Life is crazy right now. In fact, I shouldn't' even be typing this...however I need to empty my brain a bit.

Business is crazy. Which is good, but an adjustment on our family life. Between that and some other big changes going on there may be some big changes/transitions going on in our lives. Not to mention being a parent to a school aged child is apparently demanding. We're learning.

Speaking of business being busy, this means more people are knowing who I am. Which is okay, except for the fact that I do not want a bunch of strangers reading my personal thoughts. I'm giving even more consideration to making this blog private, or at least where you have to be logged in with your approved (by me) email to access it.

Life seems kind of hard today. Mainly because there are people in my life that I love that it's hard for. While it makes me feel so grateful and blessed for what I have...it also make me feel small and helpless and very aware of Satan's presence in our world.

This is not our home.

Praise the Lord. Life and love seem so very fragile right now.

I also find it interesting how much ministry Chris and I seem to do even though we are not in ministry (career wise, this is a whole rant I could do about how we all should be in ministry despite what our other professions are). Which I love, but sometimes it's rough to do the difficult part of ministry and not get to see as much of the great side of it. Not to mention it takes a lot of time and heart.

Speaking of time. I'm out of it. Sorry for the randomness, but it is the essence of me.

I feel so blessed today.

I've been going through something recently and felt really convicted in our small group last night that I needed to tell someone. So I did, mainly to ask for prayer about an answer I was waiting for.

A sweet friend unexpectedly came over to pray over/for me, and about the answer. Not even five minutes after she left I got a call about the answer, with the outcome we had been praying for. How awesome is that?

I love how quickly and obviously God chooses to at times show Himself. I also am in awe of how at specific moments He shows you just how big and awesome His love is and that it's specific for you and what you are going through.

Last night in small group we worked through Acts 4:23-37. In that passage we went over three important things the disciples did that we should try to replicate in our own live on a consistent basis, but most importantly in times of crisis and difficulty.

The disciples had just been thrown in jail and threatened by the rulers of their province, and upon their release the first thing the did was to gather other believers and pray. And not praying for supplication and protection, but adoring God and acknowledging who He was and asking for His will to be done.

Also through their prayer they acknowledged God's sovereignty. That He was sovereign over their being in jail, and sovereign over their being threatened and sovereign over their release, so they would continue to proclaim His name and sovereignty.

Finally they experienced gospel community. Giving to one another as one had need and no one in their midst was needy. I imagine "needy" doesn't just mean financially, but emotionally as well. And it wasn't without sacrifice this happened. People had to give of themselves and their possessions to make it happen.

So with those three points the question was asked: in what area do you most struggle with? Immediately going to God in prayer, acknowledging His sovereignty over the situation, or being willing to give of yourself and your resources for the sake of gospel community?

I think there are several facets of each that you could struggle with but I think my top two are prayer and sovereignty. I'm an external processor, so when something happens my immediate response is to call Chris, or a friend, or blog about it while only mentioning it to God briefly or in passing. I want my first reaction to be to go to Him and have those long deep externally processing conversations and then to go to His word and allow Him to guide me to His wisdom and answers.

Also, I think when difficulty arises all too often my first response is "why me"? Matt Chandler has inspired me so much in that area and given me a picture of what real life faith looks like. I want my immediate response to be "why not me"? and to be that of acknowledging God's sovereignty in the situation and understanding His glory will be achieved through it or He wouldn't have allowed it to happen. I want to "suffer well".

So much to work on. So thankful I have a savior that is with me every step of the way, occasionally reminding me of His very steady presence by my side.

I love it when God takes over the shuffle application on my iPod. He always makes the best mixes.

On a music related note here are some songs that mess me up:



This one is my life anthem. I could begin and end with this song every single day. The lyrics are perfection and what I hope my heart will be like in the good times and bad. During difficult times I "have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" and during the good "the seed I've received I would sow".

There isn't a link to it because I don't think it's been released by a record label but you can find it on her MySpace page. Christy Nockels song called "Elliana". It's all about her daughter, and it makes me cry every time I hear it. The chorus: "to mother a daughter to look you in the eye, to know that I did everything to walk with you in life, to give you to Jesus that He would impart the wisdom that I'm longing for to mother your heart, Elliana...God has answered my prayers" is my heart as a mom and the longing that I feel in wanting a daughter.




