Externally Processing My Way Through Life

2011-10-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just want to curl up in bed and cry. And sometimes you are so numb tears won't even come.

Tonight I stood alone in my kitchen washing 4 of my china bowls. China that my grandma gave to me. My grandma who was very much like my mother in law, who got along great with my mother in law. My grandma who my mother in law prayed for. My grandma and my mother in law, both women who taught me so much about being a mom, wife and housekeeper. Who were like moms to me in so many ways.

Both women who I've lost.

I washed the china, that I had served apple crisp drizzled with salted caramel sauce to my father in laws new girlfriend to and waited for the tears to come.

But there are none today.

Today I feel almost numb to the pain. Numb and bewildered by the pain and brokeness in the world.

I know God is loving and merciful and full of grace. I know He has a plan. I scream to myself I KNOW YOU HAVE A PLAN! Just show me....help me to understand. Help me to understand why you would take two women who meant so much to me away. Help me to understand how in the midst of grief we now have to deal with a new pain and confusion and hurt and divisions in our family. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

How can you ask us to give our whole being to our spouse, to be spiritually, emotionally and physically united, completely devoted...loving as You have loved and yet in an instant You can take them away? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Now the tears come.

Pain. Fear. Grief. Loneliness. Confusion.

And yet I must stay strong. For my husband who is emotionally drained and is about ready to walk back in the door after hard conversations. For my kids who still miss their GaGa and are confused.

I keep going, and I remember. I remember how in the darkness that was Ukraine when I felt as though no good could come...you brought life from ashes. How after months of praying, when almost all hope was lost...you answered with a crazy plan. How when I though things were irreparable you made beautiful things out of dust. How when you were in the garden, you weren't grieving the loss of life, you were grieving the separation you would experience. That you would experience so through you we would never have to have separation, from You or our loved ones who trust in You.

You can do the impossible and unthinkable and you make all things new. So I wait.

PLEASE come.

2011-08-02T10:27:00.001-07:00

There are moments in our lives where God seems to briefly open our eyes to the stench that is the wickedness evil and sin that dwells in our hearts. It seems like we only get a glimpse and then remaining memory of the repulsiveness haunts us for a time. Just the memory alone is enough to prompt us to repentance and further indwelling in His Spirit. Then before we know it the memory fades.

I'm sure if we had our eyes fully opened we would be overwhelmed with despair at the state of our own hearts and sink into a great depression, so only a glimpse is given.

I hate that the memory fades. While I have had many glances of my depravity (and happening to be getting a pretty good look at it currently) I want the repulsiveness of sin to affect me more permanently. I want to be more desperate for Him and His grace constantly, not just a quick pick me up until I can handle it again.

Maybe the problem is less my memory but more my lack of right viewing. The closer we are to the Lord and His glory the more we see ourselves and our hearts as they truly are. Maybe the problem is that I'm not dwelling close enough to his glory.

Either way today I am getting a painful glimpse into my hearts sinful nature. A tendency towards bitterness and jealousy, insecurity and pride. It's not a pretty picture. The most frustrating part is several of these areas are ones that I am continuously struggling with. The enemy is unrelenting in His ploys ton keep me beaten down in these areas as well. yet I haven't figured out his tricks and find myself in similar situations over and over and over again.

I'm so tired and discouraged by it all. I hate the sin in my life and yet honestly it doesn't seem like the Lord is going to get anywhere with me. Sometimes I feel like a hopeless case and one of His difficult children that makes Him want to bang His head against the wall.

Thankfully I find verse like this that give me some hope:

"Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity and passing over transgression for the remnant of his inheritance? He does not retain his anger forever, because he delights in steadfast love. He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. You will show faithfulness to Jacob and steadfast love to Abraham, as you have sworn to our fathers from the days of old."

Micah 7:18-20

2011-07-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

I love the honesty that a relationship and not a religion allows you.

Sometimes I feel a bit smothered in the South. Well, let's be honest...I felt smothered in the Midwest and the North as well. I just put myself out there and apparently that's pretty strange. I don't believe in pretension. Being pretentious isn't going to help me or anyone else.

Choosing to put myself, who I am, what I've been through, what I've struggle with out there will not only build real relationships quicker, it will also benefit those who are in and/or struggling with the same things.

That's pretty rare down here. Thankfully I've found a few people who are willing to make that leap but it's much more common to keep your mouth shut and always be "good" or "fine". To always be polite and act happy even if you feel like your world is falling apart. To never fight with your husband, struggle with your children, or be frustrated with your circumstances. But that's not life, nor is it me.

For instance right now is just a hard period. There has been a lot of loss and death change and frustration in the last year plus. I know mentally that in everything God is working for my good. I know that in my head, but right now it feels awful hard to communicate that to my heart.

I love that when a sermon just rocks me and I start being really honest with God that I CAN. That I can tell Him that right now, all of this...it doesn't feel like love. Loosing my grandma and my MIL in one year, two of the only women in my life that encouraged as a mom, and a believer and in staying at home, that would just let me call and clear my head and be there and listen and give wise counsel....having them gone doesn't feel like love.

Feeling called to place and then to have nothing but frustration and hurt and confusion while trying to serve....that doesn't feel like love.

And then after pouring your heart out about how right now His love doesn't feel very loving and knowing He hears you, being able to fall on Him in trust and faith that every time before you've felt like this He has walked you through it and shown you how it was His love. Trusting that someday it will all make sense and be worth it. Trusting that He's heartbroken watching my tears. Trusting.

Because He who has begun a good work in me will bring it to completion.

Back

2011-06-23T10:56:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm back. Not that there is anyone that still reads this...but I think that's kind of why I'm back. And among other circumstances that have changed and are going to change.

It's been just over a year and a lot has changed in that time. You can catch up on some of that if you like by checking out our family blog.

I am not about the business of catching up, or maintaining here. This was, and always has been a place for me to come and mentally vomit all over a page and clear my head.

So let's get on with it.

I think I've been reading Ecclesiastes too much. Life is feeling very much as though there is nothing that hasn't been done. Some days, weeks, months or even years we are painfully aware of the fact that we don't belong here, and life on this earth is just not quite right. Ever. And even in those glorious moments where everything falls in to place and you breathe deeply and try to imprint it in your memory, we aren't experiencing greatness in this life, we are getting a breath of heaven and it's glory.

A relationship doesn't make life right, school doesn't make life right, a marriage doesn't make life right, kids don't make life right, friends don't make life right, and the perfect church (which doesn't exist) does not make life right. We are supposed to ache and long for something more and so God allows us to experience the imperfection in this world leaving us yearning for Him and heaven.

Sometimes I beg for more wisdom and insight to understand and the only answer I get is not here. You can't and won't understand here, but soon my child it will all make sense. I wish I had the faith to leave it at that at stop seeking sense from it all.

How I long for the day when everything falls into place and I get it. No more being in my head trying to solve the unsolvable. It will just all click, and He will be creator, perfector and all knowing. Just as He always has been, only I couldn't see it clearly through the cloud of sin we live in.

Bowing Out

2010-06-04T11:47:00.001-07:00

As I said a couple of months ago, I've been wondering for awhile if I should keep up my personal blog. There's this line of wanting to share more, and not being able to...and yet it still seems that some times I share too much.

Between that and the fact that let's be honest- I haven't exactly been making the most frequent of appearances around here, I'm bowing out of my personal blog. I will still keep the family one and my business one going if you want glimpses into our lives, but my rants and raves are for the most part over.

I've had a four year run and it's been nice.

I started blogging when I had no one else to talk and no sounding board. Too often I took my thoughts here instead of to God, and externally processed into a virtual world instead of to Him.

Life is different now.

I'm so grateful to be in a place where I have friends, and a womens group, and a church. To be in a place where I get poured into and further equipped to pour out to others and give back. I feel like for the first time in a long time I'm in the midst of a community of believers acting as the church.

It's been 5 years since I've lived in the same city as some of my closest friends, and about 8 since I was at the same place in life as them. I'm so grateful to have that again. The difference this time is knowing what a gift it is. I'm not taking it for granted and doing my best to be intentional and to give more than I get.

So I'm investing more in that, and more in being a mom, and my budding business. In real life that gives back.

Too often my thoughts on here have been conversations meant to be between just me and the Lord. They needed not have been public, and rarely good came from them being public. My overflow of thought should always be taken to Him. And we're working on that (or should I say He is working on me!)

That said I've had a few of you that cheered me on through many situations and for that I am extremely grateful. You gave me encouragement when it was hard to come by.

So without any further adieu, I bid goodbye to this blog. It's been real.

2010-05-19T12:21:00.000-07:00

*Sigh*

Finally a chance to get all (or at least some) of my thoughts out. I really wanted to do it in the moment, or at least sooner to every thing going down, but life did not afford me that.

The evening after I wrote my last post I got a call from my mom telling me my grandma (dad's mom) had gone into the hospital. She's had two bypass surgeries and a couple of heart attacks. She's a tough broad, and I wasn't too concerned, nor were me parents. Or the doctors, because they didn't get her in for an MRI until the next morning. After seeing that they realized she was having an aortic aneurysm and rushed her into surgery. I got a call in the afternoon informing me of all of this and that she still had several hours to go.

While in the middle of leading my small group I got a call from my sister letting me know she was bleeding out in surgery. My grandma's on lots of blood thinners, I knew it wasn't good. While going to pick up my boys my mom called to tell me she hadn't made it. I broke down. It was so sudden and unexpected. I'm so thankful I had friends that immediately started praying over me.

Thankfully we had already been planning on leaving Saturday to go to STL for my cousins wedding. We moved up the departure time, and helped with funeral details.

See my grandma wasn't just my grandma. She was my name sake, my confidant and my friend. We were pretty close. Not to mention, I've never had any one close to me die before so this was uncharted waters for me.

I honestly wasn't completely confident of her salvation. We had talked about faith, but it had never been point blank asked. God was SO good to give me peace in that. At the visitation some of her dear friends from her neighborhood came over to me. They told me they wanted me to know they rushed to the hospital Tuesday night and point blank asked her, she said she was a Christian and that she prayed every night, that she knew Him, and she knew He knew her, then they told me she proceeded to talk about me and how my faith had influenced her. I am so grateful to the Lord for knowing what a peace that would give and making sure I heard those words through the Body of Christ.

In the process of details it unfolded that Chris was playing piano for the service, and he also ended up randomly being the "officiator". I can't remember being more in awe, impressed and in love with my husband on one day as I was then. He completely allowed the Holy Spirit to indwell in him and speak through him. Not only did he honor my grandma and what she was about, but he LAID OUT the gospel in a largely unbelieving room. He even looked my grandpa (agnostic) in the eye as he gave the gospel. I know God is going to use what Chris said. It was so incredible to see him walk in such faith and submission that day.

There was an open mike time where people got up to speak. I said something, but I didn't feel like I was very eloquent, or quite did justice to her. Mainly because I was crying the whole time. Any how, here is what I would have said had I been composed enough:

My grandma always used to tell me I was just like her. No teenager wants to hear she is like someone old so I usually just brushed it off. In the past several years my grandma and I have become very close. Her tenacity and how she handled moving multiple times gave me strength and wisdom as I was going through similar circumstances. She had a way of listening that was so non-judgemental. She would usually have her opinions about what I told her, but she would always let me finish and then would tell me what she thought matter of factly. No more drama after that, she had said her peace and I could do with it what I wanted. I always appreciated her honesty and directness.

As I've grown I've noticed things about her that a younger more self absorbed person doesn't tend to see. She is always giving. Rarely expecting any thing back. Every one who knows my grandma has something she has made for them. Those that really know her have difficulty storing all that she has made or given them. If she hears about a need she drops every thing to help meet it. Whether it be quilts for a cancer center, a weeks worth of food for a neighbor or just helping to pick someone up, she was some one you could always rely on. The way she served others was remarkable.

She was super thrifty as well. My grandma used to be the coupon queen, and always had a coupon for every thing. She di ligently served her family and helped save money in this way. While she had gotten away from doing it as consistently in the past few years there was never a time she sent a package to me that didn't have a diaper coupon in it. Also, instead of throwing out papers, magazines and other publications she though of others even as she read. Dad got the Rush Limbaugh papers after she was done and I got all the cooking magazines. And if she saw an article in the paper she thought you would like she cut it out and sent it to you.

She was also super crafty. One Christmas we got a suitcase full of handmade barbie doll clothes. All self created. She has made hundreds of quilts and afghans, and any thing else she could figure out to sew. She saw no need to buy some thing you could make yourself and because she was the one who made it for you, you loved it even more.

She was also wonderfully organized and planning oriented. You knew what she wanted, when she wanted you to be there and what she wanted you to bring. It made life so simple. The only reason my closets are the least bit organized is due to her affinity for making me clean mine out every time she came to visit. Even in the last few days before her passing her planning was a blessing. She had Chris', mine and both of the boys birthday presents wrapped ready to go with cards on it. Now I can keep and treasure her last gifts and the last words she wrote to me and the boys. As my husband said well in his talk "she always knew what you were going to need before you needed it." She knew an education in organization would lend a life time full of use. She was right. Like she was most of the time.

Just like she was right when she said I was just like her. I so am. And I am so proud to be. Crafty, organized, service oriented, and thrifty. I love to create things, grow things and cook things. I'm also stubborn, strong willed, tenacious and outspoken, just like she was.

Grandma was big about passing things on that meant a lot to her. While I can try to do that with the physical things she left, more importantly I want to do that with her memory. My children will know GG Sue was a big part of who I was, and in turn who they are. They'll know the attributes of her they have in them, and why that's such a blessing.

I'm going to miss my grandma. She was someone safe I could talk to, and share things with I hadn't told others about. She understood me in a way that no one else can. She poured so much wisdom and love into my life. I am a better person because of her, and proud to be just like her.

2010-04-27T08:21:00.000-07:00

To say there is a lot going on in life right now may be a bit of an understatement.

I really dislike when I have a lot going on and yet am craving time to just be in the word...or books about His word and spending time with God. I just want to sit, and be for at least an hour... without falling asleep.

Maybe it's because God is doing a lot in our lives right now.

For the first time in five year Chris and I are both plugged into our own individual small groups, a small group with couples, and are serving the body.

We both love it, but at the same time during all that spiritually stagnant time (a.k.a. Connectisuck) there were areas we slacked off in, or strongholds we allowed Satan to form. So along with involvement has come a lot of coming back to where we once were, and working to break through those strongholds.

I feel like my mind is just now beginning to fire on some of the cylinders it used to run on. I used to be filled with lots of deep theological and philosophical ponderings, and while I still have those thoughts they are more simple (because as much as people try to complicate it, I think our faith and the questions it brings up really is rooted in simplicity), or consumed with issues more applicable to my day to day life, like marriage and children.

I think the biggest areas God is helping me gain freedom in is insecurity, and finances. Finances seem like a silly one, so let me explain a bit.

I have swung to both extremes in the view of money. Growing up in a well-to-do high school where Coach purses were low end, and there were rows of BMW and Mercedes in the parking lot, I became very materialistic...and very aware of what money did. After Ukraine, I swung to the other extreme, judging those who drove the BMW's and bought designer purses (especially those within the church). I didn't want to have any money because I saw what it did, I viewed it as evil, not as a gift from God and a tool to glorify Him.

Both extremes unhealthy. Besides, now I'm somewhere in the middle. We don't drive a BMW, but we are by no means poor (no matter how Dave and our budget some times makes us feel). We don't want to live like no one else so we can live like no one else (Dave's motto). We want to live like no one else, so we can help others live. So we're working on honoring God with our finances. And for us that means more than tithing. My attitude towards money was very off and God is helping me work through my issues towards it. And trusting Him with it, and to provide it. This also goes back to a lot of worry issues for me that being a planner I'm prone to.

It's amazing how in working through finance issues, I'm dealing with so many other related issues (insecurity, lack of trust, selfishness, pride...), so I feel like there's a whole slew of struggles I'm just at the tip of.

With insecurity, I feel like I am just at the beginning of what will more than likely be a life long process of fighting for freedom in this area. It's a fickle one to fight through. In the process of working through my issues with it I find myself focusing all too often on me. My hurts, my triggers, my thoughts...and while some of it is helpful, to gain insight on what has made me who I am and the choices I make...it's not okay to stay self focused (my issue with existentialism, but that's another post). We are supposed to be Christ focused, with our thoughts and actions. So after I spend so much time processing through what brought about the result of my current personhood, I must be quick to relate it back to Christ and regain my focus.

Even though looking back gains insight, I need to look up to remind me of why I've dealt with and been formed into what I am. To glorify God.

I've heard people talk about needing salvation just as much now as the day they were first saved. I actually find myself even more dependent on it now. I am more aware now of how completely repulsive my heart is, because Christ has entered my life. Each day He gives me more awareness to the sin that lives within, unclouding my vision, making it more like His.

All that to say...here's hoping for some down time on the 10hour drive to get some extended JC time. It's all up to the kiddos. At least I don't have to drive. And after a 18hour drive up to Philly, and a 15hour drive home, that is something!

2010-04-21T12:53:00.000-07:00

I know I have a whole mission trip to post on...but I'm not sure I can do it justice now. Actually, I'm not sure you can ever do those trips justice with words. It's just something you have to experience.

Any how the gist of it is, I feel torn. Torn between missions and ministry and my heart for that and my current call for the season to be a great mom and wife and to invest in my family. It's a hard line to walk and I feel like I'm always leaning to hard to one direction.

I feel like I'm taking too much time way or neglecting my family when I do the level of ministry that I want, and when I throw myself into my family and neglect serving I feel like I've lost a part of myself.

I think this is the tight rope walk of parenthood. We have to give up some of ourselves and desires to be good parents, but we must maintain outside connection and activities to not loose ourselves in our children...who need to learn to be self sufficient and will eventually be gone.

Other than torn...it was a great trip. Different from others (in it's essence and location) but mainly because I had a different role. Instead of being the main participant or helping create the tone of the trip, I went as a leader which ended up being more of a directing role.

I helped plan and communicate the ideas of VBS each day, but other than that the students ran the show. The first day I tried to help set the tone by jumping into conversations with others and working hard, but after that I tried to back off and make sure the students had every opportunity to be the ones communicating and interacting.

I felt like I was there more to serve the students and enable them to have an impactful trip. One that hopefully opened their eyes and gave them the desire to do more.

And I think that was the best part. Getting to see mainly 15 year olds jumping into conversations with intimidating people, listening, praying, helping. Not being afraid to do some hard work and stepping up and taking leadership. Especially my girls. I know their struggles and hang ups, and to get to see them work through those and take huge steps that week was awesome. It was a reminder of the opportunity I have every single week I help lead them to make an impact.

I wish I could write notes to all of their leaders and parents telling them how proud they should be at what their students did that week. I was especially blown away by the guys. I pray that Josh and Jack will be in the same place as some of our students at that age. I got to hear 15 year old guys talking about their parents with respect and admiration and see them step into leadership roles...they were respectful of the girls and of the leaders. So neat to see.

So that's the summation of the trip. God is good.

2010-04-01T19:26:00.000-07:00

Wow. It has been quite the last few weeks, filled with a lot of ups and downs.

First off let me tell you how much I love my job. The one I actually make money with, not the one that involves more work! It took five years to discover something that I could do successfully from home and almost six to get where I was being somewhat consistent about how much I brought in.

I dropped a cupcake cake off tonight and the 12 year old who it was for ran out and exclaimed "awesome, that's exactly what I wanted!" Which if you know many 12 year old girls, then you know that's a big deal. Not to mention, I'm kind of self-conscious about the looks of what I make. The area I feel like I nail it out of the park on is taste. So if I won them over with looks...just wait until they taste it!

I feel SO blessed and grateful to be able to stay at home and still help bring in some extra income doing something I love!

Especially since we have started Dave Ramsey's FPU. It's kicking our butts. There are good days, and hard days, but we have made some pretty big changes and set some pretty big goals. We canceled our Dish. And shipped off our DVR. That's a big sacrifice for us. We're trying to honor God with our finances and be smarter and wiser about what we do with them. I wish someone had told us some of this stuff before we got married!

I've also almost finished Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity. That book has taken me through the ringer. It's definitely in my top 3 life changing books! I'm already ready to read it again. Of course any area you try seek freedom in Satan usually tries to attack you in, and in true form he had me pretty bruised last week.

It might have been because the weather where a lot more skin is showing has arrived, or because two of the people that make me feel most insecure called and made some fun comments, or because I was feeling like a failure in a couple of areas....no matter what it was he took advantage of it.

I'm doing better this week, but I've also been saying "she is clothed with strength and dignity" every couple of minutes as well! Of course right before I'm getting ready to leave on a mission trip when I should NOT be focusing on myself and mentally and prayerfully preparing for what's ahead, he messes with me. Jerk.

Every one keeps asking if I'm excited for my trip. The truth is: I haven't even had time to think about it. And when I do I get....you guessed it- insecure. I know it sounds dumb, but it's been 7 years since I've been on a mission trip. That is a long stinking time. Not to mention the last trip didn't exactly end in the smoothest of fashion, and I had about 3 months of emotional recovery that followed it.

I don't have enough scripture memorized, I'm out of touch with apologetics, I don't know how best to minister in an inner city type environment, and I'm supposed to be leading my girls in how to do this?!?! Thank goodness these things aren't about me. In fact I think the top thing I always leave from trips like this feeling is *humbled*. By what I have, by what I've been given, for grace and mercy, and JESUS. Besides, I think going in knowing I'm not prepared and I'm not ready is exactly where I need to be. Because if I feel confident in my abilities, then I will rely on those, and not seek Him in and before all I do on this trip.

I'm ready to transition....to focus on tomorrow, and SUNDAY, and the fact that not 5 hours after the greatest celebratory day of our faith I get to leave to put it into action. We may not get to dye eggs this year, or even have as cool of Easter baskets, heck I may not even where a dress on Sunday...but I do get the opportunity to go tell people that HE ROSE. And if my kids remember nothing else about this Easter, hopefully they'll remember that mommy left to go tell about what Jesus did on Sunday.

Please pray for me. For humility, grace, patience, kindness, wisdom, strength, rest, safe travels, words and compassion. To be able to pour myself out, and leave knowing I gave my all there. No regrets. To lead well and know the time to step in and the time to step back. To love beyond my own capabilities. To show Christ to those who don't know Him.

2010-03-08T12:37:00.000-08:00

I've discovered the key to marital bliss and raising children well. But you're not going to like it.

It's selflessness. As in the opposite of being selfish. dictionary.com defines it as: having little or no concern for ones self.

Let's just say in ministry there are lots of conflicts and issues we seem to find ourselves surrounded by or immersed in. And I haven't seen one yet where the issue wasn't someone in the picture was being too selfish. Self focused.

