So in hindsight, watching Benjamin Button the same weekend my baby boy turned 1 probably wasn't the best of ideas. It only contributed to the echoing thought in my head: how fast this all seems to be going.

More annoyingly I feel as though I have been squandering the precious time I have been given with them as little ones. On the job training is rough.

Thankfully, I'm picking up some of the lessons before it's all too late.

The first year with your first one is incomprehensible. Your too busy just tyring to survive to even think about treasuring moments. Add to that an expectation of moving away from your friends and family, contemplating a career change, and dealing with the additional 30 pounds your carrying around and all that it does to your formerly know self confidence, and you can pretty much rule it out all together. Josh turning a year old was one of the biggest causes to celebrate that I had ever heard of. I was so glad to be done with that.

After moving to CT (shortly after he turned one), I was thrust once again into survival mode. What with no friends, family, church, and a host of other things that we did without, we became focused on getting out of there as quickly as we could. Except in the process of submitting resumes, and repainting the entire house, we forgot to live in the present. Some of my favorite times with Josh slipped by without me taking more careful note of what I was losing.

Then Jack came, and right behind it the move to Georgia. It was all that we hoped it would be. Great house, great people, great church, new friends, and new things to be involved again. Once again we had a life. After living in two years of isolation I jumped at all the new possibilities of doing something. This past semester Chris and I led a small group, I was in a Beth Moore bible study, and I lead a small group of girls in the youth on Wednesdays. Add on to that providing some sort of baked good for my youth girls every week, providing snack for our small group most of the time, a couple of dinners or other cooking obligation for other occurrences, and I have been going almost nonstop.

Then Jack turned one. And I realized even though I had been trying to be more intentional about treasuring the moments I had, I hadn't been intentional enough about making the memories.

I like being busy. I like being able to do everything for everyone and make everyone happy. I like being super mom. Problem is, I only need to be super mom in the eyes of two people (okay, maybe three). And I don't feel like I was doing the best job at that. So with more time off this summer (PTL!) I've been looking at the priorities. Something is going to go, and I will not be saying yes every time someone asks me to make something. Besides I have a business now, they can pay me : )

I don't want to just have more time at home or more down time. I still want to be busy, but busy spending time with my guys, playing with them, taking them to the park, making things that they actually get to help with, and building memories with them.

Parenting little ones is tough work. Anybody who can't admit that has amnesia. It's one of the most draining, exhausting, monotonous jobs. It's easy to get caught up in it and just trudge through trying to survive. In that process you loose sight of the beauty in that period.

I've been in survival mode, and I've done being focused on the "next thing" missing what is right in front of me. I've also done "my thing" being so busy with all my obligations that I forget how quickly it's all going by.

Now I'm going to try to figure out "our thing". Where I get to do what I'm really passionate about, and get the occasional breaks I need to keep me from going insane, but where what needs to be done around the house is getting done, and where both of the boys are getting undivided attention each day. The most important part: letting it be intentional, and not a schedule, or obligation, but really having my eyes open to all the wonderful parts of this time and enjoying it.

I'm just so thankful that God has opened my eyes to this while my oldest is only 4, instead of 18! How great is his mercy!

One of my dear friends once told me that making friends once you're out of college is like dating. I have found that observation to be very true. Particularly since moving to a new area that holds the possibility of new friendships (unlike CT).

Like right now, I have a couple of people that I have found that I consider myself to be friends with, and a handful of additional acquaintances. However, just like dating there is a big difference between just dating, and being boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm not looking to just date (casual friendships) I want a boyfriend (close friend).

I consider myself blessed to have the close friends that I do, however all of mine are a plane ride (or at least a days drive) away. It would be so nice to have someone in the same city that really knows whats going on in my life, who I can call on the phone without feeling weird, go out for a girls night with, and challenge me.

So how do I get there with the potential close friends that I have now? Like in dating does one person have to propose the idea, or declare it? And then there's the obvious, but what if they don't want the same level of relationship that I do? What if they are happy where we are at? What if they're too busy, or have better close friend options, or if I'm just not what they're looking for?

Then there is the issue of if you're friends (analogy for husband and kids) don't like them or don't get along with their friends.

Obviously both being girls there's not one person that's supposed to make the move, so I'm just stuck. Wanting more, but not knowing how to get it. And not wanting to be rejected if I ask for it.

And this is why I have a whole analogy on why the suburbs are like high school. But that is a whole other post.

I had to go to the doctor yesterday. I say had to because of just that I had to. Every spring or fall (depending on the year) in STL I would get a sinus infection. Now for some reason or another in CT I escaped this problem (that makes one positive for CT and 539 negatives). However apparently in Georgia this issue is making it's return.

That is why I had to go to the doctor. I had a sinus infection, I knew what it was, and I knew what I needed (anything other than the z-pak they always try to waste my time on, it never works!). Bu they control the drugs, so to them I went.

