I love the honesty that a relationship and not a religion allows you.

Sometimes I feel a bit smothered in the South. Well, let's be honest...I felt smothered in the Midwest and the North as well. I just put myself out there and apparently that's pretty strange. I don't believe in pretension. Being pretentious isn't going to help me or anyone else.

Choosing to put myself, who I am, what I've been through, what I've struggle with out there will not only build real relationships quicker, it will also benefit those who are in and/or struggling with the same things.

That's pretty rare down here. Thankfully I've found a few people who are willing to make that leap but it's much more common to keep your mouth shut and always be "good" or "fine". To always be polite and act happy even if you feel like your world is falling apart. To never fight with your husband, struggle with your children, or be frustrated with your circumstances. But that's not life, nor is it me.

For instance right now is just a hard period. There has been a lot of loss and death change and frustration in the last year plus. I know mentally that in everything God is working for my good. I know that in my head, but right now it feels awful hard to communicate that to my heart.

I love that when a sermon just rocks me and I start being really honest with God that I CAN. That I can tell Him that right now, all of this...it doesn't feel like love. Loosing my grandma and my MIL in one year, two of the only women in my life that encouraged as a mom, and a believer and in staying at home, that would just let me call and clear my head and be there and listen and give wise counsel....having them gone doesn't feel like love.

Feeling called to place and then to have nothing but frustration and hurt and confusion while trying to serve....that doesn't feel like love.

And then after pouring your heart out about how right now His love doesn't feel very loving and knowing He hears you, being able to fall on Him in trust and faith that every time before you've felt like this He has walked you through it and shown you how it was His love. Trusting that someday it will all make sense and be worth it. Trusting that He's heartbroken watching my tears. Trusting.

Because He who has begun a good work in me will bring it to completion.

Back

Well, I'm back. Not that there is anyone that still reads this...but I think that's kind of why I'm back. And among other circumstances that have changed and are going to change.

It's been just over a year and a lot has changed in that time. You can catch up on some of that if you like by checking out our family blog.

I am not about the business of catching up, or maintaining here. This was, and always has been a place for me to come and mentally vomit all over a page and clear my head.

So let's get on with it.

I think I've been reading Ecclesiastes too much. Life is feeling very much as though there is nothing that hasn't been done. Some days, weeks, months or even years we are painfully aware of the fact that we don't belong here, and life on this earth is just not quite right. Ever. And even in those glorious moments where everything falls in to place and you breathe deeply and try to imprint it in your memory, we aren't experiencing greatness in this life, we are getting a breath of heaven and it's glory.

A relationship doesn't make life right, school doesn't make life right, a marriage doesn't make life right, kids don't make life right, friends don't make life right, and the perfect church (which doesn't exist) does not make life right. We are supposed to ache and long for something more and so God allows us to experience the imperfection in this world leaving us yearning for Him and heaven.

Sometimes I beg for more wisdom and insight to understand and the only answer I get is not here. You can't and won't understand here, but soon my child it will all make sense. I wish I had the faith to leave it at that at stop seeking sense from it all.

How I long for the day when everything falls into place and I get it. No more being in my head trying to solve the unsolvable. It will just all click, and He will be creator, perfector and all knowing. Just as He always has been, only I couldn't see it clearly through the cloud of sin we live in.

Bowing Out

As I said a couple of months ago, I've been wondering for awhile if I should keep up my personal blog. There's this line of wanting to share more, and not being able to...and yet it still seems that some times I share too much.

Between that and the fact that let's be honest- I haven't exactly been making the most frequent of appearances around here, I'm bowing out of my personal blog. I will still keep the family one and my business one going if you want glimpses into our lives, but my rants and raves are for the most part over.

I've had a four year run and it's been nice.

I started blogging when I had no one else to talk and no sounding board. Too often I took my thoughts here instead of to God, and externally processed into a virtual world instead of to Him.

Life is different now.

I'm so grateful to be in a place where I have friends, and a womens group, and a church. To be in a place where I get poured into and further equipped to pour out to others and give back. I feel like for the first time in a long time I'm in the midst of a community of believers acting as the church.

It's been 5 years since I've lived in the same city as some of my closest friends, and about 8 since I was at the same place in life as them. I'm so grateful to have that again. The difference this time is knowing what a gift it is. I'm not taking it for granted and doing my best to be intentional and to give more than I get.

So I'm investing more in that, and more in being a mom, and my budding business. In real life that gives back.

Too often my thoughts on here have been conversations meant to be between just me and the Lord. They needed not have been public, and rarely good came from them being public. My overflow of thought should always be taken to Him. And we're working on that (or should I say He is working on me!)

That said I've had a few of you that cheered me on through many situations and for that I am extremely grateful. You gave me encouragement when it was hard to come by.

