christ and how He is working and what may be going on in others lives. And for the much needed encouragement. And for going out of your way to lift me up.

Thanks hubs for lovingly correcting me when my gift to see the big picture and it's potential has turned to a critical spirit about how it's not there yet.

And thanks Annie for your writing that puts into words what I am not able to. You help challenge me and I think you are a brilliant writer.


CLT did a training this weekend which I am hoping to further expand on, but we focused on reconciliation and the work of MLK. We took a trip to the MLK center downtown and paralleled Christ's work of reconciliation to what King was about in his movement.

It was fascinating and I learned so much (as well as how much I DID NOT learn in my education about the movement). I was amazed at how intentional MLK was about painfully and deliberately working toward a peaceful reconciliation. The intention and conviction that went into every march or sit in and how focused they were on peace left me in awe.

I'm still trying to process and put into words how this is affecting me, but I think it has left me feeling a bit of a purpose. Some people are called to stand in the gap, and by nature there aren't many people in the middle of the gap, they usually stand on one side (extreme) or the other. Being in the gap means not always having people around you that "get" you. I think I am called to stand in the gap. For whatever reason I'm not called to go at this point, I'm called to suburbia. I think I may be here to stand in the gap for those that can't be and raise awareness about those that need help to go and the need to just go.

Being in that position and having those opportunities isn't always the easiest thing and usually means some form of conflict against the existing ideas and priorities. So in my attempts to open eyes I need to keep MLK's methods in mind. One peaceable, calm, focused foot in front of the other.

Hopefully that makes some sort of sense.

Continuing my positive outlook on life (sarcasm)....

It's been a rough week. I feel like it has been a week of tragedy and loss on multiple levels.

Just when I feel like I have a direction and peace on something it seems to get flipped upside down, or not work out for some reason.

So I feel like a bit of a vagabond right now with no direction and not really feeling "home" in any one spot.

I love how even in these times of disconnect on some levels God seems to pour in and rejuvenate on so many others. Here are some things that He has been using to encourage me:

"God does not demand that you and i have blind faith,
but abandoned faith, a faith that trusts Him fully.
Through His Word, God willingly reveals much about who He is, what His plans are,
and what He requires of us.
As we come to see Him and know Him he urges, "Trust Me."
Hundreds of times in the Bible God implores us to trust Him.
We tend to make trust a gray area, but with God the issue is black and white.
We either trust Him or we don't.
We're for Him or we're against Him.
We're in the game or we're on the sidelines.
As i think about true faith, heartfelt throw-yourself-in-with-complete-abandon faith,
two things come to mind:
*faith is rooted in God's character.
*faith is based on God's Word, not on our feelings."

This quote is by Linda Dillow from her book Calm my Anxious Heart and I found it on this blog my friend Kristin turned me on to.

The pastor I'm always talking about- Matt Chandler, has started doing weekly video updates on his blog about his progress fighting the cancer and where he's at. This weeks video really ministered to me and was a sweet reminder of God's goodness in all things, even the things it doesn't seem like there could be any good in, He is able to bring good through it and is working towards that in all things.

My heart is still very much with what is going on in Haiti as well which may be part of my somber nature currently. One of our dear friends is actually in Haiti right now and her husband sent us this update:

"I received a brief e-mail from Rachel last night. The situation is still very dire. Rachel said they walked into a tent and there were sick and wounded everywhere. She worked on a 3 year old yesterday that probably did not survive the night without a miracle. Please be praying for God's mercy for the people of Haiti and grace for the team. They are already experiencing an incredible amount of stress. Pray that God would work miracles and that he would be glorified through the team. Also, pray that they will be able to get sleep. They only got a few hours the night before and I can't imagine sleeping each night after experiencing some of these things."

Please continue to keep her and the people of Haiti and the other relief workers in your prayers. God is still moving mightily and I have a feeling we are just at the start of his grand production there.

I'm not gonna lie I feel a little defeated right now.

If we were playing a game of "which of these do not belong" I would be the answer.