Although let me be clear, while I think selflessness is important I think this means focusing less on ourselves, not loosing ourselves. I think we as moms in particular have a tendency towards this. Finding our identity, and sole purpose in being a mom. That's not good either. While we may be called to be moms and wives that is not our sole purpose, or else God will take us home when our kids reach 18. We as women have the opportunity to impart life to many, not just our husband and kids.

However I think for most of us our tendency is towards being self focused. Nine times out of ten when I am feeling frustrated in my marriage it's because I am being self focused. When I take time to stop focusing on myself and my needs or wants, nine times out of ten my marriage is happier. I know not every one's situation is like this, but I think more often than not it helps. Same with parenting. When I start getting to the point where I just want to lock myself in a room (or literally have to in order to have a conversation), when I step back and try to focus more on my kids needs they magically start behaving better.

It's not easy.

I've heard people say that each stage of life teaches you more about God and Christ, which is why they created institutions like marriage and parenthood. I can totally see that. Especially with kids.

I think a good 60% of parenting is consistent boundaries. For about 4 years I have been telling Josh some of the same things. He still doesn't listen to a lot of them, but there are some he does now like clockwork. I ask him to do something and about 70% of the time he does it. The FIRST time. This never happened two years ago. But we were persistent, and held our lines.

God gives us guidelines too. We ignore them or turn away but He always finds away to put them back in front of us and remind us of them. He holds His line, and eventually (hopefully!) we come around. My struggles from five years ago are not the same as they are now (except for pride, but I think this is the root of most sin and one I will battle until I die). I have grown and matured.

But Boundaries aren't easy. To draw or to hold to. It's not easy to change the game on people by creating new boundaries. It's not easy to enforce them either, particularly on little blond haired boys with adorable blue eyes who have the sweetest smile ever created, but still keep telling you "no". Or telling your husband your sorry for how you treated him and that you were out of line (have I mentioned I have pride issues?!). I've also had to ask forgiveness many a times for stepping over boundaries God created I never thought I would cross. Doing these things involves selflessness.

Not going out all time and leaving your spouse with the kids, not zoning out when your kids are craving interaction, not sitting on the computer for an hour when your spouse has asked to talked to you...not focusing on your self.

Focusing on the bigger picture. God's bigger picture. For you, for your marriage, for your children, grandchildren and generations down the road. We have the opportunity to do things right, to change what has been done before, to create a new standard. But it takes not focusing on ones self. Giving up ones self and focusing on the One who gave us self for His purpose.

2010-03-04T14:14:00.001-08:00

Josh had a field trip this morning to a pizza place. They got to make their own pizzas, see how they were made, and then eat a lot of it.

I always enjoy field trips and parties because it gives me the opportunity to interact with the parents. That may make me sound like a big dork. Most of you know I'm pretty social, but it's also one of the few times I get to hang out with non-believers. I like those opportunities.

One lady I was talking to who I've chatted with before was joking around with me (because I was taking so many pictures) and said I was probably a blogger, and a scrapbooker since I am so "with it". The blogger comment threw me (since, hello...) but I quickly corrected her on the scrapbooking. I think making homemade sugar cookies with all the kids names on it for Valentine's Day gave me a bad rap.

I was slightly amused by the comment. Because in my life I feel like I don't seem to have any of it together. I've got a dozen balls juggling and at any point one could drop.

I found it very entertaining that somehow I could be perceived as being "with it".

But how many of us think that of other people? I know I have a few people in my life who always seem calm, collected, organized and "with it". Isn't it funny how we perceive things? I seem "with it" because I take lots of pictures, make cookies and blog. The only reason I made cookies for Josh's class is because I was already making them for cupcakes and it made my life easier. I spent all day making his and 5 dozen other cookies completely neglected my children and had to go out for dinner that night. My pictures make it to Facebook at best and haven't been printed out for anything other than grandparents. And the only reason I blog is to remember what the heck is going on in my life and get the overflow of thoughts out of my head.

I've been reading "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. It's changing my life. I knew I was insecure in some areas, but thought I did a pretty good job of keeping it under control. Until I read her definition of insecurity. Then I realized I was a hot mess who was ready to have a breakdown at any given point. Her definition virtually pegged me to a tee.

I don't have it together. No one does. That's why we have a savior and why we need saving and grace.

I'm tired of creating standards in my head to live up to and making other people my yardstick to measure up to.

Hoping the book tells me how to stop : )

2010-02-23T10:27:00.000-08:00

Life is crazy right now. In fact, I shouldn't' even be typing this...however I need to empty my brain a bit.

Business is crazy. Which is good, but an adjustment on our family life. Between that and some other big changes going on there may be some big changes/transitions going on in our lives. Not to mention being a parent to a school aged child is apparently demanding. We're learning.

Speaking of business being busy, this means more people are knowing who I am. Which is okay, except for the fact that I do not want a bunch of strangers reading my personal thoughts. I'm giving even more consideration to making this blog private, or at least where you have to be logged in with your approved (by me) email to access it.

Life seems kind of hard today. Mainly because there are people in my life that I love that it's hard for. While it makes me feel so grateful and blessed for what I have...it also make me feel small and helpless and very aware of Satan's presence in our world.

This is not our home.

Praise the Lord. Life and love seem so very fragile right now.

I also find it interesting how much ministry Chris and I seem to do even though we are not in ministry (career wise, this is a whole rant I could do about how we all should be in ministry despite what our other professions are). Which I love, but sometimes it's rough to do the difficult part of ministry and not get to see as much of the great side of it. Not to mention it takes a lot of time and heart.

Speaking of time. I'm out of it. Sorry for the randomness, but it is the essence of me.

2010-02-09T13:52:00.000-08:00

I feel so blessed today.

I've been going through something recently and felt really convicted in our small group last night that I needed to tell someone. So I did, mainly to ask for prayer about an answer I was waiting for.

A sweet friend unexpectedly came over to pray over/for me, and about the answer. Not even five minutes after she left I got a call about the answer, with the outcome we had been praying for. How awesome is that?

I love how quickly and obviously God chooses to at times show Himself. I also am in awe of how at specific moments He shows you just how big and awesome His love is and that it's specific for you and what you are going through.

Last night in small group we worked through Acts 4:23-37. In that passage we went over three important things the disciples did that we should try to replicate in our own live on a consistent basis, but most importantly in times of crisis and difficulty.

The disciples had just been thrown in jail and threatened by the rulers of their province, and upon their release the first thing the did was to gather other believers and pray. And not praying for supplication and protection, but adoring God and acknowledging who He was and asking for His will to be done.

Also through their prayer they acknowledged God's sovereignty. That He was sovereign over their being in jail, and sovereign over their being threatened and sovereign over their release, so they would continue to proclaim His name and sovereignty.

Finally they experienced gospel community. Giving to one another as one had need and no one in their midst was needy. I imagine "needy" doesn't just mean financially, but emotionally as well. And it wasn't without sacrifice this happened. People had to give of themselves and their possessions to make it happen.

So with those three points the question was asked: in what area do you most struggle with? Immediately going to God in prayer, acknowledging His sovereignty over the situation, or being willing to give of yourself and your resources for the sake of gospel community?

I think there are several facets of each that you could struggle with but I think my top two are prayer and sovereignty. I'm an external processor, so when something happens my immediate response is to call Chris, or a friend, or blog about it while only mentioning it to God briefly or in passing. I want my first reaction to be to go to Him and have those long deep externally processing conversations and then to go to His word and allow Him to guide me to His wisdom and answers.

Also, I think when difficulty arises all too often my first response is "why me"? Matt Chandler has inspired me so much in that area and given me a picture of what real life faith looks like. I want my immediate response to be "why not me"? and to be that of acknowledging God's sovereignty in the situation and understanding His glory will be achieved through it or He wouldn't have allowed it to happen. I want to "suffer well".

So much to work on. So thankful I have a savior that is with me every step of the way, occasionally reminding me of His very steady presence by my side.

2010-02-08T11:08:00.000-08:00

I love it when God takes over the shuffle application on my iPod. He always makes the best mixes.

On a music related note here are some songs that mess me up:

This one is my life anthem. I could begin and end with this song every single day. The lyrics are perfection and what I hope my heart will be like in the good times and bad. During difficult times I "have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" and during the good "the seed I've received I would sow".

There isn't a link to it because I don't think it's been released by a record label but you can find it on her MySpace page. Christy Nockels song called "Elliana". It's all about her daughter, and it makes me cry every time I hear it. The chorus: "to mother a daughter to look you in the eye, to know that I did everything to walk with you in life, to give you to Jesus that He would impart the wisdom that I'm longing for to mother your heart, Elliana...God has answered my prayers" is my heart as a mom and the longing that I feel in wanting a daughter.

Faith My Eyes by Caedmon's Call/Derek Webb

This song has been with me through some serious change, and about 4 serious moves so it holds a special place in my heart. "I get turned around, I mistake my happiness for blessing, and I'm blessed as the poor, but still I judge success by how I'm dressing, so keep on coming these lines on the road, keep me responsible, be it a light or heavy load, keep me guessing these blessings in disguise and I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes."

Those are few song on mylife long playlist. What are yours?

2010-02-04T12:23:00.000-08:00

I need to listen to this every day.

Matt Chandler is a rock star, and I love him for being so bold in his preaching. Christ has used him to speak to longings in my heart that I couldn't verbalize until after listening to Chandler. There isn't one time I have listened to one of his messages and haven't been deeply impacted or convicted. I love that he can speak such wisdom to me, someone who knows the big theology words and theories, and yet every one of his messages proclaims the gospel for those who don't know Christ. A perfect bridge between speaking to the "lost" and teaching the believers. And I want to be his wife's BFF.

I love his thoughts on the issue of marriage and what being a Godly woman looks like.

I hope I meet the majority of the qualifications, and felt very blessed that my husband is someone who lives out most of what he believes are important qualifications of a Godly husband.

This will be one of the best 45 minutes you could spend.

2010-02-01T14:07:00.000-08:00

And a sinus infection to top it all off. For the love of Pete.

Despite half of the family recovering from an infection of some sort, this afternoon has been relatively pleasant. I say afternoon and not day because this morning was filled with waiting at the doctors office. And if anyone has ever been to the doctors with two cooped up boys than you know why I left it to this afternoon.

The boys and I made crafty Valentine's Cards together and built a fort. Josh spent more craft time while Jack was sleeping and enjoyed the rare treat of getting to use markers.

I was reading this blog, my new favorite and was convicted about how uptight I am. I grew up in a house that was messy all the time, and I'm not sure if it was that or the aforementioned planning oriented, firstborn, Type A with minor OCD tendencies that's in me or the fact that the hubs is even more of a neat freak than I am that doesn't like messes.

And seriously, it's not like I don't already have my fair share of messes with two boys running around, so why add to the problem right? Wrong. Her blog inspires me. I want to be willing to do crazy things like let my kids splash and swim in mud puddles and take pictures of it. I want to let my boys stand in the window and jump off of their bed into a pile of pillows and blankets (which were probably clean and folded).

I'm still getting used to this whole boy thing. It's not easy to handle when you had no idea what you were in for. I grew up with a sister, and didn't play with boys that much. I don't get why everything is turned into a gun and why they want to blow things up. I don't get the fascination with matchbox cars and the joys they bring. I don't understand why they have to test everything (i.e. push the tip of a toy airplane repeatedly into the couch cushions to see if it will tear or drop something glass to see if it will break, use a sharpie on the couch to make sure it works... I think you get the idea).

I don't understand. But I'm trying. And while I may not understand it all at this moment, I need to be more free about letting them do their thing, because they seem to understand just fine what it is they are supposed to be about. Fighting, protecting, exploring, rescuing, GOING.

So I'm going to try to let loose more. I think Mondays will be my designated day for that. It's usually our rest day and the only day Josh isn't at school. I'm going to try to come up with something each week that let's them unabashedly be boys. And try to not worry about the consequences on my house.

Random side note: To be honest, I'm not sure why (or if) people read my blog. I know there's a random few, but it's because they love me. I don't write for people to read. I write because I'm an external processor. I've got a lot in my head and it makes my life easier if I can get it out. It also gives me reminder and a sort of accountability if it's in print. More importantly, I could never hand write all this out and it's a sort of journal that happens to be public.

I say that so you know where I'm coming from, and because if I thought there were people reading it on a regular basis it would cause me to start editing. I already do some self editing, but I don't want to get too extreme in it or else I wouldn't be able to share what I need to in order to alleviate my brain from too many thoughts nor would it be an effective journal.

The reason I have chosen to make the blog public instead of private is for a (very) few people who know me well enough to not judge me on these words alone and who live hundreds of miles away. It's a way for them to have deep intentional relationships with me without the long emails or phone calls mommyhood can't always afford. And because I know there a few of you that do read that have been able to find some sort of solace in some of my struggles and ponderings. I know there are a few blogs that I have immensely benefited from and have often given me the words I could not find. Although I am doubtful of my capability to do that for others, I know that has occasionally happened. So for those reasons (for now) I leave it public.

Just thought I would give you all my perspective this side of the computer screen.

2010-01-28T12:40:00.000-08:00

So one of the many ways my body has chosen to fail me recently is that I apparently have hypothyroidism. On one hand, this really stinks because it means I essentially will have to be on medicine the rest of my life. On the other hand it gives answers to long kept suspicions that something was majorly off with my body. As well as the extra 30 pounds I've been rocking for the last 5 years.

My doctor of course handed me a prescription without thinking twice.

After a lot of thought and consultation once again I am bucking modern medicine and going to try to rely on the things that God created.

I would really like to know why naturally occurring things are WAY more expensive than the artificial drugs. Fake drugs cost: $14, natural treatment: $70. Seriously?

So that's my life right now.

A final thought on Genesis and then I'm hopping over to Matthew.

The last several chapters of Genesis focus on the story of Joseph. I think most of you are generally familiar with the story so I will spare you the details and get to the point that left me in awe. Joseph's brothers almost killed him, left him in a ditch, and then sold him into a slavery that resulted in several years spent in jail. His brothers pretty much put him through hell. Yet when they come to see him in Egypt year later instead of him having them killed, or put into slavery or thrown into jail he weeps at the site of them.

When they return again he weeps over them and expresses how grateful he is to have relationship with them and lavishes them with gifts. Um, did I miss something?

As someone that had an...interesting family life I find this story fascinating and convicting. It also took on a whole new meaning at our training this weekend with CLT on reconciliation. MLK's view of a society where everyone lived in peace (not conflict free but capable of dealing with the conflict in a peaceable way) seemed pretty unrealistic to me. As did Joseph's story. I kept thinking maybe God left out a detail or two or Moses fell asleep during his writing.

I've always thought God capable of forgiveness towards anyone and am in awe of that attribute of His. But I've never considered myself capable of forgiving anyone and everyone and showing all the kind of grace and mercy Christ has me. Which is odd considering His Spirit lives inside of me. Are ya seeing the breakdown?

The only way we can have reconciliation with Christ and with others is through His love and work in our hearts. God had been working on Joseph's heart for well over a decade (probably more like two) by the time he saw his brothers again, only he could have brought about the transformation from a snotty and prideful teenage boy to a mature forgiving leader of a nation who wept over the brothers that tried to rob him of life.

With MLK's movement the kind of society he hoped for was completely unrealistic- without Christ. The only way we can have a peaceful society, church or movement is with Christ's love ruling in our hearts and mimicking the reconciliation He provided for us in our own hearts and relationships with others.

Joseph's story is just such a shocking real life picture of grace and mercy. In the NT we see so many great personifications of it through Christ and his work, but for some reason the story of Joseph put it into real human life for me. It made me realize that with Christ in my heart, and if I let him do his full work I too (through Him) am capable of that sort of forgiveness. Leaves me convicted and motivated.

I've been in Matthew for a little bit and already have some stuff I'm hoping to jot down before I forget. One of the things that will help my thyroid is supposedly de-stressing which I am applying as not doing so much. Thus the excess number of blogs this week (and more to come). And a full head. Things to look forward to, eh?

2010-01-26T11:26:00.000-08:00

Today is a day for mourning some things and moving the heck on.

Through some conversations with my wonderfully insightful husband and an unexpected (but delightful) email and a great blog post by a friend I'm feeling aware and convicted.

Aware about some of my flaws. I have a very high standard that I hold myself to. Most would call it an impractical list, but it's in my head never the less. I work on it, towards it, and if I don't feel like I'm achieving it I view myself as a failure. The problem in this lies more in the fact that since I hold myself to such a strict standard, I assume that others do the same. But since not everyone is a planning oriented firstborn, Type A with minor OCD tendencies that is foolish. The issue complicates itself when I put my high standards and convictions on other people and not only judge or criticize them for it but in my critical nature forget the work of the spirit: progressive sanctification in the lives of those around me.

This awareness has led me to feeling convicted about my critical nature, as well as how self-focused I have been the last couple of days (weeks).

Forgive me as I work on my whining and getting over myself and my issues.

The rub of it is, I have a really good excuse to be a little self focused, and I have been dealing with something pretty dang big. But that still doesn't make it okay. Me being self focused is only going to leave me more dissatisfied where focusing on Christ even in the midst of the pain will leave me feeling joyfully unworthy and humbled: smack dab where my attitude needs to be.

So thanks friend for the attitude check and helping me (uknowingly) realize I was focusing more on me and my perspective than Christ and how He is working and what may be going on in others lives. And for the much needed encouragement. And for going out of your way to lift me up.

Thanks hubs for lovingly correcting me when my gift to see the big picture and it's potential has turned to a critical spirit about how it's not there yet.

And thanks Annie for your writing that puts into words what I am not able to. You help challenge me and I think you are a brilliant writer.

CLT did a training this weekend which I am hoping to further expand on, but we focused on reconciliation and the work of MLK. We took a trip to the MLK center downtown and paralleled Christ's work of reconciliation to what King was about in his movement.

It was fascinating and I learned so much (as well as how much I DID NOT learn in my education about the movement). I was amazed at how intentional MLK was about painfully and deliberately working toward a peaceful reconciliation. The intention and conviction that went into every march or sit in and how focused they were on peace left me in awe.

I'm still trying to process and put into words how this is affecting me, but I think it has left me feeling a bit of a purpose. Some people are called to stand in the gap, and by nature there aren't many people in the middle of the gap, they usually stand on one side (extreme) or the other. Being in the gap means not always having people around you that "get" you. I think I am called to stand in the gap. For whatever reason I'm not called to go at this point, I'm called to suburbia. I think I may be here to stand in the gap for those that can't be and raise awareness about those that need help to go and the need to just go.

Being in that position and having those opportunities isn't always the easiest thing and usually means some form of conflict against the existing ideas and priorities. So in my attempts to open eyes I need to keep MLK's methods in mind. One peaceable, calm, focused foot in front of the other.

Hopefully that makes some sort of sense.

2010-01-25T13:48:00.000-08:00

Continuing my positive outlook on life (sarcasm)....

It's been a rough week. I feel like it has been a week of tragedy and loss on multiple levels.

Just when I feel like I have a direction and peace on something it seems to get flipped upside down, or not work out for some reason.

So I feel like a bit of a vagabond right now with no direction and not really feeling "home" in any one spot.

I love how even in these times of disconnect on some levels God seems to pour in and rejuvenate on so many others. Here are some things that He has been using to encourage me:

"God does not demand that you and i have blind faith,
but abandoned faith, a faith that trusts Him fully.
Through His Word, God willingly reveals much about who He is, what His plans are,
and what He requires of us.
As we come to see Him and know Him he urges, "Trust Me."
Hundreds of times in the Bible God implores us to trust Him.
We tend to make trust a gray area, but with God the issue is black and white.
We either trust Him or we don't.
We're for Him or we're against Him.
We're in the game or we're on the sidelines.
As i think about true faith, heartfelt throw-yourself-in-with-complete-abandon faith,
two things come to mind:
*faith is rooted in God's character.
*faith is based on God's Word, not on our feelings."

This quote is by Linda Dillow from her book Calm my Anxious Heart and I found it on this blog my friend Kristin turned me on to.

The pastor I'm always talking about- Matt Chandler, has started doing weekly video updates on his blog about his progress fighting the cancer and where he's at. This weeks video really ministered to me and was a sweet reminder of God's goodness in all things, even the things it doesn't seem like there could be any good in, He is able to bring good through it and is working towards that in all things.

My heart is still very much with what is going on in Haiti as well which may be part of my somber nature currently. One of our dear friends is actually in Haiti right now and her husband sent us this update:

"I received a brief e-mail from Rachel last night. The situation is still very dire. Rachel said they walked into a tent and there were sick and wounded everywhere. She worked on a 3 year old yesterday that probably did not survive the night without a miracle. Please be praying for God's mercy for the people of Haiti and grace for the team. They are already experiencing an incredible amount of stress. Pray that God would work miracles and that he would be glorified through the team. Also, pray that they will be able to get sleep. They only got a few hours the night before and I can't imagine sleeping each night after experiencing some of these things."

Please continue to keep her and the people of Haiti and the other relief workers in your prayers. God is still moving mightily and I have a feeling we are just at the start of his grand production there.

2010-01-21T11:22:00.001-08:00

I'm not gonna lie I feel a little defeated right now.

If we were playing a game of "which of these do not belong" I would be the answer.

So I'm not sure what it is about what has been going on in Haiti, maybe it's the horror of it all, the knowledge that is just as easily could have been me, the passion in my heart for people or my fascination with world events, whatever it is it's been on my mind. And I want to do something, more than just text "Haiti" to 90999 and contribute my $10 to the Red Cross, or donate to a friend who's getting ready to leave for Haiti. I wanted to help raise awareness, inspire others to want to help to DO SOMETHING.

It just so happens I do have a slight platform of about 400 kids and 40 volunteers that show up to our youth group every week. So I thought we could do a display with quotes from missionaries blogs and give recommendations on ways they could help. Plus I thought it would be good for there to be a visual. I looked around for picture slide shows and didn't come up with much, plus the more I got to thinking about it I wanted to do something impactful. So I busted out an old hobby and made a video about what is going on.

I put a lot of work into everything, and spent lots of tears weeping over the material as I sifted through it to try to tell a story. I edited the pictures in the video back, what is pictured doesn't even come close to the most horrific ones. There was one picture of a mass grave with hundreds of bodies in it, most of the naked. I don't think I will ever get that picture out of my mind.

I'm not talking about the work I put in as a means to brag, I don't mind hard work, especially if it's for the glory of God. I typically won't think twice of it. The reason I mention it is because I was a little surprised when all 400+ people filed in the doors I maybe had 10 stop and look at everything, and that number includes some of my own girls. And leaders (that one really surprised me) who all know me.

Sometimes I'm painfully aware of how different I am.

I have a deep intense passion for people, to help them, serve them, to cultivate deep meaningful relationships like what the first church had. I know I feel things regarding those issues a little deeper than most. For now I think I've pacified myself with focusing on helping raise others awareness on those issues, particularly my girls and the CLT (compassion leadership team). My hope is that while I cannot be serving in other areas at this time like I'd like to be, I can inspire and encourage others to do so and be prepared for it when they do.

