Externally Processing My Way Through Life

There are moments in our lives where God seems to briefly open our eyes to the stench that is the wickedness evil and sin that dwells in our hearts. It seems like we only get a glimpse and then remaining memory of the repulsiveness haunts us for a time. Just the memory alone is enough to prompt us to repentance and further indwelling in His Spirit. Then before we know it the memory fades.

I'm sure if we had our eyes fully opened we would be overwhelmed with despair at the state of our own hearts and sink into a great depression, so only a glimpse is given.

I hate that the memory fades. While I have had many glances of my depravity (and happening to be getting a pretty good look at it currently) I want the repulsiveness of sin to affect me more permanently. I want to be more desperate for Him and His grace constantly, not just a quick pick me up until I can handle it again.

Maybe the problem is less my memory but more my lack of right viewing. The closer we are to the Lord and His glory the more we see ourselves and our hearts as they truly are. Maybe the problem is that I'm not dwelling close enough to his glory.

Either way today I am getting a painful glimpse into my hearts sinful nature. A tendency towards bitterness and jealousy, insecurity and pride. It's not a pretty picture. The most frustrating part is several of these areas are ones that I am continuously struggling with. The enemy is unrelenting in His ploys ton keep me beaten down in these areas as well. yet I haven't figured out his tricks and find myself in similar situations over and over and over again.

I'm so tired and discouraged by it all. I hate the sin in my life and yet honestly it doesn't seem like the Lord is going to get anywhere with me. Sometimes I feel like a hopeless case and one of His difficult children that makes Him want to bang His head against the wall.

Thankfully I find verse like this that give me some hope:

"Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity and passing over transgression for the remnant of his inheritance? He does not retain his anger forever, because he delights in steadfast love. He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. You will show faithfulness to Jacob and steadfast love to Abraham, as you have sworn to our fathers from the days of old."

Micah 7:18-20