So I'm not sure what it is about what has been going on in Haiti, maybe it's the horror of it all, the knowledge that is just as easily could have been me, the passion in my heart for people or my fascination with world events, whatever it is it's been on my mind. And I want to do something, more than just text "Haiti" to 90999 and contribute my $10 to the Red Cross, or donate to a friend who's getting ready to leave for Haiti. I wanted to help raise awareness, inspire others to want to help to DO SOMETHING.

It just so happens I do have a slight platform of about 400 kids and 40 volunteers that show up to our youth group every week. So I thought we could do a display with quotes from missionaries blogs and give recommendations on ways they could help. Plus I thought it would be good for there to be a visual. I looked around for picture slide shows and didn't come up with much, plus the more I got to thinking about it I wanted to do something impactful. So I busted out an old hobby and made a video about what is going on.

I put a lot of work into everything, and spent lots of tears weeping over the material as I sifted through it to try to tell a story. I edited the pictures in the video back, what is pictured doesn't even come close to the most horrific ones. There was one picture of a mass grave with hundreds of bodies in it, most of the naked. I don't think I will ever get that picture out of my mind.

I'm not talking about the work I put in as a means to brag, I don't mind hard work, especially if it's for the glory of God. I typically won't think twice of it. The reason I mention it is because I was a little surprised when all 400+ people filed in the doors I maybe had 10 stop and look at everything, and that number includes some of my own girls. And leaders (that one really surprised me) who all know me.

Sometimes I'm painfully aware of how different I am.

I have a deep intense passion for people, to help them, serve them, to cultivate deep meaningful relationships like what the first church had. I know I feel things regarding those issues a little deeper than most. For now I think I've pacified myself with focusing on helping raise others awareness on those issues, particularly my girls and the CLT (compassion leadership team). My hope is that while I cannot be serving in other areas at this time like I'd like to be, I can inspire and encourage others to do so and be prepared for it when they do.

Sometimes I feel like I'm succeeding, sometimes I don't. Last night I felt like I didn't.

I want so much to be in the thick of it. Not just in Haiti but in so many other countries that are dealing with so much, or countries that just need the joy of Jesus brought into them. It's really hard to sit still and be responsible sometimes. Because being responsible with two kiddos means not hopping the next flight out of here (mainly because of financial reasons and child care, not because I believe it's irresponsible to go on mission trips). I keep trying to talk Chris into heading back over to Ukraine. I mean we already live away from family, plus we still have friends over there, why not?

Like I said, I know I'm not normal as far as my passions for people, but it really bothers me when so many seem to not care about so many. Sometimes I'm painfully aware of the downward suction that the suburbs has on peoples hearts. It forms bubbles, comfy cozy bubbles. Where you can have what you want and aren't exposed to people and things that make you uncomfortable. I feel as though my attempts at opening up those bubbles just a little bit failed, which makes me feel like I failed. I don't get to DO so I want to help and I don't feel like I was successful at that.

I feel exposed and out of place. I miss the sweet fellowship with my dear friends that don't think I am crazy and have the same passions. Who want to do something as well and inspire me to do more. Why are there so few of them?

Here's the video for those of you who are interested, maybe I can still make a difference through the beauty of the internet : )

A friend of mine asked my thoughts on the whole Pat Robertson issue. I didn't think I was going to weigh in on the subject but after typing out a long email I thought I might as well throw it up here for all 3 of you that read this : )

So here were my two cents (if that!) worth:

Here are my thoughts, since you asked.

We (our generation) who was raised in a predominately legalistic "work your way to heaven" point of view wants to be all about God's love and grace and mercy, since that was so severely lacking to us growing up. However, often times people want to put God's attributes of righteousness and judgement on the back burner, and well, you can't roll like that. Not and be biblically justified any how.

So when any one in our modern day Christian culture, no matter who he or she is, wants to start talking about judgement and wrath, people (christian and non) usually shut it down pretty quickly. I think deep down because we know we are just as deserving of the judgement and wrath.