Sometimes I feel like I'm succeeding, sometimes I don't. Last night I felt like I didn't.

I want so much to be in the thick of it. Not just in Haiti but in so many other countries that are dealing with so much, or countries that just need the joy of Jesus brought into them. It's really hard to sit still and be responsible sometimes. Because being responsible with two kiddos means not hopping the next flight out of here (mainly because of financial reasons and child care, not because I believe it's irresponsible to go on mission trips). I keep trying to talk Chris into heading back over to Ukraine. I mean we already live away from family, plus we still have friends over there, why not?

Like I said, I know I'm not normal as far as my passions for people, but it really bothers me when so many seem to not care about so many. Sometimes I'm painfully aware of the downward suction that the suburbs has on peoples hearts. It forms bubbles, comfy cozy bubbles. Where you can have what you want and aren't exposed to people and things that make you uncomfortable. I feel as though my attempts at opening up those bubbles just a little bit failed, which makes me feel like I failed. I don't get to DO so I want to help and I don't feel like I was successful at that.

I feel exposed and out of place. I miss the sweet fellowship with my dear friends that don't think I am crazy and have the same passions. Who want to do something as well and inspire me to do more. Why are there so few of them?

Here's the video for those of you who are interested, maybe I can still make a difference through the beauty of the internet : )

2010-01-16T18:39:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine asked my thoughts on the whole Pat Robertson issue. I didn't think I was going to weigh in on the subject but after typing out a long email I thought I might as well throw it up here for all 3 of you that read this : )

So here were my two cents (if that!) worth:

Here are my thoughts, since you asked.

We (our generation) who was raised in a predominately legalistic "work your way to heaven" point of view wants to be all about God's love and grace and mercy, since that was so severely lacking to us growing up. However, often times people want to put God's attributes of righteousness and judgement on the back burner, and well, you can't roll like that. Not and be biblically justified any how.

So when any one in our modern day Christian culture, no matter who he or she is, wants to start talking about judgement and wrath, people (christian and non) usually shut it down pretty quickly. I think deep down because we know we are just as deserving of the judgement and wrath.

I did find it interesting the people who decided to speak out about the issue and how they chose to do so. I was amazed and confused at the amount of people that thought it best to respond in an attacking matter. Doesn't that just put you on his (presumed) level? While a few others chose to handle it in a more mature manner simply stating a different point of view.

The bible talks about wrath and judgement on a repeated basis. Israel was several times over virtually wiped out by the wrath of God. Nearly all of the prophets either foretold or told the Israelites (or another nation) of their impending judgement for their actions. That's not mentioning the multiple nations who were completely wiped out at the hand of God or specific cities (like Sodom and Gomorrah) that were.

I think to say that the possibility of God choosing to act in such a way is ignorant and blasphemous against the character of God.

On the other hand, I'm not sure Pat Robertson is a prophet. In fact I think he primarily preaches the prosperity gospel which is something I strongly disagree with and think flies in the face of the gospel Christ died for. I also think how he chose to deliver his message was very poor. Even if he first addressed the pain and hurt in the nation and prayed for them before he decided to speak the rest it would have been taken very differently. Also whenever prophets either told or foretold impending wrath to a nation there was always a call to repentance. There was none of that from Pat, so it really just felt like a vindictive "I told you so".

All of us individually and corporately (being America) have done horrible things justifying such wrath. I have no idea why God hasn't rained fire on our nation yet. We could talk about what we did to the slaves, or to women, or to the Japanese (we had our own work camps). There has been countless acts of horror done in this nation just as deserving of a fate like Haiti's. If we aren't supposed to compare ourselves and our sin individually why is it okay to do so corporately? Sin is sin (generally speaking there are two exceptions but they aren't relevant regarding this topic) and we are all sinful nations just as deserving of their fate.

Which is why I think we should be on our knees for them in prayer sending every ounce of help that we can. It could just as easily have been us. And I think that Christ would have been up to his elbows in blood and tragedy trying to help those around him .

In summary I guess I would say that while I can understand his point of view and their may be some truth to what he said, I think how he chose to handle the situation and spoke about the scenario wasn't well thought out or done so in a way that glorified God. How often do I make the same mistake?

However we have the opportunity in this situation to help make a difference.

Part of my point in choosing to post this was to get people thinking about the way that Christ would have decided to act in the circumstances. I would hope those thoughts spur action to help, if so here are some options:

Text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross relief efforts in Haiti

Compassion

Samaritan's Purse

Doctor's Without Border's

spendyourself

2010-01-15T12:19:00.001-08:00

Please ignore my last post. I'm a selfish retched sinner who needs more of Christ.

I have been given much and need to work on my attitude of thankfulness.

What a gift that I get to pour out of myself on a daily basis for the better of those around me.

Wishing I could pour myself out here.

2010-01-14T10:43:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling very restless recently.

I've been living in ATL for about a year and a half. It's been about eight years since I've been in a place that long without knowing we were leaving in the future.

Right now there is nothing on the forefront on us leaving, unless it's a situation we choose to create.

And it has me antsy. Not just antsy, but searching for purpose. Clearly we are here for a reason. I just have no idea what the heck that reason is.

I don't like wandering aimlessly without a purpose. I like plans. And while I have given up making definitive plans because God has thwarted my planning efforts and attempts at control, I like being focused and concentrated. It would be easy to generally say that my focus and concentration is His glory, but that's not enough. Because it's easy to say. And not do. I want to be doing something for His glory.

I feel as though we are in the midst of a suburban bubble that would be so easy to get sucked into and become complacent in. I. don't. want. that. I don't want complacency, or a bubble. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want suburbia. Especially with what's going on in Haiti right now. I would love to just pack up and go help. But I can't.

And to be completely honest... I'm getting kind of tired of being selfless. I know I should continue to serve my children in cleaning up their messes, the house, them, doing their laundry and keeping them entertained. To be a good mom requires virtually complete selflessness, no matter what Oprah says, we shouldn't be putting ourselves first. To put what you want to get done and do aside and take care of your kids and the house and your husband. And I'm tired of it. Not tired like I want to quite, but tired like I need a break. But I don't have friends here that want to randomly get out (or at least not with me), and babysitters are expensive. I need to be refreshed.

I'm serving at home and at church, and yet I feel like I'm not doing anything. I so wish I could be satisfied with the things that I am doing and the differences my logical side tells me I'm making. I wish I could shut my selfish sinful nature up and continue to give of myself without thinking. I wish there was something on the forefront to be looking towards, working towards, and not feel like I'm getting sucked into the vacant void of complacency.

I wish I could be satisfied in what He has given.

The worst part is feeling annoyed and frustrated at myself for even thinking and feeling this way. Wishing I had more faith in His control and direction, more confidence in His ability to turn nothing into something, more rest that in this process He is helping me to become more like Him. I wish I had MORE of HIM in ME.

2010-01-11T14:20:00.000-08:00

Back to my Genesis findings:

One of the things I was impacted by was the fact that God reminded Abraham of his promise at least 4 times through out his life. This came as a great comfort to me right now as I am feeling lost in my "calling". I'm trusting that God will be faithful to remind my of what He has called me to do.

I was also impressed by the pull and strength of generational sin (Genesis 26). I've heard lots of people talk about Abraham's discretion in twice portraying Sarai as his sister and not his wife, but seldom do you hear it talked about that Isaac did the exact same thing. I think this is a reminder of how strong our impression is on the generation we lead. Isaac wasn't even alive when his father committed these sins and yet he must have seen something in his father that lent him to repeating his mistakes. Makes me a bit fearful of my current actions. Thank the Lord for grace. For me and my children!

Finally I really enjoy reading about Jacob's love for Rachel (Genesis 29). I love finding romance in unexpected places. Like Genesis 8. Not only did he show off when he first met her by rolling a large stone out of the way and watering her flock (serving her!) but then he kissed her (scandal!) and "lifted his voice and wept". He also then went on to work (HARD) for her hand in marriage for 14 years. What girl wouldn't be flattered by that?

Those are my thoughts. Hopefully I get to do a real post soon!

2010-01-05T11:16:00.001-08:00

So I've been in the Word more recently, and more intentional about how I read, taking my time, mulling things over. It's been great. So fun how God gives you little insights.

I thought I would jot down some of those, more than anything so that I can remember them. I started in Genesis and am planning on reading through in the historical order (historically happened, not written). That will get a little tricky when I get to Paul's books, but I think historical importance isn't quite as big a deal there.

Genesis 1:2 (NAS) "And the earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving..."

I just love how even at the beginning God is constantly moving and turning nothing into something. How many times have I felt like or been in a situation that felt formless, void and full of darkness. But the Spirit of God was moving!!! How well I would do to remember that more often!

Genesis 1: 29-30 "...I have given you every plant yielding seed....it shall be food for you...I have given every green plant for food."

Interesting he never mentions the animals as being provided for food. One could assume that in the beginning we were vegetarians.

Genesis 9:3- "Every moving thing that is alive shall be food for you; I give all to you, as I gave the green plant."

This is after the flood, just an interesting follow up to the prior verse. He also proceeds in the following verse to establish His covenant to not flood the earth again, but every time he addresses humans and follows it up by also directing His covenant to the beasts. Just reminder and conviction for me that they are God's creation as well and He cared enough about them to save them along with us during the flood, and to establish His covenant not just with us, but with them, so I would do well to do everything in my power to respect His creatures. For me this makes me want to prioritize buying grass fed beef, free range chicken and eggs, and be more "green".

Genesis 9:20-23- "Then Noah began farming and planted a vineyard. And he drank of the wine and became drunk, and uncovered himself inside his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father and told his two brothers outside. But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it upon both their shoulders and walked backward and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were turned away so that they did not see their father's nakedness."

It struck me how often we repeat Ham's actions with our words. How often do we repeat some one's wrong doing or slip up to others instead of going to that person and trying to help "cover" their folly. I know I am guilty of that. The passage goes on to deal out a punishment onto Ham's son Canaan which reminds me how strong generational sin and it's pull is and how difficult it is to break free from. I think it's something we must consistently be checking ourselves for remnants of.

Those are my bits for now. I'm looking forward to getting more this afternoon!

2009-12-31T12:04:00.000-08:00

Quick breakdown of Christmas:

It was good.

I really am tempted to have a year where we isolate ourselves and do no presents and fast and pray all day long. Maybe not that extreme... but I don't like how no matter what you do, with kids, it's all about the presents.

I got called materialistic by an unnamed family member (though my guessing friends could surely guess). That was entertaining. Especially ironic coming from unnamed family member.

Chris and I have worked (and fought) really hard to build healthy relationships, especially within our immediate (us and the boys) family. Long exposure to non-healthy relationships throws us off of our game. We just seem to feel off until the exposure is over.

Onto the New Year!

I'm really thankful to be doing something for New Years this year. I think it's been 4 years since we did anything. Last year we weren't good enough friends with anyone yet, and the years before we were in Connectisuck. I feel blessed to have friends to hang out with and thankful that we get to bring our kiddos and celebrate with them as well!

I'm not a big resolution person. Never got what the big deal was. If I want to do something, I do it and don't wait for New Years, and I don't like making empty promises about things I know won't happen.

That being said, I am looking forward to my lighter schedule this winter. I hope to get some painting done around the house and I hope to have more studying time in the Word. I was recently asked to join a group that was reading through the bible in 90 days. I was tempted (because really, how can that not be good?) but I have been made aware of my faults when it comes to how I get plugged into the Bible. I'm a reader, I really could sit down and read the bible for an hour and love it. I could then look up all the things that intrigued me about the scripture, find their original greek or hebrew meanings, do some cross referencing, check out what the commentaries say... I love that stuff. However my weakness is slowing down, really processing one teeny tiny passage and praying and communicating with God on it. I often fall short on the prayer part and I really want to work on that this year. Here is a great post about being intentional with your devotional life this year.

I'm also super excited about this ministry within the youth I've been helping start up : The Compassion Leadership Team (CLT), We had our first outreach opportunity mid December and I was so blessed by getting to be a part of it. I felt even more proud as I saw the girls from my group (which had the highest attendance rate of all of our youth small groups, pretty impressive considering there are almost 40 small groups in our youth) not just show up to serve, but work hard, enjoy it and start asking more questions about serving and missions. Two of my girls are already talking about long term mission trips. Oh the joy I have!

Focusing on that, and of course my family, is where I want to be the most present this year. I have about 8 months before Josh starts school and I am excruciatingly aware of how precious the time I have with him is and how intentional I need to be with it. Jack is also at my favorite stage of early childhood and I want to steal all the kisses and hugs and giggles while I can. My husband does an amazing job of taking care of and providing for his family but I feel as though that weight has been heavier than it should be recently. While it may be something he's put on himself, I want to do whatever I can to help ease as much of as I can, and be more diligent about praying for him and encouraging him.

I have a few other plans for 2010, but we'll see how those pan out. I've learned to hold my plans pretty loosely.

I feel blessed to be on the forefront of another year. By His grace alone. Hope ya'll have a great New Years!

2009-12-22T14:56:00.000-08:00

Final Christmas thoughts:

I must admit prior to this year, I haven't quite gotten the big deal about Christmas, don't get me wrong it's a great day to celebrate Jesus and all, but I've never really understood why it was such a big deal. I mean Easter is the day we celebrate our ability to have salvation and the sacrifice Christ made to pave the way for it, why don't we take a whole month to celebrate that? Isn't that what it's really about?

I think I'm getting it this year. Maybe it's because of some of the things we've been exposed to this year: 2 couples we are close to being on the brink of divorce, a pastor I adore having a brain tumor removed and finding out it was cancer, having several of our family members having extended hospital stays due to life threatening issues, friends who are hurting, friends who are dealing with infertility, job losses, finance issues... the list could go on and on. It's been a rough year, not necessarily in our own lives, but our exposure to it in others.

Which I think sometimes is just as difficult because you feel so helpless to do anything.

Anyhow, being in close proximity to an overwhelming amount of helping people this year has reawakened my senses to how foreign this place is. It's NOT home, and no matter how hard we try there will never be any level of perfect achieved here on earth. This life is rough, and we are surviving it to get HOME and to get to the good part.

Thinking of how hard this place is for me leaves me astounded at Christ coming into it.

He was LORD, King of All, angels bowed at his feet and He had close fellowship with God and the Holy Spirit. Communion like I have never known. He left it all, and came here. HERE. He spent nine (10 if we're getting technical : ) months in a womb that was probably a sanctuary compared to earth.

My mind cannot fathom the culture shock, not to mention the mourning for home. The closest thing I come up with as a comparison is for us willingly going to hell, and living there for 33 years.

So this Christmas I have a whole gratitude for what Christ did in coming to earth. This time of year the term "humbled" gets thrown around, but that is what He did, humbled himself. For us. For me.

Emmanuel- God is with us. Then, and now. That is most certainly a reason to worship!

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-20T10:55:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure I know how to handle emotions in a healthy way. I have Josh to thank for that painful realization, one I've had glimpses of clarity about but haven't been able to fully own up to until now.

I have a few defaults for how I choose to deal with strong emotions: run away, yell and get angry, or ignore it.

My family usually gets one of the first two because they aren't very easy to ignore, and Chris won't let me ignore him.

Dealing with the situation with Matt Chandler (and thinking back to when Chris had melanoma and how I dealt with it) has made me aware of the third one. If I can avoid conversations about the situation or anything that triggers thought about it, then I can cope. Because at the first confrontation I'll break down.

In the last several years I have made leaps and bounds in the area. I used to be a hot mess with how I handled my stuff. Even though progress has been made this is still a pretty big issue in my life. I think it would be easy for me to brush it off or excuse it with explanations on how poorly I was taught, but I don't want to excuse it or ignore it, I want to continue to grow. And more importantly I want to try to teach Josh something different, and I can't teach him something different if I don't model or learn what that something different is.

So I'm trying to figure it out. And I'll tell ya, it ain't easy. We girls (admittedly particularly during certain times of the month) feel insanely strong emotion. So what do we do when feeling those? If it spurs us to act well, then it's no problem since lavishing affection on others isn't something most complain about. But what do we do when the emotion results in crying fits or yelling rages? I think the general key is self discipline, but I'm still mapping out what the logistics of that look like. I have general "no-no's" for how I allow myself to act, but I need to expand that.

Like I've been telling Josh it's okay to feel angry, but it's not okay to act ugly out of that anger. I need to become more self-disciplined about how I act in the midst of my emotion. I don't always want to have to go and apologize for how I've acted, and I certainly don't want my family to have to be witnesses of my lack of self-control. I need to be better about obtaining the self control in the midst of the moment.

This the hard part. I'm not really sure how to do that. I've got a couple theories, like taking a moment to pray, or memorizing scripture that pertains to what I want (namely the fruits of the spirit passage), but beyond that I need divine wisdom. Soon, because ya'll I don't want to pass any more of this generational sin on to my kids.

2009-12-17T11:58:00.000-08:00

I was pretty much devastated when I read this. I'm not a crier and I cried. I don't understand, to me it makes no sense.

Then thankfully, God led me to this. Which was exactly what I needed to hear.

Now I'm trying to focus on the hope that I have.

My mind just goes to his wife, and his three small children (I think Audrey is 6, Reid is almost 4 and Norah is about 6 months). I'm praying for hope for them, and an a comprehension and peace that passes all understanding. Because this, this passes all understanding of our finite human brains.

And that is why we have hope.

I thought Beth Moore said this well on her blog:

"God has me home for the holidays for healing. For restoration. For a fresh return to the simple things. I've spent the entire year balancing the beauty and complexities of women's insecurities and the Book of Revelation. How's that for some whiplash? And I have loved every second of it. God is not miffed at me for working hard. He is the One who called me to the harvest field just as He called you. He just wants me to rediscover Sabbath rest amid the work and He's chosen to begin with a crash course. I am gradually taking the ribbon off the gift of simplicity that God is giving me for Christmas this year. I plan to unwrap it slowly and deliberately. 2010 will start soon enough and I'll pack a suitcase and be on another plane. But not the same. If I am, I will have missed something huge. Something vital. Something life-changing between Jesus and me. And I do not plan to miss it for this world. It's why He has me here."

This is what I am hoping to focus on with a more freed up schedule this next semester. I have worked hard and served well this past semester, but at the catalyst conference I felt God pushing the idea of a Sabbath on me and urging me to make it a priority. This semester I plan on doing just that.

On a side note, I think it's really hard for people not in a paid ministry position to do that. Not only do my husband and I have other jobs, but we are called to serve the church and our family amidst that and sometimes there just isn't enough time in the week. How does one balance and prioritize three incredible important things?

I have nothing scheduled from now until Christmas and I'm very excited about that. I'm going to try to be intentional about making memories right now and focusing on worship. That's the point of it all, Christmas, Easter, our very existence: to give God the glory he deserves. So I am going to focus on that.

Sorry for the randomness, my blog is reflective of my head right now; all over the place.

2009-12-10T09:14:00.000-08:00

I have been blogging a lot about time recently. The need for more, the lack of enough, the feeling as though it is going WAY too fast.

Chris and I have been pretty overwhelmed this semester. For the last month and a half or so we've been talking and deciding on ways we are going to cut back. Prioritize. This is difficult for me, not only because I have so many passions and interests, but because I want to be able to serve well and be a good mom and serve my family well. It's very tough to do both and to have to sometime not be as good about doing one or the other.

There were a few things we decided to cut back on that I was a little anxious about because it involved saying no to people. I don't like saying no to people, especially people that need help.

However it has been really neat to see how all the areas of concern I had were taken care of by God. Conversations I was anxious about were either brought up by the other person or viewed as no big deal. God had already been working on their hearts.

Areas that I was serving in, and didn't want to stop or give up but were going to be a strain on my family cut their time requirements in half.

God is good, I am thankful that he is helping make it possible for me to be a great mom and take care of my home and family and serve him well.

2009-12-02T12:15:00.000-08:00

We survived the trip. It was good. The kids did well, I was the only one that got sick, and it was an enjoyable visit. To be able to say all that is a huge blessing!

While I was there I heard that the pastor that I'm always quoting around here, Matt Chandler, had a seizure. Turns out he has a mass on his frontal lobe and is having surgery this Friday. They won't know if it's cancerous or not until they get in there.

He pastors a church of about 6,000 people and has 3 kids, his youngest not even six months old yet. He's in his mid-30's.

I'm not going to lie that it's shaken me up a bit. Not only as a reminder of how viciously and continuously our enemy is attacking us, but to have something happen to someone like this is hard for me to wrap my mind around.

I know the right answers, and I know I need to have faith, and that somehow God will be glorified through the situation. However that doesn't make it any easier for me to understand.

Sometimes this life just gets hard. Actually a lot of times. And right now I am tired of seeing God fearing and loving people being attacked. We are being attacked in our marriages, our families, our spiritual lives, our sexual lives, our finances and health. It's a full frontal assault and today I'm tired of fighting. Looking forward to the glorious day when the fight is over and I'm HOME.

This man is incredible. He pursues the Lord and has an unprecedented understanding of Him, he's a great dad and husband, he leads his church well and puts the Lord before all else. He has impacted mine and my husbands life as well as countless others with his message. I have a deeper understanding of God thanks to his obedience. Please join me in praying for him, his family and his church this week. He is also a highly publicized figure so please pray for the media and the people that will be affected through it as well.

Thanks.

2009-11-20T12:19:00.000-08:00

Life has been pretty crazy.

The boys (all 3 of them) have been sick for almost three weeks now and Josh has hit a new level of not listening and blatant disobedience.

I've also been thinking a lot about priorities.

I would hope that my priorities are God, my family and serving. For the most part I think that is fairly close to my reality (although admittedly I at times sub my service to God for our actual relationship).

The problem is all the other things that come into play. Taking care of my house, cooking the meals, my cupcake business, exercising and keeping up with the admin work that a lot of my serving involves.

I'm not as sure about how to prioritize those, or if they should even be a priority. At least for right now. Life with small children (at least my small children) is kind of stressful and high maintenance. I feel like if I am doing good with my three top priorities (God, family and service) than I should be happy with that.

But I'm not happy with it, and I feel like I should be doing it all, and in the attempt to do it all I usually end up sacrificing one or more of the top three priorities. And I seem to feel guilty no matter what. Either I feel guilty for the lack of time I'm spending with and for the Lord, how much I have given to my family, or for something on the "other things" list that I'm not getting done.

I think in particular the exercise one has been getting me down. Mainly because I have been struggling with self-confidence again (again??? how can it be again when it never stopped). See I'm one of those crazy people that enjoys exercise. I like it in a gym, but prefer it outside. I like to walk, run, do the elliptical, hike, whatever. I like to move and be active. The problem is time. It takes time to pack up and go to the gym and exercise (about an hour to hour and a half to be exact). It takes time to go somewhere out side and exercise. And I also have this problem of my kids. Exercising with them just isn't an option, and whenever I take them with me to the gym I feel bad about leaving them in childcare an additional time for the week, and not using that as quality time with them.

