Externally Processing My Way Through Life

Life has been pretty crazy.

The boys (all 3 of them) have been sick for almost three weeks now and Josh has hit a new level of not listening and blatant disobedience.

I've also been thinking a lot about priorities.

I would hope that my priorities are God, my family and serving. For the most part I think that is fairly close to my reality (although admittedly I at times sub my service to God for our actual relationship).

The problem is all the other things that come into play. Taking care of my house, cooking the meals, my cupcake business, exercising and keeping up with the admin work that a lot of my serving involves.

I'm not as sure about how to prioritize those, or if they should even be a priority. At least for right now. Life with small children (at least my small children) is kind of stressful and high maintenance. I feel like if I am doing good with my three top priorities (God, family and service) than I should be happy with that.

But I'm not happy with it, and I feel like I should be doing it all, and in the attempt to do it all I usually end up sacrificing one or more of the top three priorities. And I seem to feel guilty no matter what. Either I feel guilty for the lack of time I'm spending with and for the Lord, how much I have given to my family, or for something on the "other things" list that I'm not getting done.

I think in particular the exercise one has been getting me down. Mainly because I have been struggling with self-confidence again (again??? how can it be again when it never stopped). See I'm one of those crazy people that enjoys exercise. I like it in a gym, but prefer it outside. I like to walk, run, do the elliptical, hike, whatever. I like to move and be active. The problem is time. It takes time to pack up and go to the gym and exercise (about an hour to hour and a half to be exact). It takes time to go somewhere out side and exercise. And I also have this problem of my kids. Exercising with them just isn't an option, and whenever I take them with me to the gym I feel bad about leaving them in childcare an additional time for the week, and not using that as quality time with them.

But if I don't exercise then I start to feel guilty that I don't. Because seriously, everyone in the suburbs goes to the gym. At least twice a week. And I haven't been in two months. And then I see a picture of myself and it all goes down hill.

I have this thought that I keep struggling with regarding my self esteem and self image. I think I was beautiful before I had kids. I was cute and thin and had really good abs. I could eat whatever I wanted, and I did. I liked what God had created. But after Josh...I'm not so much a fan of this version. Even though I'm healthier now in how I eat then I was before kids. And the thought that keeps running through my head is that what God made was good, but somehow I messed it up and ruined what He made. And then comes the guilt about how I should be exercising and making that a priority. Of which I would have to take time away from family, God or serving to do the level which would make a difference.

So. I've been having issues with priorities. And self-esteem. Actually, we'll just leave it that I have issues.