Externally Processing My Way Through Life

I've been feeling very restless recently.

I've been living in ATL for about a year and a half. It's been about eight years since I've been in a place that long without knowing we were leaving in the future.

Right now there is nothing on the forefront on us leaving, unless it's a situation we choose to create.

And it has me antsy. Not just antsy, but searching for purpose. Clearly we are here for a reason. I just have no idea what the heck that reason is.

I don't like wandering aimlessly without a purpose. I like plans. And while I have given up making definitive plans because God has thwarted my planning efforts and attempts at control, I like being focused and concentrated. It would be easy to generally say that my focus and concentration is His glory, but that's not enough. Because it's easy to say. And not do. I want to be doing something for His glory.

I feel as though we are in the midst of a suburban bubble that would be so easy to get sucked into and become complacent in. I. don't. want. that. I don't want complacency, or a bubble. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want suburbia. Especially with what's going on in Haiti right now. I would love to just pack up and go help. But I can't.

And to be completely honest... I'm getting kind of tired of being selfless. I know I should continue to serve my children in cleaning up their messes, the house, them, doing their laundry and keeping them entertained. To be a good mom requires virtually complete selflessness, no matter what Oprah says, we shouldn't be putting ourselves first. To put what you want to get done and do aside and take care of your kids and the house and your husband. And I'm tired of it. Not tired like I want to quite, but tired like I need a break. But I don't have friends here that want to randomly get out (or at least not with me), and babysitters are expensive. I need to be refreshed.

I'm serving at home and at church, and yet I feel like I'm not doing anything. I so wish I could be satisfied with the things that I am doing and the differences my logical side tells me I'm making. I wish I could shut my selfish sinful nature up and continue to give of myself without thinking. I wish there was something on the forefront to be looking towards, working towards, and not feel like I'm getting sucked into the vacant void of complacency.

I wish I could be satisfied in what He has given.

The worst part is feeling annoyed and frustrated at myself for even thinking and feeling this way. Wishing I had more faith in His control and direction, more confidence in His ability to turn nothing into something, more rest that in this process He is helping me to become more like Him. I wish I had MORE of HIM in ME.