But if I don't exercise then I start to feel guilty that I don't. Because seriously, everyone in the suburbs goes to the gym. At least twice a week. And I haven't been in two months. And then I see a picture of myself and it all goes down hill.

I have this thought that I keep struggling with regarding my self esteem and self image. I think I was beautiful before I had kids. I was cute and thin and had really good abs. I could eat whatever I wanted, and I did. I liked what God had created. But after Josh...I'm not so much a fan of this version. Even though I'm healthier now in how I eat then I was before kids. And the thought that keeps running through my head is that what God made was good, but somehow I messed it up and ruined what He made. And then comes the guilt about how I should be exercising and making that a priority. Of which I would have to take time away from family, God or serving to do the level which would make a difference.

So. I've been having issues with priorities. And self-esteem. Actually, we'll just leave it that I have issues.

2009-11-07T19:20:00.000-08:00

I have something that's been rolling through my mind for awhile now, and I keep avoiding it. But I'm just going to put it out there.

Sometime I feel like I am suffocating in the suburbs.

There. It's out there.

The most frustrating part about it is, there is a part of me that wanted, and still wants this.

Then there's this other part that wants to live somewhere crazy, like the inner city, or on acres of land, or in a foreign country.

Maybe it's the rebellious part of me, that's not content to go with the status quot.

I'm not sure what it is but sometime I want to pull my hair out in frustration at the world I live in.

And yet I do some of the same things I am annoyed by. I fit well into my environment. Looking in from the outside I probably am just like everyone else.

Lord help me, I'm so conflicted. Aren't we supposed to be different???

2009-11-05T13:40:00.000-08:00

Somehow, and I do mean somehow, because I am really not sure how it happened... I (or we) are leading every ministry project we are a part of this week.

My Beth Moore bible study, my small group at youth, our Compassion Leadership Team and our adult small group (which our youth pastor usually leads). And I'm having a get together with all the girls from my youth small group, have two big cupcake orders and our adult small group is at our house and I'm cooking dinner for the 20+ people that will be showing up.

When will I learn??? This week really was a fluke though, or lack of me paying attention to the schedule, but either way, I really didn't realize how crazy things would be.

Lesson learned, I don't like leading and being in charge of this many things. It's way too much, and I can't really give what I need to the people or group that needs it most.

It confirmed some big changes to the schedule I was thinking about making for next semester. I swear I keep trying to simplify. It's not easy. At least not for me.

I AM prioritizing. Starting NEXT week.

2009-11-03T13:38:00.000-08:00

Some randomness:

There are these two new smells from B&B Works that are heavenly. One, for the house is called Leaves. It is fall encapsulated, but not overwhelming or cloying. I have a candle, soap and it's in all my wallflowers. The other, Twilight Woods is my new favorite scent of all times. I think I'm putting the perfume on my Christmas list, but I absolutely adore the body splash I have right now. They give out great coupons, so the last time I went I got 4 wallflower refills, Chris's cologne (they have a guy line that is great) and my body splash for $35. Pretty good considering the wallflower are normally $25 themselves, and his cologne is $20 and my body splash was $12. Go me.

I really like homemade pizza. The other stuff can't compare. And one of my secret favorite parts is eating it for breakfast the next morning. Homemade cold cheese pizza makes a wonderful breakfast. Don't knock it till ya try it!

I really like my life right now, I have a lot of joy. God has definitely given us a summer season of life right now.

I got a glimpse of what my life could be like this Saturday night and I really liked it. We got to hang out and fellowship with friends and then came home. The kids and I played in the floor by Chris while he went over music for the next morning for playing in worship. The kids were rocking out, and I was enjoying them enjoying the situation, and loving watching my man do his thing.

I'm really struggling deciding what I'm more passionate about, working with youth or leading bible studies. The line that really convicted me from Matt Chandler though was (paraphrasing) how many of you actually put into practice the principles learned in all your Beth Moore bible studies. I want to be a practicer, not just a learner. Trying to figure out how to combine the teaching and the doing. I think I have a pretty good gig, but am looking forward to taking it to the next level.

That's all for my randomness, deeper thoughts coming soon.

2009-10-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes being away from friends and family is really hard.

I didn't always have the best of family life growing up so in late high school and college the friends I made became like family. In fact I talk to them more than my family.

So when one of my best friends (of nearly 10 years) has her first baby, the caretaker in me has difficulty being still. Not making dinner, or cupcakes, or cute gifts, or just sitting in a chair holding sweet baby Carter, but being on the opposite side of the country able to do none of the above.

So I will do the only thing I can do (but should be doing all along regardless), pray. Pray blessings over their new family, pray for health and quick recovery, pray joy and hope, for perseverance and a strong finish (in AZ), wisdom and patience, and most of all for the Lord to reveal Himself in new magnificent ways through their new addition.

2009-10-27T11:13:00.000-07:00

Wow. There has been so much going on in the last month. Not just activities but God really working on me. I love it. I just wish I had more time to process and share it all. But like most things in my life right now, ya'll get the cliff notes version.

This post pretty much sums up my status with prayer. This was written by that guy I talk about all the time- Matt Chandler's wife. I wish I could be friends with her. Anyhow, I've been in general feeling convicted about my attitude in prayer and reading this summer up where I'm at exactly. I feel like God has been giving me a deeper heart for prayer, and even a greater desire for it. Maybe it's because he's also been working on me with pride (more on that later) that the humble act of prayer is coming more frequent and natural for me. However now I have this problem of wanting to spend more large amounts of time focused on that. It's a problem because I have small children. I have small LOUD children. And I cannot get up early enough for time in the word and the amount of prayer that I want. So hopefully at this point in my life The Lord is cool with us chatting regularly throughout the day.

The hubs and I have been having lots of deep talks recently. See there's this topic that keeps coming up every few months, and it has since we got married. It's this whole ministry subject. Are we called to it/are we not called to it, what is the timing and logistics of making that leap if we are... there are lots of conversations. Long story short when we first met Chris wanted to be a worship pastor. Through some drama and life and God opening other doors, it didn't happen. And thankfully not right away, or else that whole having having a kid in your first year of marriage wouldn't have worked out so well. I've know every step that we were where God wanted us, but we've always wondered about "in the future" or "when God opens doors". Well we are finally at a point where there is no next immediate step in the future, and it's almost is God is telling us to pick our future. And after 5 years, I think we are both just ready to KNOW already. Are we called to corporate life, or are we called to ministry life, and just wanting it to be clear and have a peace about God's calling and placement. So we're praying for that. Along with that has been me learning a lot. Being willing to be submissive and come under my husbands leadership no matter what decision and my happiness with it is (he usually makes decisions I like and respect so it's not as much an issue).

And that whole pride thing. I know I've thrown it around here before, and other places, and I don't have an issue saying I've got a pride issue. The problem is that the throwing it around has become commonplace and I stopped taking seriously the sin issue in my life. Thankfully god hasn't been letting me get away with that any longer and is officially kicking my butt on it again. I am so grateful. One of my constant prayers is that He would open my eyes to the sin in my life and that I could see it as how He sees it. The problem is I'm not outwardly prideful (generally speaking, I'm sure there are a LOT of exceptions) my biggest are of weakness is in my mind and the thoughts that I have the comments that stay in my head, my attitude and motivation behind doing or saying something. Thankfully God is getting in my head too. I need more of him there. My biggest struggle with pride is that too often I am focused on me and myself and not enough on Him, His glory, and His greatness and plan. Thankfully I'm a work in progress and through His grace there is hope.

So that generally sums up me and my life right now. I miss having more time to get my thoughts out. November brings hope of normality, PTL! Maybe more external processing will resume. I sure hope so because without it I am in my head way too much, and that isn't good for anyone. I over think things.

2009-10-23T20:10:00.000-07:00

"Philippians 1:9-11. "And this I pray that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ, having been filled with fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God." Paul prays that our love will grow in discernment, so that we will choose what is excellent. In the complexity of life we don't always know what is excellent and what is the most loving, and thus we need wisdom to discern what is the most loving action in various circumstances. Should we fire the employee that is doing poor work or give him another chance? How much time should we spend with our families and how much time in other ministry? What is the best way to respond to non-believers with whom we work? Sometimes it seems best to confront them with evil, but often we overlook their evil because we know the root problem is that they are unregenerate. It is not easy to know the best way to respond in each situation. There is no one right and simple answer to these questions. The difficulty of deciding what is the most loving in each circumstance explains why Paul says in Ephesians 5:10 that we must test what is pleasing to the Lord. This implies that it is not always immediately clear what is the best course of action, what is the most loving thing to do.

The commandments God gives us are like the banks of a river which control the general flow of the river. When we violate God's commandments we cause the river to run over the banks, and thus it loses its power and beauty. If we add commandments not found in the Scriptures, we widen the banks of the river so that it becomes slow and stagnant and loses its life and vitality. And within the stream of the river there are numerous decisions that need to be made which cannot be specified in advance. The Bible does not anticipate every situation we will encounter. We need the Holy Spirit and wisdom to discern what is best to do as different instances arrive in our life. Scripture informs us that love is the guideline. But there is no attempt to calculate in advance what we should do in each circumstance of life. We read the Scriptures, pray, seek wisdom, and rely upon the Spirit in attempting to discern God's will."

John Piper

Apparently I need more discernment, and to be better in tune to the Holy Spirit because there are definitely some things I have been trying to figure out. (said with sarcasm) I love it when the answer is: there is no answer.

2009-10-16T18:26:00.000-07:00

Wow. I think I have just had the busiest 3 weeks of my adult life. It has been insanity around here.

Lots of ministry events, CIA (compassion in action) an all day (for me) serving event, Rock 4 Love, and helping with the start of of a Compassion Leadership Team within the youth. Throw in visits from both grandparents, a 2 day conference (which was SO good), prep for a baby shower I am helping to host and a slew of other daily responsibilities and I am worn.out.

I so wish I had the time to digest and post after each of the events because there is so much to say and so much I want to remember about each one, but I will have to do with highlights.

CIA- so neat to get to see all of my girls serving and their hearts for that. Of all the youth that showed up my girls comprised almost half of them. I have a rock star group. I must admit I was surprised by a few who usually don't participate as much in group who really shined during this. When we talked about it at group on Wed. one of girls broke down crying by how moved she was by the thought of what some of the people we were ministering too lived with out. I really am looking forward to the start up of the CLT and being able to give students more opportunities to have those kind of experiences and for the Lord to humble them.

Catalyst- SO good. by far the neatest part was getting to hear Matt Chandler in person. When he prayed at the end I started sobbing, and I'm not even joking ya'll it was pretty close to getting to the real ugly cry. Over 3 years ago shortly after we had moved to CT and we were low on hope of every finding a church and had absolutely NO contact with any other person in the area, I was desperate for some sort of spiritual content in my life. Haphazardly my best friend suggested I check out this guy named Matt Chandler (she lived in Dallas where he is). I started listening to him and it pretty much rocked my world. I started podcasting him and listened to his sermons at least twice a week. I could go on and on about what a gifted teacher he is and for all the reasons that how he speaks hits me so hard, but I will suffice it to say that his sermons were what helped me get through an other wise spiritually desolate time. Being 3 years down the road and out of CT, living in GA and being able to attend a conference where I got to see Matt Chandler speak...I was simply overwhelmed by God's goodness and faithfulness. It was like a small blessing for following Him where He led us even though it was a rough path.

Rock 4 Love- I think the best part of this (other than getting to see about 200 students come to Christ and getting to pray over 6 of them) was having Chris with me. This is the first time since we've been married that we've done the majority of our serving not together. Sometimes it's been hard, but I know he has other passions and talents than working with students. However it was fun to have him around for a night. I forgot how much fun working with him was. It was also nice to be able to hang out with some of the other leaders. It was fun to watch him do his thing too. There is just something about watching your man do his thing that just reminds you how much you love him.

So those are the highlights, and I have stayed up way too late to give them. Hopefully there is more time to process life in general right now, as well as time to document it.

2009-10-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

I must admit I never really understood what Paul meant in this passage from 1 Corinthians.

7:32 And I want you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 7:33 But a married man is concerned about the things of the world, how to please his wife, 7:34 and he is divided. An unmarried woman²⁴ or a virgin²⁵ is concerned about the things of the Lord, to be holy both in body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the things of the world, how to please her husband. 7:35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place a limitation on you, but so that without distraction you may give notable and constant service to the Lord.

I mean I theoretically understood, but it still seemed kind of harsh to me. I (pridefully) always thought I could do it all, and do it well.

I get it now.

Last night Chris and I had to sit down and have a conversation about our schedule and if I was trying to do too much ministry and serving. Just saying that seems shocking to me. Too much? There is never too much! I'm not even doing everything I want to do!

But when our family nights are dwindling, keeping up with the house is stressful, I've stopped enjoying making family meals each night, and there are only 3 days in all of October where there is not something to do on the calender, something has got to give somewhere.

I must admit that I at times struggle with making my family my priority ministry, or even viewing it as a ministry. I think the line of serving enough out side of the home, without it being too much is always going to be a difficult line for me. I think it's important that my children see me serving and being actively involved in ministry, but I don't want them ever to feel like I care more about, or give more time and attention to the people that I serve instead of them.

Thankfully, I think don't think we are anywhere near that point, but I want to make sure I never even get close to that.

I love my husband, and I love my children and I want to do the best I can for all of them, while doing everything I can to further the kingdom as well. I'm learning it's very difficult to do both to a level I am happy with simultaneously.

That is why I have a new understanding for that passage. I wish I could go to youth camp, and the youth mission trip, I want to do more foreign mission trips as well, I would love to help lead a youth servant team where we help minister to the needs of our community weekly (serving at homeless shelters, elderly homes, etc.), I want to have time to contact each of my small group girls throughout the week, I hope to lead my own Beth Moore bible study, and I want to have done an in depth study on the passage for our adult small group each week, not to mention keeping up with all the meetings, trainings, retreats, and prayer requests for all of the aforementioned aread.

But for right now, none of those are really plausible. I also want to be there for my boys every time they need me. I want to help Josh master writing his alphabet and make cupcakes all the time for his class, answer all his questions about God and Jesus and help him memorize more bible verses. I want to get in as many snuggles from Jack as he will allow before he gets too old, and I want to make him laugh every chance I get and help him figure out which is his eye and which is his ear. I want to hear about what happened in my families life over a hot (ok, warm) healthy meal each night, and I want (ok, need) a half an hour (at least) of quality time with my husband each night.

Those, I can do (most of the time). And that needs to be enough for me. I know I have a ministry calling for my life, but just as I committed to being a stay at home mom and not working full time, I need to be better about putting my (full time and unpaid) ministry calling on hold while I focus on the more important ministry God has given me right now.

I just wish it was possible to have this kind of insight while you are single. I wish I would have taken more advantage of the freedom that singleness offers and done more during that time (and no, coffeehouses and living in Ukraine wasn't enough for me : ) I dream big.) I wish I would have cherished it more as a gift.

I think that's a whole other blog post, cherishing whatever time you are in and the blessings they bring. Because even a time of suffering brings blessing, but I digress...

So I will continue to struggle with contentedness at my primary ministry being at home and try to figure out the line between too much and not enough serving. Hopefully I will have a long list of ministry passions and goals stored up to pursue when all my kids are in school, or out of it, whenever God decides. Something to look forward to.

2009-09-25T08:44:00.001-07:00

Pondering for the day:

Is it okay for/should the church be run like a business?

I am in my head WAY too much today.

2009-09-23T12:49:00.000-07:00

I think I may have posted my last post a bit too soon. I need time to process, and to let my head get where it's going. Any how, I think I am there now, so let me add.

I have realized that I am deeply passionate about intentional, close, God-glorifying, servant oriented relationships. Obviously. But for some reason there have only been a few brief times in my life where I have gotten to experience the wondrous beauty that is what I so deeply desire. I'm not sure if it's a way to make me more appreciative of God's beauty represented in those times, or if it's a brief insight of what I have to look forward to in heaven. Maybe both.

Either way, I ache for those times. I remember in college having a night of intense worship with amazing women of God on either side of me participating right along side of me, hearing God speak to me and scribbling notes alongside of friends and huddling up with a group of four other girls and intensely praying for and over one another. Oblivious to what was around us, consumed with the Spirit. I loved our bible studies where there was deep accountability, challenging actions and thoughts, pushing one another, inspiring on another. Just being in the presence of people with such deep faith made me feel closer to the Lord. It was almost as if I were walking on Holy ground, those times were so saturated with his presence.

As I have served in different ministry areas in varied forms, pursuing the passion of deep intentional relationships seems to be always with me. No matter how I might try to shake it (because pursuing something that you rarely find can be defeating) I cannot deny the longing.

So as of this week, I have given up denying. I'm giving up hunting and pursuing and moving on to the (with God's grace!) creating.

Instead of trying to find those relationships within ministry settings I am going to make my ministry about creating environments where those types of relationships flourish and teaching others about what they look like. I may not always be the benefactor of it, but to see someone else experience that, I'm sure, will be just as big a blessing.

So in my high school small group, in my Beth Moore bible study, in any area of influence I have, I want to make that a core focus of the group.

After years of pursuing biblical knowledge and wisdom, and attaining a fair amount of it, I've learned that no amount of knowledge can replace or make up for not having those types of relationships in your life. Books don't challenge you after you have put them down. Once you have listened to a sermon, the pastor isn't going to call you and ask you if you did your quiet time. Worship music isn't going to encourage your worship in other areas of life. We are meant to have people in our lives who challenge us, encourage us, pray with us and over us, weep with us, rejoice with us, worship with us, and LIVE with us.

The reason we are relationally oriented is because it is so vital to our spiritual well being. I get chills every time I read Acts 2 where it talks about the fellowship of believers.

2:42 They were devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.2:43 Reverential awecame over everyone, and many wonders and miraculous signs came about by the apostles. 2:44 All who believed were together and heldeverything in common, 2:45 and they began selling their property and possessions and distributing the proceeds to everyone, as anyone had need. 2:46 Every day they continued to gather together by common consent in the temple courts, breaking bread from house to house, sharing their food with gladand humble hearts, 2:47 praising God and having the good willof all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number every daythose who were being saved.

This is how it is supposed to be. This is what relationships should look like, and what we are to pursue.

So while I may not again (outside of my marriage) get to experience the blessing that is a Christ centered and focused relationship, I have seen the blessing that it is, and will help others pursue it. I will teach everyone I can about the way that Christ intended us to do life with each other, I will encourage them and help create circumstances where this can be achieved.

1 Thessalonians: 2:12 exhorting and encouraging you and insisting that you live in a way worthy of God who calls you to his own kingdom and his glory.

2009-09-21T10:25:00.001-07:00

I am awkward.

Sometimes I feel like I am going through a "teenager" type stage all over again.

I am trying to figure out who I am. But that doesn't sound right, because I know who I am, and am comfortable in it in my own little world, but whenever I walk out my door I feel like I am always struggling. Struggling to say the right thing, struggling to not say the wrong thing, struggling to fit in.

Which annoys me to even type. I am not a person that cares about fitting in.

Except I do. Mainly because I want to have friends. And I don't really care if I'm friends with the "cool kids" or not, I just want to find deep, intentional friendships. Why is that so freaking hard to find??? I know who I am, and I know what my beliefs and convictions, my talents and strengths are. Problem is, so far I can't find someone who lines up with most of that and wants to have a meaningful relationship, so I feel like I have to do this juggling act to figure out what I can do to make close friendship with me more desirable. I mean seriously, baking cupcakes and having theological conversations isn't enough?!

I hate being insecure and questioning myself so much, it's driving me crazy. It's driving my husband crazy.

Speaking of, I was away this weekend, and it reminded me how awesome he is. Not only is he my best friend, but I love that we have the same convictions. I think I have taken that for granted, but I realized this weekend how huge that is. I also love that we get convicted about things at the same time. It's awesome.

But back to my awkwardness. I think it makes me even more frustrated because I know there are people that I could just sit down with and immediately feel comfortable with. They are just several hundred miles away. As much as I love my husband and think he is a rockstar, I still need me some really good girl time. In person.

Sometimes I feel like the suburbs are way too close to high school.

2009-09-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

"Every night, I tuck in our children. Lauren puts them down, reads them stories and then we tag and I go up. We pray and pray and talk. We have some conversations. Every night, I plead for the souls of my children. I plead for it. I plead for it. I am not going to be a good enough father to pull off salvation in my children's hearts. I'm not. I'm not going to be able to model it well enough. All I can do is commend His works to them. He's got to save them. So I plead with Him. Men and women who walk in pride, they don't need to plead for the lives of their children. You know why? Because they got it. Why would they need to plead? God forbid if their kid runs amok. You know what the issue was? The issue wasn't them; the issue was your kid. Your kid came into their life, influenced them into darkness and if you would have done a better job, if you would have watched what they watched, if you would have watched what they read, if you would not have allowed them to watch the “Smurfs” or whatever the Evangelical community is now saying is evil and wicked and after the souls of our children, if you would have done that, then in the end, “my kid would love the Lord, because I raised them to love the Lord. That's not how I raised them. Your kid was the issue.”"

Matt Chandler

If you were the perfect mother, there would be no need for the cross. If you did not sin against your children, against me, there would be no need for the cross. I died for that very sin.

Missy from It's Almost Naptime

Lord help me!!! Humble me, help me to see how much I need you every day, to ache for you, and cry out for you. Break me of my pride!

4 Therefore speak to them and tell them, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: When any Israelite sets up idols in his heart and puts a wicked stumbling block before his face and then goes to a prophet, I the Lord will answer him myself in keeping with his great idolatry. 5 I will do this to recapture the hearts of the people of Israel, who have all deserted me for their idols.' 6 "Therefore say to the house of Israel, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Repent! Turn from your idols and renounce all your detestable practices!

Ezekiel 14: 4-6

Show me my idols, so when I come to you, you see more than idolatry. Purge me of my idols so that when you look at me you see more than idolatry, and can talk to me and answer me without having to first deal with my idolatrous heart.

Capture my heart. Parent through me. Let me know at the end that it was nothing that I did, but by your grace and mercy!

2009-09-05T18:53:00.000-07:00

I find it funny all of the presumptions and the "I nevers..." that I made before children. I laugh at my naivete now.

My first misconception was about life after children. Everyone would always tell us how life after children would never be the same. I would get so irritated (have I mentioned recently, I have pride issues?) and think that people didn't know us, and that we would be different. Why I thought I knew more than the 50 or so people that I encountered that told me this, I'm not sure. Oh, that's right, that little pride issue I mentioned. And having children does change your life, inexplicably.