Mind you going was a process, since we haven't had to find a general practitioner for Chris and I yet. Lucky for me I was already in my pediatricians office that morning for Jack's ear infection so I asked for a referral while I was in there. Since the place I was recommended to was just around the corner I thought I would see if they had anything within the next hour or two. They practically laughed at me when I asked. Okay, sure I guess I will take 3:15. Right in the middle of my youngest (cranky ear infected, much needed) nap time. Thankfully the hubs came to the rescue saying he would just come home early and flex a few hours. Then I had to get online and print the forms (about 12 pages of them) with my own ink on my own paper, that I paid money for, and fill them out.

So off I finally went. After a chilly greeting (umh hello, do I not live in the south?) and staring at the ceiling (seriously, not even a good magazine) I was ushered back by a nurse who mumbled through a Jamaican accent. She was carrying a computer. She made me put down my bag, take off my shoes, and my sunglasses (?!) and step on the scale. I don't like typing on a computer while I am on a scale.

So we headed to the room. No eye contact, listed symptoms, blood pressure, take off sunglasses (for my BP?!). More typing, and she leaves, mumbling something.

Doctor in, with computer, no eye contact, no introduction, asked to list symptoms, I list them to no response. Typing. Finally she gets up looks in my ears and nose, then sits. Typing. No eye contact. Then she say let's get a sinus x-ray and then we'll go from there. Umh, a sinus x-ray???? Since when did they invent that, and when do they have it in office? I wanted to scream, no, I know what I have, don't make me pay, don't make me pay! But I said nothing, and went to the xray room. Same mumbling nurse, take off sunglasses.

Finally the doctor returns (with computer) to tell me, oh, that's right, I DO have a sinus infection (thank you Captain Obvious) and after trying to sell me on Z-Pak and telling her it has never worked on me she writes me a prescription for some other drug which I presume is a generic penicillin of some sort. Finally, the goods.

I drop off the prescription (of course Walgreen's is taking 1/2 an hour to fill them) and go home. Hubs to the rescue again goes and picks it up. Comes home to tell me the goods cost $130.00. There were no words. Jack had gotten antibiotics that morning and they were $9.00. Pharmacist tried to call the doctor, and surprise, couldn't reach them. And you can't exactly return a filled prescription.

I will not be returning to that doctor, and am already wincing at the very idea of the bill. We're trying to find a new one now, and there will be an interview process. It will consist of: do your nurses and doctors use computers?

I have been feeling rather conflicted recently. Chris tells me it's because I over analyze things.

So I grew up in a fairly affluent area. There was a row of BMW and Mercedes cars at my high school, as well as at our church. I was used to how people in the regular world dealt with money, mainly because they didn't know any better. But a lot of what I saw in the church really bothered me.

I always said I didn't want to have a lot of money, because I have seen what it can do to people. Not to mention the bible speaks over and over of the potential repercussions. It always seemed like something very dangerous to have, and I would have preferred to just stay away instead of figuring out how to handle with care.

Well it's amazing how having two children (and more in the future) to provide for, and living in the suburbs can change your mind.

I guess it was the naivete of my youth when I thought we could just do okay, and still be able to get our kids through college, and eventually build our dream home.

Problem is, I want to be able to put my kids in swimming lessons on a whim, and piano, and soccer, and baseball, and whatever else I or they want to be involved in. I want them to be able to go to any college that they want, and mom and dad not have to say no because of the accompanying price tag. And I want to build my dream house with a wrap around porch, six burner gas stove, double oven, commercial grade refrigerator, and a fun little loft are where my grand kids will love to explore.

But I don't want money.

But I want....

But I don't want money.

See the ridiculousness of my thoughts? Not to mention, my husband has just happened to get himself into a job that he is rather good at and continues to move up in and makes a bit more than that whole music minister gig would have.

So now I want... and eventually I could have... but I don't want money.

I would rather feed children in India or Africa than have a Coach bag. I think spending $30 on any shoes other than tennis shoes is extravagant. Probably 50% of my wardrobe is from Target, and if for some reason my husband wanted to go buy a BMW, I would cry over the amount of mission trips we could have gone on for that price tag, or the number of missionaries we could have supported, or the children we could have fed, or the people we could have given water, or the homeless we could have helped shelter, or the number of women we could have help escape sex trafficking.

But I could justify driving a brand new Acadia, and I'd be okay building that dream house, and I wouldn't argue a larger (okay, existent) clothes budget. Why is it that what I feel is acceptable is the standard? Maybe to someone a BMW is their low end choice as opposed to the Ferrari they really wanted.

That's just like God to make it all about the heart.

I'm struggling with becoming something I didn't want be, or wanting something I didn't want to want. Does that make me a bad person? Or is God humbling me, and reminding me that he showed me all the wrong things that can happen with money so I didn't make that mistake. Maybe not wanting to be that person is enough to not be.

