Externally Processing My Way Through Life

I am awkward.

Sometimes I feel like I am going through a "teenager" type stage all over again.

I am trying to figure out who I am. But that doesn't sound right, because I know who I am, and am comfortable in it in my own little world, but whenever I walk out my door I feel like I am always struggling. Struggling to say the right thing, struggling to not say the wrong thing, struggling to fit in.

Which annoys me to even type. I am not a person that cares about fitting in.

Except I do. Mainly because I want to have friends. And I don't really care if I'm friends with the "cool kids" or not, I just want to find deep, intentional friendships. Why is that so freaking hard to find??? I know who I am, and I know what my beliefs and convictions, my talents and strengths are. Problem is, so far I can't find someone who lines up with most of that and wants to have a meaningful relationship, so I feel like I have to do this juggling act to figure out what I can do to make close friendship with me more desirable. I mean seriously, baking cupcakes and having theological conversations isn't enough?!

I hate being insecure and questioning myself so much, it's driving me crazy. It's driving my husband crazy.

Speaking of, I was away this weekend, and it reminded me how awesome he is. Not only is he my best friend, but I love that we have the same convictions. I think I have taken that for granted, but I realized this weekend how huge that is. I also love that we get convicted about things at the same time. It's awesome.

But back to my awkwardness. I think it makes me even more frustrated because I know there are people that I could just sit down with and immediately feel comfortable with. They are just several hundred miles away. As much as I love my husband and think he is a rockstar, I still need me some really good girl time. In person.

Sometimes I feel like the suburbs are way too close to high school.