Then I remember seeing parents with young kiddos in the stores. They would either be throwing fits, or running around, and I swore that I would never let my kids act like that. Anyone that has encountered Josh for more than 5 minutes is laughing right now.

These are just a few of my preconceived notions about parenting that I was way off on.

And yet the awareness of my lack of awareness has not helped me make any less promises to my self about my parental future.

I barely have my feet wet with this whole school and sports thing, and I already have a list full of intentions in this arena.

However, some ideas and expectations for my children and their future are good. Like them being expected to go to youth group, and Sunday church when they are older. Not making sports a priority over church and God. Having dinner together as often as humanly possible. Having family nights once a week.

So where are the lines between expecting the unrealistic, and having expectations worth striving and sacrificing for?

I'm still not quite sure, but I know it does include humility.

2009-09-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

I needed to hear this:

All too often I forget than ministry is messy, and that while perfection is what we strive for, it something we will never obtain on earth. I need to be more patient with the imperfect.

I've also been enjoying being back into some theology books recently. One of my top loves. I've been reading C.S. Lewis' The Weight of Glory, and Tim Keller's The Reason For God. SO much good stuff.

Here is a quote from C.S. Lewis book that I loved, and I think hits a lot of the religious right.

(This is during WW II)
"A man may have to die for our country, but no man must in any exclusive sense, live for his country. He who surrenders himself without reservation to the temporal claims of a nation, or a party, or a class is rendering to Caesar that which, of all things, most emphatically belongs to God: himself."

And another great one:
"If all the world were Christian, it might not matter if all the world were uneducated. But, as it is, a cultural life will exist inside or not. To be ignorant and simple now- not to be able to meet the enemies on their own ground- would be to throw down our weapons, and to betray our uneducated brethren, who have, under God, no defense but us against the intellectual attacks of the heathen. Good philosophy must exist, if for no other reason, because bad philosophy needs to be answered."

2009-08-10T06:21:00.000-07:00

I made the mistake of going to see Julie&Julia this weekend. I say mistake because it has plunged me back into a world that I was trying hard to keep at arms length.

The movie was so good. My new favorite. I had considered going by myself just to be without distractions and take it all in. I am glad I went with friends though. I just sat their with kind of a stupid grin on my face almost the entire movie enjoying every morsel of it's goodness. When it was over I just wanted to sit for awhile, taking it all in. Savoring the culinary greatness before me (along with Meryl's stunning portrayal).

But alas I had to go home. Home with my mind filled with such wonderful things like Le Cresuset dutch ovens, coq au vin, All Clad copper pots, beurre blanc, lobster Bearnaise, and pretty, pretty knives.

And this is why I said mistake. I have no Le Creuset, or copper pots. I cannot afford lobster. My culinary creativity has been stifled by fickle toddlers, a slightly limited palette from my husband (no mushrooms?), a time pressed schedule and grocery budget.

So for now I will amuse myself with peasant dishes (like Julia's ratatouille, on tonights dinner menu) and caramelized onions and Boursin on my grilled veggie panini for lunch. I will be elbow deep in dough this afternoon, and contemplating creative new kinds of cupcakes. Because flour and sugar are oh-so-cheap. I will thrive on the very occasional trip to a nice restaurant, and salivate for weeks on end about the memory of the last one, and the luscious dishes to come at the next.

So this is why I will urge you to go see this movie with caution. If you aren't a food lover, than go, maybe it will ignite your senses to a wondrous world you were previously in the dark about. But if you already consider yourself a "foodie" and the sight of a well made pastry sets heartbeat a little faster, than I will just say, you have been warned.

2009-08-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

I just saw an interview with Jim Carey where he was talking about his upcoming movie The Christmas Carol (based on the book by Charles Dickens) and he refers to it as "one of the greatest stories of redemption ever written".

Um, no. I'm pretty sure that was The Bible.

2009-08-03T12:44:00.001-07:00

I just got offered the possibility of pretty much my dream "job" (because it involves work, but I don't get paid for it) but I am not sure I can take it.

I have this problem of being passionate about a lot of things and not being able to do them all at once. At least not well.

I want to be able to make some extra money by baking cupcakes, be a great mom, lead my small group of high school girls and be there for them when they need me, be a great wife, keep my house fairly clean, have a healthy good meal on the table every night, and be involved in my bible study and attend a small group.

I really wish I could do it all. If it weren't for the whole house and meal thing, I think it would be close call.

So do I say yes because I really want to do it, and think it would be awesome to do it, or do I wait and pray for better timing. Sigh. Such big decisions accompany adulthood. Sometimes my brain hurts from so many of them.

2009-07-26T18:39:00.000-07:00

My friend put this quote on her blog:

"to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." --c.s. lewis

I love this quote. For many reasons, but for one in particular.

I didn't have the most healthy of love relationships modeled to me as I was growing up. The thought of really loving someone, let alone trusting someone enough to consider marrying them scared the crap out of me.

I realize some people aren't big advocates of the idea of knowing right away when you meet someone that they are "the one", but I am. Within weeks of dating Chris and I knew where our relationship was headed. In fact we were in the midst of filling out our STINT (short term international, our trip to Ukraine) applications, and it asked if we were in a serious relationship that we saw ending in marriage. A little awkward that soon, but we had to talk about what we were going to put.

Right before the conversation I started freaking out. I knew that was where my heart was headed if let it, but I also knew the potential heart break and pain that could ensue if I let it go there, and I hadn't made up my mind I wanted it to go there yet. Fear gripped me.

I called my BFF. She's so smart, and always there. In college we used to call each other at 3am if there was a crisis. This was not 3am, but it was a crisis. Being the smart person she is, and a reader of theologians like C.S. Lewis which I love her for, she busted this quote out on me. I know it was a God thing that He had her reading it, and that she could give it to me. It rocked my world at that point. There was so much that I wasn't willing to be vulnerable with and God exposed my heart for what it was. Cold.

That quote helped me to open my heart to God, and to the most amazing man I get to call my husband. I realized my lack of vulnerability, and in turn my lack of love. I saw relationships (not just with Chris, but friends) that I wasn't being vulnerable in, in how I served, in how I shared, in how I led.

It still brings tears to my eyes when I read it now. I always want to strive to be vulnerable, at whatever the cost, because when I am vulnerable is when love (God) can be seen.

2009-07-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

I found this in some research I was doing:

People sometimes ask why, if Satan is real, we don't see more demon possession and exorcisms in America. I have an idea. Satan holds American Christianity so tightly in the vice-grip of comfort and wealth that he's not about to tip his hand with too much demonic tomfoolery. What Satan fears most in this church is an outpouring of the Holy Spirit that causes us to say with Paul, "I count everything as refuse that I might gain Christ . . . that I might know the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings, becoming like him in his death."

John Piper (emphasis mine)

I love JP. He's awesome, and puts it all in perspective. I've been feeling discouraged of recently (as I'm sure you might be able to tell by my previous post) finding really good friends. Not just people to hang out with, or acquaintances, but someone who can be a source of encouragement and challenge me to become a better person and to press deeper into Christ. I realize it might make me sound a little crazy, but I don't want someone to just hang out with. I want more, I want a soul connection.

And it frustrates me that this seems to be something that is so difficult to find. Is it me? Is it them? Do they just not want that kind of relationship with someone? There are a bijillion questions of confusion that run through my mind. For now though, I know what to pray for. An outpouring of the Holy Spirit. Not just for my sake (because I think an indwelling of the HS makes one desire relationships like that) but Christ's sake.

2009-07-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

No matter how good of friendships I've developed here, sometimes I just still feel like the newbie. I'm not sure if it's just my insecurity that makes me feel this way, or well...things actually being that way.

See a big part of what makes really good friends is history. And history I don't have. Not here.

As much as I love living in Atlanta, and being away from home, and the fresh perspective living in two new regions of the country has given me, it's awful hard to have history in a place you have only lived one year. Home has got plenty of history. The city does anyhow, but most of the people that I developed that history with are now scattered across the country. Arizona, Oklahoma, Miami...I've only got one good friend that still lives in STL.

I miss history. Knowing when it's okay to call someone and when it's not, knowing if they prefer to communicate by phone, email, or FB. Being able to say one word or phrase that will immediately send you both into fits of laughter. Understanding why when something happens in their life why it's so much more of an ordeal because of a past thing that it brings up that you know about. Being welcomed into their homes with big hugs from their family where you can all sit around and catch up. Most of all though, I think I miss being known.

Maybe someday I will get some history here. Or maybe not. Maybe there is just something special about the combination of high school and college where you develop deep and meaningful relationships. Something that those of us who dare to follow God's calling to new places must maintain through the blessings of technology.

Sometimes though, the thought of a cup of coffee with someone with history, or just hanging out around a kitchen counter, Bread Co. (where you know their order before they say it), or a girls night at Bahama Breeze warms my heart and makes me homesick.

Today is one of those days.

2009-07-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

Home and settled. The boys still seem to be catching up on sleep a little bit though, seeing as how all 3 of them are sleeping right now.

What a crazy 7 days. It seems so odd that they were all back to back, and I feel like so much more happened than I will never have time to blog about.

Camp. Camp was... crazy. Interesting. Not at all like a vacation. It was nice to be at the beach and all, but I traded my job as a full time mom to two handsome boys that I can discipline however and whenever I want for babysitting/teaching 7 freshmen teenage girls that I had little control over.

All of us counselors were reminded several times that we were essentially completely responsible for our students and should know where they were at all times. No pressure right? I felt more intimidated about taking care of them then I did my own kids.

The girls that I had in my group were 3 girls that had attended my small group before, and 4 that I had never met. None of my core group of girls were able to come. This only added to my anxiousness of not knowing what to expect and how they would perceive me.

I was very surprised at the amount of spiritual warfare I saw present that week. Particularly towards the leaders. It was as if the enemy knew that was his easiest way to bring the students down, and did everything in his power to get at us. There were several instances of immediate family members of leaders having severe medical issues, and several other even more intense circumstances that are too sensitive to mention here. I really was surprised by the severity of it. However I was immensely blessed by the women leaders who hung out when we could, and got together to pray for individuals and as a whole on more than one occasion and encouraged on an other. I am so grateful to be in the midst of such amazing women. It's been a long time.

Being fairly new to the youth, and only really dealing with my group of girls on Wednesday nights, I'm not as familiar with this generation outside of my girls. Being immersed in it at camp, I was shocked to see what I think is a really big problem within this generation. A lack of respect. I feel old just saying that. I'm sure every generation has said that about the one behind them, but I really was impressed about the intensity of disrespect and downright undermining of authority.

Mind you my parents did a very good job of raising me to be a polite. In fact I think I called my in laws Mr. and Mrs. Kelly until almost a year after we were married and my MIL finally asked me to stop. It's almost second nature to me, and I still have to catch myself not offending others by calling them too proper of a name. But that's how I roll, and how my children are going to roll, and I think it's important because it teaches you about so much more.

The most disconcerting thing to me about the lack of respect shown is this: if in a camp environment you can't show me or another leader respect, then the chances are you don't show your parents much respect, if you don't show them respect how are you ever going to allow Christ to have any authority and respect His leadership over your life? Not to mention Christ commands us to respect those put in authority over us, even those who we don't agree with (I have a whole soap box on that, but another time...). Hebrews 13:17 got busted out a lot that week.

Camp was good. I learned some things too, which hopefully at some point I will have a chance to blog about. It ended with hugs and a salad (the food was horrible), and my wonderful husband whisking me off to Savannah.

I like that he met me halfway, I felt special getting to leave early and go to a romantic place. Words cannot describe Savannah. We hadn't been away just the two of us since our honeymoon. We probably could have gone to a shack in the woods and had a great time. You almost forget how much chemistry you have together without children involved. We checked into our hotel and got ready to head to dinner. While we were getting ready I was trying to put my bracelet on, realizing that at some point it must have broke. I was bummed because it was the only one I had with me, and I really liked it. Chris came in with a small wrapped box and said, I don't have a bracelet, but I do have something that might make it better. I was quite surprised. We don't usually do gifts because of money, and we especially don't do them when we are going away on a wonderful trip. The box contained absolutely perfect diamond earrings. I could not have picked more perfect ones out myself. Princess cut, screw back, perfection.

Then we went to dinner and had the most amazing meal of our lives. Jazz'd Tapas. If you are ever in Savannah, go. In fact, go to Savannah just to go there. The food was SO good. They had a live jazz band playing that was quite talented too. The only thing that could have made it better was a pastry chef and more energy. Four nights of 5 hours or less of sleep in a row were getting to me, and our dinner reservation was at 9:30.

The rest was great, we did the Trolley tours, walked around, ate at some more wonderful restaurants. We got up Sunday planning to grab a quick breakfast and see a few more spots before we grabbed lunch and headed home. God had other plans. I love it when he has other plans.

We were looking at a map, being obvious tourists trying to remember where Jazz'd was since I saw a great breakfast place across the street from it where we wanted to go. A homeless man came up to us asking if he could help us find where it was. We had already pretty much figured it out, but Chris chatted with him a minute amusing him wanting to help. He offered to help us find it. Knowing where we were going, and my protective husband wanting to be cautious he told him he thought we could get there. Then the guy just asked us if we could get him some food. I was intrigued that he asked for food and not money, as must have been my husband who had been carrying most of the conversation up until that point, because after an agreeing glance from me, he asked him to walk with us to breakfast place.

What proceeded was a very sad story. A Vietnam vet, disabled from depression and diabetes, family who wasn't unable to take him in, and no government assistance. But then God stepped in. Somehow he had found a church and he had hope, things were beginning to look up for him. There were connections he had made, and potential shelter coming in the future. After we got our food (which we were previously going to eat and walk) we sat down and Joseph asked to pray. And pray he did. He thanked God for bringing us to him, among many other things. We chatted with him for a while as he ate, hearing more about his story. He got shrimp and grits, because that's what his momma used to make that he loved, and he hadn't had it in years. We got him some fruit, and juice, to help keep his blood sugar from crashing. We're not cash people (meaning we hardly ever carry it, or much of it) but as we finally left Chris gave him all that we had. He kept saying how grateful he was that God brought us to him.

I was grateful too. Grateful that maybe we could help in some small way, and grateful that God would remind us of His heart. After leaving with Joseph's situation on my mind, and some other things that Chris and I have been dealing with, I'm impressed and confused by God's grace.

I am a blessed woman. I have an incredible husband, and two healthy handsome smart boys. While my house isn't the biggest or even decorated yet, I have a beautiful home, with nice furniture, and two cars. We have found a wonderful church and have the start of some hopefully good friendships. But why me? Why do I get so much? Not that I'm not grateful, but why do I get to have it so easy when some have it so hard? I know I have gone through some struggles, but they pale in comparison to the things that others have had to deal with. I have always had a meal waiting on me. I have always had a roof over my head. I have never gone without medical care. I have never been sexually abused. I have so much, and others have had to fight for everything that they have.

I am grieved by their wounds and what they do without, and I feel so insignificant when I try to help or give, or support with friendship and prayer. My heart hurts for these people and what they have lived with and had to endure, and I'm not sure what to do with that. I know I do what I can, and what God gives me the ability to do and that He will use that. I have faith in that, and the healing power and supplication that only He can provide in such miraculous ways. But sometimes, I just don't understand. And I don't think I'm supposed to. He's God, and He has his reasons. I may not understand or agree but I know that my God is a God of love and mercy, patience and grace, and I must trust that He has these people in His hands, and that He is doing a work that He will get great glory from. So I pray, and do what I can, and most importantly trust in that.

So that is how my week of festivities ended. I'm still processing through a lot of it, but I love how in the most unexpected circumstances (like leading/teaching/caring for seven 15 year old girls, or your anniversary trip to Savannah) God finds a way to teach me, and to humble me, and pull me closer to Him. What a great God I serve.

2009-07-03T06:20:00.000-07:00

I leave on Monday for camp. Youth camp that is. I'm going as a leader. I also just found out they made me bus captain. Bus captain? I wasn't scared but between that and the dress up nights I found out they have (luau, movie night, and 70's???) I'm feeling a little intimidated.

I'm super excited though, I just hope that in a short amount of time I'll be able to get a good read on the girls I have (most of my regulars aren't coming) and know how best to interact with them.

I come back from camp on Friday, and then Chris and I turn right around and head to Savannah to celebrate our 5 year anniversary.

Five years. It seems like no time at all. We also have never, in five years, taken a trip just the two of us. Okay, well there was one time we went to a wedding in KC, but it was for one night, and I was 8 months pregnant, March madness finals were on and a bunch of his guy friends were there too. It just wasn't that kind of trip.

It's also the first time we've really got to celebrate our anniversary. We're always having babies or moving. So it's kind of a big deal all around.

I like celebrating our anniversary. It's just an excuse to remind myself again why I'm a very blessed girl. My husband, is pretty much amazing. I know every girls says that, but mine really is.

I have never met another guy more worthy of respect than my husband. Okay, maybe Mr. Hillis, but I think Chris is a lot like him, so it's kind of the same thing. He's just so solid. I know that sounds odd, but I continue to be in awe of his unwavering rock solid views on life. He doesn't ever seem to question if something is right or wrong, he just knows what is right and does it. This goes across the board at church, social gatherings, and work. He doesn't have one face for one group and another for someone else.

His work ethic is beyond anything I've ever seen, he gives 110% all the time. He never slacks on doing a good job, and he has called in sick maybe once or twice in 5 years of working there. He's courteous to everyone and doesn't get sucked into office drama or politics. He helps his co-workers out when they are behind, and when they come to him for questions takes time out of his busy schedule to answer and help them.

This applies at home and church too, whether it be helping around the house (we actually have fights about him wanting to clean) leading our small group, or being a dad. He is always giving himself away to people, and helping to serve them.

He's kind and generous, has a strong moral standard, but isn't a stick in the mud. Somehow he manages to be everything to everyone without compromising any of himself.

Some people think he is quiet when they first meet him which seems so odd to me. I think that it's the fact that he isn't going to run his mouth about nothing. If he has something to say, he'll say it, but he's not going to jump in with a bunch of people and talk just to talk. He's thoughtful and intentional about what he says. And hilarious. There is no one that can make me laugh as much as he can. If you know him well, you know what I'm talking about, no further explanation needed.

Most importantly he is a servant leader. Everywhere, but mainly in our house. I haven't had the best of luck with male authority figures in my life, but there has never been one ounce of fear regarding his leadership of me and our family with him. If there is an area he realizes he hasn't been the greatest in, he doesn't hesitate to apologize.

He's an amazing husband, father (it's kind of ridiculous how much our kids adore their daddy), friend, leader... the list could go on forever.

If there is ever a time where I'm being less than grateful all God has to do is remind me of who I married, and what He gave me. That alone is prompt to worship and praise His faithfulness, goodness, and most importantly mercy.

The very first time I met Chris I told God I wanted to marry a guy like that. I just never imagined I would actually get to marry that guy!

2009-07-01T11:13:00.001-07:00

I have self-confidence issues. And I have an overly analytical brain. This is a very bad combination.

It results in thoughts like these, while preparing for a playdate the next morning:

"What should I pack the kids and I for lunch? Should I just pack what we usually eat? But what if they don't think I feed my kids healthy enough, and what if they look at what am I eating and think that is the reason why I'm fat (mind you the kids eat turkey, cheese, and fruit, and I have a turkey sandwich on wheat bread and fruit). I have to go to the gym before it, all my gym clothes are old and ratty, what if they think I'm a complete slob? Should I go home and change first?"

It's so annoying, and it goes on like this all of the stinking time. Especially in social situations, I am always criticizing myself, or wondering if I said too much, or the wrong thing, or a bijillion other critiques.

I've always been a self aware person. Aware of what I'm wearing, how I'm put together, the overall image I'm portraying. However I wasn't always so critical of myself in what I said. In fact I probably used to be not critical enough of the things that came out of my mouth. Now I'm overly critical, and yet I still say overly harsh things all the time.

I think Ukraine, and babies messed me up.

Let me explain that. In Ukraine I was made aware of a lot of negative qualities in myself. While I am grateful that they were brought to my attention, I was not approached in a very kind or loving manner on these issues. In fact many of the things I had even previously liked about myself were criticized while there.

I came home feeling very aware of every little thing I said and did, and felt like everyone was watching all of my mistakes ready to attack me about them just like happened there.

Within two years of that I had a baby. I gained 50 pounds while I was pregnant, and 30 of them hung around. The little self confidence that I had left had been based on my appearance. Add that to a non existent clothing budget (my other crutch), and you can imagine the damage.

Since then I've been able to regain some of my confidence back. It's mostly confidence in who I am, and what I know about myself to be true, i.e. what God has given me, done in me and who He has created me to be.

But when it comes to social situations, I'm a disaster. It doesn't help to be in a fairly new place with fairly new friends, who don't really know me either.

It's a really annoying cycle, and my mind is my biggest enemy. Replaying all of the bad scenes, wrong words used, questionable humor and bad actions. Sometimes I really wish God had made an off switch for it.

2009-06-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

So in hindsight, watching Benjamin Button the same weekend my baby boy turned 1 probably wasn't the best of ideas. It only contributed to the echoing thought in my head: how fast this all seems to be going.

More annoyingly I feel as though I have been squandering the precious time I have been given with them as little ones. On the job training is rough.

Thankfully, I'm picking up some of the lessons before it's all too late.

The first year with your first one is incomprehensible. Your too busy just tyring to survive to even think about treasuring moments. Add to that an expectation of moving away from your friends and family, contemplating a career change, and dealing with the additional 30 pounds your carrying around and all that it does to your formerly know self confidence, and you can pretty much rule it out all together. Josh turning a year old was one of the biggest causes to celebrate that I had ever heard of. I was so glad to be done with that.

After moving to CT (shortly after he turned one), I was thrust once again into survival mode. What with no friends, family, church, and a host of other things that we did without, we became focused on getting out of there as quickly as we could. Except in the process of submitting resumes, and repainting the entire house, we forgot to live in the present. Some of my favorite times with Josh slipped by without me taking more careful note of what I was losing.

Then Jack came, and right behind it the move to Georgia. It was all that we hoped it would be. Great house, great people, great church, new friends, and new things to be involved again. Once again we had a life. After living in two years of isolation I jumped at all the new possibilities of doing something. This past semester Chris and I led a small group, I was in a Beth Moore bible study, and I lead a small group of girls in the youth on Wednesdays. Add on to that providing some sort of baked good for my youth girls every week, providing snack for our small group most of the time, a couple of dinners or other cooking obligation for other occurrences, and I have been going almost nonstop.

Then Jack turned one. And I realized even though I had been trying to be more intentional about treasuring the moments I had, I hadn't been intentional enough about making the memories.