So without any further adieu, I bid goodbye to this blog. It's been real.

*Sigh*

Finally a chance to get all (or at least some) of my thoughts out. I really wanted to do it in the moment, or at least sooner to every thing going down, but life did not afford me that.

The evening after I wrote my last post I got a call from my mom telling me my grandma (dad's mom) had gone into the hospital. She's had two bypass surgeries and a couple of heart attacks. She's a tough broad, and I wasn't too concerned, nor were me parents. Or the doctors, because they didn't get her in for an MRI until the next morning. After seeing that they realized she was having an aortic aneurysm and rushed her into surgery. I got a call in the afternoon informing me of all of this and that she still had several hours to go.

While in the middle of leading my small group I got a call from my sister letting me know she was bleeding out in surgery. My grandma's on lots of blood thinners, I knew it wasn't good. While going to pick up my boys my mom called to tell me she hadn't made it. I broke down. It was so sudden and unexpected. I'm so thankful I had friends that immediately started praying over me.

Thankfully we had already been planning on leaving Saturday to go to STL for my cousins wedding. We moved up the departure time, and helped with funeral details.

See my grandma wasn't just my grandma. She was my name sake, my confidant and my friend. We were pretty close. Not to mention, I've never had any one close to me die before so this was uncharted waters for me.

I honestly wasn't completely confident of her salvation. We had talked about faith, but it had never been point blank asked. God was SO good to give me peace in that. At the visitation some of her dear friends from her neighborhood came over to me. They told me they wanted me to know they rushed to the hospital Tuesday night and point blank asked her, she said she was a Christian and that she prayed every night, that she knew Him, and she knew He knew her, then they told me she proceeded to talk about me and how my faith had influenced her. I am so grateful to the Lord for knowing what a peace that would give and making sure I heard those words through the Body of Christ.

In the process of details it unfolded that Chris was playing piano for the service, and he also ended up randomly being the "officiator". I can't remember being more in awe, impressed and in love with my husband on one day as I was then. He completely allowed the Holy Spirit to indwell in him and speak through him. Not only did he honor my grandma and what she was about, but he LAID OUT the gospel in a largely unbelieving room. He even looked my grandpa (agnostic) in the eye as he gave the gospel. I know God is going to use what Chris said. It was so incredible to see him walk in such faith and submission that day.

There was an open mike time where people got up to speak. I said something, but I didn't feel like I was very eloquent, or quite did justice to her. Mainly because I was crying the whole time. Any how, here is what I would have said had I been composed enough:

My grandma always used to tell me I was just like her. No teenager wants to hear she is like someone old so I usually just brushed it off. In the past several years my grandma and I have become very close. Her tenacity and how she handled moving multiple times gave me strength and wisdom as I was going through similar circumstances. She had a way of listening that was so non-judgemental. She would usually have her opinions about what I told her, but she would always let me finish and then would tell me what she thought matter of factly. No more drama after that, she had said her peace and I could do with it what I wanted. I always appreciated her honesty and directness.

As I've grown I've noticed things about her that a younger more self absorbed person doesn't tend to see. She is always giving. Rarely expecting any thing back. Every one who knows my grandma has something she has made for them. Those that really know her have difficulty storing all that she has made or given them. If she hears about a need she drops every thing to help meet it. Whether it be quilts for a cancer center, a weeks worth of food for a neighbor or just helping to pick someone up, she was some one you could always rely on. The way she served others was remarkable.

She was super thrifty as well. My grandma used to be the coupon queen, and always had a coupon for every thing. She di ligently served her family and helped save money in this way. While she had gotten away from doing it as consistently in the past few years there was never a time she sent a package to me that didn't have a diaper coupon in it. Also, instead of throwing out papers, magazines and other publications she though of others even as she read. Dad got the Rush Limbaugh papers after she was done and I got all the cooking magazines. And if she saw an article in the paper she thought you would like she cut it out and sent it to you.

She was also super crafty. One Christmas we got a suitcase full of handmade barbie doll clothes. All self created. She has made hundreds of quilts and afghans, and any thing else she could figure out to sew. She saw no need to buy some thing you could make yourself and because she was the one who made it for you, you loved it even more.

She was also wonderfully organized and planning oriented. You knew what she wanted, when she wanted you to be there and what she wanted you to bring. It made life so simple. The only reason my closets are the least bit organized is due to her affinity for making me clean mine out every time she came to visit. Even in the last few days before her passing her planning was a blessing. She had Chris', mine and both of the boys birthday presents wrapped ready to go with cards on it. Now I can keep and treasure her last gifts and the last words she wrote to me and the boys. As my husband said well in his talk "she always knew what you were going to need before you needed it." She knew an education in organization would lend a life time full of use. She was right. Like she was most of the time.