I did find it interesting the people who decided to speak out about the issue and how they chose to do so. I was amazed and confused at the amount of people that thought it best to respond in an attacking matter. Doesn't that just put you on his (presumed) level? While a few others chose to handle it in a more mature manner simply stating a different point of view.

The bible talks about wrath and judgement on a repeated basis. Israel was several times over virtually wiped out by the wrath of God. Nearly all of the prophets either foretold or told the Israelites (or another nation) of their impending judgement for their actions. That's not mentioning the multiple nations who were completely wiped out at the hand of God or specific cities (like Sodom and Gomorrah) that were.

I think to say that the possibility of God choosing to act in such a way is ignorant and blasphemous against the character of God.

On the other hand, I'm not sure Pat Robertson is a prophet. In fact I think he primarily preaches the prosperity gospel which is something I strongly disagree with and think flies in the face of the gospel Christ died for. I also think how he chose to deliver his message was very poor. Even if he first addressed the pain and hurt in the nation and prayed for them before he decided to speak the rest it would have been taken very differently. Also whenever prophets either told or foretold impending wrath to a nation there was always a call to repentance. There was none of that from Pat, so it really just felt like a vindictive "I told you so".

All of us individually and corporately (being America) have done horrible things justifying such wrath. I have no idea why God hasn't rained fire on our nation yet. We could talk about what we did to the slaves, or to women, or to the Japanese (we had our own work camps). There has been countless acts of horror done in this nation just as deserving of a fate like Haiti's. If we aren't supposed to compare ourselves and our sin individually why is it okay to do so corporately? Sin is sin (generally speaking there are two exceptions but they aren't relevant regarding this topic) and we are all sinful nations just as deserving of their fate.

Which is why I think we should be on our knees for them in prayer sending every ounce of help that we can. It could just as easily have been us. And I think that Christ would have been up to his elbows in blood and tragedy trying to help those around him .

In summary I guess I would say that while I can understand his point of view and their may be some truth to what he said, I think how he chose to handle the situation and spoke about the scenario wasn't well thought out or done so in a way that glorified God. How often do I make the same mistake?

However we have the opportunity in this situation to help make a difference.

Part of my point in choosing to post this was to get people thinking about the way that Christ would have decided to act in the circumstances. I would hope those thoughts spur action to help, if so here are some options:

Text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross relief efforts in Haiti

Compassion

Samaritan's Purse

Doctor's Without Border's

spendyourself

Please ignore my last post. I'm a selfish retched sinner who needs more of Christ.

I have been given much and need to work on my attitude of thankfulness.

What a gift that I get to pour out of myself on a daily basis for the better of those around me.

Wishing I could pour myself out here.

I've been feeling very restless recently.

I've been living in ATL for about a year and a half. It's been about eight years since I've been in a place that long without knowing we were leaving in the future.

Right now there is nothing on the forefront on us leaving, unless it's a situation we choose to create.

And it has me antsy. Not just antsy, but searching for purpose. Clearly we are here for a reason. I just have no idea what the heck that reason is.

I don't like wandering aimlessly without a purpose. I like plans. And while I have given up making definitive plans because God has thwarted my planning efforts and attempts at control, I like being focused and concentrated. It would be easy to generally say that my focus and concentration is His glory, but that's not enough. Because it's easy to say. And not do. I want to be doing something for His glory.

I feel as though we are in the midst of a suburban bubble that would be so easy to get sucked into and become complacent in. I. don't. want. that. I don't want complacency, or a bubble. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want suburbia. Especially with what's going on in Haiti right now. I would love to just pack up and go help. But I can't.

And to be completely honest... I'm getting kind of tired of being selfless. I know I should continue to serve my children in cleaning up their messes, the house, them, doing their laundry and keeping them entertained. To be a good mom requires virtually complete selflessness, no matter what Oprah says, we shouldn't be putting ourselves first. To put what you want to get done and do aside and take care of your kids and the house and your husband. And I'm tired of it. Not tired like I want to quite, but tired like I need a break. But I don't have friends here that want to randomly get out (or at least not with me), and babysitters are expensive. I need to be refreshed.