I like being busy. I like being able to do everything for everyone and make everyone happy. I like being super mom. Problem is, I only need to be super mom in the eyes of two people (okay, maybe three). And I don't feel like I was doing the best job at that. So with more time off this summer (PTL!) I've been looking at the priorities. Something is going to go, and I will not be saying yes every time someone asks me to make something. Besides I have a business now, they can pay me : )

I don't want to just have more time at home or more down time. I still want to be busy, but busy spending time with my guys, playing with them, taking them to the park, making things that they actually get to help with, and building memories with them.

Parenting little ones is tough work. Anybody who can't admit that has amnesia. It's one of the most draining, exhausting, monotonous jobs. It's easy to get caught up in it and just trudge through trying to survive. In that process you loose sight of the beauty in that period.

I've been in survival mode, and I've done being focused on the "next thing" missing what is right in front of me. I've also done "my thing" being so busy with all my obligations that I forget how quickly it's all going by.

Now I'm going to try to figure out "our thing". Where I get to do what I'm really passionate about, and get the occasional breaks I need to keep me from going insane, but where what needs to be done around the house is getting done, and where both of the boys are getting undivided attention each day. The most important part: letting it be intentional, and not a schedule, or obligation, but really having my eyes open to all the wonderful parts of this time and enjoying it.

I'm just so thankful that God has opened my eyes to this while my oldest is only 4, instead of 18! How great is his mercy!

2009-06-11T13:05:00.000-07:00

One of my dear friends once told me that making friends once you're out of college is like dating. I have found that observation to be very true. Particularly since moving to a new area that holds the possibility of new friendships (unlike CT).

Like right now, I have a couple of people that I have found that I consider myself to be friends with, and a handful of additional acquaintances. However, just like dating there is a big difference between just dating, and being boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm not looking to just date (casual friendships) I want a boyfriend (close friend).

I consider myself blessed to have the close friends that I do, however all of mine are a plane ride (or at least a days drive) away. It would be so nice to have someone in the same city that really knows whats going on in my life, who I can call on the phone without feeling weird, go out for a girls night with, and challenge me.

So how do I get there with the potential close friends that I have now? Like in dating does one person have to propose the idea, or declare it? And then there's the obvious, but what if they don't want the same level of relationship that I do? What if they are happy where we are at? What if they're too busy, or have better close friend options, or if I'm just not what they're looking for?

Then there is the issue of if you're friends (analogy for husband and kids) don't like them or don't get along with their friends.

Obviously both being girls there's not one person that's supposed to make the move, so I'm just stuck. Wanting more, but not knowing how to get it. And not wanting to be rejected if I ask for it.

And this is why I have a whole analogy on why the suburbs are like high school. But that is a whole other post.

2009-06-09T14:22:00.000-07:00

I had to go to the doctor yesterday. I say had to because of just that I had to. Every spring or fall (depending on the year) in STL I would get a sinus infection. Now for some reason or another in CT I escaped this problem (that makes one positive for CT and 539 negatives). However apparently in Georgia this issue is making it's return.

That is why I had to go to the doctor. I had a sinus infection, I knew what it was, and I knew what I needed (anything other than the z-pak they always try to waste my time on, it never works!). Bu they control the drugs, so to them I went.

Mind you going was a process, since we haven't had to find a general practitioner for Chris and I yet. Lucky for me I was already in my pediatricians office that morning for Jack's ear infection so I asked for a referral while I was in there. Since the place I was recommended to was just around the corner I thought I would see if they had anything within the next hour or two. They practically laughed at me when I asked. Okay, sure I guess I will take 3:15. Right in the middle of my youngest (cranky ear infected, much needed) nap time. Thankfully the hubs came to the rescue saying he would just come home early and flex a few hours. Then I had to get online and print the forms (about 12 pages of them) with my own ink on my own paper, that I paid money for, and fill them out.

So off I finally went. After a chilly greeting (umh hello, do I not live in the south?) and staring at the ceiling (seriously, not even a good magazine) I was ushered back by a nurse who mumbled through a Jamaican accent. She was carrying a computer. She made me put down my bag, take off my shoes, and my sunglasses (?!) and step on the scale. I don't like typing on a computer while I am on a scale.

So we headed to the room. No eye contact, listed symptoms, blood pressure, take off sunglasses (for my BP?!). More typing, and she leaves, mumbling something.

Doctor in, with computer, no eye contact, no introduction, asked to list symptoms, I list them to no response. Typing. Finally she gets up looks in my ears and nose, then sits. Typing. No eye contact. Then she say let's get a sinus x-ray and then we'll go from there. Umh, a sinus x-ray???? Since when did they invent that, and when do they have it in office? I wanted to scream, no, I know what I have, don't make me pay, don't make me pay! But I said nothing, and went to the xray room. Same mumbling nurse, take off sunglasses.

Finally the doctor returns (with computer) to tell me, oh, that's right, I DO have a sinus infection (thank you Captain Obvious) and after trying to sell me on Z-Pak and telling her it has never worked on me she writes me a prescription for some other drug which I presume is a generic penicillin of some sort. Finally, the goods.

I drop off the prescription (of course Walgreen's is taking 1/2 an hour to fill them) and go home. Hubs to the rescue again goes and picks it up. Comes home to tell me the goods cost $130.00. There were no words. Jack had gotten antibiotics that morning and they were $9.00. Pharmacist tried to call the doctor, and surprise, couldn't reach them. And you can't exactly return a filled prescription.

I will not be returning to that doctor, and am already wincing at the very idea of the bill. We're trying to find a new one now, and there will be an interview process. It will consist of: do your nurses and doctors use computers?

2009-06-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling rather conflicted recently. Chris tells me it's because I over analyze things.

So I grew up in a fairly affluent area. There was a row of BMW and Mercedes cars at my high school, as well as at our church. I was used to how people in the regular world dealt with money, mainly because they didn't know any better. But a lot of what I saw in the church really bothered me.

I always said I didn't want to have a lot of money, because I have seen what it can do to people. Not to mention the bible speaks over and over of the potential repercussions. It always seemed like something very dangerous to have, and I would have preferred to just stay away instead of figuring out how to handle with care.

Well it's amazing how having two children (and more in the future) to provide for, and living in the suburbs can change your mind.

I guess it was the naivete of my youth when I thought we could just do okay, and still be able to get our kids through college, and eventually build our dream home.

Problem is, I want to be able to put my kids in swimming lessons on a whim, and piano, and soccer, and baseball, and whatever else I or they want to be involved in. I want them to be able to go to any college that they want, and mom and dad not have to say no because of the accompanying price tag. And I want to build my dream house with a wrap around porch, six burner gas stove, double oven, commercial grade refrigerator, and a fun little loft are where my grand kids will love to explore.

But I don't want money.

But I want....

But I don't want money.

See the ridiculousness of my thoughts? Not to mention, my husband has just happened to get himself into a job that he is rather good at and continues to move up in and makes a bit more than that whole music minister gig would have.

So now I want... and eventually I could have... but I don't want money.

I would rather feed children in India or Africa than have a Coach bag. I think spending $30 on any shoes other than tennis shoes is extravagant. Probably 50% of my wardrobe is from Target, and if for some reason my husband wanted to go buy a BMW, I would cry over the amount of mission trips we could have gone on for that price tag, or the number of missionaries we could have supported, or the children we could have fed, or the people we could have given water, or the homeless we could have helped shelter, or the number of women we could have help escape sex trafficking.

But I could justify driving a brand new Acadia, and I'd be okay building that dream house, and I wouldn't argue a larger (okay, existent) clothes budget. Why is it that what I feel is acceptable is the standard? Maybe to someone a BMW is their low end choice as opposed to the Ferrari they really wanted.

That's just like God to make it all about the heart.

I'm struggling with becoming something I didn't want be, or wanting something I didn't want to want. Does that make me a bad person? Or is God humbling me, and reminding me that he showed me all the wrong things that can happen with money so I didn't make that mistake. Maybe not wanting to be that person is enough to not be.

2009-05-31T18:37:00.000-07:00

I love how only the God of creation could write something so brilliant that it could touch and move anyone that reads it in a way that is unique to their heart.

I am currently amazed at this in how I get to relate the bible to Josh. We're in full fledged boy mode here at the Kelly's. I get shot on a daily basis, and bad guys are always being fought or chased.

Usually Chris and I tag team on bed times, he takes Josh and I handle Jack. With him out of town last week and this, I've been doing double duty. It's really nice to be able to get that time with Josh again though, I forgot how much I missed it.

Anyhow, since I have been putting him down, and I don't know Charlie stories (awhile back Chris started randomly making up stories about this guy named Charlie and his friends Jimmy, Ricky Bobby, and some other crazy names, there is a running story line of which I have not been apprised of it's developments) every night he asks me for a "God story".

What I love is that in the phase of his life right now, I can pick one of several dozen stories off the top of my head that can relate to him where he is at, and better yet, get him excited about God and what he does. His favorite is David (throwing a rock at a bad guy, please, no contest!), but he also is attentive to anything with bad guys, fighting, or soldiers. Lucky for me, that's like half the bible. At least. Tonight I told him how cool God is that he can take someone who is a bad guy, and make him good. I used the story of Saul/Paul to illustrate this (again, anything with rock throwing goes along way with a 4 yr old boy!).

I am enchanted with the fact that the same book that for years has romanced me and told me I was beautiful, showed me love in a thousand different forms, and is the ultimate love story, is the same book that is teaching my boy what it means to be a man, what a real fight looks like, what true strength is, and how to be a leader.

I am in awe of this books power and greatness, and the God, MY God, who wrote it.

2009-05-26T17:58:00.000-07:00

So I'm hoping my summer break brings a slightly slower pace. We've been running around like crazy now for a couple of months. However my last ministry obligation that requires preparation will officially end as of tomorrow night. Weird. To have two months off. And then, even when it all starts up again, Josh will be in school. SCHOOL. Mind you it is technically preschool, but it's 4 days a week, it might as well be school. I'm still processing through the fact that he is four. School will be a whole other step I don't have to deal with until September.

Lots of thoughts about parenthood recently. It seems so ironic to me that I want so badly not to screw it all up, but at the same time have the knowledge that somehow, some where I'm going to. Maybe the sheer desire to want to give it my all and do my best will help me not to mess up, or at least not as badly as I would if I weren't intentional about it.

There's a line in the movie The Emperor's New Groove (side note: one of the best movies ever, for kids and for adults. so funny.) where the villain is talking about this person that just fired her and she is extremely upset with, she says "who does he think he is, I practically raised him!" and then her sidekick replies "yeah, you think he would have turned out better." It cracks me up how parents talk about their kids behavior in astonishment, like they have no idea how the behavior developed. Mind you their are a few cases that really are out of nowhere, but more often than not, the children learn from the parents.

Josh is stubborn, and loves being around people. If you know me, neither one of these is a big surprise that my child when have these charachteristics.

I really hope that when (I really think it's more a when and not "if") my kids start behaving in ways that I think are not good, that I can step back and instead of just getting upset with them for their behavior or actions or labeling them as a "difficult child", ask myself what I did, or am doing to create the situation where they feel the need to behave like that.

I want to be a reasonable, understanding, clear thinking, Godly minded parent. Lord willing. Hopefully the sheer understanding of knowing what it is like to not have that will help me have a propensity towards this.

Everything that is good in me came from God, and everything that's wrong is because of our parents. Lord help me!

2009-05-11T12:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough week.

Earlier last week Josh was doing some of the worst misbehaving he had ever done. Jack also has at least two teeth coming in right. I was already pretty worn down, and then Thursday morning (about 3am) came and Josh started puking. He followed it up with several recurrences throughout the day, until late afternoon when he was finally feeling better. About that time I started to feel really crummy, I kept trying to ignore it, but by about 4pm I was over the toilet too. In fact I went there at least once an hour until about 10pm that night. And I'm sure you can guess, but Chris was sick with it by mid-afternoon the next day.

Somehow Jack didn't seemed to be affected by it (PTL!). It was rough, I don't think I have ever been that sick before that it didn't land me in the hospital, and Chris said he hadn't ever had anything this bad before, even while we lived in Ukraine.

As many of you know, Josh's birthday was Friday, and mine was yesterday. So far all celebrations have gone by the way side due to the destruction the stomach bug left in it's midst.

Just when I thought things were getting some what back to normal, I woke up to Chris coming over to tell me he tried to go into work, but before he was too far down the street his car started over heating and billowing smoke. Sweet.

It has just been one of those weeks where almost everything that can go wrong, has.

And in the midst of it all, I have been dealing with a very bad attitude. The suburbs have been affecting me in all sorts of negative ways, and I have no patience or grace to deal with any of the misfortune that we've dealt with.

It was not a good Sunday to have to miss church! Hopefully normalcy will be restored soon, along with my attitude!

2009-05-06T07:28:00.000-07:00

I love reading Acts and learning about what the church looked like at the beginning, before it became all institutionalized. I love the grass roots feel of it, and how no matter what any one needed, the church as a whole pitched in to take care of them. There is also a part of my heart that longs for this type of setup, knowing deep down that this is really how it's supposed to be. Wanting to be a part of something like that, but admittedly, not thinking it was possible.

My mind is beginning to be changed. Through our small group. I think if the church is to get back to the grass roots feel, this is the most likely form for it to take.

Our small group is great, there are so many ways I can see how God completely orchestrated the coming together of our group. It's been really neat for us since one family lives just up the street from us. They have a son, Joshua who is 2 months older than Josh and he is Josh's best friend. They will go to the same preschool next fall, and eventually go to the same elementary school. It's great that Josh has someone to play with all the time, and someone who will help ease some of the big transitions he's coming up on.

Two weekends ago, Chris had been talking to Steve (small group, Joshua's dad) about some of the problems with our Honda. He loves to work on cars, and offered to come look at it. He spent a couple of hours of his Saturday afternoon playing with our car.

This weekend, we needed to get some mulch, and they have a truck, Steve took Chris to go get mulch, and the proceeded to help us spread it all out. That night, they were needed help moving some things, so Chris headed up there to help out. This Monday was his wife, Claudia's birthday and they had made a cake for her (I may have played a small role in recipe supplication), they had leftovers and brought some down to us. This weekend Chris is headed over to their house to help them with their mulch.

We found out one of the other couples in our small group had their septic system back up into their house this weekend, damaging most of their main floor, and requiring extensive repairs. Within 48 hours, everyone from our group had either called or emailed checking on them to see if they needed anything, or there was anything we could do.

I'm so impressed by our groups servant hearts.

I feel blessed to be a part of this group, but even more so blessed by getting to see the way God really created the church to interact with one another being lived out right before me.

You need to keep in mind that we are all people with very different backgrounds and upbringings, some didn't grow up in the church, and those of us that did are from all different denominations. There is almost a 20 year age gap from oldest to youngest in our group. Some people have been married almost 10 years, and some only 2. All this to say, that we aren't a group of people that would probably tend to gravitate towards each other on our own, what brings us together, and what we all have in common is Christ.

I never really thought I would get to see something comparable to the Acts church. Not only do I get to see that being lived out, but I get to be a part of it. How cool is that?

2009-05-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

I am kind of over having children today.

I know that sounds bad, but it's true. Not that I don't love my kiddos, I do, and would do anything for them, but today... today was one of those days.

At some point (generally) after you are married, you start getting these faint ideas in your mind of how fun having a baby would be. Those inklings turn into wanting, and produce full fledged "gotta have" desire.

Even after your first at some point you regain your sanity and want another one, because at this point, you can handle one. And they are still cute.

Two... it all changes with two. Well, it all changes with one, but it really changes with two. That's when you are really IN parenthood.

There is no more time for the two of you, no more down time, or time to get anything done. Your life is completely and utterly consumed with children.

And sometimes it's fun.

And sometimes it's not.

Sometimes the novelty and joy of being a parent has worn off and you are just in it, and overwhelmed by it. And you are over it, looking forward to the next phase of life.

While we had stopped on our way to STL at a Cracker Barrel, a man sitting at the next table told me "to enjoy this, these are the best days of your life". I smiled and nodded.

But really I thought: who are you kidding? I mean the guy was kind of old, so maybe he had forgotten.

Don't get me wrong, there are things about having little kids that are great, and I try to treasure every bit of it that I can. But I think most people who have dealt with this would readily admit, it's exhausting!

Not to metion, I don't want any period of my life to "be the best". I want to appreciate every phase for what it has to offer, and to make the most of it, glorifying God to the best of my abilities during it. And then I want to move on the next one and do the same, not dwelling on any period, longing for that, but appreciating it, what it did for making me who I am and what God did during it, and continue living my life. Not for the past, not for the future, but for today, and how I can best glorify God in today.

But there are somedays when I am ready for Heaven. Today was one of those days.

2009-05-02T07:36:00.001-07:00

2009-04-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

Read this. If it doesn't break your heart, then I'm not sure you have one.

I want to go to India.

2009-04-27T17:08:00.000-07:00

It feels like I have been gone for a long time. I apologize for my absence. It's been a pretty crazy last two weeks.

First off we went to STL. Which was quite possibly the worst road trip we ever had. The kids had been sick, but were feeling better by the time we left. The first night we were there we were woken up by Josh at 3am. We were pretty much up with him the rest of the night with him complaining that his ear hurt. We had to take him into the Urgent Care the next day to be diagnosed with an ear infection (really? we had no idea.... sometime the whole doctor thing and having to get told what you already knew was wrong with your kids annoys me, but that is another post.).

Apparently the dose of antibiotics the prescribed him was ridiculously large for him and proceeded to completely wipe out his little intestinal tract, with what resulted in several days of horribleness that I cannot even put into words.

We left a day early. What usually takes 10 hours took almost 13. Josh had to stop to go to the bathroom almost every hour (most of the time not even really going) and Jack was teething and we had no access to Tylenol for him. It was bad. Really, really bad. Like the only reason we are even considering going to STL again is because my BIL and SIL are having a baby, if it weren't for that, well... I think it would be a very long time. Even with that trip Chris is wanting to look into airfare.

But we are home now, and normalcy is restored. Somewhat. The other thing that has kept me busy is a job that I have. That's right a job. And I am excited. One of the ladies from our small group last year kept telling me how good my baking was (in particular my cupcakes), and that she was going to hire me. Not thinking much of it, I continued on with my life (except for random daydreams, mentioned in previous posts). Well, a couple weeks she called and wanted me to make 6 dozen cupcakes for a birthday party she is throwing. Umh, heck yes!

So with that opportunity, business cards are being printed, contact information is being prepared, and blogsites are being made. I officially have a business. We'll see what happens.

I've also been having lots of thoughts I hope to get down on here sometime soon, once the dust settles, but for this week: baking.

2009-04-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

Here is some interesting information on nitrates/nitrites.

Here is some more about milk.

And an interesting article about buying organic.

I like the way real food tastes, and makes me feel. Admittedly, I don't like what it does to our budget, but then again, you can't put a price on health, right? I've also found an incredible market that is helping out that whole budget issue.

We are getting ready to head out to STL first thing Thursday morning, for Chris's birthday. I'm looking forward to it.

We're starting a study on the chapter of James in youth tomorrow night. I can't wait to get in to that with the girls. I love having girls in our group that want to go deeper!

No deep thoughts today. My brain is a little fried, and I'm just trying to get everything taken care of before we leave.

I did make these really yummy cupcakes for Easter though. I called them sunshine cupcakes since they were all citrus flavored. Drool over their yumminess.

2009-04-13T14:21:00.000-07:00

Dinner tonight: marinated grilled chicken served with pan fried yucca and a roasted red pepper sauce and grilled asparagus. Yum.

To get a recipe for the chicken and sauce go here. This is our favorite dish to get at Bahama Breeze, and the inspiration for a slight deviation on my part, but the generalities are the same. For the yucca (which is the south american counterpart of the potato, but slightly sweeter) just peel it, boil until soft, and the pan fry until crispy and golden brown, sprinkling with salt when done cooking.

By the grace of God am I able to get this meal done tonight. After a trip to the doctor (for two sick kids!), a trip to Target to get a prescription and supplies for said sick kids, a stop for a movie pickup (yeah Redbox!), and dealing with whiny, needy sick kiddos all day, mama's ready for a break!

Oh well, just a few more days until we're in STL, land of the grandparents!

2009-04-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

And this.

2009-04-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

A Conversation with Death on Good Friday
April 10, 2009
By: John Piper
Category: Commentary

CHRISTIAN:

Hello, Death, my old enemy. My old slave-master. Have you come to talk to me again? To frighten me?
I am not the person you think I am. I am not the one you used to talk to. Something has happened. Let me ask you a question, Death.
Where is your sting?

DEATH, sneeringly:

My sting is your sin.

CHRISTIAN:

I know that, Death. But that’s not what I asked you. I asked, where is your sting? I know what it is. But tell me where it is. Why are you fidgeting, Death? Why are you looking away? Why are you turning to go? Wait, Death, you have not answered my question. Where is your sting?
Where is, my sin? What? You have no answer? But, Death, why do you have no answer? How will you terrify me, if you have no answer?

O Death, I will tell you the answer. Where is your sting? Where is my sin? It is hanging on that tree. God made Christ to be sin—my sin. When he died, the penalty of my sin was paid. The power of it was broken. I bear it no more.Farewell, Death. You need not show up here again to frighten me. God will tell you when to come next time. And when you come, you will be his servant. For me, you will have no sting.

O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Corinthians 15:55-57)

2009-04-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

Nothing too crazy for dinner tonight. Just chicken terriyaki burgers with french fries by Alexia's, and salad. If you haven't heard of Alexia's you should check them out. Regular grocery stores are carrying them now in the frozen foods section, or by the organic foods area frozen section if they have one.

The company makes everything from hash browns to biscuits. I used to make homemade biscuits until I found theirs (hydrogenated oil free and taste like homemade!). Her french rolls are also something Chris begs me to get more of. They also have a variety of french fries: wedges, sweet potato, waffle... and they are all great and easy to make. I HIGHLY recommend them.

But the real reason I bothered to blog about dinner was because of our salad. I wanted to try something new, and it did not disappoint. In fact I wanted to keep eating it and not think about the rest of the meal. I think I am going to make this a permanent lunch fixture. Y'all should give it a try! It's a spinach salad, but don't let that throw you, it's unlike any other spinach salad I've had. I'm almost hungry again just thinking about it. I wish I had gotten more spinach at the store today...

2009-04-07T13:07:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of things I should be doing right now. Working on dinner, cleaning up my dirty house, doing laundry, interacting with my children.... but all I can do is think about cupcakes.

I want to open my own cupcake place. I think I would call it CupKate. Chris thought of the name, first I laughed at him and told him it was dumb, but then it grew on me. It's specialty would be cupcakes, but as I got the notion I would make other fun treats, like truffles, or sugar cookies.

The best part is that it would be totally mommy geared. Every Tuesdays and Thursdays I would have a make and decorate your own cupcake day with your kiddos class. Plus there would be a play area for kids to play in, and I would offer a gourmet sandwich/salad menu for lunch for the mommies to be able to hang out and actually converse.