Faith My Eyes by Caedmon's Call/Derek Webb

This song has been with me through some serious change, and about 4 serious moves so it holds a special place in my heart. "I get turned around, I mistake my happiness for blessing, and I'm blessed as the poor, but still I judge success by how I'm dressing, so keep on coming these lines on the road, keep me responsible, be it a light or heavy load, keep me guessing these blessings in disguise and I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes."

Those are few song on mylife long playlist. What are yours?

I need to listen to this every day.

Matt Chandler is a rock star, and I love him for being so bold in his preaching. Christ has used him to speak to longings in my heart that I couldn't verbalize until after listening to Chandler. There isn't one time I have listened to one of his messages and haven't been deeply impacted or convicted. I love that he can speak such wisdom to me, someone who knows the big theology words and theories, and yet every one of his messages proclaims the gospel for those who don't know Christ. A perfect bridge between speaking to the "lost" and teaching the believers. And I want to be his wife's BFF.

I love his thoughts on the issue of marriage and what being a Godly woman looks like.

I hope I meet the majority of the qualifications, and felt very blessed that my husband is someone who lives out most of what he believes are important qualifications of a Godly husband.

This will be one of the best 45 minutes you could spend.

And a sinus infection to top it all off. For the love of Pete.

Despite half of the family recovering from an infection of some sort, this afternoon has been relatively pleasant. I say afternoon and not day because this morning was filled with waiting at the doctors office. And if anyone has ever been to the doctors with two cooped up boys than you know why I left it to this afternoon.

The boys and I made crafty Valentine's Cards together and built a fort. Josh spent more craft time while Jack was sleeping and enjoyed the rare treat of getting to use markers.

I was reading this blog, my new favorite and was convicted about how uptight I am. I grew up in a house that was messy all the time, and I'm not sure if it was that or the aforementioned planning oriented, firstborn, Type A with minor OCD tendencies that's in me or the fact that the hubs is even more of a neat freak than I am that doesn't like messes.

And seriously, it's not like I don't already have my fair share of messes with two boys running around, so why add to the problem right? Wrong. Her blog inspires me. I want to be willing to do crazy things like let my kids splash and swim in mud puddles and take pictures of it. I want to let my boys stand in the window and jump off of their bed into a pile of pillows and blankets (which were probably clean and folded).

I'm still getting used to this whole boy thing. It's not easy to handle when you had no idea what you were in for. I grew up with a sister, and didn't play with boys that much. I don't get why everything is turned into a gun and why they want to blow things up. I don't get the fascination with matchbox cars and the joys they bring. I don't understand why they have to test everything (i.e. push the tip of a toy airplane repeatedly into the couch cushions to see if it will tear or drop something glass to see if it will break, use a sharpie on the couch to make sure it works... I think you get the idea).

I don't understand. But I'm trying. And while I may not understand it all at this moment, I need to be more free about letting them do their thing, because they seem to understand just fine what it is they are supposed to be about. Fighting, protecting, exploring, rescuing, GOING.

So I'm going to try to let loose more. I think Mondays will be my designated day for that. It's usually our rest day and the only day Josh isn't at school. I'm going to try to come up with something each week that let's them unabashedly be boys. And try to not worry about the consequences on my house.

Random side note: To be honest, I'm not sure why (or if) people read my blog. I know there's a random few, but it's because they love me. I don't write for people to read. I write because I'm an external processor. I've got a lot in my head and it makes my life easier if I can get it out. It also gives me reminder and a sort of accountability if it's in print. More importantly, I could never hand write all this out and it's a sort of journal that happens to be public.

I say that so you know where I'm coming from, and because if I thought there were people reading it on a regular basis it would cause me to start editing. I already do some self editing, but I don't want to get too extreme in it or else I wouldn't be able to share what I need to in order to alleviate my brain from too many thoughts nor would it be an effective journal.

The reason I have chosen to make the blog public instead of private is for a (very) few people who know me well enough to not judge me on these words alone and who live hundreds of miles away. It's a way for them to have deep intentional relationships with me without the long emails or phone calls mommyhood can't always afford. And because I know there a few of you that do read that have been able to find some sort of solace in some of my struggles and ponderings. I know there are a few blogs that I have immensely benefited from and have often given me the words I could not find. Although I am doubtful of my capability to do that for others, I know that has occasionally happened. So for those reasons (for now) I leave it public.

Just thought I would give you all my perspective this side of the computer screen.