I'm serving at home and at church, and yet I feel like I'm not doing anything. I so wish I could be satisfied with the things that I am doing and the differences my logical side tells me I'm making. I wish I could shut my selfish sinful nature up and continue to give of myself without thinking. I wish there was something on the forefront to be looking towards, working towards, and not feel like I'm getting sucked into the vacant void of complacency.

I wish I could be satisfied in what He has given.

The worst part is feeling annoyed and frustrated at myself for even thinking and feeling this way. Wishing I had more faith in His control and direction, more confidence in His ability to turn nothing into something, more rest that in this process He is helping me to become more like Him. I wish I had MORE of HIM in ME.

Back to my Genesis findings:

One of the things I was impacted by was the fact that God reminded Abraham of his promise at least 4 times through out his life. This came as a great comfort to me right now as I am feeling lost in my "calling". I'm trusting that God will be faithful to remind my of what He has called me to do.

I was also impressed by the pull and strength of generational sin (Genesis 26). I've heard lots of people talk about Abraham's discretion in twice portraying Sarai as his sister and not his wife, but seldom do you hear it talked about that Isaac did the exact same thing. I think this is a reminder of how strong our impression is on the generation we lead. Isaac wasn't even alive when his father committed these sins and yet he must have seen something in his father that lent him to repeating his mistakes. Makes me a bit fearful of my current actions. Thank the Lord for grace. For me and my children!

Finally I really enjoy reading about Jacob's love for Rachel (Genesis 29). I love finding romance in unexpected places. Like Genesis 8. Not only did he show off when he first met her by rolling a large stone out of the way and watering her flock (serving her!) but then he kissed her (scandal!) and "lifted his voice and wept". He also then went on to work (HARD) for her hand in marriage for 14 years. What girl wouldn't be flattered by that?

Those are my thoughts. Hopefully I get to do a real post soon!

So I've been in the Word more recently, and more intentional about how I read, taking my time, mulling things over. It's been great. So fun how God gives you little insights.

I thought I would jot down some of those, more than anything so that I can remember them. I started in Genesis and am planning on reading through in the historical order (historically happened, not written). That will get a little tricky when I get to Paul's books, but I think historical importance isn't quite as big a deal there.

Genesis 1:2 (NAS) "And the earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving..."

I just love how even at the beginning God is constantly moving and turning nothing into something. How many times have I felt like or been in a situation that felt formless, void and full of darkness. But the Spirit of God was moving!!! How well I would do to remember that more often!

Genesis 1: 29-30 "...I have given you every plant yielding seed....it shall be food for you...I have given every green plant for food."

Interesting he never mentions the animals as being provided for food. One could assume that in the beginning we were vegetarians.

Genesis 9:3- "Every moving thing that is alive shall be food for you; I give all to you, as I gave the green plant."

This is after the flood, just an interesting follow up to the prior verse. He also proceeds in the following verse to establish His covenant to not flood the earth again, but every time he addresses humans and follows it up by also directing His covenant to the beasts. Just reminder and conviction for me that they are God's creation as well and He cared enough about them to save them along with us during the flood, and to establish His covenant not just with us, but with them, so I would do well to do everything in my power to respect His creatures. For me this makes me want to prioritize buying grass fed beef, free range chicken and eggs, and be more "green".

Genesis 9:20-23- "Then Noah began farming and planted a vineyard. And he drank of the wine and became drunk, and uncovered himself inside his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father and told his two brothers outside. But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it upon both their shoulders and walked backward and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were turned away so that they did not see their father's nakedness."

It struck me how often we repeat Ham's actions with our words. How often do we repeat some one's wrong doing or slip up to others instead of going to that person and trying to help "cover" their folly. I know I am guilty of that. The passage goes on to deal out a punishment onto Ham's son Canaan which reminds me how strong generational sin and it's pull is and how difficult it is to break free from. I think it's something we must consistently be checking ourselves for remnants of.

Those are my bits for now. I'm looking forward to getting more this afternoon!