I love how only the God of creation could write something so brilliant that it could touch and move anyone that reads it in a way that is unique to their heart.

I am currently amazed at this in how I get to relate the bible to Josh. We're in full fledged boy mode here at the Kelly's. I get shot on a daily basis, and bad guys are always being fought or chased.

Usually Chris and I tag team on bed times, he takes Josh and I handle Jack. With him out of town last week and this, I've been doing double duty. It's really nice to be able to get that time with Josh again though, I forgot how much I missed it.

Anyhow, since I have been putting him down, and I don't know Charlie stories (awhile back Chris started randomly making up stories about this guy named Charlie and his friends Jimmy, Ricky Bobby, and some other crazy names, there is a running story line of which I have not been apprised of it's developments) every night he asks me for a "God story".

What I love is that in the phase of his life right now, I can pick one of several dozen stories off the top of my head that can relate to him where he is at, and better yet, get him excited about God and what he does. His favorite is David (throwing a rock at a bad guy, please, no contest!), but he also is attentive to anything with bad guys, fighting, or soldiers. Lucky for me, that's like half the bible. At least. Tonight I told him how cool God is that he can take someone who is a bad guy, and make him good. I used the story of Saul/Paul to illustrate this (again, anything with rock throwing goes along way with a 4 yr old boy!).

I am enchanted with the fact that the same book that for years has romanced me and told me I was beautiful, showed me love in a thousand different forms, and is the ultimate love story, is the same book that is teaching my boy what it means to be a man, what a real fight looks like, what true strength is, and how to be a leader.

I am in awe of this books power and greatness, and the God, MY God, who wrote it.

So I'm hoping my summer break brings a slightly slower pace. We've been running around like crazy now for a couple of months. However my last ministry obligation that requires preparation will officially end as of tomorrow night. Weird. To have two months off. And then, even when it all starts up again, Josh will be in school. SCHOOL. Mind you it is technically preschool, but it's 4 days a week, it might as well be school. I'm still processing through the fact that he is four. School will be a whole other step I don't have to deal with until September.

Lots of thoughts about parenthood recently. It seems so ironic to me that I want so badly not to screw it all up, but at the same time have the knowledge that somehow, some where I'm going to. Maybe the sheer desire to want to give it my all and do my best will help me not to mess up, or at least not as badly as I would if I weren't intentional about it.

There's a line in the movie The Emperor's New Groove (side note: one of the best movies ever, for kids and for adults. so funny.) where the villain is talking about this person that just fired her and she is extremely upset with, she says "who does he think he is, I practically raised him!" and then her sidekick replies "yeah, you think he would have turned out better." It cracks me up how parents talk about their kids behavior in astonishment, like they have no idea how the behavior developed. Mind you their are a few cases that really are out of nowhere, but more often than not, the children learn from the parents.

Josh is stubborn, and loves being around people. If you know me, neither one of these is a big surprise that my child when have these charachteristics.

I really hope that when (I really think it's more a when and not "if") my kids start behaving in ways that I think are not good, that I can step back and instead of just getting upset with them for their behavior or actions or labeling them as a "difficult child", ask myself what I did, or am doing to create the situation where they feel the need to behave like that.

I want to be a reasonable, understanding, clear thinking, Godly minded parent. Lord willing. Hopefully the sheer understanding of knowing what it is like to not have that will help me have a propensity towards this.

Everything that is good in me came from God, and everything that's wrong is because of our parents. Lord help me!

It's been a rough week.

Earlier last week Josh was doing some of the worst misbehaving he had ever done. Jack also has at least two teeth coming in right. I was already pretty worn down, and then Thursday morning (about 3am) came and Josh started puking. He followed it up with several recurrences throughout the day, until late afternoon when he was finally feeling better. About that time I started to feel really crummy, I kept trying to ignore it, but by about 4pm I was over the toilet too. In fact I went there at least once an hour until about 10pm that night. And I'm sure you can guess, but Chris was sick with it by mid-afternoon the next day.

Somehow Jack didn't seemed to be affected by it (PTL!). It was rough, I don't think I have ever been that sick before that it didn't land me in the hospital, and Chris said he hadn't ever had anything this bad before, even while we lived in Ukraine.

As many of you know, Josh's birthday was Friday, and mine was yesterday. So far all celebrations have gone by the way side due to the destruction the stomach bug left in it's midst.

Just when I thought things were getting some what back to normal, I woke up to Chris coming over to tell me he tried to go into work, but before he was too far down the street his car started over heating and billowing smoke. Sweet.

It has just been one of those weeks where almost everything that can go wrong, has.

And in the midst of it all, I have been dealing with a very bad attitude. The suburbs have been affecting me in all sorts of negative ways, and I have no patience or grace to deal with any of the misfortune that we've dealt with.

It was not a good Sunday to have to miss church! Hopefully normalcy will be restored soon, along with my attitude!