Externally Processing My Way Through Life

Today is a day for mourning some things and moving the heck on.

Through some conversations with my wonderfully insightful husband and an unexpected (but delightful) email and a great blog post by a friend I'm feeling aware and convicted.

Aware about some of my flaws. I have a very high standard that I hold myself to. Most would call it an impractical list, but it's in my head never the less. I work on it, towards it, and if I don't feel like I'm achieving it I view myself as a failure. The problem in this lies more in the fact that since I hold myself to such a strict standard, I assume that others do the same. But since not everyone is a planning oriented firstborn, Type A with minor OCD tendencies that is foolish. The issue complicates itself when I put my high standards and convictions on other people and not only judge or criticize them for it but in my critical nature forget the work of the spirit: progressive sanctification in the lives of those around me.

This awareness has led me to feeling convicted about my critical nature, as well as how self-focused I have been the last couple of days (weeks).

Forgive me as I work on my whining and getting over myself and my issues.

The rub of it is, I have a really good excuse to be a little self focused, and I have been dealing with something pretty dang big. But that still doesn't make it okay. Me being self focused is only going to leave me more dissatisfied where focusing on Christ even in the midst of the pain will leave me feeling joyfully unworthy and humbled: smack dab where my attitude needs to be.

So thanks friend for the attitude check and helping me (uknowingly) realize I was focusing more on me and my perspective than Christ and how He is working and what may be going on in others lives. And for the much needed encouragement. And for going out of your way to lift me up.

Thanks hubs for lovingly correcting me when my gift to see the big picture and it's potential has turned to a critical spirit about how it's not there yet.

And thanks Annie for your writing that puts into words what I am not able to. You help challenge me and I think you are a brilliant writer.


CLT did a training this weekend which I am hoping to further expand on, but we focused on reconciliation and the work of MLK. We took a trip to the MLK center downtown and paralleled Christ's work of reconciliation to what King was about in his movement.

It was fascinating and I learned so much (as well as how much I DID NOT learn in my education about the movement). I was amazed at how intentional MLK was about painfully and deliberately working toward a peaceful reconciliation. The intention and conviction that went into every march or sit in and how focused they were on peace left me in awe.

I'm still trying to process and put into words how this is affecting me, but I think it has left me feeling a bit of a purpose. Some people are called to stand in the gap, and by nature there aren't many people in the middle of the gap, they usually stand on one side (extreme) or the other. Being in the gap means not always having people around you that "get" you. I think I am called to stand in the gap. For whatever reason I'm not called to go at this point, I'm called to suburbia. I think I may be here to stand in the gap for those that can't be and raise awareness about those that need help to go and the need to just go.

Being in that position and having those opportunities isn't always the easiest thing and usually means some form of conflict against the existing ideas and priorities. So in my attempts to open eyes I need to keep MLK's methods in mind. One peaceable, calm, focused foot in front of the other.

Hopefully that makes some sort of sense.