Externally Processing My Way Through Life

I have been feeling rather conflicted recently. Chris tells me it's because I over analyze things.

So I grew up in a fairly affluent area. There was a row of BMW and Mercedes cars at my high school, as well as at our church. I was used to how people in the regular world dealt with money, mainly because they didn't know any better. But a lot of what I saw in the church really bothered me.

I always said I didn't want to have a lot of money, because I have seen what it can do to people. Not to mention the bible speaks over and over of the potential repercussions. It always seemed like something very dangerous to have, and I would have preferred to just stay away instead of figuring out how to handle with care.

Well it's amazing how having two children (and more in the future) to provide for, and living in the suburbs can change your mind.

I guess it was the naivete of my youth when I thought we could just do okay, and still be able to get our kids through college, and eventually build our dream home.

Problem is, I want to be able to put my kids in swimming lessons on a whim, and piano, and soccer, and baseball, and whatever else I or they want to be involved in. I want them to be able to go to any college that they want, and mom and dad not have to say no because of the accompanying price tag. And I want to build my dream house with a wrap around porch, six burner gas stove, double oven, commercial grade refrigerator, and a fun little loft are where my grand kids will love to explore.

But I don't want money.

But I want....

But I don't want money.

See the ridiculousness of my thoughts? Not to mention, my husband has just happened to get himself into a job that he is rather good at and continues to move up in and makes a bit more than that whole music minister gig would have.

So now I want... and eventually I could have... but I don't want money.

I would rather feed children in India or Africa than have a Coach bag. I think spending $30 on any shoes other than tennis shoes is extravagant. Probably 50% of my wardrobe is from Target, and if for some reason my husband wanted to go buy a BMW, I would cry over the amount of mission trips we could have gone on for that price tag, or the number of missionaries we could have supported, or the children we could have fed, or the people we could have given water, or the homeless we could have helped shelter, or the number of women we could have help escape sex trafficking.

But I could justify driving a brand new Acadia, and I'd be okay building that dream house, and I wouldn't argue a larger (okay, existent) clothes budget. Why is it that what I feel is acceptable is the standard? Maybe to someone a BMW is their low end choice as opposed to the Ferrari they really wanted.

That's just like God to make it all about the heart.

I'm struggling with becoming something I didn't want be, or wanting something I didn't want to want. Does that make me a bad person? Or is God humbling me, and reminding me that he showed me all the wrong things that can happen with money so I didn't make that mistake. Maybe not wanting to be that person is enough to not be.