I am awkward.

Sometimes I feel like I am going through a "teenager" type stage all over again.

I am trying to figure out who I am. But that doesn't sound right, because I know who I am, and am comfortable in it in my own little world, but whenever I walk out my door I feel like I am always struggling. Struggling to say the right thing, struggling to not say the wrong thing, struggling to fit in.

Which annoys me to even type. I am not a person that cares about fitting in.

Except I do. Mainly because I want to have friends. And I don't really care if I'm friends with the "cool kids" or not, I just want to find deep, intentional friendships. Why is that so freaking hard to find??? I know who I am, and I know what my beliefs and convictions, my talents and strengths are. Problem is, so far I can't find someone who lines up with most of that and wants to have a meaningful relationship, so I feel like I have to do this juggling act to figure out what I can do to make close friendship with me more desirable. I mean seriously, baking cupcakes and having theological conversations isn't enough?!

I hate being insecure and questioning myself so much, it's driving me crazy. It's driving my husband crazy.

Speaking of, I was away this weekend, and it reminded me how awesome he is. Not only is he my best friend, but I love that we have the same convictions. I think I have taken that for granted, but I realized this weekend how huge that is. I also love that we get convicted about things at the same time. It's awesome.

But back to my awkwardness. I think it makes me even more frustrated because I know there are people that I could just sit down with and immediately feel comfortable with. They are just several hundred miles away. As much as I love my husband and think he is a rockstar, I still need me some really good girl time. In person.

Sometimes I feel like the suburbs are way too close to high school.

"Every night, I tuck in our children. Lauren puts them down, reads them stories and then we tag and I go up. We pray and pray and talk. We have some conversations. Every night, I plead for the souls of my children. I plead for it. I plead for it. I am not going to be a good enough father to pull off salvation in my children's hearts. I'm not. I'm not going to be able to model it well enough. All I can do is commend His works to them. He's got to save them. So I plead with Him. Men and women who walk in pride, they don't need to plead for the lives of their children. You know why? Because they got it. Why would they need to plead? God forbid if their kid runs amok. You know what the issue was? The issue wasn't them; the issue was your kid. Your kid came into their life, influenced them into darkness and if you would have done a better job, if you would have watched what they watched, if you would have watched what they read, if you would not have allowed them to watch the “Smurfs” or whatever the Evangelical community is now saying is evil and wicked and after the souls of our children, if you would have done that, then in the end, “my kid would love the Lord, because I raised them to love the Lord. That's not how I raised them. Your kid was the issue.”"

Matt Chandler

If you were the perfect mother, there would be no need for the cross. If you did not sin against your children, against me, there would be no need for the cross. I died for that very sin.

Missy from It's Almost Naptime

Lord help me!!! Humble me, help me to see how much I need you every day, to ache for you, and cry out for you. Break me of my pride!

4 Therefore speak to them and tell them, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: When any Israelite sets up idols in his heart and puts a wicked stumbling block before his face and then goes to a prophet, I the Lord will answer him myself in keeping with his great idolatry. 5 I will do this to recapture the hearts of the people of Israel, who have all deserted me for their idols.' 6 "Therefore say to the house of Israel, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Repent! Turn from your idols and renounce all your detestable practices!

Ezekiel 14: 4-6

Show me my idols, so when I come to you, you see more than idolatry. Purge me of my idols so that when you look at me you see more than idolatry, and can talk to me and answer me without having to first deal with my idolatrous heart.

Capture my heart. Parent through me. Let me know at the end that it was nothing that I did, but by your grace and mercy!

I find it funny all of the presumptions and the "I nevers..." that I made before children. I laugh at my naivete now.


My first misconception was about life after children. Everyone would always tell us how life after children would never be the same. I would get so irritated (have I mentioned recently, I have pride issues?) and think that people didn't know us, and that we would be different. Why I thought I knew more than the 50 or so people that I encountered that told me this, I'm not sure. Oh, that's right, that little pride issue I mentioned. And having children does change your life, inexplicably.

Then I remember seeing parents with young kiddos in the stores. They would either be throwing fits, or running around, and I swore that I would never let my kids act like that. Anyone that has encountered Josh for more than 5 minutes is laughing right now.

These are just a few of my preconceived notions about parenting that I was way off on.