It would pretty much be the coolest place ever. And, did I mention the cupcakes?

Now if only I had the money. Anyone interested in investing???

2009-03-31T14:53:00.001-07:00

Brace yourself, this is a long one.

First off, food. I made this amazing bolognese sauce this weekend. My taste buds did a little dance afterwards. I added a little tomato paste, salt, pepper, oregano, additional carrot and omitted the parsley because I didn't have any. I also only used half the ground beef called for, and added a little beef stock to loosen it up (but I also let it simmer longer than it calls for). Try it, you won't be disappointed. In fact, go ahead and make a double batch so you have some to freeze, like I wish I would have done!

Brookies (see last post) were a HUGE hit. In fact, I plan on making mini brookies for my small group girls tomorrow night.

And tonight I am making this. Just because it's a soupy kind of night, and I was out most of the day grocery shopping with friends (which is the BEST!) so I am out brain power to come up with something snazzy.

Now, here is an e-mail I sent my bible study leader yesterday regarding some questions some of the ladies had during our Beth Moore Daniel study (which deals a lot with end times). I thought there was a chance some of my fellow theology nerds might find this interesting, so I am copying the email below.

I've been meaning to look into the question that every one had asked a while back about if, and how Jewish people get to go to Heaven. After researching it some more, I found what is below on John Piper's website from some of his sermons. He refers mainly to modern day Jewish people and their salvation. He doesn't really address OT Jews, and it's a tricky issue since there are several OT references that indicate a guarantee of a followers place in heaven (i.e. Dan. 12:13, 19:26, several Genesis references, etc.). There does not seem to be clear guidance as to why faithful OT believers are in, or when they get in, but particularly with Daniel, I cannot find any arbitrary circumstances he must go through to "get" in, other than Jesus simply says he is in. Of course, the fact that he did have contact with a theophany of Christ may have something to do with that, but that never seemed to be the case for Abraham, or Jacob, or other people that are spoke of (OT and NT) as already being in heaven. And now I am rambling.

All that to say, this may give us a little guidance as to the view on Jewish people going to heaven since the time of the birth of Christ. Also, this all appears to be taking place before the end of the tribulation and the beginning of the thousand year reign (from what I can understand of Rev. 20)

John Piper:

According to the New Testament Jesus Christ is the fulfillment of all the hopes of Israel. He is the Yes to all God's promises (2 Corinthians 1:20). He is the Messiah (Mark 14:61-62; Matthew 16:16; John 20:31; Acts 9:22; 1 John 2:22; 5:1). To reject him is to reject God the Father, and to confess him as the treasured Lord of your life is to be reconciled to God. "Whoever denies the Son does not have the Father; the one who confesses the Son has the Father also" (1 John 2:23). John and Paul learned this from Jesus. When a non-Jewish centurion came to Jesus for the healing of his servant, Jesus opened his heart and said, "Truly I say to you, I have not found such great faith with anyone in Israel. I say to you that many will come from east and west, and recline at the table with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven; but the sons of the kingdom will be cast out into the outer darkness; in that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth" (Matthew 8:10-12).

In other words, a gentile who believes in Jesus will be at the table of inheritance with Abraham in the age to come, but a Jew who does not believe will be cast into outer darkness. This is what Jesus and the apostles taught: gentiles become heirs of Abraham's promises by faith in the Messiah Jesus, and Jews forfeit their final inheritance as Jews if they reject Jesus as the Messiah. It is a profound misunderstanding of Christianity to describe this teaching as an arrogant call for Jews to abandon their heritage. The Biblical way to say it is that "salvation is from the Jews" (John 4:22); and the promises made to Abraham are the root that supports all salvation (Romans 11:18); and the only way for any gentile to be saved is to become a fellow heir of God with Abraham by trusting in the Jewish Messiah.

Separate sermon from John Piper:

I say this clearly and forthrightly because you need to know that this is not believed by the Jewish community, nor, sadly, by some of the Christian leaders in this city. On the contrary, much of the peace and mutual respect between Jews and Christians in this city is built on a denial of Paul's teaching and on an unbiblical teaching that there are two separate ways for Jews and Christians to be saved. Listen to John Stott as he comments on the meaning of salvation in Romans 11:26.

It is understandable that since the holocaust Jews have demanded an end to the Christian missionary activity among them, and that many Christians have felt embarrassed about continuing it. It is even mooted that Jewish evangelism is an unacceptable form of anti-Semitism. So some Christians have attempted to develop a theological basis for leaving Jews alone in their Judaism. Reminding us that God's covenant with Abraham was an “everlasting covenant”, they maintain that it is still in force, and that therefore God saves Jewish people through their own covenant, without any necessity for them to believe in Jesus. This proposal is usually called a “two-covenant theology”. Bishop Krister Stendahl was one of the first scholars to argue for it, namely that there are two different salvation “tracks”—the Christian track for the believing remnant and believing Gentiles, and the track for historical Israel which relies on God's covenant with them.

Romans 11 stands in clear opposition to this trend because of its insistence on the fact that there is only one olive tree, to which Jews and Gentile believers both belong. . . “The irony of this,” writes Tom Wright, “is that the late twentieth century, in order to avoid anti-Semitism, has advocated a position (the non-evangelization of the Jews) which Paul regards precisely as anti-Semitic.” [1]

Yes, and it is not only an irony, but a tragedy. I doubt that a church that surrenders the evangelization of the Jewish people in this way can keep the gospel for long. It will be undermined by denying the necessity of faith in Christ for salvation. The apostle Paul would have found this position of a two-track salvation to be a radical denial of the work of Christ, and a profound failure of love toward Israel.

So let the point be made clearly and soberly today: Salvation comes to Israel and to Gentiles in the same way—through faith in the Deliverer, Jesus the Christ, or it doesn't come at all.

Now the point of today's text is wonderfully more than that. Not only is salvation for Israel only through the Deliverer, Jesus Christ, but this salvation for Israel also is certainly coming. The salvation of Israel is not just a possibility but a certainty. God has given the promise, and God has called Israel for his own, and Paul says in verse 29, “The gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.” So let's read the promise in Romans 11:25-26, “Lest you [Gentiles] be wise in your own conceits, I want you to understand this mystery, brothers: a partial hardening has come upon Israel [we saw that back in verse 7], until the fullness of the Gentiles has come in. 26 And in this way all Israel will be saved, as it is written, ‘The Deliverer will come from Zion, he will banish ungodliness from Jacob.'”

Not: all Israel may be saved, but: all Israel will be saved. Not everyone agrees that “all Israel” refers to the nation as a whole alive in some future generation. Some take “all Israel” to refer to the true spiritual Israel including Jews and Gentiles. Others take it to refer to the remnant of believing ethnic Israel that is being saved all along through faith in Christ. Both of these views deny what I have been arguing for—that there will be a great and stupendous national conversion of Israel some day.

Five Reasons Why I Believe Romans 11:26 Refers to the Nation of Israel as a Whole:
So let me draw out several reasons again why I believe verse 26 (“And in this way all Israel will be saved”) means that someday the nation as a whole (not necessarily every individual; see 1 Kings 12:1; 2 Chronicles 12:1) will be converted to Christ and join the Christian church and be saved. And then we will conclude with some implications.

1. I think the term “Israel” in verse 25 and 26 most naturally refer to the same thing. Verse 25: “Lest you be wise in your own conceits, I want you to understand this mystery, brothers: a partial hardening has come upon Israel. . . .” That must refer to the nation as a whole from generation to generation. He continues, “. . . until the fullness of the Gentiles has come in. 26 And in this way all Israel will be saved.” I don't think the meaning of Israel changes between verse 25 and 26. The hardened Israel (the nation as a whole) will be the saved Israel (the nation as a whole).

2. The reference in verse 26 to banishing ungodliness from Jacob fits with the national view of “all Israel.” Verse 26: “And in this way all Israel will be saved, as it is written, ‘The Deliverer will come from Zion, he will banish ungodliness from Jacob.'” This seems most naturally to be a picture of Christ's return at the second coming, and banishing ungodliness from Jacob refers most naturally to the removal of the hardening referred to in verse 25. “Jacob” is not a natural or typical reference to the elect remnant of Israel. The hardening lasts until the full number of the Gentiles comes in (the climax of world missions), and then Christ comes and lifts the veil and removes the hardening—he banishes ungodliness from Jacob, from “all Israel.”

3. The parallel between the two halves of verse 28 point to all Israel as the nation as a whole. Verse 28: “As regards the gospel, they are enemies of God for your sake.” Now that half of the verse surely refers to the nation as a whole—they are enemies of God. So the second half of the verse surely refers to the nation as a whole as well: “But as regards election, they are beloved for the sake of their forefathers.” The point of this verse is to show that even though Israel now is a covenant-breaking, unbelieving nation, that is going to change. The nation that are enemies now, will be converted later because of election and love.

4. The parallels in verse 12 point in the same direction. Verse 12: “Now if their [the Jewish nation's] trespass means riches for the world [salvation for the Gentiles], and if their [the Jewish nation's] failure means riches for the Gentiles, how much more will their full inclusion!” Here “their full inclusion” most naturally refers to the same nation as “their trespass” and “their failure.” So “their full inclusion” refers to the salvation of “all Israel” and is national. 5. The same thing is true about the parallels in verse 1

5. “For if their [Jewish nation's] rejection means the reconciliation of the world, what will their [Jewish nation's] acceptance mean but life from the dead?” The nation now rejected will be accepted. So the “acceptance” of the Jewish nation most naturally refers to the salvation of “all Israel”—the salvation of the nation as a whole some day.

Implications
Now how is this going to happen? I don't know the details, but it seems to me that Paul does mean that in connection with the second coming of Christ there will be a great turning of Israel to Christ. Just how it works, I don't know. But I find certain prophecies very suggestive. For example, Zechariah 12:10, “And I will pour out on the house of David and the inhabitants of Jerusalem a spirit of grace and pleas for mercy, so that, when they look on me, on him whom they have pierced, they shall mourn for him, as one mourns for an only child, and weep bitterly over him, as one weeps over a firstborn.” And Isaiah 6:8, “Who has heard such a thing? Who has seen such things? Shall a land be born in one day? Shall a nation be brought forth in one moment? For as soon as Zion was in labor she brought forth her children.” And Matthew 23:39, where Jesus says to the hardened nation: “I tell you, you will not see me again until you say, ‘Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.”

I don't want to go beyond what is clear. So I say that I am not sure about the precise when and how of Israel's conversion. But that it is coming and that it will be given by Jesus Christ, the deliverer who banishes ungodliness and forgives sins—of that I feel sure. We should pray for it—that the full number of the Gentiles comes in and that the hardening be lifted from Israel. We should work for it with missions to the nations and witness to Israel.

We should put away all conceit and presumption over Jewish unbelievers but realize that God is aiming to save them through our salvation. And we should think clearly and carefully about the land of Israel today—which is what I want to try to do next week.

For now, then, let us give ourselves to prayer and to the great work of gathering the fullness of the Gentiles, if by any means we might make Israel jealous of her treasures in Christ so that they believe and be saved.

2009-03-27T13:41:00.000-07:00

It is a dreary rainy day here. In fact, it's the third one in a row. And to make it even more delightful, I have some sinus issues to accompany the rain.

It's also been a hectic week, and this is my first day to relax a little. I've been taking full advantage of it. So much so, that I completely spaced that I had committed to bring dessert to our small group meeting tonight. Completely space until about 3:30, when I only have about an hour and a half to come up with something and have it ready to go. If you know much about desserts, you know that's not a lot of time.

I go to my default site, Martha, epicurious, and can't seem to get past orange cardamom cookies and lemon curd tartlets. As delightful as those sound, I need something quick, casual, and comforting, because weather and time demand it.

Chocolate chip cookies were an option, but a little too casual, and too much hands on time, taking batches in and out of the oven. I also thought about brownies, but being out of cocoa powder, couldn't do a full batch of the good stuff. So imagine my delight, when I stumbled across these. I don't think I have ever made brownies from a mix, just because I am anti-hydrogenated oil girl, I don't buy them, and I don't mind making things from scratch. Thankfully I found a super brownie recipe for the amount I needed, that did not require cocoa powder, and looked reliable. That plus the cookie dough I had leftover from the pizza party I had with my small group girls in the freezer, and we were in action.

In fact, they are in the over as we speak, and I still have time to go throw on some make-up.

Oh happy day. Except for the rain.

2009-03-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

If I was honest...and I know this is church and not the place for this at all. I know we got up today and before we got here, read the Bible for an hour and a half, meditated on it and prayed as we walked in...But if I was honest, do you know what I want for my daughter? I would love it if she would meet a very, very, very godly young man. And listen, the chances of that are slim. There's a lot of neat Christian boys out there. It's hard to find godly men. It's like the dodo bird, they're almost non-existent anymore. You can laugh; I weep. I weep because I've got a daughter who will meet someone who loves her like Christ loves the church. And they're just rare cats, man. We're praying them in. And I would love for that dude to just come in and romance her. I mean, just make me go, “That boy's good. I'm stealing that idea. Don't tell your mama.” I want that kind of guy, and I want her to live in the burbs where she's safe and she can raise little grandbabies and I can spoil and not discipline them at all. And I want her to outlive me. And I don't want her to take risks with her life. I'll risk mine. That doesn't bother me. I just don't want her to do it. So, I'd like that for her, but my hand on that had better stay open, lest I become an idolater. Because maybe God is going to reach a group of people in some other part of the world with her suffering. My hand had better stay open. And I love my house. We don't live large, but I like my house. It's an older house. We've worked on it. I love my house. It's not wrong for me to love my house. But in the end, it's not my house. That hand had better stay open. And like I said we don't live large. I drive an '01 Impala with like 140,000 miles and it's starting to backfire. But the air works. I love my car. I love that car. Part of it's probably where I've come from, but I love that car, man. I talk to her. I love that car, but my hand on it had better stay here. I love the Village. I plan on being here the rest of my life. I love this place. My hand had better stay open, lest I get confused and think anything is mine. And that's how idolatry happens. And it's the reason we stay away from the Lord, because we're afraid that if we press into Him, He's going to address this thing. And we don't want that. Because in the end, we value it more than we value Him. And we think in the end, this is more beautiful and more necessary than He is.

Matt Chandler

2009-03-24T12:43:00.000-07:00

"There is one vice of which no man in the world is free; which every one in the world loathes when he sees it in someone else; and of which hardly any people, except Christians, ever imagine they are guilty of themselves...it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind."

C.S. Lewis

2009-03-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

I am feeling overwhelmingly blessed and full of joy today.

Not only am I obviously excited by this, but somewhat amazed considering this feeling is coming at the end of a busy weekend, having a house full of boys (and myself) who are under the weather, and starting the morning off with a trip to the doctor in which Josh was less than well behaved.

I really feel like things are starting to click and fall into place here. I LOVE my house, we have a great church, and have a couple of connections with people we think will turn out to be great friends! I finally enjoying being able to serve in a couple of different facets, one of which is a group of the greatest freshmen girls EVER. Josh is signed up for a great preschool this fall, and is making friends faster than I can keep track of (must be something to do with that social personality of his!), and Jack is so cute and fun, all I want to do is play with him and not get anything done.

Life is good. A big part of the reason why I am especially joyful, is I think a long time goal of mine may be coming to fruition. As many of you know, I pretty much adore Beth Moore, she is God's gift to women's bible study! I could go on for hours about all the reasons she is amazing, but I will sum it up by saying she's a theological rockstar, and humble to boot. I've always though it would be so much fun to start a Beth Moore study with a group of women that are in similar areas of life, and that are willing to be real and open with one another, and encourage and challenge each other in a way that requires a lot of vulnerability, but results in amazing relationships and lives that can better glorify Christ. All that to say, it looks as though that will be happening. I'm beyond ecstatic!

So life is good. My cupcakes, were just okay. Not very much coconut flavor, I was dissapointed, and the icing was a little too sweet for me. If I make them again I'll have to add some coconut flavoring to the icing and cupcakes. Although the recipe for the cake was really solid, I might use it as a great white cake recipe. If you want to try them out here is the recipe. They were very pretty though. I'll try to post a pic soon.

I'll be making this for dinner tonight, along with some pasta salad leftover from this weekends festivities (my pasta salad does not involve mayonaise, it's penne pasta with broccoli, red pepper, carrots, and olives toseed with italian or greek dressing and feta cheese).

Now for a little challenging from the great Matt Chandler:

2009-03-20T12:45:00.000-07:00

I'm baking all sorts of fun things for this weekend. Pulled pork, brisket, Texas potatoes, plus this yummy cupcake recipe I've been drying to try since I saw it in this months Bon Appetite, it's a vanilla bean coconut cupcake with vanilla bean coconut frosting. I'm so excited, I can hardly stand it!

I also had an insight to myself through a conversation with Chris the other night. Nothing revolutionary, just something I need to be cognisant of. I am a self-critiquing person. I don't mean than in the negative way (although sometimes it can play out that way), but more so in the positive.

I am always looking back on situations and circumstances that I am in and asking myself, should I have said that? Was that the best way to handle that? Should I have done this instead of that? This allows me to change things for the better in the future, and helps me see sin patterns in my life more quickly (notice I said see, not necessarily accept...I'm a work in progress!).

So that was part of the insight, but for me what followed was more important. I have this tendency to think that however I view things, or approach life is how others do. Not saying I think they should view life as I do, just when I'm trying to understand others, I think that of course they would view the situation that way, because I do!

So the kicker is that, me being a self critiquing person, expects other people to be self critiquing, and am left confused when other people seem to go on for ages with what seems like blatantly obvious sin issues in their lives that they are completely unaware of. So I guess a lack of self critiquing leads to an unawareness of these matter in ones life. That said, I need to be more sensitive to the fact that not everyone thinks this way, or thinks that it is important to think this way. I also need to be more patient and gracious when they don't.

Obviously I tend to think that reviewing ones actions and thought is somewhat important to do to continue to grow closer to Christ, but just as in almost all aspects, this too can be taken to the extreme of being overly critical of oneself. Always a balancing act this walk of faith!

In conclusion: vanilla bean coconut cupcakes are good, and don't be so oblivious to how badly we suck at life.

2009-03-16T13:07:00.000-07:00

We're trying to recover today. My parents were in town this weekend, so the kids schedule has been WAY off. My children are schedule oriented kids, and they don't seem to take too kindly to having it disrupted.

I'm looking forward to this week. Mainly because I have a lot to do. I like having a lot to do. My personality kind of thrives on it. However recently I've been trying to find the perfect balance of having the level of activity that I enjoy, and the amount of down time to spend with the kids, making sure they are kept happy, and keeping our house running. It's definitely a balancing act, and one I more than occasionally get frustrated it at, but as of late I'm trying to view it as a challenge and make it all work.

Plus I get to "cater" an event for 40 people at my house. I realize that makes me a little bit of a nut that I am excited about that, but I enjoy cooking, and serving, and hosting, and this involves all three. So yeah! Plus I think I'm going to make these super yummy coconut cupcake recipe that was in Bon Apetite this month that I've been dying to try.

Add in a meeting, 2 small groups, and a bible study and we're hitting the ground running. I'm sure as soon as spring returns tomorrow (we've had 50's and rain for the last 3 days!) that will help me feel a little more motivated.

Having my parents in this weekend, I got to make some fun stuff. I made my mom a birthday cake that was a chocolate cake with raspberry meringue butter cream filling and covered in chocolate ganache. We had a dijon and brown sugar crusted salmon one night with lemon rosemary roasted potatoes and asparagus, and then last night I made pot roast, which if I do say so myself is the best pot roast I've ever had.

I think maybe I should have renamed my blog food and theology, because those are my two biggest passions that I seem to discuss the most on here. That said, onto the theology!

I love it when God is trying to open my eyes to something, he will more than often communicate with me in more than one fashion. I've been doing the Daniel study by Beth Moore, and this past week went over chapter 9 of Daniel (this is what I will be referencing, to make sense of what I am saying, you may want to read it). To sum up the first part of the chapter, Daniel interprets the scripture from Jeremiah prophesying the captivity of Judah, upon realizing the desolation in store for his people, he began to fast, pray and implore God to have mercy on His people (Israel).

The interesting part (besides all the cool stuff I learned about prayer, but another time...) is that during the course of his prayer he uses the phrase "we" about 13 times. This is primarily a prayer of confession. Daniel had walked faithfully with God for his lifetime, and in this prayer Daniel confesses sins ("we have done...") that he himself has not committed.

"...he still counted himself among the transgressors of Israel. Daniel interceded for the masses as one sharing the blame for their sins. He did not put himself above the people.

God favors those who humble themselves as fellow transgressors, not those who piously place themselves above those in pitiful need of prayer.

I think Daniel could count himself among the transgressors of Israel because he was wise enough to know what was in him... even if it hadn't always found it's way out of him."

Beth Moore

The last quote in particular is my favorite. Admittedly when I first read the chapter I was confused as to why Daniel was confessing to sins he himself did not commit. When I first read the last quote I had to stop a minute and really think about it.

I would not be willing to take ownership of sins that I had not physically committed, in fact it's all too often a stretch for me to own up to the thoughts and feelings that I know I have inside of me. So that quote hit me pretty hard as to the place of pride that I was living in. It also made a Relient K song that I loved, but had been a little theologically (read, my pride wasn't willing to admit it was theologically sound because I would be convicted) unsure of take a new level of understanding.

The song is Forgiven, and here is the chorus:

Cause we're all guilty of the same things
We think the thoughts whether or not we see them through
And I know that I have been forgiven
And I just hope that you can forgive me too

Well I didn't want to admit that I am guilty of some of the same things that others are. Now that my pride has deservedly taken a beating. I realize that I need to be much more willing to own up to what is in me, and be much more thankful that, by the grace of God and only by the grace of God it has not found a way out.

Maybe I need to do some collective confessing for the masses too. There were entire nations saved by this form of prayer...

2009-03-06T11:41:00.000-08:00

Just because I haven't recently talked about how much I love Atlanta:

Today I sat out on an adventure with the kids. In researching farmers markets, I kept coming across this one called Your Dekalb Farmers Market, that people raved over. As much as I love (and think it's important) to shop naturally and organically, I'm tired of having to choose my families health, or our bank account. That is why I was researching farmers markets.

After hearing all the raves about their selection and their prices, I figured it was worth a trip. Mind you that was quite the decision. It's a 40 minute trek slightly southeast of the city, with two children, but I decided it was worth the haul.

My GPS couldn't find the exact address, and Chris was in a meeting, so we ended up "wandering" around for a half an hour or so before we finally found the place, but I'm glad we did! That part of the city is SO neat! It's filled with older homes, some crazy big, and some small and quaint, but they all have very interesting architecture and charm. It turns out our science center is located in that area also. Then I found the "downtown" of this area that had a ton of really neat looking restaurants and shops. The best way I can describe it to my STL readers is a cross of Lafayette Square, Clayton and the Loop. I can't wait to go explore that area more.

