Externally Processing My Way Through Life

I'm not gonna lie I feel a little defeated right now.

If we were playing a game of "which of these do not belong" I would be the answer.

So I'm not sure what it is about what has been going on in Haiti, maybe it's the horror of it all, the knowledge that is just as easily could have been me, the passion in my heart for people or my fascination with world events, whatever it is it's been on my mind. And I want to do something, more than just text "Haiti" to 90999 and contribute my $10 to the Red Cross, or donate to a friend who's getting ready to leave for Haiti. I wanted to help raise awareness, inspire others to want to help to DO SOMETHING.

It just so happens I do have a slight platform of about 400 kids and 40 volunteers that show up to our youth group every week. So I thought we could do a display with quotes from missionaries blogs and give recommendations on ways they could help. Plus I thought it would be good for there to be a visual. I looked around for picture slide shows and didn't come up with much, plus the more I got to thinking about it I wanted to do something impactful. So I busted out an old hobby and made a video about what is going on.

I put a lot of work into everything, and spent lots of tears weeping over the material as I sifted through it to try to tell a story. I edited the pictures in the video back, what is pictured doesn't even come close to the most horrific ones. There was one picture of a mass grave with hundreds of bodies in it, most of the naked. I don't think I will ever get that picture out of my mind.

I'm not talking about the work I put in as a means to brag, I don't mind hard work, especially if it's for the glory of God. I typically won't think twice of it. The reason I mention it is because I was a little surprised when all 400+ people filed in the doors I maybe had 10 stop and look at everything, and that number includes some of my own girls. And leaders (that one really surprised me) who all know me.

Sometimes I'm painfully aware of how different I am.

I have a deep intense passion for people, to help them, serve them, to cultivate deep meaningful relationships like what the first church had. I know I feel things regarding those issues a little deeper than most. For now I think I've pacified myself with focusing on helping raise others awareness on those issues, particularly my girls and the CLT (compassion leadership team). My hope is that while I cannot be serving in other areas at this time like I'd like to be, I can inspire and encourage others to do so and be prepared for it when they do.

Sometimes I feel like I'm succeeding, sometimes I don't. Last night I felt like I didn't.

I want so much to be in the thick of it. Not just in Haiti but in so many other countries that are dealing with so much, or countries that just need the joy of Jesus brought into them. It's really hard to sit still and be responsible sometimes. Because being responsible with two kiddos means not hopping the next flight out of here (mainly because of financial reasons and child care, not because I believe it's irresponsible to go on mission trips). I keep trying to talk Chris into heading back over to Ukraine. I mean we already live away from family, plus we still have friends over there, why not?

Like I said, I know I'm not normal as far as my passions for people, but it really bothers me when so many seem to not care about so many. Sometimes I'm painfully aware of the downward suction that the suburbs has on peoples hearts. It forms bubbles, comfy cozy bubbles. Where you can have what you want and aren't exposed to people and things that make you uncomfortable. I feel as though my attempts at opening up those bubbles just a little bit failed, which makes me feel like I failed. I don't get to DO so I want to help and I don't feel like I was successful at that.

I feel exposed and out of place. I miss the sweet fellowship with my dear friends that don't think I am crazy and have the same passions. Who want to do something as well and inspire me to do more. Why are there so few of them?

Here's the video for those of you who are interested, maybe I can still make a difference through the beauty of the internet : )