Pondering for the day:

Is it okay for/should the church be run like a business?

I am in my head WAY too much today.

I think I may have posted my last post a bit too soon. I need time to process, and to let my head get where it's going. Any how, I think I am there now, so let me add.

I have realized that I am deeply passionate about intentional, close, God-glorifying, servant oriented relationships. Obviously. But for some reason there have only been a few brief times in my life where I have gotten to experience the wondrous beauty that is what I so deeply desire. I'm not sure if it's a way to make me more appreciative of God's beauty represented in those times, or if it's a brief insight of what I have to look forward to in heaven. Maybe both.

Either way, I ache for those times. I remember in college having a night of intense worship with amazing women of God on either side of me participating right along side of me, hearing God speak to me and scribbling notes alongside of friends and huddling up with a group of four other girls and intensely praying for and over one another. Oblivious to what was around us, consumed with the Spirit. I loved our bible studies where there was deep accountability, challenging actions and thoughts, pushing one another, inspiring on another. Just being in the presence of people with such deep faith made me feel closer to the Lord. It was almost as if I were walking on Holy ground, those times were so saturated with his presence.

As I have served in different ministry areas in varied forms, pursuing the passion of deep intentional relationships seems to be always with me. No matter how I might try to shake it (because pursuing something that you rarely find can be defeating) I cannot deny the longing.

So as of this week, I have given up denying. I'm giving up hunting and pursuing and moving on to the (with God's grace!) creating.

Instead of trying to find those relationships within ministry settings I am going to make my ministry about creating environments where those types of relationships flourish and teaching others about what they look like. I may not always be the benefactor of it, but to see someone else experience that, I'm sure, will be just as big a blessing.

So in my high school small group, in my Beth Moore bible study, in any area of influence I have, I want to make that a core focus of the group.

After years of pursuing biblical knowledge and wisdom, and attaining a fair amount of it, I've learned that no amount of knowledge can replace or make up for not having those types of relationships in your life. Books don't challenge you after you have put them down. Once you have listened to a sermon, the pastor isn't going to call you and ask you if you did your quiet time. Worship music isn't going to encourage your worship in other areas of life. We are meant to have people in our lives who challenge us, encourage us, pray with us and over us, weep with us, rejoice with us, worship with us, and LIVE with us.

The reason we are relationally oriented is because it is so vital to our spiritual well being. I get chills every time I read Acts 2 where it talks about the fellowship of believers.

2:42 They were devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 2:43 Reverential awe came over everyone, and many wonders and miraculous signs came about by the apostles. 2:44 All who believed were together and held everything in common, 2:45 and they began selling their property and possessions and distributing the proceeds to everyone, as anyone had need. 2:46 Every day they continued to gather together by common consent in the temple courts, breaking bread from house to house, sharing their food with glad and humble hearts, 2:47 praising God and having the good will of all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number every day those who were being saved.

This is how it is supposed to be. This is what relationships should look like, and what we are to pursue.

So while I may not again (outside of my marriage) get to experience the blessing that is a Christ centered and focused relationship, I have seen the blessing that it is, and will help others pursue it. I will teach everyone I can about the way that Christ intended us to do life with each other, I will encourage them and help create circumstances where this can be achieved.

1 Thessalonians: 2:12 exhorting and encouraging you and insisting that you live in a way worthy of God who calls you to his own kingdom and his glory.

I am awkward.

Sometimes I feel like I am going through a "teenager" type stage all over again.

I am trying to figure out who I am. But that doesn't sound right, because I know who I am, and am comfortable in it in my own little world, but whenever I walk out my door I feel like I am always struggling. Struggling to say the right thing, struggling to not say the wrong thing, struggling to fit in.

Which annoys me to even type. I am not a person that cares about fitting in.

Except I do. Mainly because I want to have friends. And I don't really care if I'm friends with the "cool kids" or not, I just want to find deep, intentional friendships. Why is that so freaking hard to find??? I know who I am, and I know what my beliefs and convictions, my talents and strengths are. Problem is, so far I can't find someone who lines up with most of that and wants to have a meaningful relationship, so I feel like I have to do this juggling act to figure out what I can do to make close friendship with me more desirable. I mean seriously, baking cupcakes and having theological conversations isn't enough?!

I hate being insecure and questioning myself so much, it's driving me crazy. It's driving my husband crazy.

Speaking of, I was away this weekend, and it reminded me how awesome he is. Not only is he my best friend, but I love that we have the same convictions. I think I have taken that for granted, but I realized this weekend how huge that is. I also love that we get convicted about things at the same time. It's awesome.

