Externally Processing My Way Through Life

To say there is a lot going on in life right now may be a bit of an understatement.

I really dislike when I have a lot going on and yet am craving time to just be in the word...or books about His word and spending time with God. I just want to sit, and be for at least an hour... without falling asleep.

Maybe it's because God is doing a lot in our lives right now.

For the first time in five year Chris and I are both plugged into our own individual small groups, a small group with couples, and are serving the body.

We both love it, but at the same time during all that spiritually stagnant time (a.k.a. Connectisuck) there were areas we slacked off in, or strongholds we allowed Satan to form. So along with involvement has come a lot of coming back to where we once were, and working to break through those strongholds.

I feel like my mind is just now beginning to fire on some of the cylinders it used to run on. I used to be filled with lots of deep theological and philosophical ponderings, and while I still have those thoughts they are more simple (because as much as people try to complicate it, I think our faith and the questions it brings up really is rooted in simplicity), or consumed with issues more applicable to my day to day life, like marriage and children.

I think the biggest areas God is helping me gain freedom in is insecurity, and finances. Finances seem like a silly one, so let me explain a bit.

I have swung to both extremes in the view of money. Growing up in a well-to-do high school where Coach purses were low end, and there were rows of BMW and Mercedes in the parking lot, I became very materialistic...and very aware of what money did. After Ukraine, I swung to the other extreme, judging those who drove the BMW's and bought designer purses (especially those within the church). I didn't want to have any money because I saw what it did, I viewed it as evil, not as a gift from God and a tool to glorify Him.

Both extremes unhealthy. Besides, now I'm somewhere in the middle. We don't drive a BMW, but we are by no means poor (no matter how Dave and our budget some times makes us feel). We don't want to live like no one else so we can live like no one else (Dave's motto). We want to live like no one else, so we can help others live. So we're working on honoring God with our finances. And for us that means more than tithing. My attitude towards money was very off and God is helping me work through my issues towards it. And trusting Him with it, and to provide it. This also goes back to a lot of worry issues for me that being a planner I'm prone to.

It's amazing how in working through finance issues, I'm dealing with so many other related issues (insecurity, lack of trust, selfishness, pride...), so I feel like there's a whole slew of struggles I'm just at the tip of.

With insecurity, I feel like I am just at the beginning of what will more than likely be a life long process of fighting for freedom in this area. It's a fickle one to fight through. In the process of working through my issues with it I find myself focusing all too often on me. My hurts, my triggers, my thoughts...and while some of it is helpful, to gain insight on what has made me who I am and the choices I make...it's not okay to stay self focused (my issue with existentialism, but that's another post). We are supposed to be Christ focused, with our thoughts and actions. So after I spend so much time processing through what brought about the result of my current personhood, I must be quick to relate it back to Christ and regain my focus.

Even though looking back gains insight, I need to look up to remind me of why I've dealt with and been formed into what I am. To glorify God.

I've heard people talk about needing salvation just as much now as the day they were first saved. I actually find myself even more dependent on it now. I am more aware now of how completely repulsive my heart is, because Christ has entered my life. Each day He gives me more awareness to the sin that lives within, unclouding my vision, making it more like His.

All that to say...here's hoping for some down time on the 10hour drive to get some extended JC time. It's all up to the kiddos. At least I don't have to drive. And after a 18hour drive up to Philly, and a 15hour drive home, that is something!