Externally Processing My Way Through Life

And a sinus infection to top it all off. For the love of Pete.

Despite half of the family recovering from an infection of some sort, this afternoon has been relatively pleasant. I say afternoon and not day because this morning was filled with waiting at the doctors office. And if anyone has ever been to the doctors with two cooped up boys than you know why I left it to this afternoon.

The boys and I made crafty Valentine's Cards together and built a fort. Josh spent more craft time while Jack was sleeping and enjoyed the rare treat of getting to use markers.

I was reading this blog, my new favorite and was convicted about how uptight I am. I grew up in a house that was messy all the time, and I'm not sure if it was that or the aforementioned planning oriented, firstborn, Type A with minor OCD tendencies that's in me or the fact that the hubs is even more of a neat freak than I am that doesn't like messes.

And seriously, it's not like I don't already have my fair share of messes with two boys running around, so why add to the problem right? Wrong. Her blog inspires me. I want to be willing to do crazy things like let my kids splash and swim in mud puddles and take pictures of it. I want to let my boys stand in the window and jump off of their bed into a pile of pillows and blankets (which were probably clean and folded).

I'm still getting used to this whole boy thing. It's not easy to handle when you had no idea what you were in for. I grew up with a sister, and didn't play with boys that much. I don't get why everything is turned into a gun and why they want to blow things up. I don't get the fascination with matchbox cars and the joys they bring. I don't understand why they have to test everything (i.e. push the tip of a toy airplane repeatedly into the couch cushions to see if it will tear or drop something glass to see if it will break, use a sharpie on the couch to make sure it works... I think you get the idea).

I don't understand. But I'm trying. And while I may not understand it all at this moment, I need to be more free about letting them do their thing, because they seem to understand just fine what it is they are supposed to be about. Fighting, protecting, exploring, rescuing, GOING.

So I'm going to try to let loose more. I think Mondays will be my designated day for that. It's usually our rest day and the only day Josh isn't at school. I'm going to try to come up with something each week that let's them unabashedly be boys. And try to not worry about the consequences on my house.

Random side note: To be honest, I'm not sure why (or if) people read my blog. I know there's a random few, but it's because they love me. I don't write for people to read. I write because I'm an external processor. I've got a lot in my head and it makes my life easier if I can get it out. It also gives me reminder and a sort of accountability if it's in print. More importantly, I could never hand write all this out and it's a sort of journal that happens to be public.

I say that so you know where I'm coming from, and because if I thought there were people reading it on a regular basis it would cause me to start editing. I already do some self editing, but I don't want to get too extreme in it or else I wouldn't be able to share what I need to in order to alleviate my brain from too many thoughts nor would it be an effective journal.

The reason I have chosen to make the blog public instead of private is for a (very) few people who know me well enough to not judge me on these words alone and who live hundreds of miles away. It's a way for them to have deep intentional relationships with me without the long emails or phone calls mommyhood can't always afford. And because I know there a few of you that do read that have been able to find some sort of solace in some of my struggles and ponderings. I know there are a few blogs that I have immensely benefited from and have often given me the words I could not find. Although I am doubtful of my capability to do that for others, I know that has occasionally happened. So for those reasons (for now) I leave it public.

Just thought I would give you all my perspective this side of the computer screen.