Externally Processing My Way Through Life

Sometimes you just want to curl up in bed and cry. And sometimes you are so numb tears won't even come.

Tonight I stood alone in my kitchen washing 4 of my china bowls. China that my grandma gave to me. My grandma who was very much like my mother in law, who got along great with my mother in law. My grandma who my mother in law prayed for. My grandma and my mother in law, both women who taught me so much about being a mom, wife and housekeeper. Who were like moms to me in so many ways.

Both women who I've lost.

I washed the china, that I had served apple crisp drizzled with salted caramel sauce to my father in laws new girlfriend to and waited for the tears to come.

But there are none today.

Today I feel almost numb to the pain. Numb and bewildered by the pain and brokeness in the world.

I know God is loving and merciful and full of grace. I know He has a plan. I scream to myself I KNOW YOU HAVE A PLAN! Just show me....help me to understand. Help me to understand why you would take two women who meant so much to me away. Help me to understand how in the midst of grief we now have to deal with a new pain and confusion and hurt and divisions in our family. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

How can you ask us to give our whole being to our spouse, to be spiritually, emotionally and physically united, completely devoted...loving as You have loved and yet in an instant You can take them away? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Now the tears come.

Pain. Fear. Grief. Loneliness. Confusion.

And yet I must stay strong. For my husband who is emotionally drained and is about ready to walk back in the door after hard conversations. For my kids who still miss their GaGa and are confused.

I keep going, and I remember. I remember how in the darkness that was Ukraine when I felt as though no good could come...you brought life from ashes. How after months of praying, when almost all hope was lost...you answered with a crazy plan. How when I though things were irreparable you made beautiful things out of dust. How when you were in the garden, you weren't grieving the loss of life, you were grieving the separation you would experience. That you would experience so through you we would never have to have separation, from You or our loved ones who trust in You.

You can do the impossible and unthinkable and you make all things new. So I wait.

PLEASE come.