And yet the awareness of my lack of awareness has not helped me make any less promises to my self about my parental future.

I barely have my feet wet with this whole school and sports thing, and I already have a list full of intentions in this arena.

However, some ideas and expectations for my children and their future are good. Like them being expected to go to youth group, and Sunday church when they are older. Not making sports a priority over church and God. Having dinner together as often as humanly possible. Having family nights once a week.

So where are the lines between expecting the unrealistic, and having expectations worth striving and sacrificing for?

I'm still not quite sure, but I know it does include humility.

I needed to hear this:





All too often I forget than ministry is messy, and that while perfection is what we strive for, it something we will never obtain on earth. I need to be more patient with the imperfect.

I've also been enjoying being back into some theology books recently. One of my top loves. I've been reading C.S. Lewis' The Weight of Glory, and Tim Keller's The Reason For God. SO much good stuff.

Here is a quote from C.S. Lewis book that I loved, and I think hits a lot of the religious right.

(This is during WW II)
"A man may have to die for our country, but no man must in any exclusive sense, live for his country. He who surrenders himself without reservation to the temporal claims of a nation, or a party, or a class is rendering to Caesar that which, of all things, most emphatically belongs to God: himself."

And another great one:
"If all the world were Christian, it might not matter if all the world were uneducated. But, as it is, a cultural life will exist inside or not. To be ignorant and simple now- not to be able to meet the enemies on their own ground- would be to throw down our weapons, and to betray our uneducated brethren, who have, under God, no defense but us against the intellectual attacks of the heathen. Good philosophy must exist, if for no other reason, because bad philosophy needs to be answered."

I made the mistake of going to see Julie&Julia this weekend. I say mistake because it has plunged me back into a world that I was trying hard to keep at arms length.

The movie was so good. My new favorite. I had considered going by myself just to be without distractions and take it all in. I am glad I went with friends though. I just sat their with kind of a stupid grin on my face almost the entire movie enjoying every morsel of it's goodness. When it was over I just wanted to sit for awhile, taking it all in. Savoring the culinary greatness before me (along with Meryl's stunning portrayal).

But alas I had to go home. Home with my mind filled with such wonderful things like Le Cresuset dutch ovens, coq au vin, All Clad copper pots, beurre blanc, lobster Bearnaise, and pretty, pretty knives.

And this is why I said mistake. I have no Le Creuset, or copper pots. I cannot afford lobster. My culinary creativity has been stifled by fickle toddlers, a slightly limited palette from my husband (no mushrooms?), a time pressed schedule and grocery budget.

So for now I will amuse myself with peasant dishes (like Julia's ratatouille, on tonights dinner menu) and caramelized onions and Boursin on my grilled veggie panini for lunch. I will be elbow deep in dough this afternoon, and contemplating creative new kinds of cupcakes. Because flour and sugar are oh-so-cheap. I will thrive on the very occasional trip to a nice restaurant, and salivate for weeks on end about the memory of the last one, and the luscious dishes to come at the next.

So this is why I will urge you to go see this movie with caution. If you aren't a food lover, than go, maybe it will ignite your senses to a wondrous world you were previously in the dark about. But if you already consider yourself a "foodie" and the sight of a well made pastry sets heartbeat a little faster, than I will just say, you have been warned.

I just saw an interview with Jim Carey where he was talking about his upcoming movie The Christmas Carol (based on the book by Charles Dickens) and he refers to it as "one of the greatest stories of redemption ever written".

Um, no. I'm pretty sure that was The Bible.

I just got offered the possibility of pretty much my dream "job" (because it involves work, but I don't get paid for it) but I am not sure I can take it.

I have this problem of being passionate about a lot of things and not being able to do them all at once. At least not well.

I want to be able to make some extra money by baking cupcakes, be a great mom, lead my small group of high school girls and be there for them when they need me, be a great wife, keep my house fairly clean, have a healthy good meal on the table every night, and be involved in my bible study and attend a small group.

I really wish I could do it all. If it weren't for the whole house and meal thing, I think it would be close call.

So do I say yes because I really want to do it, and think it would be awesome to do it, or do I wait and pray for better timing. Sigh. Such big decisions accompany adulthood. Sometimes my brain hurts from so many of them.