Just like she was right when she said I was just like her. I so am. And I am so proud to be. Crafty, organized, service oriented, and thrifty. I love to create things, grow things and cook things. I'm also stubborn, strong willed, tenacious and outspoken, just like she was.

Grandma was big about passing things on that meant a lot to her. While I can try to do that with the physical things she left, more importantly I want to do that with her memory. My children will know GG Sue was a big part of who I was, and in turn who they are. They'll know the attributes of her they have in them, and why that's such a blessing.

I'm going to miss my grandma. She was someone safe I could talk to, and share things with I hadn't told others about. She understood me in a way that no one else can. She poured so much wisdom and love into my life. I am a better person because of her, and proud to be just like her.

To say there is a lot going on in life right now may be a bit of an understatement.

I really dislike when I have a lot going on and yet am craving time to just be in the word...or books about His word and spending time with God. I just want to sit, and be for at least an hour... without falling asleep.

Maybe it's because God is doing a lot in our lives right now.

For the first time in five year Chris and I are both plugged into our own individual small groups, a small group with couples, and are serving the body.

We both love it, but at the same time during all that spiritually stagnant time (a.k.a. Connectisuck) there were areas we slacked off in, or strongholds we allowed Satan to form. So along with involvement has come a lot of coming back to where we once were, and working to break through those strongholds.

I feel like my mind is just now beginning to fire on some of the cylinders it used to run on. I used to be filled with lots of deep theological and philosophical ponderings, and while I still have those thoughts they are more simple (because as much as people try to complicate it, I think our faith and the questions it brings up really is rooted in simplicity), or consumed with issues more applicable to my day to day life, like marriage and children.

I think the biggest areas God is helping me gain freedom in is insecurity, and finances. Finances seem like a silly one, so let me explain a bit.

I have swung to both extremes in the view of money. Growing up in a well-to-do high school where Coach purses were low end, and there were rows of BMW and Mercedes in the parking lot, I became very materialistic...and very aware of what money did. After Ukraine, I swung to the other extreme, judging those who drove the BMW's and bought designer purses (especially those within the church). I didn't want to have any money because I saw what it did, I viewed it as evil, not as a gift from God and a tool to glorify Him.

Both extremes unhealthy. Besides, now I'm somewhere in the middle. We don't drive a BMW, but we are by no means poor (no matter how Dave and our budget some times makes us feel). We don't want to live like no one else so we can live like no one else (Dave's motto). We want to live like no one else, so we can help others live. So we're working on honoring God with our finances. And for us that means more than tithing. My attitude towards money was very off and God is helping me work through my issues towards it. And trusting Him with it, and to provide it. This also goes back to a lot of worry issues for me that being a planner I'm prone to.

It's amazing how in working through finance issues, I'm dealing with so many other related issues (insecurity, lack of trust, selfishness, pride...), so I feel like there's a whole slew of struggles I'm just at the tip of.

With insecurity, I feel like I am just at the beginning of what will more than likely be a life long process of fighting for freedom in this area. It's a fickle one to fight through. In the process of working through my issues with it I find myself focusing all too often on me. My hurts, my triggers, my thoughts...and while some of it is helpful, to gain insight on what has made me who I am and the choices I make...it's not okay to stay self focused (my issue with existentialism, but that's another post). We are supposed to be Christ focused, with our thoughts and actions. So after I spend so much time processing through what brought about the result of my current personhood, I must be quick to relate it back to Christ and regain my focus.

Even though looking back gains insight, I need to look up to remind me of why I've dealt with and been formed into what I am. To glorify God.

I've heard people talk about needing salvation just as much now as the day they were first saved. I actually find myself even more dependent on it now. I am more aware now of how completely repulsive my heart is, because Christ has entered my life. Each day He gives me more awareness to the sin that lives within, unclouding my vision, making it more like His.

All that to say...here's hoping for some down time on the 10hour drive to get some extended JC time. It's all up to the kiddos. At least I don't have to drive. And after a 18hour drive up to Philly, and a 15hour drive home, that is something!

I know I have a whole mission trip to post on...but I'm not sure I can do it justice now. Actually, I'm not sure you can ever do those trips justice with words. It's just something you have to experience.


Any how the gist of it is, I feel torn. Torn between missions and ministry and my heart for that and my current call for the season to be a great mom and wife and to invest in my family. It's a hard line to walk and I feel like I'm always leaning to hard to one direction.

I feel like I'm taking too much time way or neglecting my family when I do the level of ministry that I want, and when I throw myself into my family and neglect serving I feel like I've lost a part of myself.

I think this is the tight rope walk of parenthood. We have to give up some of ourselves and desires to be good parents, but we must maintain outside connection and activities to not loose ourselves in our children...who need to learn to be self sufficient and will eventually be gone.