After I finally got to the market (which is about the same size as a WF's store) and got in, I think I just stood there staring for awhile. Their produce section is probably about twice as big as WF's produce section. And WF's has a serious produce section! They had so much variety (I think I spotted about 7 different varieties of BokChoy), and an organic selection for almost everything. At WF a lime is $.69, here they were $.69 a pound! I got a large container of organic strawberries for $3.99! It was amazing. I think I came home with enough produce to last us for the next 2 weeks.

They also have every kind of spice you can imagine, that they grind themselves, and are breathtakingly cheap. I think I may have walked out with at least 6 spice containers. I got a container of cinnamon (of which contained more than any typical jar) for $.63. Josh really likes cinnamon and proceeded to hang onto the container throughout the rest of the store, sniffing at will.

I could go on and on, their meat selection (lamb, goat, veal, duck, quail, cornish game hens, etc.)and prices, their deli, dairy section.... and I didn't even get to the prepared food area (which restaurant reviewers rave about). My parents come in town this weekend, and I think I may take them there. Any one who is interested in food will love this place.

I know I cannot wait to go back! Just one more reason to love Atlanta. We're planning on going to the zoo this weekend (sunny and mid 70's), maybe that will add another reason to the ever growing list!!!

2009-03-04T07:56:00.001-08:00

I'm so making this Ginger Steak Salad for dinner sometime next week: http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/ It looks so good! There are also some great recipes in this months issue of Bon Appetite, if you roll like that. Pick on out, or look for the either on their website or epicurious.com

This post is going to be so completely random, but that is me, so deal with it.

I'm sore. And I like it! I like exercising, but between gym membership fees, children, and a bijillion other excuses, it wasn't happening for me. So I got a Wii Fit. And I LOVE IT!!! I don't have to pack up the kids, I can do it for just ten minutes and then stop to go change a baby or feed a child, or whatever need they feel they cannot live without at that moment. Most of the time Josh will even do it with me. I love that the more I work out the more exercises I open, so I'm not just doing the same thing all the time. It's fun, and you REALLY get a work out (if you try to), and best of all you have a trainer that shows you how to do everything so you get the most from it. I'm so happy with this purchase, and it's perfect for the place that I am in life right now. It's still exercising, and it still requires discipline, but the hardest part for me was the money and what to do with my kids, not those.

I also really like home warranty plans. So far we have gotten our bottom level air conditioning repaired, both units serviced, and as of next week will be getting a brand new toilet. It's nice to have things fixed, and not have to pay for it, or do it (although Chris put in a lot of work trying to fix the toilet). Hooray for making the sellers pay for that.

I like it when Josh is sick. That sounds weird, let me explain. Not really sick, but just not up to full energy. He is SO much more easy to handle during those points, and he's sweeter and will snuggle with me lots and love on me. This does not happen during healthy periods. As much as sickness is a pain, it's kind of a blessing too!

I just made my own baby wipes yesterday, and saved a bunch of money. I think I may like them better than the kind I buy too. Who knew you could do this? I learned you can make your own laundry detergent super easy also. I think I may look into a lot of this type of stuff, it's saving money AND being more eco-friendly! Who doesn't love a win-win?

Okay randomness over.

2009-02-27T16:53:00.000-08:00

This is something our church is taking a part in. How cool.

In 2008, 12Stone Church, along with 8 other Metro Atlanta churches, researched the problem of the sex trafficking of children in Metro Atlanta. What we discovered was disturbing. We were disturbed to discover that Metro Atlanta (including Gwinnett County) ranks among the top 10 destinations in the world for adults looking to pay for sex with children.

We were disturbed that victims are often kept as slaves in horrible conditions. We were disturbed that between Thursday night and Sunday, every week, some 250 girls under the age of 18 will be raped for profit. We were disturbed that most people are completely unaware of this horrific injustice happening in our own backyard.

So, we joined with the 8 other churches to form an alliance known as Street GRACE. We developed a strategic plan that has 5 elements:
1. Create an Advocacy “Outcry” Campaign that will inform and educate broad audiences across Metro Atlanta on the injustice of child sex slavery that exists.

2. Develop a Metro-wide Church Mobilization Campaign that will equip churches to effectively engage on the issue.

3. Build/establish a “mobilized” Prayer Network that will intercede for the victims and abolitionists who are fighting the issue.

4. Sponsor Strategic Aftercare for Child Victims that will resource and equip facilities to care for victims.

5. Support At-Risk Youth/Mentoring Networks Programs that will drastically reduce victims by education and prevention.If you're interested in joining in the fight against child sex slavery, join the Facebook Group of Street GRACE. Just search on Street GRACE in the Groups module, or visit http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=51873772098

Each year, 6 to 800,000 women, children and men are enslaved and trafficked across international borders. 70% are female. 50% are children. As many as 17,500 are brought into the United States against their will. According to the United Nations, 79% of slavery is for sex. 18% for forced labor, forced marriages, or forced organ donation. Approximately 200,000 American children are at risk to be forced into prostitution.

The FBI & United Way have consistently ranked Atlanta as one of the top cities where PEOPLE are trafficked every year.

Where is freedom?

Where is hope?

Where is justice?

Who will hear their cries?

Who will stand for them?

Stand with us, April 1st, 2009 at Eddie's Attic in Decatur, GA to Rock For Justice! Many Atlanta artists, including Dove Award winner Aaron Shust will lend their voices to raise awareness and money for those enslaved in our city. All funds are being donated to Wellspring For Girls, a safe house ministry for underage girls coming out of the sex industry. Stand for truth. Speak up for the downtrodden. Rock For Justice.

2009-02-23T12:50:00.000-08:00

I finally got inspiration last week: courtesy of my husband. He told me what he wanted, and that was the grocery list and meal plan. Made my life simpler.

Last night we had chicken terriyaki sandwiches. Chris says this is one of his all time favorite meals, and admittedly, it is really good. My inspiration was the chicken terriyaki burger from Red Robin. It's really good stuff (mine and theirs).

Tonight we are having chicken chow mein. I've never made this before, and I'm excited to see how it turns out. It's easy, relatively inexpensive to make, pretty healthy, and quick. What more could you ask for?

Meal preparation timing is getting to be more and more of an issue for me, what with having more and more going on in my life, I'm having less and less time to spend on fancy meals. Not to mention to spend 45 minutes to an hour at the stove just doesn't go so well with an 8 month old and almost 4 year old underfoot. I'll get back to gourmet cooking in the high school or college years!

Now for my serious part of the post. I have been meaning to update on my involvement with high school ministry (called The Point) for awhile, but just haven't had a chance. Here it finally is:

Getting to a point where I could be involved in youth again was actually a walk of faith for me. I have always loved working with high schoolers. It was something that always just came naturally to me, starting when I was an upperclassmen, trying to offer any guidance that I could to the younger class men. I felt like both through my own life, and through observing the life of others, I realized how critical that period of time in your life is. There are so many challenges, questions, and confusions during this period, not to mention this is a time where important decisions are made, particularly those regarding your faith.

Knowing all of that, sometimes doesn't make it any easier. Particularly when you are still someone who is young and haven't quite gotten all of your views on life issues figured out. This was particularly true in my case. I had a couple of instances in my early experiences of working with youth where out of my wanting to care for someone, gave too much of myself, even to the point of being held responsible for their decisions. This is the extremely short version of some stories that rocked my world as a young adult.

So I stepped away, for about 7 years. Then we came here. I thought I was done with youth, and that I would fill my heart for that age group by supplicating it with the college ministry. Well e-mails about college involvement never got returned, and it seemed virtually impossible to break into that world, and yet mention of the high school ministry was all around me. I had finally opened my mind to the possibility when I got a message on my FB site through our chuch's FB group informing me of an open night at The Point looking for new volunteers. I thought about it for awhile, and finally gave in, figured I'd suck it up and go.

I'm SO glad I did. That first night was essentially orientation, showing you what you were in for. Our high school pastor is AMAZING! I don't remember even encountering someone who is so gifted at speaking and relating to these kids on their level and yet being so biblically based and RELEVANT! I cannot imagine how different my life would have been if I would have encountered someone like this in HS. I'm so excited that these kids have this opportunity to be impacted in this way.

There are almost 400 students each week that attend, and it's growing each meeting. We have small groups after the worship and message, and the group of girls I meet with are freshmen girls. I LOVE IT!!! I always joke with Chris that hanging out with my girls is like my night out. It came at a great time in my life, after having two boys and feeling sometime overwhelmed by the amount of testosterone in the house, it's like I've adopted 15 girls!

I can't say enough about these girls, they have such passion, and excitement for life (and boys!), they are beautiful, and funny, thoughtful and kind... I don't understand how any one can be discouraged by the upcoming generation if they have really looked at them. Me, I'm excited, I think these girls have so much to offer the world, and I just want to do whatever I can to help them along the way, be there for them, support them, and answer any questions they have.

I know that when my kids are that age, they won't always feel like they can talk to their mom about everything (and sometimes, that's okay!), I pray that there will be godly people in their lives that they can be encouraged, poured into by, and have answer questions in a way that will impact them differently than something their mom (or dad) would say.

I hope I can do that for these girls.

2009-02-19T13:50:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to make my grocery list, which starts out by planning the weeks menus. And I have absolutely no inspiration. This is not good, and rare. Usually I can just pop to a couple of foodie websites and get inspired, or work off of WF's meat specials, but this week...nothing.

So I'm distracting myself from the blankness that enters my brain when I try to think of meals with a blog.

I've been reading a lot lately. I love to read. However, it is hard to do and find time for with two small children around. Thankfully there have been a few nice days where I can unleash Josh in the backyard and get a few moments in.

Some of my reading has been mandatory, for one of my small groups or bible study I'm doing, and some of it has been because my friend almost beat me over the head with one book and out of desperation for my sanity I finally bought it. I'm so glad I did. I'm so glad I have a friend like her, who knows what I need, even when I don't.

All that to say, reading, good books. Thought I would share some of the insight that these books have had that I considered to be worthwhile:

Relationships by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott:

"If you try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself."

"If we have not achieved a solid sense of who we are on our own, we are destined to believe one of two subtle lies guaranteed to sabotage all our relationship: (1) I need this person to be complete, and (2) If this person needs me, I'll be complete."

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend:

I cannot say enough about this book. I used up an entire highlighter on it and I wasn't even halfway through it yet. It helped me have peace about areas I had previously felt guilt about, gave me wisdom and guidance along with scripture to back it up, and showed me areas where I struggle and need to grow in. This is one of those books that I will often come back to, and will always keep with in an arms reach. This is also the first book that I will recommend to any one struggling in any relationally based are of their life. That said, here are just a few quick quotes:

"...boundaries are not walls....but in every community, all members have their own space and property."

"God defines himself as a distinct separate being, and he is responsible for himself. He defines and takes responsibility for his personality by telling us what he thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes and dislikes. He also defines himself as separate from his creation and from us. He differentiates himself from others. He tells us who he is and who he is not. For example he says that he is love and that he is not darkness (1 John 4:16, 1:6). In addition, he has boundaries within the Trinity."

"If you feel close and loving, things are probably going well. If you feel angry, you have a problem that needs to be addressed. But the point is, your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to."

"We cause pain by making choices that others do not like, but we also cause pain by confronting people when they are wrong. But if we do not share our anger with another, bitterness and hatred can set in. We need to be honest with one another about how we are hurt. "Speak truthfully to [your] neighbor, for [you] are all members of one body (Eph 4:25). As iron sharpens iron we need confrontation and truth from others to grow. No one likes to hear negative things about him or herself. But in the long run it may be good for us. The Bible says that if we are wise, we will learn from it. Admonition from a friend, while it can hurt, can also help."

"We can't manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a "litmus test" for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can't respect our boundaries are telling us that they don't love our no. They only love our yes, our compliance."

Okay, enough distraction, back to list writing and menu making. I'm open to tips.

2009-02-18T14:21:00.000-08:00

SO TRUE:

the mother in me
I've known I wanted to be a mother since the day I was born.

Well, probably not since the actual day I was born. That's a little extreme. But from the time I first knew what a mother was. Or maybe since when I realized that I possessed the genetic makeup to, indeed, be able to become a mother some day.

Regardless, it's been a long time. But it feels like it's been always that I've known that motherhood was for me.

As a young girl, I loved children. And drawing. And baby names. And drawing pictures of children and giving them unique names. I spent countless hours as a child, sitting up in my bed under my pink canopy, using my Trapper Keeper as a hard surface, drawing pictures of all my future children. Oh, and giving them each long, fanciful names, of course.

I was going to have twelve children, I was sure. Naturally, this was before I had any inkling what morning sickness was, had never heard of a nursing bra, forgot that I'd need to find a husband who was up for such a feat, and didn't realize a family of that size would require at least two cargo vans for our transportation.

And, although part of me would honestly, truly love to have twelve children, there are other parts of me that I don't think could handle it. My uterus, for example.

I digress.

I have basically always wanted children. Wanted to be a mother. I thought mothering would be so wonderful, so magical, and so lovely. Naming, dressing and playing with Many Small Children all day long? What could be better!?

And, even though, back then, I was a bit hazy on some of the finer details associated with parenting (you know, like dying llama hissy fits, sippy cups full of mold behind the couch, stretch marks and time outs), I still think I hit the nail on the head.

There is very little that is better than mothering.

But not exactly for the reasons I first thought. Sure, there are wonderful moments in mothering, magical memories created with our offspring, lovely late-night snuggles with heavy-lidded babies. But parenting is also hard work. And it's not glamorous. We don't often get the support we need, we struggle with mother's guilt and sometimes feel we need to keep up with the Jones'. Our children sass back and our best-laid plans are trampled on. We must often face our own shortcomings, because they are revealed to us so readily as we make attempts, but fail, at being perfect parents.

But there is good that can be brought forth from the hurt that parenting sometimes brings. Moments of revelation to be found even amidst the clamor of Many Small Children. Beauty to be derived out of the ashes of mother failure. Joy that can only be discovered in helping God create another human being. There is meaning in the mundane, a purpose beyond potty-training, and a peace that can only be gained when one has learned to calmly deal with a tantruming toddler at Target.

Having children is worth it. And, although I was inspired to start my family for one reason, Prince Charming and I have continued for another.

I love making our family.

But I don't love it for the dirty diapers, the sleepless nights, the cracked nipples or the endless whining. I don't love it for the dings in our walls, the screeching down the halls or the midnight calls.

I love it in spite of all that. And I love mothering for how wading through all the difficulties that mothering brings transforms me for the better.

Mothering is one of the toughest, most beautiful things I have ever done.

And it's totally worth it.

I desire to be an encouragement to others about starting their own family. And, to those who already have, I long to be a support, and never a hindrance, in their journey to discover exactly how wonderful parenting is.

2009-02-12T13:33:00.001-08:00

Life is good.

The weather is still beautiful here, mid to high 60's and sunny. We've been outside everyday this week.

Have I mentioned what a great husband I have? I have a wonderful husband. Today I got a beautiful delivery of 2 dozen roses as a surprise from him (and the boys).

Also, I found a HUGE gorgeous rosemary plant in my yard. I was planning on planting one myself, so it was quite a thrill. Plus, did I mention that it's HUGE? I should sell some of it... or just give a bunch to my friend here that cook.

As busy as Wednesdays are, there is something about being with those high school girls that rejuvenates me.

And I'm looking forward to our small group tonight. It's Chris and I's first official week teaching (I don't think leading a small group is as much teaching, as facilitating conversation).

Good times.

Dinner: fried chicken salad

2009-02-11T12:49:00.001-08:00

Today I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. Wednesdays are kind of a long day, I have bible study in the morning, and youth group at night. It wouldn't be that long if that was all.

But I have a problem.

I try to do it ALL. Not just try, but I want to do it all, and I get upset at myself when I can't.

I want to spend hours going over the info for small group tonight, look in commentaries, find out the Greek word definition that gives the verse a whole new depth, cross reference verses... I want to be able to open the magic that is the word of God for these girls, and give them cupcakes at the same time.

But I can't. Well, I can, but at the cost of my being in a good mood when I see them, my family having dinner for tonight, and my children getting any attention.

One of the many lessons of adulthood: everything costs something.

Committing to bring snacks for bible study means an hour that I don't get to do something, be with the kids, my husband, clean the house, get dinner done. Something somewhere always has to give. And it's frustrating.

That is definitely one of the treasures of singleness that I wish that I had treasured more. There was not a cost on my time. If I committed to something, it only took away from time that I wasn't really doing anything.

I don't even have time to expound on my thoughts. I just took 10 minutes away from children to write this. Argh!

Last nights dinner: chicken enchiladas
Tonight: spaghetti (did I mention that I don't have time, this is my shortcut meal! does it count that I make my own sauce?)

2009-02-10T05:43:00.001-08:00

For moms:

http://inthemotherhood.com/experiences/recent

My favorite is the "Nuts are Hot" one.

2009-02-09T13:53:00.001-08:00

Tonight: roasted vegetable and kale soup with white beans and smoked chicken plus grilled cheese (and maybe some cornbread or biscuits).

We have spent the last three days at the park, and looking to add a fourth tomorrow on our play date. For the record, I don't like the word play date. I think it sounds silly, and lacking in accuracy of what is occurring.

We had our first small group last week, and it was great. A really fun bunch of people, but also diverse enough to keep things interesting. One of the most fun parts for us was that one of the couples literally live just up the street from us. We have a pretty small neighborhood and haven't met very many people in it yet, so that was pretty exciting. They also have a son named Joshua that is only about 2 months older than Josh. They were also able to tell us about a great preschool just a block or two from us.

Preschools here are enrolling now for next fall. Madness. The whole school thing seems to be happening really quick. I must admit though, it will be very nice to have four days a week where I can get things done. Josh is at the point where he is just not content here at home. No matter how much I try to do to challenge him, or keep him busy, it's just not enough. He needs to be challenged by someone else (someone preferably with more patience and talent for teaching and needs to have more interaction with other kids. He's just so dang social. Can't imagine where he gets that from.

Hopefully tomorrow I can find time to do a post about working with the high school girls. It has been so much fun, and I enjoy it so much! I really hope that when my kids are that age that there is someone that can relate to them on their level that can help encourage them through the tough path that is high school. Our high school pastor is amazing. I really enjoy listening to his talks each week (and they are very applicable to a younger generation, one of which I still consider myself!). If anyone else is interested you can hear him under 12 stone podcasts on iTunes, and the high school ministry is The Point.

2009-02-04T19:12:00.001-08:00

Last night we had homemade pizza. Tonight, fettuccine alfredo tossed with spinach and lemon basil chicken, and a salad.

I love being able to work with the high school youth girls. They are amazing. I'm so looking forward to getting to know them all better, and getting REALLY connected. They are so full of passion, and excitement, and questions. LOVE IT.

Our small group starts tomorrow. Exciting.

2009-02-03T09:34:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I like looking back at our wedding pictures. It reminds me of when things were new and more simple. A time of celebration and fun with our friends and family. And I was thin. It was an all around great day.

2009-02-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

Feeling like life is hard today. Too many difficult decisions with major consequences. Tired of feeling the weight of it all.

Had a fun super bowl, it was great to be able to spend it with some real live, and in person friends!

We had hamburgers, chicken wings (PW style), spinach and artichoke dip, veggies and dip, and this amazing brownie dish our friends brought over.

Tonight I'm making a lemon, thyme and garlic roasted chicken with parmesan polenta, and some sort of veggie I haven't yet decided on (either a simple salad, napa cabbage salad, or broccoli, oh, or maybe roasted zucchini, that sounds good, and I need to use that up, I think that may be it...)

I like counselors (it may have something to do with the fact that my best friend is one). Wish I could find a free one here that provided babysitting. How great would that be? It would be so nice to have someone just tell me what to do and me not have to figure it out and worry about the consequences.

2009-01-29T14:43:00.000-08:00

For Dinner tonight:

Apple Cider and thyme marianted pork chops with sweet potatoes and braised red cabbage.

I think I am going to start trying to put that on here more, so I can remember and to help inspire others with dinner ideas (I know I am always looking for inspiration!), if you want any recipes, feel free to ask! My other good meal this week was lemon scented salmon with a whole grain mustard cream sauce, brown rice pilaf and roasted asparagus.

I cannot say enough about the book Boundaries, by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Life changing. Revolutionary. Go read it.

Real update coming soon...

2009-01-24T16:23:00.000-08:00

My first official post on the new blog. Exciting. It's like breaking in a new pair of shoes, but not quite as painful. Pardon the disarray of the place, I'll make it more homier as I settle in. For now, a blog post is a big accomplishment.

I've been busy. I don't like saying that I'm busy. In my experience (and this is my perspective, I realize that other circumstances may be different) me saying that I'm busy means one of three things:

1. I'm overexagerating a little, and like the badge of being busy, it makes me feel important. Which irks me that I feel the need to justify myself through that title, and that I feel action is a sign of importance.

2. I actually am busy. But this is equally irritating to me, because if I'm feeling busy enough to say that, than usually I am on the verge of overextending myself. I get stressed and rushed and am short with my husband and kids. I don't spend as much quality time with them as I should, and I spend more time focused on the things that I find more enjoyable instead of my responsibilities (and yes, *gasp*, there are times that I find doing anything else more appealing than my duties as a mom).

3. I use it as an excuse to get out of something I don't want to do. Having a long phone conversation instead of having a few peaceful moments to myself, serving in a way I don't feel called to, etc.

This week it would be #2. Ministries are starting back up for this semester, and we are taking the opportunity to get REALLY involved. I'm either in or out, and when I'm in, I'm ALL IN! So, we are co-leading a small group on Thursday nights (that will meet at our house every other week), I am in a Beth Moore bible study Wednesday mornings, and I will be volunteering with the high school youth as a girls small group leader on Wednesday nights. Chris is looking into getting involved in the worship team which meets on Wednesday nights (thankfully the youth provide childcare for their leaders!).

On top of that this week we have been trying to find a new car (out of necessity, "the piece" finally crapped out on us), I had a small baby shower I had to attend, a birthday and a play date. Too much.

Although I think part of what makes some of this more stressful is it's not routine. I think once we get some of the ministry stuff as part of our routine life will seem much simpler. Or I hope it will anyhow.

All that to say, I don't like saying I'm busy. Or being noticeably busy. I want to be a better steward of the time that God has given and use it for the things that I feel best glorify Him. Spending time with Him, spending time with my family, serving Him, etc. Now if I could just figure out the gray areas when those things start to overlap, then we'd be in business.

2009-01-07T19:38:00.000-08:00

I'm in the process of transferring my "real" blog over to blogger too. If you want to check it out while I am in the process (or to see previous blogs) head to: http://www.xanga.com/ktsue510