But back to my awkwardness. I think it makes me even more frustrated because I know there are people that I could just sit down with and immediately feel comfortable with. They are just several hundred miles away. As much as I love my husband and think he is a rockstar, I still need me some really good girl time. In person.

Sometimes I feel like the suburbs are way too close to high school.

"Every night, I tuck in our children. Lauren puts them down, reads them stories and then we tag and I go up. We pray and pray and talk. We have some conversations. Every night, I plead for the souls of my children. I plead for it. I plead for it. I am not going to be a good enough father to pull off salvation in my children's hearts. I'm not. I'm not going to be able to model it well enough. All I can do is commend His works to them. He's got to save them. So I plead with Him. Men and women who walk in pride, they don't need to plead for the lives of their children. You know why? Because they got it. Why would they need to plead? God forbid if their kid runs amok. You know what the issue was? The issue wasn't them; the issue was your kid. Your kid came into their life, influenced them into darkness and if you would have done a better job, if you would have watched what they watched, if you would have watched what they read, if you would not have allowed them to watch the “Smurfs” or whatever the Evangelical community is now saying is evil and wicked and after the souls of our children, if you would have done that, then in the end, “my kid would love the Lord, because I raised them to love the Lord. That's not how I raised them. Your kid was the issue.”"

Matt Chandler

If you were the perfect mother, there would be no need for the cross. If you did not sin against your children, against me, there would be no need for the cross. I died for that very sin.

Missy from It's Almost Naptime

Lord help me!!! Humble me, help me to see how much I need you every day, to ache for you, and cry out for you. Break me of my pride!

4 Therefore speak to them and tell them, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: When any Israelite sets up idols in his heart and puts a wicked stumbling block before his face and then goes to a prophet, I the Lord will answer him myself in keeping with his great idolatry. 5 I will do this to recapture the hearts of the people of Israel, who have all deserted me for their idols.' 6 "Therefore say to the house of Israel, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Repent! Turn from your idols and renounce all your detestable practices!

Ezekiel 14: 4-6

Show me my idols, so when I come to you, you see more than idolatry. Purge me of my idols so that when you look at me you see more than idolatry, and can talk to me and answer me without having to first deal with my idolatrous heart.

Capture my heart. Parent through me. Let me know at the end that it was nothing that I did, but by your grace and mercy!

I find it funny all of the presumptions and the "I nevers..." that I made before children. I laugh at my naivete now.


My first misconception was about life after children. Everyone would always tell us how life after children would never be the same. I would get so irritated (have I mentioned recently, I have pride issues?) and think that people didn't know us, and that we would be different. Why I thought I knew more than the 50 or so people that I encountered that told me this, I'm not sure. Oh, that's right, that little pride issue I mentioned. And having children does change your life, inexplicably.

Then I remember seeing parents with young kiddos in the stores. They would either be throwing fits, or running around, and I swore that I would never let my kids act like that. Anyone that has encountered Josh for more than 5 minutes is laughing right now.

These are just a few of my preconceived notions about parenting that I was way off on.


And yet the awareness of my lack of awareness has not helped me make any less promises to my self about my parental future.

I barely have my feet wet with this whole school and sports thing, and I already have a list full of intentions in this arena.

However, some ideas and expectations for my children and their future are good. Like them being expected to go to youth group, and Sunday church when they are older. Not making sports a priority over church and God. Having dinner together as often as humanly possible. Having family nights once a week.

So where are the lines between expecting the unrealistic, and having expectations worth striving and sacrificing for?

I'm still not quite sure, but I know it does include humility.

I needed to hear this:





All too often I forget than ministry is messy, and that while perfection is what we strive for, it something we will never obtain on earth. I need to be more patient with the imperfect.

I've also been enjoying being back into some theology books recently. One of my top loves. I've been reading C.S. Lewis' The Weight of Glory, and Tim Keller's The Reason For God. SO much good stuff.

Here is a quote from C.S. Lewis book that I loved, and I think hits a lot of the religious right.

(This is during WW II)
"A man may have to die for our country, but no man must in any exclusive sense, live for his country. He who surrenders himself without reservation to the temporal claims of a nation, or a party, or a class is rendering to Caesar that which, of all things, most emphatically belongs to God: himself."

And another great one:
"If all the world were Christian, it might not matter if all the world were uneducated. But, as it is, a cultural life will exist inside or not. To be ignorant and simple now- not to be able to meet the enemies on their own ground- would be to throw down our weapons, and to betray our uneducated brethren, who have, under God, no defense but us against the intellectual attacks of the heathen. Good philosophy must exist, if for no other reason, because bad philosophy needs to be answered."