Other than torn...it was a great trip. Different from others (in it's essence and location) but mainly because I had a different role. Instead of being the main participant or helping create the tone of the trip, I went as a leader which ended up being more of a directing role.

I helped plan and communicate the ideas of VBS each day, but other than that the students ran the show. The first day I tried to help set the tone by jumping into conversations with others and working hard, but after that I tried to back off and make sure the students had every opportunity to be the ones communicating and interacting.

I felt like I was there more to serve the students and enable them to have an impactful trip. One that hopefully opened their eyes and gave them the desire to do more.

And I think that was the best part. Getting to see mainly 15 year olds jumping into conversations with intimidating people, listening, praying, helping. Not being afraid to do some hard work and stepping up and taking leadership. Especially my girls. I know their struggles and hang ups, and to get to see them work through those and take huge steps that week was awesome. It was a reminder of the opportunity I have every single week I help lead them to make an impact.

I wish I could write notes to all of their leaders and parents telling them how proud they should be at what their students did that week. I was especially blown away by the guys. I pray that Josh and Jack will be in the same place as some of our students at that age. I got to hear 15 year old guys talking about their parents with respect and admiration and see them step into leadership roles...they were respectful of the girls and of the leaders. So neat to see.

So that's the summation of the trip. God is good.

Wow. It has been quite the last few weeks, filled with a lot of ups and downs.

First off let me tell you how much I love my job. The one I actually make money with, not the one that involves more work! It took five years to discover something that I could do successfully from home and almost six to get where I was being somewhat consistent about how much I brought in.

I dropped a cupcake cake off tonight and the 12 year old who it was for ran out and exclaimed "awesome, that's exactly what I wanted!" Which if you know many 12 year old girls, then you know that's a big deal. Not to mention, I'm kind of self-conscious about the looks of what I make. The area I feel like I nail it out of the park on is taste. So if I won them over with looks...just wait until they taste it!

I feel SO blessed and grateful to be able to stay at home and still help bring in some extra income doing something I love!

Especially since we have started Dave Ramsey's FPU. It's kicking our butts. There are good days, and hard days, but we have made some pretty big changes and set some pretty big goals. We canceled our Dish. And shipped off our DVR. That's a big sacrifice for us. We're trying to honor God with our finances and be smarter and wiser about what we do with them. I wish someone had told us some of this stuff before we got married!

I've also almost finished Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity. That book has taken me through the ringer. It's definitely in my top 3 life changing books! I'm already ready to read it again. Of course any area you try seek freedom in Satan usually tries to attack you in, and in true form he had me pretty bruised last week.

It might have been because the weather where a lot more skin is showing has arrived, or because two of the people that make me feel most insecure called and made some fun comments, or because I was feeling like a failure in a couple of areas....no matter what it was he took advantage of it.

I'm doing better this week, but I've also been saying "she is clothed with strength and dignity" every couple of minutes as well! Of course right before I'm getting ready to leave on a mission trip when I should NOT be focusing on myself and mentally and prayerfully preparing for what's ahead, he messes with me. Jerk.

Every one keeps asking if I'm excited for my trip. The truth is: I haven't even had time to think about it. And when I do I get....you guessed it- insecure. I know it sounds dumb, but it's been 7 years since I've been on a mission trip. That is a long stinking time. Not to mention the last trip didn't exactly end in the smoothest of fashion, and I had about 3 months of emotional recovery that followed it.

I don't have enough scripture memorized, I'm out of touch with apologetics, I don't know how best to minister in an inner city type environment, and I'm supposed to be leading my girls in how to do this?!?! Thank goodness these things aren't about me. In fact I think the top thing I always leave from trips like this feeling is *humbled*. By what I have, by what I've been given, for grace and mercy, and JESUS. Besides, I think going in knowing I'm not prepared and I'm not ready is exactly where I need to be. Because if I feel confident in my abilities, then I will rely on those, and not seek Him in and before all I do on this trip.

I'm ready to transition....to focus on tomorrow, and SUNDAY, and the fact that not 5 hours after the greatest celebratory day of our faith I get to leave to put it into action. We may not get to dye eggs this year, or even have as cool of Easter baskets, heck I may not even where a dress on Sunday...but I do get the opportunity to go tell people that HE ROSE. And if my kids remember nothing else about this Easter, hopefully they'll remember that mommy left to go tell about what Jesus did on Sunday.

Please pray for me. For humility, grace, patience, kindness, wisdom, strength, rest, safe travels, words and compassion. To be able to pour myself out, and leave knowing I gave my all there. No regrets. To lead well and know the time to step in and the time to step back. To love beyond my own capabilities. To show Christ to those who don't know Him.